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Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
why would she put his p in her m after it was in her a? that's gross
its gross she let him put his p in her a nevermind his p in her m after p in her v. cleaning up is necessary
i put my m on your v after my p was in your v. no big deal
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
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