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Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
We got so high we made milksteak
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
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