Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Follow @tfln