Texts From Last Night

hiddenmasochism1's Favorites Texts:

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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
  Replies (508) Good night (86080) Bad night (8379)
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
  Replies (491) Good night (133091) Bad night (5770)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51696) Bad night (5691)
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  (442): View more from California

  While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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  (442): While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage. http://tfl.nu/yi73
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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  (703): Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more http://tfl.nu/zuqw
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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  (847): so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration". http://tfl.nu/m5rh
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
  Replies (235) Good night (64845) Bad night (2524)
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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  (856): i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is. http://tfl.nu/k9ab
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...

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  (717): He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again... http://tfl.nu/wz8h
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
  Replies (184) Good night (51578) Bad night (2263)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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  (717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands http://tfl.nu/c6ww
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  (516): View more from New York

  im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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  (516): im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test http://tfl.nu/0qhc
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (917): View more from New York City

  She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.

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  (917): She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs. http://tfl.nu/167e
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.

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  (614): Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified. http://tfl.nu/iywq
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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  (604): She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking. http://tfl.nu/ilmx
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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  (484): Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud. http://tfl.nu/xhdj
  Replies (50) Good night (47530) Bad night (1243)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....

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  (732): say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today.... http://tfl.nu/1sxc
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  (805): View more from California

  I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.

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  (805): I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it. http://tfl.nu/eeuf
  Replies (4) Good night (683) Bad night (1205)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals

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  (651): Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals http://tfl.nu/rxm6
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.

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  (985): He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period. http://tfl.nu/gmxu
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  She fuckin peed on me

  (817): View more from Texas

  Stay golden ponyboy

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  (757): She fuckin peed on me (817): Stay golden ponyboy http://tfl.nu/vooq
  Replies (16) Good night (4657) Bad night (968)
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

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  (228): He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good" http://tfl.nu/hwu1
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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  (541): I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work. http://tfl.nu/fnwr
  Replies (4) Good night (1515) Bad night (913)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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  (859): in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick" http://tfl.nu/v34k
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  Apparently you can coat check a keg.

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  (240): Apparently you can coat check a keg. http://tfl.nu/sdmi
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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  (814): Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke? http://tfl.nu/jbqp
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.

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  (778): You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you. http://tfl.nu/kryn
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.

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  (603): Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No. http://tfl.nu/243w
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  (805): View more from California

  You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?

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  (805): You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina? http://tfl.nu/lipw
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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  (662): Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse. http://tfl.nu/b0l0
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  So basically you were a dog.

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  (860): This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground. (802): So basically you were a dog. http://tfl.nu/0n1s
  Replies (14) Good night (8039) Bad night (756)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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  (613): just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee http://tfl.nu/8pkh
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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  (505): Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening. http://tfl.nu/2dkx
  Replies (24) Good night (3414) Bad night (741)
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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  (806): Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep http://tfl.nu/b11i
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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  (204): New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us. http://tfl.nu/chty
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.

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  (305): Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement. http://tfl.nu/gpxv
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"

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  (617): hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?" http://tfl.nu/pq50
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
  Replies (21) Good night (4520) Bad night (689)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6255) Bad night (648)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.

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  (807): If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend. http://tfl.nu/60cd
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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  (774): I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit. http://tfl.nu/t89l
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

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  (515): He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend. http://tfl.nu/m6dn
  Replies (10) Good night (2794) Bad night (636)
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  (310): View more from California

  I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis

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  (310): I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis http://tfl.nu/97wg
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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  (+61): I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today http://tfl.nu/nnzy
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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  (248): Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'. http://tfl.nu/4pwa
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.

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  (705): She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow. http://tfl.nu/x1mn
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.

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  (954): I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people. http://tfl.nu/j7bv
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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  (724): I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw! http://tfl.nu/e9vz
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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  (508): I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT http://tfl.nu/r8ka
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.

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  (734): I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door. http://tfl.nu/gl6z
  Replies (7) Good night (2587) Bad night (593)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.

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  (+44): I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles. http://tfl.nu/lwcx
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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  (810): You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored. http://tfl.nu/wqg4
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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  (803): I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it. http://tfl.nu/1xwb
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.

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  (641): Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings. http://tfl.nu/iq9m
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg

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  (217): Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg http://tfl.nu/vp09
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  yeah you don't forget that shit easily

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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  (651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket

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  (618): We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket http://tfl.nu/a9al
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"

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  (419): You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?" http://tfl.nu/acel
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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  (509): Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape. http://tfl.nu/qdov
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..

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  (608): On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me.. http://tfl.nu/zeud
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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  (262): Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head. http://tfl.nu/w9hs
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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  (859): You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy http://tfl.nu/yf7q
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

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  (785): They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon. http://tfl.nu/wb9r
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.

  (812): View more from Indiana

  Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.

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  (812): Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do. (812): Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this. http://tfl.nu/m912
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  (310): View more from California

  You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.

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  (310): You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders. http://tfl.nu/xfao
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  (925): View more from California

  We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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  (925): We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely. http://tfl.nu/80gj
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.

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  (651): Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man. http://tfl.nu/8z1d
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.

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  (832): Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail. http://tfl.nu/wcht
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.

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  (719): Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible. http://tfl.nu/tds6
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

  (1-609): View more from New Jersey

  Why?

  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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  (609): My professor just gave us a margarita recipe. (1-609): Why? (609): Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life." http://tfl.nu/ong0
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