Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Follow @tfln