Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Follow @tfln