Texts From Last Night

swollpatroll's Favorites Texts:

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  (559): View more from California

  Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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  (559): Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes http://tfl.nu/dyqg
  Replies (12) Good night (3961) Bad night (579) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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  (301): Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher. http://tfl.nu/xgiu
  Replies (2) Good night (817) Bad night (227) Order T-Shirt
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Most definitely.

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  (706): If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you? (901): Most definitely. http://tfl.nu/a94l
  Replies (4) Good night (586) Bad night (92)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.

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  (202): As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap. http://tfl.nu/n79z
  Replies (18) Good night (1065) Bad night (214) Order T-Shirt
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me

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  (801): I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me http://tfl.nu/6usl
  Replies (8) Good night (1327) Bad night (116) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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  (813): I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight? http://tfl.nu/eoxv
  Replies (13) Good night (1129) Bad night (114) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.

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  (613): Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived. http://tfl.nu/meie
  Replies (5) Good night (1156) Bad night (137) Order T-Shirt
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.

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  (613): We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me. http://tfl.nu/jjop
  Replies (9) Good night (1831) Bad night (483)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.

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  (206): As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light. http://tfl.nu/6mx3
  Replies (10) Good night (2254) Bad night (177) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.

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  (920): I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it. http://tfl.nu/sqkc
  Replies (2) Good night (624) Bad night (108) Order T-Shirt
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?

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  (201): Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion? http://tfl.nu/hwen
  Replies (8) Good night (864) Bad night (312) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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  (757): You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good http://tfl.nu/ql8q
  Replies (8) Good night (565) Bad night (192) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me

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  (678): I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me http://tfl.nu/qbi9
  Replies (4) Good night (458) Bad night (187)
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.

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  (334): Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner. http://tfl.nu/nga8
  Replies (4) Good night (327) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.

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  (616): Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me. http://tfl.nu/rp8b
  Replies (5) Good night (669) Bad night (172) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.

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  (412): Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it. http://tfl.nu/10d1
  Replies (6) Good night (874) Bad night (405) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.

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  (832): I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass. http://tfl.nu/h3v0
  Replies (13) Good night (717) Bad night (149) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Are you setting a date to bone me?

  (530): View more from California

  Are you accepting?

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  (916): Are you setting a date to bone me? (530): Are you accepting? http://tfl.nu/jd32
  Replies (5) Good night (1161) Bad night (171)
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  (805): View more from California

  The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.

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  (805): The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it. http://tfl.nu/fb1m
  Replies (2) Good night (597) Bad night (152) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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  (541): No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure. http://tfl.nu/g7wu
  Replies (5) Good night (1868) Bad night (148) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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  (917): I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting. http://tfl.nu/4lzp
  Replies (7) Good night (1212) Bad night (173) Order T-Shirt
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  (509): View more from Washington

  In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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  (509): In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married? http://tfl.nu/eg0w
  Replies (6) Good night (436) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!

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  (404): Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!! http://tfl.nu/t5g2
  Replies (15) Good night (1172) Bad night (228) Order T-Shirt
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  I can't wait to read your obituary.

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  (815): Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her. (507): I can't wait to read your obituary. http://tfl.nu/uin6
  Replies (4) Good night (1003) Bad night (163)
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  (956): View more from Texas

  I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

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  (956): I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied. http://tfl.nu/aspz
  Replies (2) Good night (385) Bad night (235) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.

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  (214): I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rah7
  Replies (6) Good night (675) Bad night (291)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".

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  (678): After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box". http://tfl.nu/z4mv
  Replies (5) Good night (1220) Bad night (246)
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  (858): View more from California

  So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?

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  (858): So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom? http://tfl.nu/h0sv
  Replies (13) Good night (1398) Bad night (291) Order T-Shirt
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.

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  (705): We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman. http://tfl.nu/hp7f
  Replies (0) Good night (706) Bad night (175) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.

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  (615): Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob. http://tfl.nu/pm20
  Replies (16) Good night (1771) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR

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  (604): I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR http://tfl.nu/a8v0
  Replies (15) Good night (2941) Bad night (1709) Order T-Shirt
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  (+33): View more from France

  If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.

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  (+33): If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome. http://tfl.nu/f909
  Replies (6) Good night (1941) Bad night (214)
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie

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  (717): Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie http://tfl.nu/cc1l
  Replies (5) Good night (1158) Bad night (171) Order T-Shirt
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.

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  (517): I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT. http://tfl.nu/j08n
  Replies (4) Good night (1086) Bad night (198) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.

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  (202): It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks. (202): I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to. http://tfl.nu/wpl5
  Replies (10) Good night (1236) Bad night (466)
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  (310): View more from California

  My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

  (1-310): View more from California

  That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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  (310): My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing. (1-310): That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens. http://tfl.nu/xmxh
  Replies (14) Good night (1911) Bad night (324)
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  (805): View more from California

  It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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  (805): It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT! http://tfl.nu/78gh
  Replies (5) Good night (1114) Bad night (267)
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.

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  (705): He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on. http://tfl.nu/2ncf
  Replies (9) Good night (2748) Bad night (210) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.

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  (914): He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him. http://tfl.nu/d8kc
  Replies (4) Good night (1385) Bad night (205) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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  (732): I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me http://tfl.nu/tpku
  Replies (3) Good night (881) Bad night (251) Order T-Shirt
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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  (931): He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you http://tfl.nu/kuvj
  Replies (6) Good night (1672) Bad night (216) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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  (316): She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone. http://tfl.nu/tcs7
  Replies (13) Good night (555) Bad night (1714) Order T-Shirt
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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  (334): FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon http://tfl.nu/se3x
  Replies (9) Good night (1901) Bad night (234)
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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  (701): Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard. http://tfl.nu/ybia
  Replies (17) Good night (2291) Bad night (307) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.

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  (+44): When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies. http://tfl.nu/0fef
  Replies (8) Good night (1427) Bad night (237) Order T-Shirt
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  (805): View more from California

  Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.

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  (805): Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/zu2d
  Replies (6) Good night (250) Bad night (1564) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

  (619): View more from California

  I will find you...

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  (818): We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank. (619): I will find you... http://tfl.nu/dshk
  Replies (16) Good night (2207) Bad night (374)
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina

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  (313): First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina http://tfl.nu/jm59
  Replies (10) Good night (3166) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.

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  (210): I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob. http://tfl.nu/g13n
  Replies (7) Good night (843) Bad night (238) Order T-Shirt
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  (914): View more from New York

  So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.

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  (914): So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun. http://tfl.nu/n89x
  Replies (12) Good night (510) Bad night (1084) Order T-Shirt
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  (239): View more from Florida

  In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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  (239): In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now. http://tfl.nu/wa2b
  Replies (32) Good night (9044) Bad night (1362) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.

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  (619): We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows. http://tfl.nu/xsuo
  Replies (7) Good night (2277) Bad night (199) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad

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  (214): Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad http://tfl.nu/lcu6
  Replies (4) Good night (1510) Bad night (350)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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  (215): Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you. http://tfl.nu/su7n
  Replies (11) Good night (2755) Bad night (279) Order T-Shirt
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.

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  (317): I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense. http://tfl.nu/526h
  Replies (2) Good night (709) Bad night (217) Order T-Shirt
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

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  (+31): Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming. http://tfl.nu/ki11
  Replies (4) Good night (1722) Bad night (135) Order T-Shirt
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  (760): View more from California

  He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

  (619): View more from California

  he what???

  (760): View more from California

  Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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  (760): He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came. (619): he what??? (760): Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans. http://tfl.nu/7sag
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  He said he wanted to "superfuck" me

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Does he wear a cape??

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  (812): He said he wanted to "superfuck" me (678): Does he wear a cape?? http://tfl.nu/0f5n
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.

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  (706): He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex. http://tfl.nu/pzxj
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  (315): View more from New York

  There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster

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  (315): There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster http://tfl.nu/nm8t
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.

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  (303): Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth. http://tfl.nu/h368
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in

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  (989): Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in http://tfl.nu/tuaf
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?

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  (612): I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night? http://tfl.nu/y0ry
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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  (214): Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more. http://tfl.nu/1w8z
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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  (208): He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in http://tfl.nu/d89r
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  (718): View more from New York

  Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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  (718): Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really. http://tfl.nu/n2d1
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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  (732): Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome http://tfl.nu/8jcl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

  (-1816): View more from

  Probably is probably an understatement.

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  (816): It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister. (-1816): Probably is probably an understatement. http://tfl.nu/hxbu
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am

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  (240): seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am http://tfl.nu/z6p6
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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  (778): First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work http://tfl.nu/03ii
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

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  (724): I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move... (412): Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am. http://tfl.nu/4pbg
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  (352): View more from Florida

  i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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  (352): i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE http://tfl.nu/5phb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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  (812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow http://tfl.nu/ea94
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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  (973): Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited. http://tfl.nu/g03h
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I would do horrible things to your vagina.

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Prove it.

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  (617): I would do horrible things to your vagina. (978): Prove it. http://tfl.nu/qld3
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.

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  (301): He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home. http://tfl.nu/hk8n
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

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  (207): Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked. http://tfl.nu/4t3j
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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  (334): My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace? http://tfl.nu/t8sy
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  (914): View more from New York

  I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

  (1-914): View more from New York

  He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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  (914): I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85% (1-914): He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal http://tfl.nu/wtvm
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper

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  (915): I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper http://tfl.nu/xgjg
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...

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  (732): it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits... http://tfl.nu/8y9r
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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  (319): That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion" http://tfl.nu/w9if
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Challenge Accepted

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  (216): Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight (440): Challenge Accepted http://tfl.nu/bdzo
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.

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  (706): Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon. http://tfl.nu/nu6w
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music

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  (+44): could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music http://tfl.nu/hszo
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University

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  (480): got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University http://tfl.nu/6mss
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  (209): View more from California

  I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

  (209): View more from California

  Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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  (209): I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now. (209): Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4. http://tfl.nu/hx3p
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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  (617): Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane. http://tfl.nu/ph9r
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance

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  (480): He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance http://tfl.nu/vksf
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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  (905): And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced. http://tfl.nu/b7p5
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...

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  (731): Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels... http://tfl.nu/6gyu
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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  (303): I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind http://tfl.nu/1u44
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  I feel like you just railed me after that sext

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  (216): I feel like you just railed me after that sext http://tfl.nu/hgfe
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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  (563): As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me... http://tfl.nu/pbqy
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  (805): View more from California

  I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life

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  (805): I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life http://tfl.nu/x15r
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  A BJ like that needs to be recommended.

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  (724): A BJ like that needs to be recommended. http://tfl.nu/olb7
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.

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  (337): Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE. http://tfl.nu/9lhc
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  (857): View more from Massachusetts

  seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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  (857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable. http://tfl.nu/zho9
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  (253): View more from Washington

  Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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  (253): Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know. http://tfl.nu/n76e
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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  (847): He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours. http://tfl.nu/vgfj
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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  (970): She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat. http://tfl.nu/yazk
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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  (717): You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep. http://tfl.nu/lypi
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  (819): View more from Quebec

  I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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  (819): I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex. http://tfl.nu/mg33
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  (805): View more from California

  You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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  (805): You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like. http://tfl.nu/70wr
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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  (304): He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight. http://tfl.nu/5vdu
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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  (321): I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident. http://tfl.nu/j6a8
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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  (860): Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out (1-860): Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins http://tfl.nu/pc38
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  (206): View more from Washington

  She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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  (206): She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me http://tfl.nu/zp1n
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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  (563): Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me. http://tfl.nu/48rp
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  I love you.

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  (214): Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants. (1-214): I love you. http://tfl.nu/sgzz
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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  (604): when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible. http://tfl.nu/pxku
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  (512): View more from Texas

  She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.

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  (512): She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on. http://tfl.nu/lja4
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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  (647): I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS http://tfl.nu/1k5d
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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  (705): All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail. http://tfl.nu/tpxz
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  (716): View more from New York

  As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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  (716): As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is." http://tfl.nu/8j8j
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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  (803): Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him http://tfl.nu/31nh
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  (661): View more from California

  He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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  (661): He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian. http://tfl.nu/6vas
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you

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  (843): Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you http://tfl.nu/1rr1
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  (631): View more from New York

  She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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  (631): She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real. http://tfl.nu/p8fj
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

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  (+44): it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck http://tfl.nu/0y2l
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker

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  (812): Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker http://tfl.nu/znwm
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.

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  (302): I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that. http://tfl.nu/9h2q
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

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  (859): Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester? (1-859): It's after 5, it's not day drinking. http://tfl.nu/fzca
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

  (1-662): View more from Mississippi

  You're an idiot.

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  (662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles? (1-662): You're an idiot. http://tfl.nu/2n3l
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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  (732): i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up. http://tfl.nu/3kb7
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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  (419): having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance... http://tfl.nu/f7dv
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Its gonna be a symphony of fucks

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  (870): Its gonna be a symphony of fucks http://tfl.nu/8ess
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

  (679): View more from Michigan

  I wanted to be a dolphin.

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  (717): You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it.., (679): I wanted to be a dolphin. http://tfl.nu/th6t
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  (940): View more from Texas

  Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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  (940): Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses. http://tfl.nu/a1yl
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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  (313): She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement. http://tfl.nu/rfma
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  (760): View more from California

  It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect

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  (760): It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect http://tfl.nu/8hkz
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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  (251): As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you. http://tfl.nu/zyub
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  Yup.

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  (314): hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then? (636): Yup. (314): Yup. http://tfl.nu/bp2u
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

  (1-810): View more from Michigan

  I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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  (810): Two word: claymation porn. Think about it. (1-810): I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me. http://tfl.nu/emwe
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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  (401): She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough. http://tfl.nu/js6s
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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  (660): i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting http://tfl.nu/v176
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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  (248): Any little, cute, petite blondes with you? (1-248): Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though. http://tfl.nu/s8t4
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  (607): View more from New York

  do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand

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  (607): do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand http://tfl.nu/6yen
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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  (902): Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands. http://tfl.nu/svno
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.

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  (502): You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1. http://tfl.nu/n49y
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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  (303): Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"... http://tfl.nu/l31e
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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  (850): Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians. (1-850): Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue. http://tfl.nu/hc5m
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.

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  (425): I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it. http://tfl.nu/tr7o
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.

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  (918): That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates. http://tfl.nu/madm
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  (510): View more from California

  Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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  (510): Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward. http://tfl.nu/2xfe
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again

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  (+44): tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again http://tfl.nu/n6kd
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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  (601): He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT. http://tfl.nu/hra9
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  (714): View more from California

  Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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  (714): Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex? http://tfl.nu/9pxt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio

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  (617): The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio http://tfl.nu/9d6t
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  (818): View more from California

  two words...techno handjob

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  (818): two words...techno handjob http://tfl.nu/l83l
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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  (678): ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend. http://tfl.nu/yswq
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  (516): View more from New York

  Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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  (516): Never again will we have slut saturday. Never. http://tfl.nu/croh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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  (410): he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero http://tfl.nu/dyje
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  (954): View more from Florida

  so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

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  (954): so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine http://tfl.nu/9kja
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  (407): View more from Florida

  And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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  (407): And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword. http://tfl.nu/gcmk
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  (88): View more from

  As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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  (88): As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice. http://tfl.nu/ji6g
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  (714): View more from California

  She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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  (714): She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING. http://tfl.nu/p2v7
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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  (202): In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American. http://tfl.nu/gnds
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  (235): View more from

  I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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  (235): I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick. http://tfl.nu/7zv4
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.

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  (215): I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did. http://tfl.nu/l0um
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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  (704): He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him. http://tfl.nu/wgyi
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  (949): View more from California

  Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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  (949): Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN. http://tfl.nu/2o4b
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  (585): View more from New York

  complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.

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  (585): complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this. http://tfl.nu/7hr5
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  (989): View more from Michigan

  Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

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  (989): Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics? http://tfl.nu/kwmb
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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  (978): Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own? http://tfl.nu/mi3t
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.

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  (541): They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully. http://tfl.nu/5ynt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed

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  (330): tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed http://tfl.nu/01ok
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"

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  (781): I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions" http://tfl.nu/b7d2
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

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  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
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  (435): View more from Utah

  Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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  (435): Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that. http://tfl.nu/d2qc
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??

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  (413): RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay?? http://tfl.nu/ikcs
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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  (+44): HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER http://tfl.nu/mt7u
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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  (309): she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me. (708): Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you. http://tfl.nu/his2
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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  (262): Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell. http://tfl.nu/5ggd
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.

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  (312): I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other. http://tfl.nu/w5qg
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  (619): View more from California

  When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

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  (619): When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward. http://tfl.nu/9nr4
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  (517): View more from Michigan

  if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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  (517): if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy http://tfl.nu/rglc
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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  (419): don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties http://tfl.nu/ivn3
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.

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  (613): You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you. http://tfl.nu/xki1
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  (941): View more from Florida

  He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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  (941): He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward. http://tfl.nu/8plk
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

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  (304): NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME. http://tfl.nu/yb98
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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  (609): it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores http://tfl.nu/lmvr
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

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  (205): High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead. http://tfl.nu/efrd
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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  (609): just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public.... http://tfl.nu/rq3r
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.

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  (519): We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet. http://tfl.nu/qx6i
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (360): View more from Washington

  He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.

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  (360): He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one. http://tfl.nu/lrzn
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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  (860): She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit. http://tfl.nu/aa9j
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science

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  (416): Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science http://tfl.nu/y3kb
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  (218): View more from Minnesota

  Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

  (1-218): View more from Minnesota

  Both?

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  (218): Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants? (1-218): Both? http://tfl.nu/yr9r
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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  (434): She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4 http://tfl.nu/9o7z
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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  (406): I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina http://tfl.nu/3xqs
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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  (719): Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room http://tfl.nu/c34s
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  (406): View more from Montana

  A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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  (406): A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true. http://tfl.nu/azt6
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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  (732): Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve http://tfl.nu/de13
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  (559): View more from California

  Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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  (559): Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10 http://tfl.nu/1xln
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.

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  (317): He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. http://tfl.nu/b8h5
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  (646): View more from New York

  Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom

  (347): View more from New York

  I can't even drink.

  (646): View more from New York

  The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.

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  (646): Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom (347): I can't even drink. (646): The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples. http://tfl.nu/1cwa
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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  (780): After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard. http://tfl.nu/ug22
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  (206): View more from Washington

  he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".

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  (206): he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun". http://tfl.nu/e6oo
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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  (506): my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend http://tfl.nu/ehpb
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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  (614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home

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  (403): If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home http://tfl.nu/j953
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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  (+44): just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown. (+44): before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN http://tfl.nu/72q0
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