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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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