Texts From Last Night

Liz90210's Favorites Texts:

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  (310): View more from California

  Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.

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  (310): Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever. http://tfl.nu/fsai
  Replies (16) Good night (1008) Bad night (16242) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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  (630): he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex. http://tfl.nu/2ce1
  Replies (24) Good night (1855) Bad night (9570) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Thanks, mom.

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  (202): You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway. (1-202): Thanks, mom. http://tfl.nu/107n
  Replies (25) Good night (1715) Bad night (4312)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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  (513): god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is" http://tfl.nu/c0jq
  Replies (36) Good night (1147) Bad night (4116) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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  (804): god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away. http://tfl.nu/mycs
  Replies (12) Good night (1013) Bad night (3968) Order T-Shirt
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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  (224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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  (616): what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame? http://tfl.nu/ixm6
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....

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  (252): it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby.... http://tfl.nu/2jxq
  Replies (16) Good night (2619) Bad night (3701) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.

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  (714): i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/3dga
  Replies (12) Good night (470) Bad night (3479) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since

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  (847): he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since http://tfl.nu/tbwd
  Replies (13) Good night (969) Bad night (3442) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.

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  (631): I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York. http://tfl.nu/aty3
  Replies (22) Good night (957) Bad night (3425) Order T-Shirt
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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  (862): Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me. http://tfl.nu/hfa7
  Replies (40) Good night (2031) Bad night (2946)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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  (508): you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken http://tfl.nu/rlnm
  Replies (28) Good night (697) Bad night (2823) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  that's gum

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  (630): is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years? (815): that's gum http://tfl.nu/8le7
  Replies (42) Good night (2813) Bad night (2700)
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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  (604): I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks. http://tfl.nu/kxma
  Replies (34) Good night (2126) Bad night (2506)
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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  (608): Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage. http://tfl.nu/zk4v
  Replies (9) Good night (955) Bad night (2438) Order T-Shirt
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
  Replies (131) Good night (31773) Bad night (2252) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
  Replies (130) Good night (20271) Bad night (2107) Order T-Shirt
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  (713): View more from Texas

  i cant believe jose lima did steroids

  (281): View more from Texas

  apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball

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  (713): i cant believe jose lima did steroids (281): apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball http://tfl.nu/yhdf
  Replies (13) Good night (1611) Bad night (2104)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture

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  (484): Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture http://tfl.nu/aclr
  Replies (23) Good night (507) Bad night (2029) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
  Replies (109) Good night (43944) Bad night (1997)
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  (310): View more from California

  Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.

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  (310): Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask. http://tfl.nu/1jf3
  Replies (8) Good night (679) Bad night (1954) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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  (727): I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there? http://tfl.nu/2pix
  Replies (104) Good night (38291) Bad night (1724)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
  Replies (123) Good night (46600) Bad night (1694)
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  (310): View more from California

  I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him

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  (310): I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him http://tfl.nu/a0ny
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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  (301): Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get http://tfl.nu/ews4
  Replies (64) Good night (4923) Bad night (1439) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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  (859): Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out. http://tfl.nu/0ttb
  Replies (23) Good night (6008) Bad night (1436) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Define "chronic" masturbator.

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  (301): Define "chronic" masturbator. http://tfl.nu/qw3m
  Replies (14) Good night (1294) Bad night (1414) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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  (630): I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends. (1-630): if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs... http://tfl.nu/id4n
  Replies (51) Good night (10438) Bad night (1402)
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

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  (706): I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant. http://tfl.nu/0cvw
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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  (404): Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while. http://tfl.nu/n1x9
  Replies (24) Good night (5243) Bad night (1267) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

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  (917): Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night? http://tfl.nu/29mg
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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  (508): Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying. http://tfl.nu/h4eg
  Replies (7) Good night (5671) Bad night (1201)
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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  (815): Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself. http://tfl.nu/xo78
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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  (519): Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit. (416): Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?! http://tfl.nu/iavy
  Replies (39) Good night (10184) Bad night (1057)
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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  (210): Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!" http://tfl.nu/xp9i
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

  (1-706): View more from Georgia

  Where the hell are you

  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's winning.

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  (706): I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon. (1-706): Where the hell are you (706): He's winning. http://tfl.nu/bx2u
  Replies (23) Good night (5526) Bad night (967)
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

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  (609): He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL. http://tfl.nu/l6ak
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog

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  (907): Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog http://tfl.nu/oh2n
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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  (970): Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute. http://tfl.nu/y17n
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing

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  (810): There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing http://tfl.nu/i1k5
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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  (810): It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team. http://tfl.nu/1zge
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  (310): View more from California

  My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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  (310): My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute. http://tfl.nu/0bii
  Replies (6) Good night (2689) Bad night (895)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.

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  (702): jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working. http://tfl.nu/9tde
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."

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  (802): I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic." http://tfl.nu/uvkh
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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  (+61): I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude. http://tfl.nu/5t8b
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  (949): View more from California

  the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters

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  (949): the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters http://tfl.nu/l7fh
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  (954): View more from Florida

  it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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  (954): it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic. http://tfl.nu/y5mn
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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  (917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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  (210): Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat? http://tfl.nu/57e1
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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  (519): Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me. http://tfl.nu/7rdg
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  (315): View more from New York

  He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.

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  (315): He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits. http://tfl.nu/w5h8
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.

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  (859): I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum. http://tfl.nu/asaw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy

  (360): View more from Washington

  man i love america

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  (360): so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy (360): man i love america http://tfl.nu/mq4b
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  (407): View more from Florida

  You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

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  (407): You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear. http://tfl.nu/lhty
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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  (919): DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages. http://tfl.nu/6cym
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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  (773): I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind http://tfl.nu/hlcm
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.

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  (802): He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR. http://tfl.nu/1otj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  My friends, they love my intelligence

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  (303): My friends, they love my intelligence http://tfl.nu/tu5a
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.

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  (505): No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey. http://tfl.nu/fq2r
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  (805): View more from California

  peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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  (805): peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees. http://tfl.nu/j4sn
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  (650): View more from California

  I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.

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  (650): I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs. http://tfl.nu/bo8w
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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  (301): i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c http://tfl.nu/a3ua
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom

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  (586): Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom http://tfl.nu/p7m9
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday

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  (570): Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday http://tfl.nu/tnzp
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