Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Follow @tfln