Texts From Last Night

Thatzwhatshesaid's Favorites Texts:

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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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  (704): Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox. http://tfl.nu/wyx0
  Replies (18) Good night (1201) Bad night (3484) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

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  (419): The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child. http://tfl.nu/ltf5
  Replies (17) Good night (694) Bad night (2262)
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.

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  (902): Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him. http://tfl.nu/rtyn
  Replies (12) Good night (609) Bad night (1806)
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid

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  (231): if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid http://tfl.nu/52hr
  Replies (3) Good night (488) Bad night (1745) Order T-Shirt
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.

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  (540): Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too. http://tfl.nu/nqk1
  Replies (8) Good night (486) Bad night (1600) Order T-Shirt
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?

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  (787): I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now? http://tfl.nu/uqqo
  Replies (8) Good night (595) Bad night (1330) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.

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  (541): I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed. http://tfl.nu/aml6
  Replies (14) Good night (558) Bad night (1302) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."

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  (503): I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes." http://tfl.nu/i7yc
  Replies (8) Good night (553) Bad night (1296) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.

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  (613): Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again. http://tfl.nu/4a7s
  Replies (7) Good night (269) Bad night (1208) Order T-Shirt
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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  (418): I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC http://tfl.nu/grmc
  Replies (12) Good night (673) Bad night (1174) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.

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  (609): He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state. http://tfl.nu/7xin
  Replies (24) Good night (304) Bad night (1063) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...

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  (630): I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night... http://tfl.nu/aiyg
  Replies (9) Good night (371) Bad night (853) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.

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  (+44): my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/xnmz
  Replies (6) Good night (1794) Bad night (831) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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  (619): I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit http://tfl.nu/iywm
  Replies (8) Good night (2626) Bad night (796) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.

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  (412): The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked. http://tfl.nu/s0us
  Replies (10) Good night (461) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.

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  (570): Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me. http://tfl.nu/6mb8
  Replies (8) Good night (626) Bad night (677) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.

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  (717): i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me. http://tfl.nu/i878
  Replies (7) Good night (1165) Bad night (620) Order T-Shirt
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

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  (928): I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready. http://tfl.nu/c6az
  Replies (19) Good night (2128) Bad night (606) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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  (415): She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision. http://tfl.nu/yqhh
  Replies (19) Good night (4972) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (561): View more from Florida

  The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.

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  (561): The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED. http://tfl.nu/purq
  Replies (4) Good night (1035) Bad night (582) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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  (316): Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired. http://tfl.nu/ogws
  Replies (24) Good night (2722) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
  Replies (21) Good night (4579) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
  Replies (25) Good night (3296) Bad night (563)
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  (904): View more from Florida

  I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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  (904): I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded http://tfl.nu/240k
  Replies (9) Good night (5204) Bad night (560) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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  (814): I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green. http://tfl.nu/s063
  Replies (35) Good night (2922) Bad night (552) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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  (601): He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT. http://tfl.nu/hra9
  Replies (23) Good night (2734) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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  (978): Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab. (617): What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family! http://tfl.nu/wlta
  Replies (16) Good night (3693) Bad night (534)
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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  (973): "can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time http://tfl.nu/xrvp
  Replies (12) Good night (2617) Bad night (523) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.

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  (303): So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay. http://tfl.nu/vqqs
  Replies (8) Good night (1635) Bad night (519)
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.

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  (519): She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot. http://tfl.nu/3yos
  Replies (18) Good night (1724) Bad night (510) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball

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  (724): Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball http://tfl.nu/n4gl
  Replies (5) Good night (783) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

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  (207): Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm. http://tfl.nu/a20h
  Replies (9) Good night (1601) Bad night (496) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention

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  (413): when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention http://tfl.nu/m2zs
  Replies (4) Good night (1677) Bad night (493) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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  (845): You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey http://tfl.nu/3j62
  Replies (5) Good night (1245) Bad night (491) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just really need a hug and a shower beer

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  (512): I just really need a hug and a shower beer http://tfl.nu/4ssr
  Replies (5) Good night (745) Bad night (483) Order T-Shirt
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.

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  (865): If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan. http://tfl.nu/8pg6
  Replies (4) Good night (853) Bad night (472) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  Maybe I'm a robot.

  (831): View more from California

  You can't be that drunk already

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  (530): Maybe I'm a robot. (831): You can't be that drunk already http://tfl.nu/ekm7
  Replies (8) Good night (1984) Bad night (472)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.

  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She seemed pretty into it.

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  (304): I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl. (440): Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that. (304): She seemed pretty into it. http://tfl.nu/8b1w
  Replies (2) Good night (1056) Bad night (461)
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?

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  (719): If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies? http://tfl.nu/dbdn
  Replies (9) Good night (1737) Bad night (461) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT

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  (404): Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT http://tfl.nu/tfsq
  Replies (4) Good night (783) Bad night (455) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life

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  (204): I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life http://tfl.nu/rqe5
  Replies (7) Good night (952) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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  (317): Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing. http://tfl.nu/j9h2
  Replies (16) Good night (1652) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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  (847): Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating. http://tfl.nu/al19
  Replies (10) Good night (2064) Bad night (440) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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  (518): I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them. http://tfl.nu/sunc
  Replies (5) Good night (2341) Bad night (436) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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  (330): This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs. http://tfl.nu/3hwl
  Replies (5) Good night (1825) Bad night (429) Order T-Shirt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

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  (205): I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south http://tfl.nu/kpax
  Replies (7) Good night (1460) Bad night (426) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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  (+44): He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day? http://tfl.nu/3a44
  Replies (14) Good night (3343) Bad night (424) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.

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  (760): I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard. http://tfl.nu/86r6
  Replies (19) Good night (1319) Bad night (414) Order T-Shirt
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup

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  (715): Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup http://tfl.nu/az6p
  Replies (3) Good night (1181) Bad night (411) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Why Weren't you wearing pants?

  (647): View more from Ontario

  because pants are for people with no imagination

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  (416): Why Weren't you wearing pants? (647): because pants are for people with no imagination http://tfl.nu/baiz
  Replies (6) Good night (2214) Bad night (409)
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"

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  (336): I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body" http://tfl.nu/dnkv
  Replies (8) Good night (1815) Bad night (407) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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  (805): I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore http://tfl.nu/eg5i
  Replies (3) Good night (986) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.

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  (509): He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/dvob
  Replies (6) Good night (1026) Bad night (404) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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  (401): Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen? http://tfl.nu/0v6w
  Replies (5) Good night (2284) Bad night (401) Order T-Shirt
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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  (940): Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things. http://tfl.nu/0rsv
  Replies (10) Good night (1821) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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  (518): Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins http://tfl.nu/i33q
  Replies (7) Good night (2580) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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  (609): You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?" http://tfl.nu/1kzs
  Replies (9) Good night (2395) Bad night (395)
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.

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  (778): Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here. http://tfl.nu/7as8
  Replies (6) Good night (1265) Bad night (395) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.

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  (651): If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place. http://tfl.nu/osp0
  Replies (13) Good night (647) Bad night (389) Order T-Shirt
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  (831): View more from California

  I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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  (831): I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT. http://tfl.nu/8xfg
  Replies (8) Good night (2001) Bad night (386) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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  (908): I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember? (610): Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead? http://tfl.nu/yv69
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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  (219): Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel. http://tfl.nu/qebb
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night

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  (401): I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night http://tfl.nu/cz9o
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?

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  (731): She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club? http://tfl.nu/0go2
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.

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  (620): He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me. http://tfl.nu/rk0r
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~

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  (724): GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~ http://tfl.nu/ka83
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.

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  (318): I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case. http://tfl.nu/3tdp
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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  (318): Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult. http://tfl.nu/kp39
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.

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  (814): I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work. (1-814): Either he has bad timing or he wants to join. http://tfl.nu/sgyz
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

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  (613): I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated. http://tfl.nu/yhxc
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster

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  (870): I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster http://tfl.nu/2cv6
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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  (303): His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it http://tfl.nu/k4oj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.

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  (303): Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face. http://tfl.nu/mcx6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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  (206): If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral. http://tfl.nu/sboa
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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  (480): He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance http://tfl.nu/vksf
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

  (1-413): View more from Massachusetts

  I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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  (413): Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker" (1-413): I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family http://tfl.nu/b85j
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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  (540): I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey? http://tfl.nu/z446
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...

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  (802): Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not... http://tfl.nu/ztpl
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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  (859): Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed" http://tfl.nu/i5mp
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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  (337): Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours http://tfl.nu/650i
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

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  (314): He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl (201): I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl http://tfl.nu/d4hf
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Twice...

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  (404): Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it? (717): Twice... http://tfl.nu/e2vh
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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  (502): I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true. http://tfl.nu/qsda
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety

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  (401): I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety http://tfl.nu/pik8
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.

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  (314): I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move. http://tfl.nu/5xj0
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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  (604): I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together http://tfl.nu/pe8s
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...

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  (250): We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID... http://tfl.nu/i2zd
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  (315): View more from New York

  We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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  (315): We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked. http://tfl.nu/mwis
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud

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  (216): Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud http://tfl.nu/kyzh
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  (813): View more from Florida

  Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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  (813): Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick. http://tfl.nu/1ytv
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.

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  (732): Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking. http://tfl.nu/mu8a
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.

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  (850): I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin. http://tfl.nu/6a77
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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  (561): I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point http://tfl.nu/m5fj
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