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She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
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