Texts From Last Night

johnnymerse83's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133083) Bad night (5769)
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64839) Bad night (2522)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62255) Bad night (4267)
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59119) Bad night (7123) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
  Replies (70) Good night (39310) Bad night (1500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Ontario

  Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home http://tfl.nu/32l0
  Replies (54) Good night (27303) Bad night (2521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life. http://tfl.nu/paqh
  Replies (71) Good night (25738) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (347): View more from New York

  I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth. http://tfl.nu/tax7
  Replies (70) Good night (19061) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends. http://tfl.nu/ft9d
  Replies (17) Good night (4244) Bad night (561) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (301): View more from Maryland

  Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (301): Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night http://tfl.nu/y3ii
  Replies (45) Good night (3514) Bad night (659) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else. http://tfl.nu/cpkz
  Replies (11) Good night (3344) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2760) Bad night (280) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June. http://tfl.nu/llud
  Replies (13) Good night (2651) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception. http://tfl.nu/8si3
  Replies (11) Good night (2587) Bad night (341) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day http://tfl.nu/h5lz
  Replies (8) Good night (2140) Bad night (467) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Did she say Ok?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA! (1-512): Did she say Ok? http://tfl.nu/jji5
  Replies (8) Good night (2088) Bad night (537)
• Favorite

  (309): View more from Illinois

  new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (309): new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey. http://tfl.nu/5gwc
  Replies (4) Good night (1783) Bad night (391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case. http://tfl.nu/3tdp
  Replies (10) Good night (1623) Bad night (344) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (002): View more from

  There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (002): There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink http://tfl.nu/tsjq
  Replies (8) Good night (1610) Bad night (275) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated. http://tfl.nu/dk0w
  Replies (11) Good night (1596) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey http://tfl.nu/q901
  Replies (10) Good night (1560) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying http://tfl.nu/m75c
  Replies (8) Good night (1440) Bad night (301) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy http://tfl.nu/f1hz
  Replies (10) Good night (1435) Bad night (421)
• Favorite

  (903): View more from Texas

  I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (903): I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper. http://tfl.nu/88zt
  Replies (7) Good night (1350) Bad night (342) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big. http://tfl.nu/njru
  Replies (4) Good night (1346) Bad night (278) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  It's gameday bitch. Man up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (336): I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged. (412): It's gameday bitch. Man up. http://tfl.nu/dewp
  Replies (2) Good night (1322) Bad night (482)
• Favorite

  (514): View more from Quebec

  I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (514): I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed. http://tfl.nu/63hq
  Replies (3) Good night (1274) Bad night (324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens. (1-413): A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck. http://tfl.nu/qib0
  Replies (9) Good night (1263) Bad night (402) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years? http://tfl.nu/coam
  Replies (3) Good night (1257) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how http://tfl.nu/4odx
  Replies (17) Good night (1230) Bad night (410) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration. http://tfl.nu/xlpu
  Replies (5) Good night (1158) Bad night (399)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day... http://tfl.nu/0scx
  Replies (12) Good night (977) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol http://tfl.nu/w5ds
  Replies (5) Good night (965) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me. http://tfl.nu/fau7
  Replies (3) Good night (943) Bad night (141) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (858): View more from California

  There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (858): There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie. http://tfl.nu/bbcq
  Replies (5) Good night (916) Bad night (191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels http://tfl.nu/y9c9
  Replies (5) Good night (896) Bad night (201)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people. http://tfl.nu/y8iw
  Replies (12) Good night (855) Bad night (267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (865): View more from Tennessee

  I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (865): I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend http://tfl.nu/9cvt
  Replies (1) Good night (731) Bad night (297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid. http://tfl.nu/r9er
  Replies (6) Good night (718) Bad night (261) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious http://tfl.nu/b9mo
  Replies (5) Good night (662) Bad night (376) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this. http://tfl.nu/hb6a
  Replies (1) Good night (625) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (701): She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down. http://tfl.nu/f22r
  Replies (18) Good night (566) Bad night (1173) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone http://tfl.nu/1xod
  Replies (6) Good night (528) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start. http://tfl.nu/gyl1
  Replies (8) Good night (468) Bad night (1034) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (575): View more from New Mexico

  Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (575): Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them. http://tfl.nu/kglo
  Replies (7) Good night (328) Bad night (715) Order T-Shirt