Texts From Last Night

yumyum05's Favorites Texts:

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  (905): View more from Ontario

  they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"

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  (905): they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about" http://tfl.nu/sw9a
  Replies (5) Good night (231) Bad night (72) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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  (612): I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms. http://tfl.nu/079r
  Replies (23) Good night (1645) Bad night (167) Order T-Shirt
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

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  (701): Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days. http://tfl.nu/swcj
  Replies (2) Good night (915) Bad night (123) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?

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  (310): My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here? http://tfl.nu/bu6m
  Replies (5) Good night (1308) Bad night (144) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Bad breakup?

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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  (410): Bad breakup? (1-410): He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB. http://tfl.nu/4dsn
  Replies (52) Good night (695) Bad night (4383)
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  He was the one that got away. From my vagina.

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  (647): He was the one that got away. From my vagina. http://tfl.nu/504c
  Replies (8) Good night (1028) Bad night (220) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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  (774): I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it. http://tfl.nu/ttfm
  Replies (22) Good night (3145) Bad night (397) Order T-Shirt
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  (607): View more from New York

  Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!

  (315): View more from New York

  I get naked cuz your not there

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  (607): Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?! (315): I get naked cuz your not there http://tfl.nu/p9qb
  Replies (12) Good night (1928) Bad night (254)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I'm pregnant.

  (1-407): View more from Florida

  The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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  (407): I'm pregnant. (1-407): The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number??? http://tfl.nu/ivb7
  Replies (15) Good night (992) Bad night (1549) Order T-Shirt
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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  (910): Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator? (770): Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life. http://tfl.nu/b6oq
  Replies (6) Good night (1409) Bad night (149)
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  (831): View more from California

  Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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  (831): Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance http://tfl.nu/d5xa
  Replies (14) Good night (2124) Bad night (171)
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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  (484): there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now. http://tfl.nu/o3be
  Replies (12) Good night (397) Bad night (1157)
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  (716): View more from New York

  Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

  (585): View more from New York

  Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

  (716): View more from New York

  .......

  (585): View more from New York

  I'm just looking out for you.

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  (716): Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday? (585): Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change. (716): ....... (585): I'm just looking out for you. http://tfl.nu/cj8v
  Replies (15) Good night (1751) Bad night (263)
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  (478): View more from Georgia

  Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!

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  (478): Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink! http://tfl.nu/6ksq
  Replies (10) Good night (638) Bad night (518) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts

  (805): View more from California

  YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

  (1-805): View more from California

  budget cuts are serious business

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  (805): WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH (1-805): budget cuts (805): YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS (1-805): budget cuts are serious business http://tfl.nu/xrnj
  Replies (14) Good night (2863) Bad night (390)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw

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  (334): I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw http://tfl.nu/eazo
  Replies (7) Good night (913) Bad night (160) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.

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  (212): The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you. http://tfl.nu/c03k
  Replies (9) Good night (1775) Bad night (522) Order T-Shirt
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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  (410): I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole http://tfl.nu/hdrj
  Replies (6) Good night (1617) Bad night (342)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...

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  (407): Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background... http://tfl.nu/gjfo
  Replies (6) Good night (416) Bad night (1363) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.

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  (850): I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend. http://tfl.nu/659e
  Replies (11) Good night (1853) Bad night (135) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

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  (706): after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius" (404): I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off. http://tfl.nu/115h
  Replies (3) Good night (1856) Bad night (188)
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  (310): View more from California

  It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

  (415): View more from California

  That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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  (310): It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter. (415): That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere. http://tfl.nu/8y5r
  Replies (11) Good night (1375) Bad night (173)
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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  (910): It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed! http://tfl.nu/bbxy
  Replies (10) Good night (1497) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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  (404): Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me. http://tfl.nu/r7qw
  Replies (10) Good night (1649) Bad night (230)
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  (619): View more from California

  Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it

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  (619): Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it http://tfl.nu/st9u
  Replies (5) Good night (788) Bad night (253) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?

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  (757): SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get? http://tfl.nu/a9m1
  Replies (12) Good night (820) Bad night (865)
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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  (715): your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage (608): HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES http://tfl.nu/buhh
  Replies (5) Good night (1975) Bad night (195)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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  (314): Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do" http://tfl.nu/rrgq
  Replies (11) Good night (1939) Bad night (643)
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take

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  (208): Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take http://tfl.nu/kx00
  Replies (2) Good night (568) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (626): View more from California

  So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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  (626): So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential. http://tfl.nu/3n2i
  Replies (5) Good night (2108) Bad night (228)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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  (919): It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion. http://tfl.nu/luwj
  Replies (9) Good night (2121) Bad night (190) Order T-Shirt
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  (226): View more from Ontario

  This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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  (226): This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible. http://tfl.nu/a5mz
  Replies (6) Good night (2264) Bad night (197) Order T-Shirt
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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  (850): Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made. http://tfl.nu/7051
  Replies (5) Good night (1409) Bad night (234)
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  (714): View more from California

  It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.

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  (714): It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs. http://tfl.nu/jalq
  Replies (11) Good night (199) Bad night (1563) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.

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  (920): I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon. http://tfl.nu/kbkd
  Replies (8) Good night (846) Bad night (416) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.

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  (514): Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance. http://tfl.nu/bud1
  Replies (4) Good night (908) Bad night (203) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB

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  (+44): you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB http://tfl.nu/timz
  Replies (4) Good night (1497) Bad night (497) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

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  (270): It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.." http://tfl.nu/em6p
  Replies (5) Good night (3924) Bad night (195) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.

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  (403): Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate. http://tfl.nu/jnzf
  Replies (10) Good night (2134) Bad night (384)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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  (407): Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people. http://tfl.nu/19v1
  Replies (12) Good night (1435) Bad night (434) Order T-Shirt
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  (587): View more from Alberta

  Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?

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  (587): Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant? http://tfl.nu/fsev
  Replies (9) Good night (953) Bad night (1230) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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  (210): I want to break his glasses with my pelvis. http://tfl.nu/5x22
  Replies (10) Good night (1580) Bad night (245) Order T-Shirt
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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  (419): Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming http://tfl.nu/qxd7
  Replies (6) Good night (638) Bad night (923) Order T-Shirt
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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  (978): Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right?????? http://tfl.nu/gecs
  Replies (12) Good night (650) Bad night (1369) Order T-Shirt
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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  (843): I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today http://tfl.nu/bbq7
  Replies (12) Good night (2428) Bad night (196) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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  (714): She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what? http://tfl.nu/cv8q
  Replies (49) Good night (812) Bad night (4508) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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  (254): He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy. http://tfl.nu/6702
  Replies (11) Good night (374) Bad night (1734) Order T-Shirt
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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  (337): I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up. http://tfl.nu/g5uf
  Replies (24) Good night (594) Bad night (2070) Order T-Shirt
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  (525): View more from

  It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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  (525): It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am? http://tfl.nu/0yre
  Replies (14) Good night (3087) Bad night (369) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

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  (260): I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is. http://tfl.nu/8her
  Replies (16) Good night (1079) Bad night (536) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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  (604): Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now! http://tfl.nu/v05a
  Replies (7) Good night (1144) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  Make me a sandwich

  (301): View more from Maryland

  The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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  (845): Make me a sandwich (301): The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich. http://tfl.nu/al2a
  Replies (26) Good night (5281) Bad night (279)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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  (505): Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard. http://tfl.nu/5mz2
  Replies (17) Good night (2755) Bad night (208) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

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  (407): Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out. http://tfl.nu/ykxn
  Replies (6) Good night (868) Bad night (702) Order T-Shirt
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  (+41): View more from Switzerland

  How did she break his doorknob?

  (1+41): View more from

  That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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  (+41): How did she break his doorknob? (1+41): That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought. http://tfl.nu/2qqq
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  (714): View more from California

  You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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  (714): You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus. http://tfl.nu/3jtv
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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  (615): I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it. http://tfl.nu/knuw
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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  (803): My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband. http://tfl.nu/w0zf
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
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  (631): View more from New York

  Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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  (631): Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole http://tfl.nu/78ec
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

  (248): View more from Michigan

  ...that shit cray.

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  (734): we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet. (248): ...that shit cray. http://tfl.nu/b6yz
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I regret nothing

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  (702): Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal. (1-702): I regret nothing http://tfl.nu/jdko
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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  (812): I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can. http://tfl.nu/gz33
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

  (301): View more from Maryland

  He didn't think we needed a taxi

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  (814): I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving (301): He didn't think we needed a taxi http://tfl.nu/o7fa
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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  (604): You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches http://tfl.nu/88ib
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

  (972): View more from Texas

  Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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  (817): Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift. (972): Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking. http://tfl.nu/jm0q
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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  (416): Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way http://tfl.nu/xbs0
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.

  (954): View more from Florida

  It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.

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  (305): I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight. (954): It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse. http://tfl.nu/qkdj
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex

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  (808): Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex http://tfl.nu/i4z0
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.

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  (503): We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty. http://tfl.nu/32wc
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.

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  (503): it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers. http://tfl.nu/k78j
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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  (317): I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk http://tfl.nu/c9us
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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  (219): LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS http://tfl.nu/75f7
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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  (916): I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me. http://tfl.nu/xyna
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  (714): View more from California

  he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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  (714): he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now http://tfl.nu/kusn
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  (914): View more from New York

  Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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  (914): Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off http://tfl.nu/fxgn
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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  (206): I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship. http://tfl.nu/s5mh
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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  (918): I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever. http://tfl.nu/j10b
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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  (802): Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents http://tfl.nu/oucv
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  (607): View more from New York

  Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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  (607): Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates? http://tfl.nu/4l3k
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

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  (618): Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!! http://tfl.nu/jiww
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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  (203): Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar. http://tfl.nu/i0ni
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

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  (316): At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/842p
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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  (225): Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. http://tfl.nu/n4ph
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

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  (719): Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I? http://tfl.nu/9iuq
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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  (251): Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now. http://tfl.nu/uhhh
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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  (864): I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out. http://tfl.nu/hn3q
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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  (617): Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home. http://tfl.nu/hrqw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

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  (360): I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist http://tfl.nu/4ea1
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  (916): View more from California

  I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

  (1-916): View more from California

  Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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  (916): I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat. (1-916): Can we laminate it? Just to be safe. http://tfl.nu/1wiq
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  (509): View more from Washington

  He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

  (425): View more from Washington

  Is that even possible?

  (509): View more from Washington

  I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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  (509): He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me. (425): Is that even possible? (509): I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/y48j
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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  (910): I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand. http://tfl.nu/jlfn
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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  (330): Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand.. http://tfl.nu/4ww2
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  (455): View more from

  As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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  (455): As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time." http://tfl.nu/cmn4
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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  (757): Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :( http://tfl.nu/ztju
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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  (440): Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions. (440): The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America. http://tfl.nu/cnoq
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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  (832): Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome. http://tfl.nu/ycrs
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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  (814): The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave? http://tfl.nu/sauc
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  (941): View more from Florida

  You know i'm the father figure

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad

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  (941): You know i'm the father figure (1-941): Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad http://tfl.nu/6iwj
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  (813): View more from Florida

  The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

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  (813): The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job. http://tfl.nu/jr9a
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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  (616): At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head http://tfl.nu/if7o
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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  (479): The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now. http://tfl.nu/1qaa
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Ugh he's texting me.

  (1-204): View more from Manitoba

  Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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  (204): Ugh he's texting me. (1-204): Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess. http://tfl.nu/6r54
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

  (1-512): View more from Texas

  Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

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  (512): Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??" (1-512): Yeah no more flaming everclear shots. http://tfl.nu/vc2f
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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  (203): Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend. http://tfl.nu/ouub
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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  (248): Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students. http://tfl.nu/08kn
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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  (201): We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two. http://tfl.nu/ib5v
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  (425): View more from Washington

  You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

  (206): View more from Washington

  The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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  (425): You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy. (206): The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!! http://tfl.nu/5bns
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

  (1-812): View more from Indiana

  ...the American dream.

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  (812): Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit. (1-812): ...the American dream. http://tfl.nu/qt7c
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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  (773): I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal. (708): Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks. http://tfl.nu/2r2v
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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  (218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate. http://tfl.nu/a3k9
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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  (860): I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off. http://tfl.nu/qi2a
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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  (908): No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability. http://tfl.nu/nqzp
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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  (732): Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt http://tfl.nu/9gi1
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

  (323): View more from California

  If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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  (310): My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity." (323): If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing. http://tfl.nu/54s4
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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  (717): Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move. http://tfl.nu/kgo8
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him

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  (217): it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him http://tfl.nu/i59z
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  (281): View more from Texas

  I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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  (281): I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy.. http://tfl.nu/39a9
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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  (484): I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive. http://tfl.nu/gosk
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

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  (318): Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought http://tfl.nu/rg7p
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  (469): View more from Texas

  Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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  (469): Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it... http://tfl.nu/spt6
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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  (641): You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid. http://tfl.nu/bnv7
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

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  (520): I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito" http://tfl.nu/vbc5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

  (443): View more from Maryland

  I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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  (609): YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS (443): I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO. http://tfl.nu/tc5m
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  (206): View more from Washington

  We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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  (206): We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face. http://tfl.nu/gmb1
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  (415): View more from California

  We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

  (916): View more from California

  Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

  (415): View more from California

  HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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  (415): We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002. (916): Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening. (415): HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone. http://tfl.nu/fe9v
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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  (215): the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul. http://tfl.nu/vout
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  (360): View more from Washington

  thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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  (360): thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking http://tfl.nu/sj60
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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  (816): My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles http://tfl.nu/kz93
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  (619): View more from California

  Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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  (619): Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public. http://tfl.nu/k68k
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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  (306): You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises http://tfl.nu/ccm4
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I feel like death gave me a hand job

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  (505): I feel like death gave me a hand job http://tfl.nu/81uy
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

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  (250): God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not. http://tfl.nu/2nya
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

  (1-701): View more from North Dakota

  Jesus, are you hammered?

  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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  (701): Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus. (1-701): Jesus, are you hammered? (701): Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws. http://tfl.nu/johl
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol

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  (503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol http://tfl.nu/9mqs
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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  (912): Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch. http://tfl.nu/z7wv
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  (626): View more from California

  Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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  (626): Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester? http://tfl.nu/lq06
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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  (407): Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time. http://tfl.nu/ap64
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.

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  (410): My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/noz9
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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  (201): My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf. http://tfl.nu/v6hn
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  And your cock privileges have been revoked.

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  (778): Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck? (604): And your cock privileges have been revoked. http://tfl.nu/u4qr
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

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  (314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo! http://tfl.nu/csd8
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?

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  (417): Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off? http://tfl.nu/54ro
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.

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  (505): She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max. http://tfl.nu/42dn
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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  (484): if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate. http://tfl.nu/ujin
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

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  (513): I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote. (513): I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now. http://tfl.nu/2ikr
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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  (330): He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me. http://tfl.nu/bsc2
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.

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  (647): It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud. http://tfl.nu/qzq0
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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  (407): I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom. http://tfl.nu/s7cn
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food

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  (978): i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food http://tfl.nu/q8kr
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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  (201): Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/of56
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?

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  (541): bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me? http://tfl.nu/wm16
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.

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  (417): I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard (1-417): Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming. http://tfl.nu/52u7
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.

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  (301): He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis. http://tfl.nu/pct3
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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  (917): Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up. http://tfl.nu/5qka
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  (305): View more from Florida

  It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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  (305): It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you. http://tfl.nu/cw12
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  (917): View more from New York City

  when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

  (917): View more from New York City

  Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

  (347): View more from New York

  he is a god among men.

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  (917): when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment. (917): Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles. (347): he is a god among men. http://tfl.nu/gmep
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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  (425): Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy? http://tfl.nu/h26n
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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  (304): He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered. http://tfl.nu/u1qq
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  (408): View more from California

  dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out

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  (408): dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out http://tfl.nu/y59w
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  (206): View more from Washington

  What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

  (425): View more from Washington

  Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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  (206): What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again? (425): Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing. http://tfl.nu/l4cd
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex

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  (843): i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex http://tfl.nu/fymj
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  (714): View more from California

  im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

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  (714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats. http://tfl.nu/387j
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  (213): View more from California

  Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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  (213): Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast?? http://tfl.nu/wkuh
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  (979): View more from Texas

  He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.

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  (979): He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon. http://tfl.nu/z7tj
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  (646): View more from New York

  This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie

  (347): View more from New York

  It's not

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  (646): This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie (347): It's not http://tfl.nu/v5wf
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  (348): View more from

  Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

  (1-348): View more from

  You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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  (348): Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place. (1-348): You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion. http://tfl.nu/i2j4
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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  (706): He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom? http://tfl.nu/9suz
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  (941): View more from Florida

  We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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  (941): We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships. http://tfl.nu/x14j
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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  (312): I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp? http://tfl.nu/sqhc
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I will cut you

  (1-423): View more from Tennessee

  Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Put that in perspective

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  (423): I will cut you (1-423): Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me (423): Put that in perspective http://tfl.nu/op5b
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?

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  (402): I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category? http://tfl.nu/je1r
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"

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  (443): I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts" http://tfl.nu/m25q
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How did you even find out?

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Oh.

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  (973): How did you even find out? (1-973): Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom." (973): Oh. http://tfl.nu/227x
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.

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  (270): I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms. http://tfl.nu/29v1
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm

  (1-757): View more from Virginia

  Dick in a box?

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  (757): Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm (1-757): Dick in a box? http://tfl.nu/x7sn
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325

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  (910): Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly. (910): im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325 http://tfl.nu/vc15
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.

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  (863): I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/1riw
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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  (+44): This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats. http://tfl.nu/c5o0
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.

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  (307): I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street. http://tfl.nu/3ofi
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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  (712): I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/bjop
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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  (504): my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt http://tfl.nu/h423
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  (631): View more from New York

  if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

  (516): View more from New York

  .org?

  (631): View more from New York

  yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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  (631): if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org (516): .org? (631): yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night. http://tfl.nu/4hpr
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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  (267): Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her. http://tfl.nu/ywpc
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.

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  (647): I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway. http://tfl.nu/bxvu
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..

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  (503): I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation.. http://tfl.nu/9q0x
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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  (267): my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle http://tfl.nu/n0zg
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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  (614): not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin... http://tfl.nu/5fas
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just Tebowed the shit out of her.

  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.

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  (414): I just Tebowed the shit out of her. (336): Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb. http://tfl.nu/wxei
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  how bad is she

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  captain morgan with tits

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  (484): how bad is she (215): captain morgan with tits http://tfl.nu/5qnj
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  (806): View more from Texas

  Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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  (806): Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain. http://tfl.nu/iymf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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  (513): he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you" http://tfl.nu/exld
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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  (229): I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland. http://tfl.nu/f2v9
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  (206): View more from Washington

  a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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  (206): a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside http://tfl.nu/s7y4
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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  (412): There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever. http://tfl.nu/yvee
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much

  (352): View more from Florida

  Like they're going to fly away?

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  (407): I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much (352): Like they're going to fly away? http://tfl.nu/z6w4
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  (253): View more from Washington

  If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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  (253): If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life. http://tfl.nu/jc0t
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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  (540): my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened. http://tfl.nu/bhgb
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."

  (1-208): View more from Idaho

  Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.

  (208): View more from Idaho

  ......... Poor kitty

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  (208): I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl." (1-208): Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating. (208): ......... Poor kitty http://tfl.nu/dw0s
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  (914): View more from New York

  I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day

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  (914): I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day http://tfl.nu/8r1c
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

  (518): View more from New York

  So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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  (203): If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi. (518): So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits? http://tfl.nu/jsif
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home

  (647): View more from Ontario

  Was he satisfied?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  No, and very vocal about it.

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  (416): I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home (647): Was he satisfied? (416): No, and very vocal about it. http://tfl.nu/h3jb
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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  (509): Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom http://tfl.nu/fom9
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.

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  (512): I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25. http://tfl.nu/95s1
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink

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  (602): You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink http://tfl.nu/maij
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way

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  (603): I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way http://tfl.nu/a69v
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (865): View more from Tennessee

  He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.

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  (865): He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her. http://tfl.nu/dj4z
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

  (1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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  (902): Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years. (1-902): Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies http://tfl.nu/48gx
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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  (623): Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN." http://tfl.nu/7rib
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  (347): View more from New York

  He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?

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  (347): He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family? http://tfl.nu/6x1g
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....

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  (215): Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there..... http://tfl.nu/ckkf
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

  (719): View more from Colorado

  LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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  (815): Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old... (719): LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though.. http://tfl.nu/fsbn
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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  (862): Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good. http://tfl.nu/j3wb
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  (903): View more from Texas

  So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.

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  (903): So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that. http://tfl.nu/z5my
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.

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  (402): He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it. http://tfl.nu/81z6
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Gong!

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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  (206): Gong! (1-253): YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT http://tfl.nu/dcri
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.

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  (336): I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead. http://tfl.nu/ixs0
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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  (715): During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me. http://tfl.nu/euwh
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  (408): View more from California

  She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

  (1-408): View more from California

  I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

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  (408): She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit (1-408): I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards http://tfl.nu/ssrb
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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  (708): Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life. http://tfl.nu/mhw6
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.

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  (519): The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated. http://tfl.nu/ajsd
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  (862): View more from New Jersey

  I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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  (862): I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated. http://tfl.nu/6ujy
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.

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  (706): I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery. http://tfl.nu/adx0
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  (516): View more from New York

  It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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  (516): It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post http://tfl.nu/8lgm
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Guess what happened to me today at work?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  I have chlamydia. What happened.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.

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  (734): Guess what happened to me today at work? (1-734): I have chlamydia. What happened. (734): Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second. http://tfl.nu/rf53
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.

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  (406): You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior. http://tfl.nu/tu51
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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  (502): Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not? http://tfl.nu/b1wq
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  (512): View more from Texas

  Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.

  (512): View more from Texas

  Wont she be proud, Hailey.

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  (512): Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting. (512): Wont she be proud, Hailey. http://tfl.nu/kwv4
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.

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  (319): Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow. http://tfl.nu/xfpi
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  (949): View more from California

  You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.

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  (949): You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept. http://tfl.nu/3n2j
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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  (541): And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch http://tfl.nu/6s8v
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?

  (467): View more from

  I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?

  (317): View more from Indiana

  Can you ship it to me then?

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  (317): I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink? (467): I moved out 2 weeks ago remember? (317): Can you ship it to me then? http://tfl.nu/bovq
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

  (1-604): View more from British Columbia

  please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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  (604): i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper. (1-604): please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night. http://tfl.nu/j80d
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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  (937): You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already. http://tfl.nu/06li
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.

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  (502): She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do. http://tfl.nu/zxpe
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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  (201): A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore." http://tfl.nu/zlen
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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  (801): I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER http://tfl.nu/tbl0
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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  (508): So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test. http://tfl.nu/gxsj
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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  (920): Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina http://tfl.nu/ae28
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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  (613): On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it? http://tfl.nu/27yi
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im sober

  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive

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  (815): im sober (920): you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive http://tfl.nu/hm58
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.

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  (971): He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character. http://tfl.nu/w2hk
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  (714): View more from California

  I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

  (949): View more from California

  Midgetier?

  (714): View more from California

  Smaller, yet meaner.

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  (714): I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic? (949): Midgetier? (714): Smaller, yet meaner. http://tfl.nu/nr7w
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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  (519): I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes. http://tfl.nu/j2g5
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  (714): View more from California

  Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.

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  (714): Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume. http://tfl.nu/yo6q
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.

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  (240): and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore. http://tfl.nu/oorw
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.

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  (770): good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed. http://tfl.nu/g7ri
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.

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  (262): Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head. http://tfl.nu/w9hs
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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  (765): A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins. http://tfl.nu/d999
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  (914): View more from New York

  He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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  (914): He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon. http://tfl.nu/hf2o
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

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  (612): Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me. http://tfl.nu/0mf7
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  (972): View more from Texas

  Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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  (972): Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit. http://tfl.nu/pnw4
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  (845): View more from New York

  She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

  (1-845): View more from New York

  she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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  (845): She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside. (1-845): she is way to in-touch with her childhood http://tfl.nu/m5xk
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  (914): View more from New York

  Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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  (914): Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names. http://tfl.nu/zaoe
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  (914): View more from New York

  Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.

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  (914): Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail. http://tfl.nu/7j5r
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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  (504): If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life. http://tfl.nu/0spe
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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  (260): U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks http://tfl.nu/ak2u
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  (442): View more from California

  While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.

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  (442): While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage. http://tfl.nu/yi73
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  What time did you start drinking?

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe.

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Maybe isn't a time...

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  (617): What time did you start drinking? (978): Maybe. (617): Maybe isn't a time... http://tfl.nu/r4p5
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.

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  (612): I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that. http://tfl.nu/cvm1
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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  (651): raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win (608): lets go back to having secrets in our friendship http://tfl.nu/pq7s
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

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  (601): You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin. http://tfl.nu/p6zj
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.

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  (250): well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves. http://tfl.nu/btjv
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  (628): View more from California

  That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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  (628): That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM. http://tfl.nu/93q7
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.

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  (+44): Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked. http://tfl.nu/926l
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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  (336): I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella. http://tfl.nu/lhln
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...

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  (702): I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris... http://tfl.nu/90iy
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  (386): View more from Florida

  I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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  (386): I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green. http://tfl.nu/e68o
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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  (847): He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited. http://tfl.nu/2tlf
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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  (308): He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along. http://tfl.nu/kb7d
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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  (705): Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/v5hf
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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  (231): Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you. http://tfl.nu/6utw
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  (661): View more from California

  There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.

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  (661): There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind. http://tfl.nu/kx07
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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  (978): Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant. http://tfl.nu/4fg6
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  (510): View more from California

  I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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  (510): I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear http://tfl.nu/ry3a
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  yeah you don't forget that shit easily

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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  (651): You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"? (1-651): yeah you don't forget that shit easily (651): We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email. http://tfl.nu/xfpa
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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  (610): she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl http://tfl.nu/lpki
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Sorry. Im on my way.

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  (608): When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face. (262): Sorry. Im on my way. http://tfl.nu/us1r
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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  (507): Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up. http://tfl.nu/yb0n
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  (850): View more from Florida

  He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.

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  (850): He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville. http://tfl.nu/tme9
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  (510): View more from California

  I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

  (1-510): View more from California

  Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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  (510): I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard (1-510): Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening. http://tfl.nu/lvw9
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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  (207): There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth. http://tfl.nu/nr8v
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  (415): View more from California

  There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

  (415): View more from California

  No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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  (415): There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest. (415): No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans http://tfl.nu/liuw
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  (310): View more from California

  Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

  (310): View more from California

  On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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  (310): Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face (310): On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people? http://tfl.nu/ezwy
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.

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  (704): I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks. http://tfl.nu/gvia
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.

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  (614): Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween. http://tfl.nu/cwdu
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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  (+61): He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him. http://tfl.nu/9g1s
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  dear god, who put you in a cab?

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  (267): duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19. (856): dear god, who put you in a cab? http://tfl.nu/6o92
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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  (412): My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out. http://tfl.nu/7oni
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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  (864): turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy http://tfl.nu/uoz8
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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  (410): If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina http://tfl.nu/8dig
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  (212): View more from New York

  Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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  (212): Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help? http://tfl.nu/19hc
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning

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  (412): we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning http://tfl.nu/vjbm
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?

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  (618): This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it? http://tfl.nu/yhoj
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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  (586): I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me. http://tfl.nu/23ps
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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  (806): I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit. http://tfl.nu/a0hw
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  (510): View more from California

  I'm trying to make a sex playlist

  (916): View more from California

  record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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  (510): I'm trying to make a sex playlist (916): record yourself crying and put it on a loop. http://tfl.nu/f4y5
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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  (302): I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me. http://tfl.nu/pfoh
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.

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  (937): I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt. http://tfl.nu/gq37
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.

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  (615): i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at. http://tfl.nu/fdq1
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

  (1-540): View more from Virginia

  I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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  (540): Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone (1-540): I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her http://tfl.nu/pf86
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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  (269): I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away. http://tfl.nu/ufa3
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

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  (617): we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car http://tfl.nu/ipv6
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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  (318): Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea". http://tfl.nu/c66k
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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  (217): Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out http://tfl.nu/2vfe
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.

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  (563): WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE. http://tfl.nu/f0cz
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

  (1-334): View more from Alabama

  Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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  (334): I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does. (1-334): Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers. http://tfl.nu/3563
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums

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  (732): apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums http://tfl.nu/96xk
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.

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  (540): Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place. http://tfl.nu/p2sn
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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  (419): Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again http://tfl.nu/9um4
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  (619): View more from California

  Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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  (619): Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't. http://tfl.nu/8mv6
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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  (228): Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis. http://tfl.nu/q40e
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

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  (302): I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids http://tfl.nu/6v45
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...

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  (616): I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"... http://tfl.nu/nha2
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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  (219): Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine. http://tfl.nu/fc29
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.

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  (413): I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude? (908): It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer. http://tfl.nu/qzgh
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  (556): View more from

  Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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  (556): Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard http://tfl.nu/2l07
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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  (251): I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision. http://tfl.nu/w9kf
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  (830): View more from Texas

  I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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  (830): I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won. http://tfl.nu/nmjn
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  (813): View more from Florida

  his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

  (407): View more from Florida

  yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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  (813): his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call. (407): yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer. http://tfl.nu/agts
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.

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  (615): The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw. http://tfl.nu/u9lh
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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  (519): If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes http://tfl.nu/ayyp
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

  (941): View more from Florida

  it was a krispy kreme

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  (609): wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut. (941): it was a krispy kreme http://tfl.nu/o743
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.

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  (202): Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools. http://tfl.nu/n6n6
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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  (304): It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly. http://tfl.nu/eai2
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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  (847): I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet. http://tfl.nu/wpea
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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  (262): Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink. http://tfl.nu/n6v7
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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  (305): Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright. http://tfl.nu/jxj8
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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  (360): Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck http://tfl.nu/w3fd
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.

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  (641): yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors. http://tfl.nu/lgo5
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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  (902): This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D http://tfl.nu/3txw
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.

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  (+44): I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland. http://tfl.nu/8trz
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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  (401): just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point. http://tfl.nu/mbzv
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  (904): View more from Florida

  he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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  (904): he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french? http://tfl.nu/ofgx
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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  (401): I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa http://tfl.nu/56cb
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

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  (440): uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober http://tfl.nu/fk8a
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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  (636): If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies http://tfl.nu/2ary
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  (917): View more from New York City

  This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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  (917): This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts. http://tfl.nu/i0fp
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  (707): View more from California

  there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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  (707): there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced. http://tfl.nu/voth
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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  (918): The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me. http://tfl.nu/3sv8
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it

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  (250): Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it http://tfl.nu/v02x
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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  (647): A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe". http://tfl.nu/rgh4
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  (916): View more from California

  In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

  (1-916): View more from California

  Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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  (916): In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room? (1-916): Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne. http://tfl.nu/vsj8
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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  (412): At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that. http://tfl.nu/pr0e
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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  (203): The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad http://tfl.nu/q1tx
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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  (414): in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself. http://tfl.nu/j69f
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.

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  (337): so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now. http://tfl.nu/ckx3
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  (360): View more from Washington

  it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

  (206): View more from Washington

  and semen

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  (360): it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing (206): and semen http://tfl.nu/0fmk
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.

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  (832): you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/gkpj
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?

  (773): View more from Illinois

  To be honest, kinda.

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  (708): For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly? (773): To be honest, kinda. http://tfl.nu/5ciz
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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  (205): Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails http://tfl.nu/p7in
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  (254): View more from Texas

  You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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  (254): You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever. http://tfl.nu/wqqf
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  (510): View more from California

  God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.

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  (510): God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars. http://tfl.nu/alo4
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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  (301): I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked. http://tfl.nu/v26w
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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  (414): Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things. http://tfl.nu/uvud
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  (509): View more from Washington

  i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

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  (509): i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol. http://tfl.nu/8fl0
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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  (978): I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened. http://tfl.nu/wamv
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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  (814): yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him. http://tfl.nu/on87
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

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  (417): How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave? http://tfl.nu/9xty
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  (406): View more from Montana

  she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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  (406): she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over. http://tfl.nu/abn4
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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  (317): The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics. http://tfl.nu/667h
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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  (814): When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god http://tfl.nu/yzjp
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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  (719): Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby". http://tfl.nu/v0w5
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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  (412): I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms http://tfl.nu/sbef
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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  (215): I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy. http://tfl.nu/orpn
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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  (501): I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please. http://tfl.nu/vb3l
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack

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  (541): ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack http://tfl.nu/jnxf
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?

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  (780): do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ? http://tfl.nu/tyvw
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  (718): View more from New York

  He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.

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  (718): He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head. http://tfl.nu/789t
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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  (912): Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here. http://tfl.nu/xdo1
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  (817): View more from Texas

  We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.

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  (817): We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen. http://tfl.nu/j56a
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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  (540): i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall http://tfl.nu/ora9
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  (914): View more from New York

  The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

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  (914): The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients. http://tfl.nu/y7zq
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."

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  (270): You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money." http://tfl.nu/lp5j
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.

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  (267): Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees. http://tfl.nu/ugpg
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...

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  (319): Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts... http://tfl.nu/b46l
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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  (863): I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen. http://tfl.nu/kind
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?

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  (832): Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones? http://tfl.nu/bhpj
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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  (229): No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry http://tfl.nu/1p4e
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

  (269): View more from Michigan

  Gonna go for any of them?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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  (248): All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go. (269): Gonna go for any of them? (248): Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us. http://tfl.nu/3pp6
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right

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  (717): he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right http://tfl.nu/bx9n
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  (315): View more from New York

  Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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  (315): Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench http://tfl.nu/9nh4
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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  (314): For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos. http://tfl.nu/t7k7
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  (713): View more from Texas

  On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.

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  (713): On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day. http://tfl.nu/dyk5
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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  (978): He's almost as awesome as vicodin. (513): Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you http://tfl.nu/u3r1
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

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  (810): I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure. http://tfl.nu/tlfm
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages

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  (815): I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages http://tfl.nu/m114
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....

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  (410): Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink..... http://tfl.nu/vd91
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.

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  (206): I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe. http://tfl.nu/2cd4
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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  (262): i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching. (715): okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference. http://tfl.nu/rrjb
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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  (651): Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me. http://tfl.nu/26ae
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  (210): View more from Texas

  Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  Hello cirrhosis

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  (210): Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute (1-210): Hello cirrhosis http://tfl.nu/bpcm
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

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  (919): He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail http://tfl.nu/mc07
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

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  (781): Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag http://tfl.nu/xidr
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  (626): View more from California

  He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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  (626): He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex. http://tfl.nu/kqx4
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."

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  (613): I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.." http://tfl.nu/n3mo
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  (214): View more from Texas

  There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.

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  (214): There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ecsp
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  (949): View more from California

  you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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  (949): you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application. http://tfl.nu/ha6k
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

  (1-217): View more from Illinois

  Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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  (217): Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me? (1-217): Vomiting outside the employee entrance http://tfl.nu/gco9
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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  (443): you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life. http://tfl.nu/pccz
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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  (780): Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks. http://tfl.nu/2lc5
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  (957): View more from

  I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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  (957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day. http://tfl.nu/42ia
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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  (407): I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity. http://tfl.nu/5ec6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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  (410): We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway http://tfl.nu/kcow
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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  (832): He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like. http://tfl.nu/ukkd
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  (845): View more from New York

  You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.

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  (845): You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign. http://tfl.nu/2tl8
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..

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  (480): Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona.. http://tfl.nu/wgkj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

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  (303): Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life. http://tfl.nu/utnc
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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  (360): Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told... http://tfl.nu/tfwr
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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  (662): Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/exim
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  What color are my eyes?

  (1-519): View more from Ontario

  Ummmm... 34 C?

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  (519): What color are my eyes? (1-519): Ummmm... 34 C? http://tfl.nu/3v5v
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.

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  (804): she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener. http://tfl.nu/h6je
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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  (501): So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again. http://tfl.nu/au9d
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

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  (973): He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird. http://tfl.nu/n9dq
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  (850): View more from Florida

  We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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  (850): We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out? http://tfl.nu/dwkr
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

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  (503): I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it. http://tfl.nu/30lr
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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  (978): Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat http://tfl.nu/fgz1
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  (281): View more from Texas

  okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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  (281): okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry. http://tfl.nu/ycuw
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

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  (708): Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday! http://tfl.nu/a9dm
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  (561): View more from Florida

  Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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  (561): Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk http://tfl.nu/69zw
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .

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  (757): i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too . http://tfl.nu/0v5g
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

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  (513): Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far? http://tfl.nu/e2iz
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

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  (304): Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying http://tfl.nu/2vcq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.

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  (513): Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight. http://tfl.nu/vjdx
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.

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  (814): Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry. http://tfl.nu/q7zn
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (518): View more from New York

  Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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  (518): Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday. http://tfl.nu/c6q7
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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  (847): I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt? http://tfl.nu/o3a9
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

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  (575): you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat. http://tfl.nu/lmrm
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

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  (505): Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that http://tfl.nu/xqbd
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  Is it working?

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  (205): I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless. (1-205): Is it working? http://tfl.nu/ozk1
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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  (217): He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP! http://tfl.nu/1t3i
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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  (919): I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend... http://tfl.nu/oued
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

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  (973): That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy http://tfl.nu/xazq
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  (425): View more from Washington

  No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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  (425): No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America, http://tfl.nu/18wd
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

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  (321): Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college. http://tfl.nu/3u34
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

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  (620): You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on. http://tfl.nu/djzq
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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  (303): Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo? http://tfl.nu/2zc2
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

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  (505): koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty http://tfl.nu/dl5w
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  (406): View more from Montana

  You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

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  (406): You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it. http://tfl.nu/4hyg
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  (585): View more from New York

  that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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  (585): that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag http://tfl.nu/7pz9
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  (714): View more from California

  Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

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  (714): Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww http://tfl.nu/e98y
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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  (504): The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it http://tfl.nu/4bhh
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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  (217): I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem' http://tfl.nu/0jvg
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

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  (407): I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens http://tfl.nu/da7z
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  (618): View more from Illinois

  Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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  (618): Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers. http://tfl.nu/lte3
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  Soup is delicious

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  (970): I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup. (1-970): Soup is delicious http://tfl.nu/y0l8
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis

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  (740): his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis http://tfl.nu/cmya
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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  (708): if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again http://tfl.nu/p1ce
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  (406): View more from Montana

  As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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  (406): As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins. http://tfl.nu/zjez
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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  (317): A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some. http://tfl.nu/08yo
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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  (484): Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar. http://tfl.nu/31fg
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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  (262): He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage" http://tfl.nu/fr69
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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  (919): All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on. http://tfl.nu/8snd
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

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  (787): He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him. http://tfl.nu/klex
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  (714): View more from California

  found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.

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  (714): found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good. http://tfl.nu/7tze
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window

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  (+44): he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window http://tfl.nu/rkda
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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  (931): How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you. http://tfl.nu/giys
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

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  (202): incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay. http://tfl.nu/a1k2
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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  (318): We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done http://tfl.nu/r8w7
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?

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  (905): I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree? http://tfl.nu/z9hw
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  (903): View more from Texas

  If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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  (903): If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis. http://tfl.nu/5wmm
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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  (519): i am way too old to be getting fingered at work http://tfl.nu/4t42
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  (916): View more from California

  nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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  (916): nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds http://tfl.nu/1rag
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night

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  (+44): oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night http://tfl.nu/5l2j
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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  (505): All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice. http://tfl.nu/9vs4
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

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  (815): i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot http://tfl.nu/m7cq
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  how was ur day?

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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  (417): how was ur day? (405): this is strictly sexting don't make small talk. http://tfl.nu/95h7
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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  (540): Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,. http://tfl.nu/tnkk
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  (863): View more from Florida

  oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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  (863): oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows. http://tfl.nu/dnld
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  (619): View more from California

  Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

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  (619): Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer. http://tfl.nu/flbo
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

  (1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

  What did you cook with whisky?

  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  We started a fire.

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  (306): We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky. (1-306): What did you cook with whisky? (306): We started a fire. http://tfl.nu/4y3v
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

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  (610): i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly. http://tfl.nu/8yco
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  (801): View more from Utah

  She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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  (801): She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous. http://tfl.nu/mgxb
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.

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  (859): In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing. http://tfl.nu/n1s5
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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  (416): Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before http://tfl.nu/meit
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  (941): View more from Florida

  i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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  (941): i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet. http://tfl.nu/jjy9
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  (845): View more from New York

  you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

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  (845): you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes http://tfl.nu/5rry
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.

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  (610): He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick. http://tfl.nu/upxm
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  (631): View more from New York

  After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

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  (631): After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment. http://tfl.nu/pq89
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.

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  (814): yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole. http://tfl.nu/s4gw
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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  (203): Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed. http://tfl.nu/aqi9
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  (209): View more from California

  I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

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  (209): I don't think child baring hips is a compliment. http://tfl.nu/0err
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.

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  (214): Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2. http://tfl.nu/7wyo
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.

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  (859): Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me. http://tfl.nu/05qc
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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  (954): I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter. http://tfl.nu/57tz
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  we already have meals planned for the weekend.

  (1-864): View more from South Carolina

  SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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  (864): we already have meals planned for the weekend. (1-864): SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL. http://tfl.nu/xo3s
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.

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  (708): My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase. http://tfl.nu/2212
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  (561): View more from Florida

  They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.

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  (561): They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment. http://tfl.nu/ozel
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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  (443): booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again http://tfl.nu/1mb1
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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  (717): do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important. http://tfl.nu/a970
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  (509): View more from Washington

  Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.

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  (509): Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied. http://tfl.nu/w7qp
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  Not having phil's child is good enough.

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  (513): Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize. (1-513): Not having phil's child is good enough. http://tfl.nu/zrt3
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  she could've warned me his penis was curved

  (708): View more from Illinois

  ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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  (630): she could've warned me his penis was curved (708): ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/vp5d
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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  (616): Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up. http://tfl.nu/sgel
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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  (602): Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote. http://tfl.nu/5km0
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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  (202): I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me. http://tfl.nu/uo6c
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  (408): View more from California

  hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

  (650): View more from California

  nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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  (408): hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;) (650): nah, i'm gonna grab some food http://tfl.nu/jz1a
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  Holy shit r u serious? How?

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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  (216): Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks. (440): Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf? (216): Holy shit r u serious? How? (440): Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you. http://tfl.nu/xwoo
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  (949): View more from California

  Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

  (1-949): View more from California

  are you seriously doing this over text message

  (949): View more from California

  hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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  (949): Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me? (1-949): are you seriously doing this over text message (949): hahaha no, but i am dumping you. http://tfl.nu/2zd7
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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  (314): So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present. http://tfl.nu/xf6g
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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  (847): as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me http://tfl.nu/nasi
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  (239): View more from Florida

  In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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  (239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now. http://tfl.nu/wa2b
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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  (717): She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen." http://tfl.nu/c7q3
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  (858): View more from California

  So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?

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  (858): So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis? http://tfl.nu/f1iy
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  (239): View more from Florida

  Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.

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  (239): Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis. http://tfl.nu/6cer
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  (207): View more from Maine

  how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

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  (207): how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me. http://tfl.nu/s06p
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  (760): View more from California

  The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

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  (760): The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation http://tfl.nu/2mmn
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.

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  (612): i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore. http://tfl.nu/6de5
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

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  (517): Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much? http://tfl.nu/63ru
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.

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  (703): You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's. http://tfl.nu/9isl
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

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  (954): Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it. http://tfl.nu/slzd
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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  (734): How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together? http://tfl.nu/es97
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  (206): View more from Washington

  Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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  (206): Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right? http://tfl.nu/ikqz
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  (801): View more from Utah

  First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.

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  (801): First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up. http://tfl.nu/q6w0
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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  (971): I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo? http://tfl.nu/aefb
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?

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  (401): Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried? http://tfl.nu/xci2
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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  (248): i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina. http://tfl.nu/jhba
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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  (630): There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow.. http://tfl.nu/vffr
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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  (630): My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock. http://tfl.nu/njgo
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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  (314): On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you? http://tfl.nu/ocb5
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  (713): View more from Texas

  I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

  (512): View more from Texas

  babe, don't say it like that!

  (713): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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  (713): I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight. (512): babe, don't say it like that! (713): I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening. http://tfl.nu/iuma
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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  (401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am? http://tfl.nu/ppdn
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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  (847): i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out. http://tfl.nu/gev3
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