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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
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