Texts From Last Night

xdieselx's Favorites Texts:

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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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  (410): She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with http://tfl.nu/po8c
  Replies (24) Good night (6913) Bad night (1941) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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  (760): Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom... http://tfl.nu/f7p5
  Replies (18) Good night (1287) Bad night (6153) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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  (216): I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance. http://tfl.nu/bz9b
  Replies (14) Good night (1202) Bad night (4131) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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  (304): She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments http://tfl.nu/75se
  Replies (87) Good night (14302) Bad night (2663) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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  (267): We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now http://tfl.nu/1wl1
  Replies (29) Good night (5118) Bad night (1350) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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  (317): I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me. http://tfl.nu/s4ft
  Replies (36) Good night (6969) Bad night (1352) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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  (313): The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her. http://tfl.nu/8p27
  Replies (20) Good night (5439) Bad night (1680) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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  (765): I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing.. http://tfl.nu/jqwx
  Replies (35) Good night (14282) Bad night (1233) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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  (336): Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex. http://tfl.nu/1j3r
  Replies (36) Good night (900) Bad night (5834) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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  (407): i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing http://tfl.nu/l66q
  Replies (17) Good night (5905) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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  (802): I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do http://tfl.nu/o1hg
  Replies (35) Good night (9330) Bad night (1004) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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  (630): He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors. http://tfl.nu/ipmp
  Replies (36) Good night (2488) Bad night (5445) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days

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  (360): I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days http://tfl.nu/ngst
  Replies (21) Good night (9811) Bad night (1087) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

  (1-813): View more from Florida

  only on the fourth of july.

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  (813): right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming. (1-813): only on the fourth of july. http://tfl.nu/s13z
  Replies (20) Good night (7766) Bad night (1013) Order T-Shirt
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

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  (717): He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex http://tfl.nu/v3ok
  Replies (25) Good night (5765) Bad night (1672) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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  (302): I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn http://tfl.nu/trfc
  Replies (14) Good night (5287) Bad night (1242) Order T-Shirt
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  We need to talk about our relationship.

  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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  (575): We need to talk about our relationship. (403): I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes http://tfl.nu/0ub4
  Replies (20) Good night (8821) Bad night (1266)
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty

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  (860): Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty http://tfl.nu/6xch
  Replies (14) Good night (4350) Bad night (989) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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  (631): So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?" http://tfl.nu/ljzm
  Replies (51) Good night (2011) Bad night (6661) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
  Replies (59) Good night (14853) Bad night (1929) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...

  (863): View more from Florida

  Can I come live with you?

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  (813): watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC... (863): Can I come live with you? http://tfl.nu/y56x
  Replies (21) Good night (5487) Bad night (997)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.

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  (901): we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly. http://tfl.nu/dwqa
  Replies (58) Good night (1480) Bad night (14347) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

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  (609): This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn. http://tfl.nu/9axz
  Replies (30) Good night (7022) Bad night (1027) Order T-Shirt
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  God wants them to get laid too.

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  (267): Why do fat girls all have such cute faces? (484): God wants them to get laid too. http://tfl.nu/23cz
  Replies (59) Good night (7883) Bad night (1322)
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

  (1-734): View more from Michigan

  How did the beer even get there in the first place?

  (734): View more from Michigan

  That's not what's important right now

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  (734): Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina? (1-734): How did the beer even get there in the first place? (734): That's not what's important right now http://tfl.nu/17l2
  Replies (30) Good night (2887) Bad night (3734)
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one

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  (405): so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one http://tfl.nu/mfz0
  Replies (46) Good night (809) Bad night (4889)
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  (808): View more from Hawaii

  white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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  (808): white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month" http://tfl.nu/8vpl
  Replies (46) Good night (14664) Bad night (1293) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
  Replies (37) Good night (1980) Bad night (7825)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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  (302): I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night http://tfl.nu/y9ju
  Replies (23) Good night (6579) Bad night (1769) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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  (757): sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying... http://tfl.nu/9slh
  Replies (46) Good night (8633) Bad night (587) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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  (740): id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag. http://tfl.nu/yqo6
  Replies (72) Good night (1235) Bad night (16099) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  what if I'm pregnant?

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  smusmorshion

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  (908): what if I'm pregnant? (848): smusmorshion http://tfl.nu/vksj
  Replies (103) Good night (1828) Bad night (2847)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?

  (845): View more from New York

  Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.

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  (302): Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one? (845): Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides. http://tfl.nu/6dzh
  Replies (125) Good night (4734) Bad night (578)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.

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  (313): mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved. http://tfl.nu/u6ef
  Replies (3) Good night (842) Bad night (427) Order T-Shirt
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.

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  (204): Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now. http://tfl.nu/lhag
  Replies (41) Good night (1277) Bad night (5871) Order T-Shirt
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  (325): View more from Texas

  Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero

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  (325): Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero http://tfl.nu/zl6f
  Replies (58) Good night (6361) Bad night (980) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
  Replies (188) Good night (56819) Bad night (4685)
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  (516): View more from New York

  everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.

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  (516): everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no. http://tfl.nu/bnsc
  Replies (85) Good night (4227) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

  (703): View more from Virginia

  and miss being on the news....no way

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  (571): next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave (703): and miss being on the news....no way http://tfl.nu/gtrx
  Replies (21) Good night (8602) Bad night (996)
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  (575): View more from New Mexico

  The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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  (575): The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order" http://tfl.nu/htwe
  Replies (18) Good night (12661) Bad night (990) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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  (802): he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes... http://tfl.nu/9zzk
  Replies (70) Good night (1113) Bad night (11084) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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  (770): i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises. http://tfl.nu/q0zn
  Replies (52) Good night (6524) Bad night (1584) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Thanks for getting me home last night.

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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  (281): Thanks for getting me home last night. (832): No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa. http://tfl.nu/wftp
  Replies (29) Good night (8871) Bad night (909)
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  (760): View more from California

  so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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  (760): so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost? http://tfl.nu/osjc
  Replies (21) Good night (2764) Bad night (6696) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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  (304): You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me. http://tfl.nu/fshf
  Replies (24) Good night (8756) Bad night (1915) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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  (585): she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over http://tfl.nu/tk3t
  Replies (13) Good night (9728) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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  (651): he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong. http://tfl.nu/ln52
  Replies (29) Good night (9140) Bad night (1307) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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  (720): she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod http://tfl.nu/2sd3
  Replies (6) Good night (5586) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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  (781): I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin. http://tfl.nu/37ur
  Replies (43) Good night (1081) Bad night (8832) Order T-Shirt
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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  (989): no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed". http://tfl.nu/dmqo
  Replies (16) Good night (6410) Bad night (798) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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  (781): So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger. (603): Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat. http://tfl.nu/6067
  Replies (19) Good night (6581) Bad night (985)
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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  (815): I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe. http://tfl.nu/z3x3
  Replies (43) Good night (7755) Bad night (1774) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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  (304): Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for http://tfl.nu/goo7
  Replies (27) Good night (10020) Bad night (693) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
  Replies (69) Good night (14274) Bad night (3599) Order T-Shirt