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So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
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