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There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
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