Texts From Last Night

mollyd39's Favorites Texts:

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  (315): View more from New York

  We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.

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  (315): We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders. http://tfl.nu/ji4s
  Replies (3) Good night (2121) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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  (281): I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO. http://tfl.nu/9byh
  Replies (28) Good night (4150) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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  (708): Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame http://tfl.nu/f96m
  Replies (14) Good night (988) Bad night (4052) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
  Replies (35) Good night (8067) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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  (541): I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad? http://tfl.nu/iz9x
  Replies (11) Good night (3741) Bad night (1500)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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  (732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year http://tfl.nu/jq5i
  Replies (23) Good night (5809) Bad night (1000) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.

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  (716): I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting. http://tfl.nu/txta
  Replies (28) Good night (1270) Bad night (3542) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
  Replies (35) Good night (8115) Bad night (1042) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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  (801): So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away http://tfl.nu/h2fc
  Replies (11) Good night (5166) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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  (503): After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him. http://tfl.nu/iy8v
  Replies (19) Good night (4893) Bad night (806) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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  (718): If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs. http://tfl.nu/jfp1
  Replies (24) Good night (4789) Bad night (865) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  that's what penises do

  (254): View more from Texas

  they tell lies.

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  (254): that's what penises do (254): they tell lies. http://tfl.nu/si8y
  Replies (14) Good night (4553) Bad night (1198)
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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  (765): She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed http://tfl.nu/bbsg
  Replies (18) Good night (1699) Bad night (3907) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
  Replies (32) Good night (17635) Bad night (1201)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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  (215): you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger. http://tfl.nu/jxnv
  Replies (16) Good night (3369) Bad night (3690) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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  (859): I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat. http://tfl.nu/m2ko
  Replies (9) Good night (5082) Bad night (905) Order T-Shirt
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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  (256): You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers. http://tfl.nu/otyu
  Replies (10) Good night (6883) Bad night (1040) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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  (937): I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens. http://tfl.nu/zmnj
  Replies (18) Good night (6572) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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  (301): She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice.... http://tfl.nu/0ncm
  Replies (10) Good night (5750) Bad night (1016) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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  (847): he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel? http://tfl.nu/aqse
  Replies (23) Good night (1053) Bad night (8568) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
  Replies (24) Good night (6925) Bad night (1954) Order T-Shirt
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

  (702): View more from Nevada

  now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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  (702): she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave. (702): now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like" http://tfl.nu/f7jt
  Replies (17) Good night (8145) Bad night (1026)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.

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  (410): she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love. http://tfl.nu/0ws2
  Replies (22) Good night (1144) Bad night (5622) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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  (615): It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30 http://tfl.nu/ukox
  Replies (15) Good night (5994) Bad night (1425) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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  (513): she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead." http://tfl.nu/j1dy
  Replies (34) Good night (5271) Bad night (1179) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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  (774): I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass. http://tfl.nu/6q4x
  Replies (27) Good night (11404) Bad night (1074) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  there were a lot.

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  (918): thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am... (1-918): there were a lot. http://tfl.nu/x7ld
  Replies (29) Good night (6347) Bad night (900) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
  Replies (30) Good night (7353) Bad night (1421)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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  (617): wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara..... http://tfl.nu/je0j
  Replies (17) Good night (5350) Bad night (1060) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

  (561): View more from Florida

  But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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  (561): Bad news is he broke up with me via text message (561): But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville http://tfl.nu/1qx8
  Replies (28) Good night (6880) Bad night (1236)
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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  (978): i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf http://tfl.nu/hwzk
  Replies (44) Good night (14725) Bad night (1277) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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  (804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04
  Replies (18) Good night (4359) Bad night (1266) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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  (336): i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award http://tfl.nu/t3kf
  Replies (17) Good night (5860) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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  (859): Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here http://tfl.nu/kvme
  Replies (13) Good night (1806) Bad night (4598) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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  (908): Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks. http://tfl.nu/ltgr
  Replies (11) Good night (5179) Bad night (1480) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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  (801): He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay... http://tfl.nu/tir1
  Replies (20) Good night (1284) Bad night (4566) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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  (203): we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint (203): i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you http://tfl.nu/509n
  Replies (10) Good night (5125) Bad night (997)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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  (708): So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive. http://tfl.nu/w5b0
  Replies (22) Good night (3103) Bad night (5639) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(

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  (530): Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :( http://tfl.nu/eg10
  Replies (18) Good night (747) Bad night (6995) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14332) Bad night (2693) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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  (713): I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan. http://tfl.nu/gm7k
  Replies (11) Good night (1485) Bad night (4457) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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  (617): I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you http://tfl.nu/p9k4
  Replies (12) Good night (5249) Bad night (899) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  Does it come with a cage?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes. and food and toys.

  (765): View more from Indiana

  i'll trade you an 8th for it

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  deal.

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  (201): i have to get rid of the hedgehog. (765): Does it come with a cage? (201): yes. and food and toys. (765): i'll trade you an 8th for it (201): deal. http://tfl.nu/2d4g
  Replies (26) Good night (9621) Bad night (995)
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
  Replies (20) Good night (6416) Bad night (870) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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  (281): Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's. http://tfl.nu/ot6m
  Replies (137) Good night (6793) Bad night (5343) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
  Replies (33) Good night (5641) Bad night (1455) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
  Replies (30) Good night (8916) Bad night (939) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...

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  (303): theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner... http://tfl.nu/glgi
  Replies (24) Good night (981) Bad night (5199) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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  (210): Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO. http://tfl.nu/ip2n
  Replies (27) Good night (8288) Bad night (1076) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
  Replies (37) Good night (9713) Bad night (1211)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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  (281): i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night. http://tfl.nu/0cve
  Replies (71) Good night (1394) Bad night (6145) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
  Replies (25) Good night (9424) Bad night (845) Order T-Shirt
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  (605): View more from South Dakota

  I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

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  (605): I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF? http://tfl.nu/tx7k
  Replies (14) Good night (5708) Bad night (932) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

  (1-310): View more from California

  you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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  (310): thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee! (1-310): you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right? http://tfl.nu/vyk6
  Replies (30) Good night (11632) Bad night (1093) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.

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  (609): imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift. http://tfl.nu/z6oe
  Replies (31) Good night (1308) Bad night (3785) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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  (703): like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it. http://tfl.nu/vg3u
  Replies (22) Good night (6026) Bad night (1207) Order T-Shirt
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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Why are you covered in frosting?

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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  (952): Why are you covered in frosting? (262): Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy. http://tfl.nu/9hct
  Replies (24) Good night (6270) Bad night (829)
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  (315): View more from New York

  Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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  (315): Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial. http://tfl.nu/jwzw
  Replies (20) Good night (1379) Bad night (6965) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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  (512): You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you." http://tfl.nu/7ipp
  Replies (9) Good night (4132) Bad night (1612) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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  (817): he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down. http://tfl.nu/bkhk
  Replies (16) Good night (4523) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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  (860): I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows. http://tfl.nu/2kv7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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  (770): All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better" http://tfl.nu/pc1d
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......

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  (610): Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain....... http://tfl.nu/fodn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay

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  (216): there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay http://tfl.nu/f4sg
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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  (540): all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes http://tfl.nu/yixn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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  (+44): That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar http://tfl.nu/aq1i
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  (914): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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  (914): i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it http://tfl.nu/9xaf
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions

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  (770): The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions http://tfl.nu/csf1
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  (516): View more from New York

  The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.

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  (516): The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right. http://tfl.nu/nc3r
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  (510): View more from California

  answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

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  (510): answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it. http://tfl.nu/6rsg
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.

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  (843): all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies. http://tfl.nu/8ixd
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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  (630): We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds http://tfl.nu/p9wa
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

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  (804): Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3. http://tfl.nu/mf94
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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  (908): I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head http://tfl.nu/52vv
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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  (303): It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic. http://tfl.nu/yvsq
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.

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  (973): Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again. http://tfl.nu/gz8q
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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  (412): it's like her boobs came off with her bra http://tfl.nu/ua1r
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  (714): View more from California

  Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.

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  (714): Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare. http://tfl.nu/ceys
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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  (540): Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex. http://tfl.nu/iyvz
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  (805): View more from California

  the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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  (805): the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do. http://tfl.nu/fu0w
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?

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  (404): So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat? http://tfl.nu/7wij
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.

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  (513): i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure. http://tfl.nu/ruyi
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  (315): View more from New York

  idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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  (315): idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever. http://tfl.nu/p80i
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.

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  (651): I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up. http://tfl.nu/q8q2
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day

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  (989): I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day http://tfl.nu/4uqd
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'

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  (647): she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready' http://tfl.nu/8jmk
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious

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  (862): forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious http://tfl.nu/eea3
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.

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  (703): I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes. http://tfl.nu/8kb3
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.

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  (502): I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap. http://tfl.nu/9a2a
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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  (480): I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop. http://tfl.nu/wrzz
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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  (301): did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right. http://tfl.nu/lg5g
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?

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  (813): Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room? http://tfl.nu/bp9i
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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  (724): She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring. http://tfl.nu/wizw
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.

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  (410): There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to. http://tfl.nu/sxdr
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  (289): View more from Ontario

  It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.

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  (289): It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack. http://tfl.nu/6xg5
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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  (905): i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers. http://tfl.nu/1i45
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  (315): View more from New York

  He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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  (315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.

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  (519): I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid. http://tfl.nu/7asr
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns

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  (618): he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns http://tfl.nu/88xb
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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  (814): Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water http://tfl.nu/ivkw
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  (415): View more from California

  I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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  (415): I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?" http://tfl.nu/fnwu
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.

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  (702): I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high. http://tfl.nu/9ove
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  (714): View more from California

  You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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  (714): You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo" http://tfl.nu/an5c
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  (650): View more from California

  so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

  (1-650): View more from California

  did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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  (650): so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet. (1-650): did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one? http://tfl.nu/1hzw
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  (650): View more from California

  we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  god you guys know how to party

  (650): View more from California

  worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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  (650): we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed (505): god you guys know how to party (650): worst. bachelorette party. ever. http://tfl.nu/3oqx
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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  (601): We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month http://tfl.nu/d8l1
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  (409): View more from Texas

  We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

  (1-409): View more from Texas

  How are you texting me from 1998?

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  (409): We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus (1-409): How are you texting me from 1998? http://tfl.nu/t1vq
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  (916): View more from California

  Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

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  (916): Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool? http://tfl.nu/8wpx
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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  (636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time

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  (617): he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time http://tfl.nu/x6gg
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  (530): View more from California

  you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"

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  (530): you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars" http://tfl.nu/ujcf
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.

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  (978): Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win. http://tfl.nu/r148
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  (917): View more from New York City

  pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

  (347): View more from New York

  I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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  (917): pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock (347): I THOUGHT I SAW YOU http://tfl.nu/jrv0
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  (210): View more from Texas

  they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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  (210): they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird http://tfl.nu/vuhd
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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  (901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  "Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move

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  (601): "Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move http://tfl.nu/qn14
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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  (720): You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger. http://tfl.nu/3qkv
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

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  (317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time http://tfl.nu/w7q6
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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  (604): fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this http://tfl.nu/yh2h
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Whoa, Gary Coleman died

  (224): View more from Illinois

  Whatchu talkin bout?!?!

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Too soon.

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  (847): Whoa, Gary Coleman died (224): Whatchu talkin bout?!?! (847): Too soon. http://tfl.nu/36gw
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (805): View more from California

  Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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  (805): Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever" http://tfl.nu/wsl5
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  (850): View more from Florida

  You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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  (850): You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line. http://tfl.nu/m4ec
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  (408): View more from California

  Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?

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  (408): Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut? http://tfl.nu/riq0
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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  (512): I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order. http://tfl.nu/zk7q
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (941): View more from Florida

  so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.

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  (941): so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation. http://tfl.nu/o6ey
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away

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  (732): i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away http://tfl.nu/d57a
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  (607): View more from New York

  You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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  (607): You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me http://tfl.nu/ry9s
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.

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  (828): my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is. http://tfl.nu/zedm
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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  (847): Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself. http://tfl.nu/r7wv
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  (949): View more from California

  You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.

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  (949): You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food. http://tfl.nu/pk8x
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

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  (203): a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up. http://tfl.nu/5e3h
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  (516): View more from New York

  The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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  (516): The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids. http://tfl.nu/z0hh
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  (559): View more from California

  So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best

  (310): View more from California

  and??

  (559): View more from California

  Cake is only good when you eat it

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  (559): So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best (310): and?? (559): Cake is only good when you eat it http://tfl.nu/ifoq
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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  (780): but the lizard people decide everything anyway http://tfl.nu/21qe
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.

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  (508): billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down. http://tfl.nu/h3l0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town

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  (215): you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town http://tfl.nu/6oiy
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.

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  (608): You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied. http://tfl.nu/sqjw
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  (805): View more from California

  I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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  (805): I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals. http://tfl.nu/6f3c
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woah.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  that's not how you spell hell yes.

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  (918): you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you? (1-918): Woah. (918): that's not how you spell hell yes. http://tfl.nu/i519
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
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