Texts From Last Night

thirrteen's Favorites Texts:

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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.

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  (314): I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed. http://tfl.nu/a0tv
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.

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  (513): Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth. http://tfl.nu/s6hy
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.

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  (573): It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children. http://tfl.nu/cjdr
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  (817): View more from Texas

  apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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  (817): apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon http://tfl.nu/fh3y
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.

  (1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

  ...

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.

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  (215): I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward. (1-215): ... (215): I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure. http://tfl.nu/h70g
  Replies (5) Good night (744) Bad night (217)
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  (315): View more from New York

  My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?

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  (315): My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero? http://tfl.nu/se5g
  Replies (5) Good night (1274) Bad night (188)
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.

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  (912): I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe. http://tfl.nu/1u5h
  Replies (12) Good night (2437) Bad night (236)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun

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  (847): Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun http://tfl.nu/7pg6
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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  (202): There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1. http://tfl.nu/62gt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.

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  (303): Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful. http://tfl.nu/s24n
  Replies (3) Good night (596) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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  (310): I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine" http://tfl.nu/hod3
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  (917): View more from New York City

  New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.

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  (917): New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward. http://tfl.nu/1xcw
  Replies (3) Good night (603) Bad night (241)
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.

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  (906): We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad. http://tfl.nu/iebd
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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  (678): After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box". http://tfl.nu/z4mv
  Replies (5) Good night (1221) Bad night (246)
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  (310): View more from California

  All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.

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  (310): All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta. http://tfl.nu/aprf
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  (323): View more from California

  I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game

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  (323): I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game http://tfl.nu/sbp7
  Replies (4) Good night (925) Bad night (177)
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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  (229): He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets" http://tfl.nu/6jbp
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

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  (574): I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/m1lp
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom

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  (403): Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom http://tfl.nu/04zu
  Replies (2) Good night (1127) Bad night (256)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell

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  (215): There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell http://tfl.nu/i2t1
  Replies (10) Good night (1476) Bad night (268)
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  (229): View more from Georgia

  Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.

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  (229): Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone. http://tfl.nu/eg8m
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.

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  (701): You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole. http://tfl.nu/p45w
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  (714): View more from California

  There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.

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  (714): There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody. http://tfl.nu/evby
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  (914): View more from New York

  We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer

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  (914): We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer http://tfl.nu/h5p8
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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  (616): if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore http://tfl.nu/orke
  Replies (10) Good night (2081) Bad night (211) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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  (619): We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows. http://tfl.nu/xsuo
  Replies (7) Good night (2279) Bad night (200) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.

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  (254): I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits. http://tfl.nu/syex
  Replies (10) Good night (933) Bad night (229) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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  (724): She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment. http://tfl.nu/wo3z
  Replies (5) Good night (1148) Bad night (311)
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".

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  (928): It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams". http://tfl.nu/l9ee
  Replies (6) Good night (355) Bad night (713)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.

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  (918): I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me. http://tfl.nu/t73s
  Replies (4) Good night (315) Bad night (526) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it

  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Then he went and peed on those teenagers.

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  (501): I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it (501): Then he went and peed on those teenagers. http://tfl.nu/3fwd
  Replies (6) Good night (952) Bad night (247)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.

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  (503): Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it. http://tfl.nu/rbw2
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You need Xanax blowdarts

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  (513): You need Xanax blowdarts http://tfl.nu/5mba
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

  (1-918): View more from Oklahoma

  I thank god almighty everyday

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  (918): We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas (1-918): I thank god almighty everyday http://tfl.nu/mbi3
  Replies (18) Good night (1185) Bad night (246) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"

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  (212): I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy" http://tfl.nu/3mee
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out

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  (215): i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out http://tfl.nu/4dk0
  Replies (13) Good night (535) Bad night (810)
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  (253): View more from Washington

  So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter

  (1-253): View more from Washington

  Wow, he seems so solid

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  (253): So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter (1-253): Wow, he seems so solid http://tfl.nu/880c
  Replies (7) Good night (1311) Bad night (212)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  God bless Atlanta.

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  (917): Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes (610): God bless Atlanta. http://tfl.nu/oxn2
  Replies (2) Good night (768) Bad night (478)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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  (314): Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea... http://tfl.nu/1d0t
  Replies (7) Good night (1296) Bad night (357)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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  (+44): want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want (1+44): brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall http://tfl.nu/0u3p
  Replies (6) Good night (1835) Bad night (243)
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.

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  (603): Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride. http://tfl.nu/at65
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.

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  (703): Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic. http://tfl.nu/bmqq
  Replies (11) Good night (1209) Bad night (296) Order T-Shirt
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  (518): View more from New York

  you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh

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  (518): you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh http://tfl.nu/hnvd
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome

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  (269): Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome http://tfl.nu/saqv
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  (516): View more from New York

  Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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  (516): Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet. http://tfl.nu/uizc
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.

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  (563): I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud. http://tfl.nu/0vsx
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.

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  (417): Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom. http://tfl.nu/szac
  Replies (4) Good night (604) Bad night (490)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.

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  (302): Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells. http://tfl.nu/dzek
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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  (732): Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out http://tfl.nu/mgiw
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  (323): View more from California

  Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....

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  (323): Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner.... http://tfl.nu/erk9
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  8===D

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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  (412): 8===D (412): That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me. http://tfl.nu/yh0b
  Replies (12) Good night (1703) Bad night (259)
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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  (309): well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly http://tfl.nu/pg5j
  Replies (4) Good night (2198) Bad night (311)
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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  (301): Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows. http://tfl.nu/8j3i
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.

  (1-314): View more from Missouri

  Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.

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  (314): I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault. (1-314): Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush. http://tfl.nu/fjsh
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it

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  (828): It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it http://tfl.nu/e4ef
  Replies (9) Good night (1921) Bad night (301)
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom

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  (616): Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom http://tfl.nu/uno6
  Replies (8) Good night (1245) Bad night (382)
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  (435): View more from Utah

  I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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  (435): I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!! http://tfl.nu/1ljj
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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  (778): First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work http://tfl.nu/03ii
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  (512): View more from Texas

  My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?

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  (512): My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches? http://tfl.nu/d2yt
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  (874): View more from

  I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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  (874): I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night! http://tfl.nu/sa7u
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

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  (541): I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do. http://tfl.nu/nqe0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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  (410): We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off. http://tfl.nu/hhrd
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

  (1-416): View more from Toronto

  You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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  (416): She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?" (1-416): You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right? http://tfl.nu/2p2l
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  (818): View more from California

  Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.

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  (818): Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree. http://tfl.nu/znv5
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  (323): View more from California

  Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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  (323): Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud. http://tfl.nu/58eq
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

  (1-202): View more from Washington, DC

  Outside

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  (202): Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already (1-202): Outside http://tfl.nu/rkll
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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  (352): Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live http://tfl.nu/q9p0
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.

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  (608): Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening. http://tfl.nu/bdxc
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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  (724): Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in http://tfl.nu/7o0k
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...

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  (571): She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance... http://tfl.nu/5je2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.

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  (215): Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro. http://tfl.nu/nta7
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.

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  (570): I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out. http://tfl.nu/9vp6
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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  (617): A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO http://tfl.nu/0cgy
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

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  (502): Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work? http://tfl.nu/ejxj
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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  (937): I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina. http://tfl.nu/hc91
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"

  (1-410): View more from Maryland

  The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"

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  (410): You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails (1-410): I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling" (1-410): The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself" http://tfl.nu/79pq
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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  (307): The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/9x49
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.

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  (609): Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced. http://tfl.nu/7v0e
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  (949): View more from California

  Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite

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  (949): Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite http://tfl.nu/rl1y
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  (415): View more from California

  The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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  (415): The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican. http://tfl.nu/ke0b
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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  (937): Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work. http://tfl.nu/wxxj
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  (760): View more from California

  Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly

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  (760): Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly http://tfl.nu/j8y5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

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  (503): get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people http://tfl.nu/medo
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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  (337): Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE. http://tfl.nu/9lhc
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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  (920): Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night. http://tfl.nu/df8w
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse

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  (970): I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse http://tfl.nu/rdry
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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  (352): Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans. http://tfl.nu/fhpi
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  (850): View more from Florida

  This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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  (850): This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes. http://tfl.nu/j4m5
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

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  (785): Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals. http://tfl.nu/wiw7
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  (845): View more from New York

  Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins

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  (845): Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins http://tfl.nu/if6l
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.

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  (785): Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective. http://tfl.nu/28pg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

  (1-443): View more from Maryland

  That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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  (443): Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please. (1-443): That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude. http://tfl.nu/3mvf
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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  (513): Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude. http://tfl.nu/aac3
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  "Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"

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  (417): "Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day" http://tfl.nu/txdy
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  (530): View more from California

  red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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  (530): red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song. http://tfl.nu/0nv8
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.

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  (972): I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break. http://tfl.nu/fgur
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.

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  (913): My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one. http://tfl.nu/ad80
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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  (706): The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina. http://tfl.nu/6jcd
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.

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  (847): Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that. http://tfl.nu/stzp
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

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  (423): I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him. http://tfl.nu/x8vu
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  (979): View more from Texas

  It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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  (979): It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun. http://tfl.nu/ajrj
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance

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  (937): Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance http://tfl.nu/14uy
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.

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  (905): His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines. http://tfl.nu/30ox
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.

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  (847): I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina. http://tfl.nu/1g8w
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.

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  (913): Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life. http://tfl.nu/36jh
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.

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  (404): So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care. http://tfl.nu/6j38
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.

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  (218): My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick. http://tfl.nu/r953
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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  (778): We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in? http://tfl.nu/nu3d
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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  (248): Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower... http://tfl.nu/43yc
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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  (704): Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor. http://tfl.nu/wceh
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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  (513): We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit. http://tfl.nu/qhz6
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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  (910): Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain. http://tfl.nu/bmw5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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  (937): Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever. http://tfl.nu/8uev
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I regret nothing

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  (702): Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal. (1-702): I regret nothing http://tfl.nu/jdko
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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  (906): Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work. http://tfl.nu/815e
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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  (702): Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom. http://tfl.nu/ihoh
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  (806): View more from Texas

  It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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  (806): It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation. (1-806): It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that. http://tfl.nu/9jn5
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

  (323): View more from California

  yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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  (215): yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter (323): yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake http://tfl.nu/wu9k
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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  (775): If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you. http://tfl.nu/tyav
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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  (774): Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day http://tfl.nu/bsus
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Challenge Accepted

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  (216): Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight (440): Challenge Accepted http://tfl.nu/bdzo
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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  (678): Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask. http://tfl.nu/uqhe
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.

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  (937): When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary. http://tfl.nu/v8si
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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  (978): It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great http://tfl.nu/o9gd
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

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  (905): Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists. http://tfl.nu/ucjm
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior

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  (508): nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior http://tfl.nu/s256
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.

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  (269): P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema. http://tfl.nu/a51s
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  (+64): View more from New Zealand

  was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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  (+64): was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ?? http://tfl.nu/6vfo
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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  (703): When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond. http://tfl.nu/i1tf
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  (310): View more from California

  Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

  (818): View more from California

  No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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  (310): Can we just ponder our lives for a second. (818): No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles. http://tfl.nu/vtnc
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st

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  (773): I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head. (847): Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st http://tfl.nu/ptod
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  (585): View more from New York

  Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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  (585): Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably. http://tfl.nu/akzi
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.

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  (540): my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened. http://tfl.nu/bhgb
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that

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  (843): I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that http://tfl.nu/xola
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.

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  (614): They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor. http://tfl.nu/swbu
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!

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  (678): Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?! http://tfl.nu/sa9o
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.

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  (203): Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever. http://tfl.nu/gq2j
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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  (662): Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month. (662): Challenge accepted. See you in hell. http://tfl.nu/tj98
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  (695): View more from

  it was like a congratulatory penis slap

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  (695): it was like a congratulatory penis slap http://tfl.nu/qsp5
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  She wants to have naked weekends

  (541): View more from Oregon

  They call that free range vagina in France

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  (503): She wants to have naked weekends (541): They call that free range vagina in France http://tfl.nu/sou7
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  (914): View more from New York

  He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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  (914): He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF http://tfl.nu/rz1g
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.

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  (508): I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right. http://tfl.nu/agio
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.

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  (812): Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing. http://tfl.nu/xrfi
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  (209): View more from California

  He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia

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  (209): He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia http://tfl.nu/8vrp
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it

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  (404): Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it http://tfl.nu/ez1e
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.

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  (706): I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja. http://tfl.nu/8z0x
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  (206): View more from Washington

  LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.

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  (206): LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat. http://tfl.nu/zl1y
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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  (321): When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me. http://tfl.nu/jzk3
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  (713): View more from Texas

  she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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  (713): she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful? http://tfl.nu/75hl
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  (516): View more from New York

  Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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  (516): Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven. http://tfl.nu/hg3t
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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  (204): Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus http://tfl.nu/ux11
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  (909): View more from California

  I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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  (909): I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him http://tfl.nu/axwb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook

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  (301): my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook http://tfl.nu/xr9p
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