Texts From Last Night

MajorJohnson's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"... http://tfl.nu/2wkl
  Replies (485) Good night (173026) Bad night (6897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142143) Bad night (9312) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
  Replies (179) Good night (85888) Bad night (3074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65378) Bad night (3435)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
  Replies (14) Good night (11438) Bad night (1156) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths. http://tfl.nu/2srv
  Replies (38) Good night (10295) Bad night (1930) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
  Replies (353) Good night (7744) Bad night (48309)
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room http://tfl.nu/3g7q
  Replies (128) Good night (7631) Bad night (60840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7 http://tfl.nu/thj7
  Replies (14) Good night (6177) Bad night (718) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  Hopefully she would park on my face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there. (1-919): Hopefully she would park on my face. http://tfl.nu/4722
  Replies (21) Good night (6139) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal" (501): Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him... http://tfl.nu/wsps
  Replies (15) Good night (5970) Bad night (771)
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.

  (478): View more from Georgia

  I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit. (478): I'll get my vaginal cartography poster. http://tfl.nu/m8ec
  Replies (28) Good night (5693) Bad night (1056)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love. http://tfl.nu/nlvg
  Replies (13) Good night (5374) Bad night (1080) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (803): There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together... http://tfl.nu/sic1
  Replies (13) Good night (4882) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (989): I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it. http://tfl.nu/prf6
  Replies (14) Good night (4809) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks http://tfl.nu/vee8
  Replies (22) Good night (4512) Bad night (1449) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (585): I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome" http://tfl.nu/e453
  Replies (4) Good night (4431) Bad night (754)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  and you succeeded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk. (1-919): and you succeeded. http://tfl.nu/9cm4
  Replies (11) Good night (4256) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (351): View more from Massachusetts

  the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (351): the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me. http://tfl.nu/s3y3
  Replies (5) Good night (4217) Bad night (1073) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (702): View more from Nevada

  I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (702): I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat. http://tfl.nu/7ors
  Replies (13) Good night (4055) Bad night (996) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (409): View more from Texas

  You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (409): You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate. http://tfl.nu/kfhp
  Replies (7) Good night (3981) Bad night (594)
• Favorite

  (720): View more from Colorado

  Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (720): Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon http://tfl.nu/1u8n
  Replies (12) Good night (3896) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (318): We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed.. http://tfl.nu/orkv
  Replies (3) Good night (3887) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (807): View more from Ontario

  If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (807): If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right http://tfl.nu/lb7z
  Replies (3) Good night (3819) Bad night (727) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning. http://tfl.nu/9kly
  Replies (5) Good night (3799) Bad night (502)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine. http://tfl.nu/zg3z
  Replies (9) Good night (3595) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (641): View more from Iowa

  My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (641): My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism. http://tfl.nu/v9dh
  Replies (9) Good night (3581) Bad night (914) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit. http://tfl.nu/gou5
  Replies (11) Good night (3542) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo. http://tfl.nu/dqo9
  Replies (20) Good night (3324) Bad night (1250) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice. http://tfl.nu/09lg
  Replies (4) Good night (3262) Bad night (945) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day. http://tfl.nu/lmzq
  Replies (8) Good night (3244) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis http://tfl.nu/8a3h
  Replies (13) Good night (3177) Bad night (549) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips. http://tfl.nu/10y5
  Replies (14) Good night (3106) Bad night (1709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this. http://tfl.nu/zxgb
  Replies (5) Good night (3084) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good. http://tfl.nu/kvkg
  Replies (12) Good night (3079) Bad night (837) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt. http://tfl.nu/f1ui
  Replies (10) Good night (3013) Bad night (748) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court. http://tfl.nu/yjxx
  Replies (13) Good night (3010) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology. http://tfl.nu/d4l9
  Replies (14) Good night (2973) Bad night (1369)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA http://tfl.nu/ppt3
  Replies (23) Good night (2950) Bad night (1267) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit

  (646): View more from New York

  The facepaint not the blacking out

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit (646): The facepaint not the blacking out http://tfl.nu/pnw5
  Replies (6) Good night (2886) Bad night (636)
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week. http://tfl.nu/o9bn
  Replies (13) Good night (2790) Bad night (1386) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  where the hell would u of bought a deer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it (1-717): where the hell would u of bought a deer http://tfl.nu/semf
  Replies (9) Good night (2719) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe. http://tfl.nu/8iw1
  Replies (13) Good night (2707) Bad night (926) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (812): Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave? http://tfl.nu/yd5g
  Replies (4) Good night (2690) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong. http://tfl.nu/skna
  Replies (8) Good night (2655) Bad night (691)
• Favorite

  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+31): The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?' http://tfl.nu/vspz
  Replies (6) Good night (2586) Bad night (683) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (619): View more from California

  Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (619): Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time. http://tfl.nu/4w7h
  Replies (21) Good night (2560) Bad night (1095) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club. http://tfl.nu/hcoc
  Replies (5) Good night (2549) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers. http://tfl.nu/r7l6
  Replies (16) Good night (2532) Bad night (651) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (909): View more from California

  Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (909): Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas. http://tfl.nu/i4ub
  Replies (6) Good night (2520) Bad night (678) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even. http://tfl.nu/28ty
  Replies (7) Good night (2507) Bad night (530) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single http://tfl.nu/1weq
  Replies (12) Good night (2429) Bad night (787) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me. http://tfl.nu/x609
  Replies (5) Good night (2390) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned. http://tfl.nu/x9uh
  Replies (7) Good night (2373) Bad night (1375) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (763): I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder. http://tfl.nu/dpkn
  Replies (7) Good night (2337) Bad night (955) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point. http://tfl.nu/ezlw
  Replies (14) Good night (2330) Bad night (942) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (940): View more from Texas

  This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (940): This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing http://tfl.nu/18y7
  Replies (9) Good night (2294) Bad night (871)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that. http://tfl.nu/qgn9
  Replies (8) Good night (2264) Bad night (724) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (636): Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time. http://tfl.nu/mfto
  Replies (6) Good night (2229) Bad night (1166) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (626): View more from California

  I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (626): I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night. http://tfl.nu/5hoo
  Replies (7) Good night (2210) Bad night (567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable. http://tfl.nu/pwwk
  Replies (15) Good night (2191) Bad night (979) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate http://tfl.nu/t9ao
  Replies (3) Good night (2190) Bad night (750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (217): View more from Illinois

  she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (217): she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work http://tfl.nu/qwhd
  Replies (3) Good night (2130) Bad night (1083) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning. http://tfl.nu/wknn
  Replies (6) Good night (2070) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (601): How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to? http://tfl.nu/gwpj
  Replies (7) Good night (2049) Bad night (707) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener. http://tfl.nu/h6je
  Replies (12) Good night (1981) Bad night (2570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later http://tfl.nu/sax8
  Replies (4) Good night (1980) Bad night (697) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (423): Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle http://tfl.nu/m7ud
  Replies (7) Good night (1945) Bad night (669)
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon http://tfl.nu/yvmd
  Replies (15) Good night (1833) Bad night (575) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later. http://tfl.nu/riev
  Replies (17) Good night (1813) Bad night (2208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight. http://tfl.nu/vjdx
  Replies (7) Good night (1754) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
  Replies (25) Good night (1714) Bad night (4311)
• Favorite

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (828): Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes. http://tfl.nu/k70t
  Replies (9) Good night (1548) Bad night (1164) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  "I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): "I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face." http://tfl.nu/mi59
  Replies (27) Good night (1085) Bad night (4074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye http://tfl.nu/qnov
  Replies (12) Good night (977) Bad night (2637) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life. http://tfl.nu/utnc
  Replies (7) Good night (967) Bad night (3912)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail http://tfl.nu/mc07
  Replies (11) Good night (930) Bad night (2151) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (512): View more from Texas

  I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (512): I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin" http://tfl.nu/ceeo
  Replies (16) Good night (881) Bad night (4928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me http://tfl.nu/9534
  Replies (2) Good night (865) Bad night (2237) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory. http://tfl.nu/8tn6
  Replies (3) Good night (865) Bad night (1699) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds. http://tfl.nu/ovdt
  Replies (9) Good night (844) Bad night (3900) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (306): I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me. http://tfl.nu/ri8m
  Replies (16) Good night (777) Bad night (2585) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (281): View more from Texas

  Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (281): Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner? http://tfl.nu/iojv
  Replies (18) Good night (749) Bad night (3574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas. http://tfl.nu/bset
  Replies (8) Good night (670) Bad night (2391) Order T-Shirt