Texts From Last Night

BigglesJunior's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
  Replies (200) Good night (80177) Bad night (4305) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73367) Bad night (2463) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62250) Bad night (4267)
• Favorite

  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46587) Bad night (1693)
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him http://tfl.nu/5c6r
  Replies (144) Good night (17389) Bad night (2720) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated. http://tfl.nu/xw0x
  Replies (17) Good night (16758) Bad night (966) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (240): View more from Maryland

  We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (240): We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course. http://tfl.nu/y9iu
  Replies (55) Good night (15886) Bad night (1248)
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place http://tfl.nu/xlhx
  Replies (58) Good night (15800) Bad night (823)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that. http://tfl.nu/jia8
  Replies (110) Good night (14504) Bad night (820) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  what happened last night?

  (917): View more from New York City

  u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

  (718): View more from New York

  that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): what happened last night? (917): u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style (718): that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left http://tfl.nu/i3a9
  Replies (39) Good night (13968) Bad night (901)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
  Replies (47) Good night (13802) Bad night (891)
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

  (949): View more from California

  I gave it to your brother to give to you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it? (949): I gave it to your brother to give to you. http://tfl.nu/fwxt
  Replies (55) Good night (13539) Bad night (5082)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!" http://tfl.nu/94sw
  Replies (84) Good night (13073) Bad night (1527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else. http://tfl.nu/yur0
  Replies (47) Good night (12804) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12723) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country. http://tfl.nu/okwk
  Replies (85) Good night (12691) Bad night (1256) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever http://tfl.nu/iy56
  Replies (51) Good night (10823) Bad night (1082)
• Favorite

  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
  Replies (53) Good night (10536) Bad night (1474) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  nevermind....I'm on the way

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high (808): worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave (814): nevermind....I'm on the way http://tfl.nu/dzeu
  Replies (70) Good night (10120) Bad night (808)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school http://tfl.nu/ysoe
  Replies (59) Good night (10042) Bad night (829) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job. http://tfl.nu/jeil
  Replies (56) Good night (9862) Bad night (855) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  That's funny. Are they weird looking???

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart. (1-262): That's funny. Are they weird looking??? (262): OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS. http://tfl.nu/egmz
  Replies (38) Good night (8764) Bad night (1215)
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
  Replies (16) Good night (8696) Bad night (1015)
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel. http://tfl.nu/jndo
  Replies (56) Good night (8199) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
  Replies (14) Good night (8039) Bad night (755)
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real http://tfl.nu/vc07
  Replies (62) Good night (7766) Bad night (1135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (541): View more from Oregon

  No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (541): No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed. http://tfl.nu/54wn
  Replies (64) Good night (7670) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it http://tfl.nu/8zt4
  Replies (15) Good night (7601) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
  Replies (28) Good night (6940) Bad night (773)
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

  (409): View more from Texas

  That was definitely the right answer.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her. (409): That was definitely the right answer. http://tfl.nu/zisl
  Replies (19) Good night (6615) Bad night (1016)
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  Shut up. I did not.

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I really wish I was making that up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras. (1-918): Shut up. I did not. (918): I really wish I was making that up. http://tfl.nu/wbcz
  Replies (35) Good night (6528) Bad night (607)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (508): dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move (617): that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame http://tfl.nu/79g6
  Replies (15) Good night (6489) Bad night (603)
• Favorite

  (706): View more from Georgia

  don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (706): don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me. http://tfl.nu/kxxf
  Replies (26) Good night (6449) Bad night (1017) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le
  Replies (25) Good night (6259) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door. http://tfl.nu/6ofj
  Replies (19) Good night (6153) Bad night (780)
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders. http://tfl.nu/3tbi
  Replies (73) Good night (5984) Bad night (2750) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (419): View more from Ohio

  Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (419): Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them. http://tfl.nu/vhc8
  Replies (42) Good night (5840) Bad night (466) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (435): View more from Utah

  Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (435): Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed. http://tfl.nu/zk8r
  Replies (29) Good night (5702) Bad night (1030)
• Favorite

  (602): View more from Arizona

  you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

  (928): View more from Arizona

  a cake, in the toilet

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (602): you'll never guess what i found when i got home... (928): a cake, in the toilet http://tfl.nu/md4l
  Replies (25) Good night (5546) Bad night (993)
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  well in DOG beers, i've only had one

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): well in DOG beers, i've only had one http://tfl.nu/2mnf
  Replies (20) Good night (5303) Bad night (672) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
  Replies (11) Good night (5264) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world. http://tfl.nu/0s72
  Replies (45) Good night (5260) Bad night (801)
• Favorite

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (732): No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day. http://tfl.nu/5atz
  Replies (29) Good night (5199) Bad night (1883) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (740): View more from Ohio

  I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (740): I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever. http://tfl.nu/glym
  Replies (22) Good night (5167) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant http://tfl.nu/517l
  Replies (17) Good night (5146) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation. http://tfl.nu/r77c
  Replies (19) Good night (4998) Bad night (1152) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases http://tfl.nu/lpic
  Replies (14) Good night (4984) Bad night (1083)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
  Replies (36) Good night (4785) Bad night (851)
• Favorite

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (780): So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned". http://tfl.nu/rmju
  Replies (36) Good night (4738) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
  Replies (14) Good night (4703) Bad night (559)
• Favorite

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (609): She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew. http://tfl.nu/vnvf
  Replies (27) Good night (4405) Bad night (1282) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (218): The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME http://tfl.nu/4k9l
  Replies (15) Good night (4369) Bad night (1213) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank" (201): hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins http://tfl.nu/g5wh
  Replies (41) Good night (4354) Bad night (1214)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.

  (1-919): View more from North Carolina

  and you succeeded.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk. (1-919): and you succeeded. http://tfl.nu/9cm4
  Replies (11) Good night (4256) Bad night (858) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady. http://tfl.nu/u3v1
  Replies (8) Good night (4048) Bad night (666)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE http://tfl.nu/jqwa
  Replies (18) Good night (4007) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (731): View more from Tennessee

  She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (731): She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro http://tfl.nu/kq10
  Replies (24) Good night (3987) Bad night (456) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+27): View more from South Africa

  Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!" http://tfl.nu/eeqt
  Replies (15) Good night (3848) Bad night (667) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
  Replies (12) Good night (3801) Bad night (634)
• Favorite

  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3691) Bad night (1685)
• Favorite

  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Lube is flammable

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Who is this??

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (502): Lube is flammable (404): Who is this?? http://tfl.nu/y4u7
  Replies (18) Good night (3596) Bad night (549)
• Favorite

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
  Replies (9) Good night (3561) Bad night (860)
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call. http://tfl.nu/mofx
  Replies (11) Good night (3462) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed. http://tfl.nu/yv11
  Replies (8) Good night (3441) Bad night (840) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card http://tfl.nu/flh6
  Replies (27) Good night (3386) Bad night (984) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja
  Replies (12) Good night (3294) Bad night (963) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (805): View more from California

  What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (805): What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc. http://tfl.nu/01sm
  Replies (29) Good night (3264) Bad night (445)
• Favorite

  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (919): I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during http://tfl.nu/dav8
  Replies (21) Good night (3261) Bad night (446) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

  (630): View more from Illinois

  I love you bro

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese (312): Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard? (630): I love you bro http://tfl.nu/jz3g
  Replies (10) Good night (3252) Bad night (540)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
  Replies (6) Good night (3235) Bad night (753)
• Favorite

  (913): View more from Kansas

  You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (913): You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion. http://tfl.nu/50jg
  Replies (86) Good night (3208) Bad night (546) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
  Replies (15) Good night (3168) Bad night (653) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard. http://tfl.nu/5mz2
  Replies (17) Good night (3139) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (352): View more from Florida

  I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (352): I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle. http://tfl.nu/6oed
  Replies (15) Good night (3133) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  I'm trying to make a sex playlist

  (916): View more from California

  record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist (916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. http://tfl.nu/f4y5
  Replies (12) Good night (3124) Bad night (1099)
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this. http://tfl.nu/zxgb
  Replies (5) Good night (3084) Bad night (625) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire. http://tfl.nu/vw34
  Replies (11) Good night (2990) Bad night (604) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs. http://tfl.nu/w3j8
  Replies (20) Good night (2990) Bad night (693)
• Favorite

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (832): I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots" (832): On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep. http://tfl.nu/g6me
  Replies (16) Good night (2953) Bad night (538)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS http://tfl.nu/2yyy
  Replies (5) Good night (2863) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus. http://tfl.nu/4ptg
  Replies (18) Good night (2839) Bad night (907) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls. http://tfl.nu/qfqf
  Replies (14) Good night (2810) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

  (440): View more from Ohio

  isn't bella the cat???

  (216): View more from Ohio

  that she is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away (440): isn't bella the cat??? (216): that she is http://tfl.nu/l83t
  Replies (9) Good night (2742) Bad night (904)
• Favorite

  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (413): Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day. http://tfl.nu/6cqk
  Replies (17) Good night (2738) Bad night (569) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (972): View more from Texas

  I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (972): I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls. http://tfl.nu/wzfh
  Replies (9) Good night (2725) Bad night (596)
• Favorite

  (416): View more from Toronto

  I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (416): I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn. http://tfl.nu/iixt
  Replies (12) Good night (2709) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies. http://tfl.nu/sr2h
  Replies (17) Good night (2616) Bad night (420) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk. http://tfl.nu/rohk
  Replies (9) Good night (2604) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over. http://tfl.nu/hufa
  Replies (21) Good night (2561) Bad night (1006) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (623): View more from Arizona

  Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

  (1-623): View more from Arizona

  That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (623): Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice. (1-623): That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me http://tfl.nu/ei2r
  Replies (8) Good night (2560) Bad night (478)
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them http://tfl.nu/vo2h
  Replies (13) Good night (2445) Bad night (557) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf. http://tfl.nu/v6hn
  Replies (7) Good night (2431) Bad night (445) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles. http://tfl.nu/gha2
  Replies (10) Good night (2403) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU" http://tfl.nu/83a4
  Replies (7) Good night (2366) Bad night (687) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Yea well when i pee it makes steam.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): Yea well when i pee it makes steam. http://tfl.nu/1t52
  Replies (11) Good night (2275) Bad night (869) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (252): View more from North Carolina

  I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (252): I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck http://tfl.nu/v85x
  Replies (15) Good night (2251) Bad night (564) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
  Replies (8) Good night (2223) Bad night (679) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

  (1-401): View more from Rhode Island

  you can....by speaking....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook (1-401): you can....by speaking.... http://tfl.nu/42zu
  Replies (16) Good night (2213) Bad night (2613) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears. http://tfl.nu/pw7m
  Replies (41) Good night (2210) Bad night (4996) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore http://tfl.nu/9n7j
  Replies (5) Good night (2163) Bad night (629) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store. http://tfl.nu/kxjk
  Replies (8) Good night (2136) Bad night (295) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic http://tfl.nu/zfxf
  Replies (5) Good night (2072) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb... http://tfl.nu/trz3
  Replies (11) Good night (2046) Bad night (398) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/hfa7
  Replies (40) Good night (2030) Bad night (2946)
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem. http://tfl.nu/kucl
  Replies (29) Good night (1996) Bad night (503) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

  I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (709): I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her. http://tfl.nu/w26o
  Replies (10) Good night (1984) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
  Replies (41) Good night (1981) Bad night (5031)
• Favorite

  (302): View more from Delaware

  I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (302): I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course http://tfl.nu/mcvz
  Replies (62) Good night (1977) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

  (312): View more from Illinois

  Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck (312): Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to? http://tfl.nu/odqf
  Replies (72) Good night (1936) Bad night (9061)
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best http://tfl.nu/7i53
  Replies (7) Good night (1930) Bad night (1138)
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there. http://tfl.nu/lavl
  Replies (10) Good night (1917) Bad night (500) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast" http://tfl.nu/sn1x
  Replies (11) Good night (1865) Bad night (2938) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (980): View more from North Carolina

  You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (980): You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls. http://tfl.nu/1jxr
  Replies (12) Good night (1861) Bad night (3005) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex http://tfl.nu/fymj
  Replies (8) Good night (1859) Bad night (937) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (774): I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you. http://tfl.nu/ievp
  Replies (8) Good night (1813) Bad night (527) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan. http://tfl.nu/rfh9
  Replies (4) Good night (1713) Bad night (616) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does" http://tfl.nu/16y8
  Replies (16) Good night (1708) Bad night (6482) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole. http://tfl.nu/sdc1
  Replies (9) Good night (1684) Bad night (349) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

  (540): View more from Virginia

  pics

  (757): View more from Virginia

  no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood (540): pics (757): no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles http://tfl.nu/lmz0
  Replies (6) Good night (1641) Bad night (541)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal. (708): Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks. http://tfl.nu/2r2v
  Replies (9) Good night (1637) Bad night (608)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension http://tfl.nu/j5kg
  Replies (12) Good night (1528) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  somebody snuck up and got me drunk

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): somebody snuck up and got me drunk http://tfl.nu/xe32
  Replies (4) Good night (1478) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

  (1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

  IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (717): Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango (1-717): IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN. http://tfl.nu/b5hl
  Replies (44) Good night (1468) Bad night (5108)
• Favorite

  (716): View more from New York

  I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (716): I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad. http://tfl.nu/kobd
  Replies (15) Good night (1414) Bad night (2316) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it. http://tfl.nu/o2t5
  Replies (8) Good night (1403) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people http://tfl.nu/73fe
  Replies (8) Good night (1380) Bad night (535) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits. http://tfl.nu/9n54
  Replies (10) Good night (1375) Bad night (3383) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter http://tfl.nu/o0yy
  Replies (33) Good night (1365) Bad night (6212) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (715): I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever http://tfl.nu/rkkg
  Replies (3) Good night (1355) Bad night (346)
• Favorite

  (417): View more from Missouri

  Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (417): Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted? http://tfl.nu/v1i6
  Replies (11) Good night (1343) Bad night (2952) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (906): View more from Michigan

  I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (906): I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u? http://tfl.nu/ided
  Replies (4) Good night (1340) Bad night (772) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him http://tfl.nu/rnup
  Replies (63) Good night (1337) Bad night (3600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (646): View more from New York

  If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (646): If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better http://tfl.nu/zbhj
  Replies (3) Good night (1331) Bad night (765) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed. http://tfl.nu/q7k6
  Replies (9) Good night (1308) Bad night (1633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (941): View more from Florida

  I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (941): I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off (1-941): Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS http://tfl.nu/yudy
  Replies (6) Good night (1203) Bad night (437)
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species. http://tfl.nu/4i2r
  Replies (59) Good night (1188) Bad night (2715) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (54) Good night (1168) Bad night (6107)
• Favorite

  (707): View more from California

  Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (707): Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo. http://tfl.nu/dtd1
  Replies (22) Good night (1160) Bad night (5279)
• Favorite

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (908): her vagina looked like a handful of raisins. http://tfl.nu/5whx
  Replies (91) Good night (1144) Bad night (24038) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (201): i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed. http://tfl.nu/ojs9
  Replies (29) Good night (1109) Bad night (6599)
• Favorite

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  So do you want to come over? ;)

  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (612): So do you want to come over? ;) (763): Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry. http://tfl.nu/m0zn
  Replies (44) Good night (1070) Bad night (6720)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight. http://tfl.nu/c8kn
  Replies (6) Good night (1038) Bad night (488) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (231): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (231): Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted. http://tfl.nu/tphx
  Replies (29) Good night (1032) Bad night (3639) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

  (1-775): View more from Nevada

  What!?!?! How are you txting?!

  (775): View more from Nevada

  Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (775): Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you. (1-775): What!?!?! How are you txting?! (775): Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1ioc
  Replies (55) Good night (1030) Bad night (2933)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night. (703): The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie. http://tfl.nu/hgcg
  Replies (27) Good night (996) Bad night (2534)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band. http://tfl.nu/y1g3
  Replies (18) Good night (975) Bad night (5100) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow http://tfl.nu/f59o
  Replies (9) Good night (924) Bad night (1863) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (239): View more from Florida

  Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (239): Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer http://tfl.nu/egws
  Replies (5) Good night (830) Bad night (570) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek http://tfl.nu/7b27
  Replies (5) Good night (808) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (907): View more from Alaska

  Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (907): Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen http://tfl.nu/aug1
  Replies (14) Good night (807) Bad night (2421) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

  (804): View more from Virginia

  a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater! (804): a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf. (804): That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit. http://tfl.nu/wspf
  Replies (115) Good night (786) Bad night (3098)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
  Replies (26) Good night (729) Bad night (2214)
• Favorite

  (225): View more from Louisiana

  i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (225): i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels http://tfl.nu/zg26
  Replies (58) Good night (716) Bad night (8095) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (229): View more from Georgia

  It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (229): It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing. http://tfl.nu/o6in
  Replies (47) Good night (665) Bad night (5316) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Update, blind date is cute and fun.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Scratch that, blind date just threw up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Update, blind date is cute and fun. (248): Scratch that, blind date just threw up. http://tfl.nu/ooba
  Replies (10) Good night (525) Bad night (3856)