Texts From Last Night

Tigr0u's Favorites Texts:

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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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  (602): You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me? http://tfl.nu/mi92
  Replies (9) Good night (608) Bad night (4224) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."

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  (239): Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..." http://tfl.nu/k8r7
  Replies (15) Good night (637) Bad night (2160) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
  Replies (26) Good night (1945) Bad night (1988) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.

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  (620): So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive. http://tfl.nu/y5fy
  Replies (7) Good night (372) Bad night (1616) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?

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  (334): Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything? http://tfl.nu/366l
  Replies (9) Good night (549) Bad night (1401) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.

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  (+44): You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/zp27
  Replies (6) Good night (354) Bad night (1337) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed

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  (215): If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed http://tfl.nu/cmm2
  Replies (16) Good night (680) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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  (720): Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am http://tfl.nu/x5gh
  Replies (14) Good night (270) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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  (518): It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic. http://tfl.nu/f2uk
  Replies (9) Good night (511) Bad night (1023) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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  (224): Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test. http://tfl.nu/65e0
  Replies (9) Good night (487) Bad night (1020) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?

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  (617): Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night? http://tfl.nu/bhmq
  Replies (4) Good night (283) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.

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  (530): All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls. http://tfl.nu/uabx
  Replies (12) Good night (676) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair

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  (+31): Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair http://tfl.nu/outv
  Replies (3) Good night (443) Bad night (906) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.

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  (814): My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed. http://tfl.nu/4uwe
  Replies (7) Good night (2390) Bad night (851) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.

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  (519): All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am. http://tfl.nu/roar
  Replies (13) Good night (1767) Bad night (843) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.

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  (518): Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked. http://tfl.nu/4s83
  Replies (10) Good night (307) Bad night (826) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

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  (978): I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/61g0
  Replies (13) Good night (1445) Bad night (804)
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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  (937): We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you. http://tfl.nu/h5o1
  Replies (12) Good night (988) Bad night (796)
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  I think I might cry.

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  (417): I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully. (1-417): I think I might cry. http://tfl.nu/g5az
  Replies (10) Good night (304) Bad night (788) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.

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  (563): The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka. http://tfl.nu/9mlx
  Replies (6) Good night (448) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.

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  (740): Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon. http://tfl.nu/2uoq
  Replies (8) Good night (354) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?

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  (843): Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo? http://tfl.nu/h14o
  Replies (5) Good night (399) Bad night (759) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.

  (404): View more from Georgia

  In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.

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  (404): He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer. (404): In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup. http://tfl.nu/9ays
  Replies (16) Good night (346) Bad night (742)
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Seriously. Castrate.

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  (303): If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you (303): Seriously. Castrate. http://tfl.nu/qjql
  Replies (4) Good night (483) Bad night (727)
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  (516): View more from New York

  My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?

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  (516): My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently? http://tfl.nu/xsqm
  Replies (5) Good night (347) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

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  (250): Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom. http://tfl.nu/94fe
  Replies (6) Good night (613) Bad night (719) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?

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  (859): And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck? http://tfl.nu/pzcv
  Replies (9) Good night (310) Bad night (701) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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  (812): I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend. http://tfl.nu/7cvr
  Replies (13) Good night (1488) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

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  (503): Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush. http://tfl.nu/eadi
  Replies (2) Good night (829) Bad night (670) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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  (940): I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him. http://tfl.nu/9uqa
  Replies (15) Good night (1956) Bad night (662)
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  (914): View more from New York

  2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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  (914): 2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay. http://tfl.nu/1m5k
  Replies (26) Good night (1589) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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  (516): The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety. http://tfl.nu/31qs
  Replies (3) Good night (1403) Bad night (636) Order T-Shirt
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  (754): View more from Florida

  Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless

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  (754): Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless http://tfl.nu/pgaf
  Replies (13) Good night (1150) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.

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  (612): And the cockring thing wasn't sexual. http://tfl.nu/ceb9
  Replies (18) Good night (243) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.

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  (734): Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely. http://tfl.nu/t2kt
  Replies (10) Good night (1223) Bad night (562) Order T-Shirt
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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  (660): People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic http://tfl.nu/zs06
  Replies (8) Good night (1136) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want

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  (949): i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want http://tfl.nu/5io1
  Replies (10) Good night (327) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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  (229): Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it .. http://tfl.nu/xli3
  Replies (11) Good night (2675) Bad night (542)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.

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  (732): Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age. http://tfl.nu/drps
  Replies (5) Good night (1162) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.

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  (907): This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good. http://tfl.nu/n0mb
  Replies (9) Good night (724) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?

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  (832): I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going? http://tfl.nu/o7kr
  Replies (8) Good night (921) Bad night (525) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him

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  (254): He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him http://tfl.nu/fs9i
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Tiny.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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  (402): Tiny. (402): I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed. http://tfl.nu/6vga
  Replies (8) Good night (1345) Bad night (512)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

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  (314): I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling. http://tfl.nu/0c6k
  Replies (6) Good night (738) Bad night (507) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane

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  (509): Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane http://tfl.nu/c9oo
  Replies (12) Good night (746) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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  (515): nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying http://tfl.nu/wg7d
  Replies (3) Good night (1464) Bad night (442)
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  (360): View more from Washington

  ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

  (425): View more from Washington

  are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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  (360): ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear. (425): are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again? http://tfl.nu/6nto
  Replies (2) Good night (1111) Bad night (413)
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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  (480): We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor." http://tfl.nu/95x9
  Replies (4) Good night (3015) Bad night (403)
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  (716): View more from New York

  What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?

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  (716): What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ? http://tfl.nu/ajxd
  Replies (27) Good night (746) Bad night (374) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today

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  (512): I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today http://tfl.nu/x2es
  Replies (9) Good night (818) Bad night (373) Order T-Shirt
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.

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  (319): She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high. http://tfl.nu/fsls
  Replies (6) Good night (637) Bad night (368) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?

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  (585): Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable? http://tfl.nu/iygw
  Replies (3) Good night (670) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?

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  (425): OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES? http://tfl.nu/syph
  Replies (18) Good night (1968) Bad night (358) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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  (310): My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever. http://tfl.nu/d22o
  Replies (6) Good night (3205) Bad night (355)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.

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  (904): Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire. http://tfl.nu/weew
  Replies (14) Good night (831) Bad night (347)
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.

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  (402): Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains. http://tfl.nu/xruv
  Replies (8) Good night (1238) Bad night (338) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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  (617): A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO http://tfl.nu/0cgy
  Replies (7) Good night (2354) Bad night (337) Order T-Shirt
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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  (417): I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning. http://tfl.nu/bwti
  Replies (11) Good night (1325) Bad night (336) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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  (336): It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo? http://tfl.nu/6rh5
  Replies (7) Good night (1209) Bad night (333) Order T-Shirt
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  (772): View more from Florida

  The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person

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  (772): The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person http://tfl.nu/qxco
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  (716): View more from New York

  I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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  (716): I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!" http://tfl.nu/0j2g
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

  (1-603): View more from New Hampshire

  It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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  (603): I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. (1-603): It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay. http://tfl.nu/8z7g
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.

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  (231): Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program. http://tfl.nu/4exh
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  (650): View more from California

  No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.

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  (650): No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady. http://tfl.nu/wggf
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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  (717): I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets. http://tfl.nu/qvke
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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  (303): We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options http://tfl.nu/lflv
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina

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  (267): All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina http://tfl.nu/o3rx
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  (310): View more from California

  I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.

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  (310): I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you. http://tfl.nu/hk53
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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  (304): Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd. http://tfl.nu/1o4y
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  (627): View more from California

  Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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  (627): Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time. http://tfl.nu/xynl
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.

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  (270): You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs. http://tfl.nu/j0k2
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,

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  (609): i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina, http://tfl.nu/dlk2
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

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  (412): Dude, it's not gay. It's winter. http://tfl.nu/4ls1
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.

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  (202): Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands. http://tfl.nu/8ssv
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?

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  (563): I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you? http://tfl.nu/ipj5
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.

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  (248): David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed. http://tfl.nu/8lak
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  It's like the Christmas morning of dicks

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  (612): I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep. (651): It's like the Christmas morning of dicks http://tfl.nu/nghh
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  (424): View more from California

  The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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  (424): The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here " http://tfl.nu/afkn
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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  (515): i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy http://tfl.nu/58yw
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"

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  (815): Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?" http://tfl.nu/0929
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  (510): View more from California

  This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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  (510): This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him. http://tfl.nu/bezf
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.

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  (515): I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head. http://tfl.nu/kz5k
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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  (404): I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again. http://tfl.nu/4d1q
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.

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  (780): He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned. http://tfl.nu/9m93
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.

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  (832): He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him. http://tfl.nu/n4d8
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Cockoligist

  (587): View more from Alberta

  Yes, one may refer to me as that.

  (587): View more from Alberta

  I should make business cards.

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  (780): Cockoligist (587): Yes, one may refer to me as that. (587): I should make business cards. http://tfl.nu/nsw3
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?

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  (414): Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it? http://tfl.nu/mo75
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.

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  (701): Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day. http://tfl.nu/rivr
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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  (301): If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/gi9x
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.

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  (224): Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time. http://tfl.nu/eicx
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again

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  (240): All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again http://tfl.nu/54xi
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.

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  (505): Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot. http://tfl.nu/8yik
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.

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  (715): I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt. http://tfl.nu/rg1l
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

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  (865): You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams? http://tfl.nu/qz0j
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