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Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
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