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I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
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