Texts From Last Night

strawberrysweet9's Favorites Texts:

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  (562): View more from California

  omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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  (562): omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever. http://tfl.nu/2p77
  Replies (291) Good night (29462) Bad night (13135) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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  (919): so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog. http://tfl.nu/73qd
  Replies (444) Good night (112224) Bad night (9729) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142164) Bad night (9313) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86083) Bad night (8380)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
  Replies (358) Good night (59133) Bad night (7125) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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  (703): He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job http://tfl.nu/934s
  Replies (14) Good night (1537) Bad night (7090) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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  (740): I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream http://tfl.nu/eta2
  Replies (28) Good night (2520) Bad night (6879) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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  (801): Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon. http://tfl.nu/ouiw
  Replies (14) Good night (946) Bad night (5317) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

  (905): View more from Ontario

  You're fat. Stop making excuses

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  (647): all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes (905): You're fat. Stop making excuses http://tfl.nu/rdmk
  Replies (70) Good night (13020) Bad night (5283)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56847) Bad night (4690)
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
  Replies (280) Good night (54032) Bad night (4403) Order T-Shirt
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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  (505): i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction http://tfl.nu/hb6q
  Replies (10) Good night (813) Bad night (4334) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
  Replies (289) Good night (62263) Bad night (4269)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.

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  (214): Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned. http://tfl.nu/8xw4
  Replies (23) Good night (1300) Bad night (4148) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
  Replies (386) Good night (40799) Bad night (3882)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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  (519): he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes http://tfl.nu/rvmv
  Replies (13) Good night (949) Bad night (3873) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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  (802): Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good. http://tfl.nu/wigs
  Replies (9) Good night (1995) Bad night (3858) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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  (815): just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling http://tfl.nu/a8k8
  Replies (18) Good night (2095) Bad night (3665) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I'm fucking your sister right now.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  You motherfucker

  (813): View more from Florida

  She's next.

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  (813): I'm fucking your sister right now. (1-813): You motherfucker (813): She's next. http://tfl.nu/gaup
  Replies (152) Good night (65392) Bad night (3440)
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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  (270): The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned. http://tfl.nu/9j2r
  Replies (30) Good night (5093) Bad night (3331)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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  (512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT. http://tfl.nu/zq8a
  Replies (203) Good night (40010) Bad night (3198) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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  (330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down http://tfl.nu/yeuq
  Replies (206) Good night (51700) Bad night (2735) Order T-Shirt
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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  (504): how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades? http://tfl.nu/s5wu
  Replies (79) Good night (15433) Bad night (2679) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73390) Bad night (2471) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51579) Bad night (2264)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
  Replies (131) Good night (31773) Bad night (2252) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
  Replies (216) Good night (33614) Bad night (2240)
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
  Replies (67) Good night (12674) Bad night (2171) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
  Replies (30) Good night (9616) Bad night (2081) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (43944) Bad night (1997)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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  (215): The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room. http://tfl.nu/3nsa
  Replies (86) Good night (39686) Bad night (1951) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
  Replies (59) Good night (14861) Bad night (1930) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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  (226): This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon http://tfl.nu/4pbx
  Replies (43) Good night (13819) Bad night (1929) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
  Replies (76) Good night (16211) Bad night (1841)
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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  (775): before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal. http://tfl.nu/j0la
  Replies (69) Good night (38068) Bad night (1815)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do you jack off and text at the same time?

  (1-281): View more from Texas

  On my iPhone they have an app for that

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  (281): How do you jack off and text at the same time? (1-281): On my iPhone they have an app for that http://tfl.nu/2tk7
  Replies (84) Good night (31349) Bad night (1748) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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  (315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi
  Replies (7) Good night (3552) Bad night (1738) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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  (631): beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner. http://tfl.nu/w2xi
  Replies (12) Good night (3202) Bad night (1736) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
  Replies (70) Good night (24699) Bad night (1721)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

  (218): View more from Minnesota

  I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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  (715): Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy! (218): I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head. http://tfl.nu/0svk
  Replies (29) Good night (4749) Bad night (1709)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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  (864): no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job. http://tfl.nu/97jt
  Replies (18) Good night (7904) Bad night (1709) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
  Replies (80) Good night (44156) Bad night (1704) Order T-Shirt
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
  Replies (94) Good night (20303) Bad night (1697)
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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  (720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket http://tfl.nu/nqxt
  Replies (76) Good night (38321) Bad night (1650) Order T-Shirt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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  (719): He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that" http://tfl.nu/ec8j
  Replies (11) Good night (7838) Bad night (1636)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
  Replies (118) Good night (39620) Bad night (1607) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

  (979): View more from Texas

  I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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  (281): I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me. (979): I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys. http://tfl.nu/btxr
  Replies (23) Good night (5351) Bad night (1598)
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
  Replies (28) Good night (10933) Bad night (1530)
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
  Replies (21) Good night (7135) Bad night (1524) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

  (850): View more from Florida

  They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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  (850): I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok (850): They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good http://tfl.nu/qtm7
  Replies (10) Good night (6201) Bad night (1481)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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  (917): And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating. http://tfl.nu/qged
  Replies (19) Good night (5581) Bad night (1473) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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  (413): How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets http://tfl.nu/sjge
  Replies (17) Good night (4803) Bad night (1446) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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  (310): While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating. http://tfl.nu/umg8
  Replies (34) Good night (17061) Bad night (1407) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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  (847): Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator. http://tfl.nu/lq0c
  Replies (31) Good night (8725) Bad night (1392)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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  (573): Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you http://tfl.nu/8e5m
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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  (512): Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky. http://tfl.nu/on0b
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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  (919): we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni. http://tfl.nu/1ccz
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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  (202): the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar http://tfl.nu/f2lj
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  (530): View more from California

  Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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  (530): Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe. http://tfl.nu/c8em
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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  (484): I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting. http://tfl.nu/ejol
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

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  (803): she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often http://tfl.nu/h6kk
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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  (832): Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool. http://tfl.nu/d5dr
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  (845): View more from New York

  Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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  (845): Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere. http://tfl.nu/7gle
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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  (919): My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet. http://tfl.nu/ix9e
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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  (267): she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon. http://tfl.nu/y6s2
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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  (918): when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace. http://tfl.nu/irh2
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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  (773): halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids http://tfl.nu/g564
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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  (214): Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us? http://tfl.nu/e7z7
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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  (270): The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips... http://tfl.nu/unl6
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this is a time for prayers...seriously

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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  (973): this is a time for prayers...seriously (1-973): let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen. http://tfl.nu/ovsa
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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  (240): I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you. http://tfl.nu/xn7n
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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  (207): Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina. http://tfl.nu/f26o
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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  (402): When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore. http://tfl.nu/jbik
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  (607): View more from New York

  We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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  (607): We can grow old together and our livers can fail together http://tfl.nu/ku07
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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  (703): Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks' http://tfl.nu/njwf
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

  (1-606): View more from Kentucky

  Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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  (606): I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me. (1-606): Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons. http://tfl.nu/drp9
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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  (404): My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck. http://tfl.nu/0ivr
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  (607): View more from New York

  Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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  (607): Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high http://tfl.nu/24mk
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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  (601): Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her? http://tfl.nu/n019
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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  (204): Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments http://tfl.nu/8aia
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  (956): View more from Texas

  Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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  (956): Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..." http://tfl.nu/geex
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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  (620): She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever http://tfl.nu/3n5f
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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  (402): On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms. http://tfl.nu/59ye
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Someone just got laid.

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  (480): Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness? (774): Someone just got laid. http://tfl.nu/ub8q
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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  (917): Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something http://tfl.nu/o4s2
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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  (203): Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more. http://tfl.nu/bcah
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  (516): View more from New York

  Found your pants in the mailbox

  (646): View more from New York

  What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

  (516): View more from New York

  I don't know but there's postage on them

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  (516): Found your pants in the mailbox (646): What were my pants doing in the mailbox? (516): I don't know but there's postage on them http://tfl.nu/6yt8
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  like it was yesterday

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  (240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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  (337): Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning. http://tfl.nu/g9g5
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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  (404): What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs. http://tfl.nu/w7nv
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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  (205): Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable. http://tfl.nu/h65h
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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  (773): You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker. http://tfl.nu/r3lm
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.

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  (608): He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake. http://tfl.nu/cs4d
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  (707): View more from California

  You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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  (707): You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant. http://tfl.nu/2b7s
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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  (206): I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea. http://tfl.nu/v4ue
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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  (504): Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie http://tfl.nu/6e1s
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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  (812): Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well http://tfl.nu/2njp
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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  (240): last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours http://tfl.nu/1nv0
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  (917): View more from New York City

  They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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  (917): They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party. http://tfl.nu/9044
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (386): View more from Florida

  It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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  (386): It's like God was speaking to me through a penis. http://tfl.nu/n7ui
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  (+47): View more from Norway

  i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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  (+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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  (503): Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general. http://tfl.nu/8yi1
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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  (740): she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse http://tfl.nu/30t8
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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  (843): She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that. http://tfl.nu/vu87
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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  (361): Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one? http://tfl.nu/k16y
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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  (613): Will you be topless? That will affect my answer. http://tfl.nu/lf7u
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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  (484): I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation" http://tfl.nu/sb0g
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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  (360): Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?" http://tfl.nu/c0v9
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  (214): View more from Texas

  You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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  (214): You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight. http://tfl.nu/qr87
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  (951): View more from California

  All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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  (951): All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants. http://tfl.nu/xx9d
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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  (202): he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love http://tfl.nu/m0fg
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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  (602): I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again. http://tfl.nu/a40p
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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  (603): i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't. http://tfl.nu/rtpf
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  (239): View more from Florida

  all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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  (239): all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut http://tfl.nu/x9ek
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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  (434): i said good morning to each one of his abs personally http://tfl.nu/1e7y
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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  (309): I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors. http://tfl.nu/cath
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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  (608): May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in. http://tfl.nu/2att
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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  (440): As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season. http://tfl.nu/uyun
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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  (334): How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing. http://tfl.nu/ut8a
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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  (620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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  (419): This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream? http://tfl.nu/farl
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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  (804): he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms http://tfl.nu/3xwg
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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  (219): By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone http://tfl.nu/czmq
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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  (917): I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home. http://tfl.nu/9xms
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  (631): View more from New York

  do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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  (631): do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis? http://tfl.nu/tizi
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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  (954): Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka. http://tfl.nu/l16y
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  (+54): View more from

  look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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  (+54): look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels. http://tfl.nu/ux1z
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

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  (920): We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us http://tfl.nu/fe65
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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  (202): At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us. http://tfl.nu/d8nu
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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  (305): I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave. http://tfl.nu/m7xq
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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  (269): its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot" http://tfl.nu/fb26
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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  (515): the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point http://tfl.nu/syrq
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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  (616): Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately? http://tfl.nu/0g6n
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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  (702): She's never allowed to turn 21 again http://tfl.nu/eyqp
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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  (425): Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older. http://tfl.nu/u48g
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

  (1-616): View more from Michigan

  Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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  (616): He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science. (1-616): Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world! http://tfl.nu/0fvx
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

  (281): View more from Texas

  What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

  (660): View more from Missouri

  Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

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  (660): Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart (281): What theme did he decide on for the bathroom? (660): Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni http://tfl.nu/hovp
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  (310): View more from California

  I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..

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  (310): I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas.. http://tfl.nu/m0nn
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...

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  (615): But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume... http://tfl.nu/x6iy
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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  (970): Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus http://tfl.nu/rl2v
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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  (216): 6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever. http://tfl.nu/zd97
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