Texts From Last Night

summerOfPat's Favorites Texts:

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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

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  (570): Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could." http://tfl.nu/hbr4
  Replies (2) Good night (435) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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  (514): So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much? http://tfl.nu/8ysl
  Replies (7) Good night (1509) Bad night (284) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you

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  (484): Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you http://tfl.nu/s4l7
  Replies (4) Good night (662) Bad night (246)
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  (716): View more from New York

  The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.

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  (716): The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West. http://tfl.nu/935n
  Replies (6) Good night (1033) Bad night (302) Order T-Shirt
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  (580): View more from Oklahoma

  He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

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  (580): He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages. http://tfl.nu/hdcq
  Replies (4) Good night (1552) Bad night (656) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

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  (813): His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up. http://tfl.nu/2dvo
  Replies (1) Good night (2591) Bad night (753)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

  (352): View more from Florida

  And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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  (352): Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye. (352): And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave. http://tfl.nu/f5gq
  Replies (8) Good night (4914) Bad night (953)
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  (914): View more from New York

  Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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  (914): Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face. http://tfl.nu/vgja
  Replies (12) Good night (3295) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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  (603): Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final. http://tfl.nu/2gn0
  Replies (7) Good night (2482) Bad night (516) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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  (513): Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done? http://tfl.nu/t5qr
  Replies (13) Good night (2683) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
  Replies (127) Good night (127096) Bad night (2832) Order T-Shirt
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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  (312): I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4. http://tfl.nu/sr4z
  Replies (383) Good night (128405) Bad night (4046) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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  (949): Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you. http://tfl.nu/q3ie
  Replies (29) Good night (5001) Bad night (791)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.

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  (678): I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid. http://tfl.nu/e1xm
  Replies (3) Good night (2989) Bad night (665) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

  (1-361): View more from Texas

  Ew! He's just a child!

  (361): View more from Texas

  AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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  (361): I'm okay with corrupting his young mind. (1-361): Ew! He's just a child! (361): AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE. http://tfl.nu/exs0
  Replies (46) Good night (3694) Bad night (1690)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet

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  (920): If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet http://tfl.nu/w7lt
  Replies (3) Good night (1860) Bad night (633) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

  (630): View more from Illinois

  Me toooooo!! Margaritas

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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  (773): Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach (630): Me toooooo!! Margaritas (773): I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good http://tfl.nu/3y14
  Replies (51) Good night (1149) Bad night (3639)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

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  (814): Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge. http://tfl.nu/cbd5
  Replies (2) Good night (663) Bad night (1557) Order T-Shirt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

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  (612): Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze. http://tfl.nu/em9r
  Replies (6) Good night (1937) Bad night (1245) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

  (805): View more from California

  What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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  (818): I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated. (805): What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes. http://tfl.nu/bk6e
  Replies (6) Good night (2820) Bad night (720)
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  (619): View more from California

  Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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  (619): Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit. http://tfl.nu/5rch
  Replies (17) Good night (894) Bad night (3122) Order T-Shirt
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.

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  (765): Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence. http://tfl.nu/7p55
  Replies (7) Good night (1546) Bad night (506) Order T-Shirt
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.

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  (541): Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused. http://tfl.nu/dae0
  Replies (9) Good night (1788) Bad night (608) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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  (206): thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it. http://tfl.nu/8gdu
  Replies (2) Good night (2721) Bad night (652) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends

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  (512): It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends http://tfl.nu/i1vw
  Replies (3) Good night (1650) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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  (601): We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level. http://tfl.nu/1en2
  Replies (12) Good night (3376) Bad night (728) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.

  (1-425): View more from Washington

  No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.

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  (425): I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool. (1-425): No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes. http://tfl.nu/wqbv
  Replies (2) Good night (2287) Bad night (654) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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  (732): yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing" http://tfl.nu/qoaq
  Replies (9) Good night (4169) Bad night (783) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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  (818): I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire http://tfl.nu/rfl8
  Replies (6) Good night (5637) Bad night (595) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?

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  (413): dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions? http://tfl.nu/wa33
  Replies (22) Good night (2489) Bad night (501) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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  (770): Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway. http://tfl.nu/stcx
  Replies (20) Good night (2596) Bad night (843)
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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  (425): Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina? http://tfl.nu/gdbr
  Replies (20) Good night (3794) Bad night (795) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.

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  (484): you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out. http://tfl.nu/twgf
  Replies (3) Good night (1839) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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  (608): I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other http://tfl.nu/go45
  Replies (15) Good night (3257) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

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  (716): i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me http://tfl.nu/peek
  Replies (9) Good night (3314) Bad night (877) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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  (+44): In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent http://tfl.nu/3kq5
  Replies (12) Good night (3598) Bad night (761) Order T-Shirt
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer

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  (519): I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer http://tfl.nu/xxja
  Replies (11) Good night (2584) Bad night (624) Order T-Shirt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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  (413): I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face http://tfl.nu/hkq0
  Replies (5) Good night (2182) Bad night (475) Order T-Shirt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.

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  (361): Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin. http://tfl.nu/3skp
  Replies (2) Good night (1749) Bad night (954) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?

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  (646): why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night? http://tfl.nu/e1cc
  Replies (9) Good night (1398) Bad night (611) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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  (804): My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her. http://tfl.nu/xqm6
  Replies (7) Good night (4818) Bad night (597)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

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  (256): The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE http://tfl.nu/2u36
  Replies (11) Good night (1189) Bad night (2532) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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  (724): His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off. http://tfl.nu/q67j
  Replies (8) Good night (3792) Bad night (892) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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  (716): He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him. http://tfl.nu/aojd
  Replies (10) Good night (2395) Bad night (940) Order T-Shirt
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  (254): View more from Texas

  Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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  (254): Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen." http://tfl.nu/2yxx
  Replies (11) Good night (3949) Bad night (1012) Order T-Shirt
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  (530): View more from California

  It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.

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  (530): It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him. http://tfl.nu/ayo2
  Replies (8) Good night (2284) Bad night (930) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs

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  (732): I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs http://tfl.nu/vyur
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  (315): View more from New York

  See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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  (315): See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday http://tfl.nu/kg71
  Replies (8) Good night (2524) Bad night (1447) Order T-Shirt
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  (210): View more from Texas

  A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.

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  (210): A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day. http://tfl.nu/06c7
  Replies (5) Good night (2611) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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  (770): To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present. http://tfl.nu/n1ow
  Replies (8) Good night (764) Bad night (2236) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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  (785): Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur". http://tfl.nu/3gb4
  Replies (8) Good night (2348) Bad night (755) Order T-Shirt
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

  (1-707): View more from California

  is that even a sentence?

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  (707): I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina. (1-707): is that even a sentence? http://tfl.nu/j6fd
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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  (732): He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year. http://tfl.nu/lez5
  Replies (27) Good night (2984) Bad night (1082) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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  (515): Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker. http://tfl.nu/28bg
  Replies (18) Good night (6424) Bad night (720) Order T-Shirt
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?

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  (814): so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass? http://tfl.nu/0xyl
  Replies (6) Good night (1168) Bad night (2008) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before

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  (678): Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before http://tfl.nu/x76s
  Replies (9) Good night (889) Bad night (2628) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.

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  (602): Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world. http://tfl.nu/6f3f
  Replies (52) Good night (1252) Bad night (7981) Order T-Shirt
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

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  (414): I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting. http://tfl.nu/tfdu
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.

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  (312): Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture. http://tfl.nu/p8k2
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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  (727): Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago. http://tfl.nu/0eob
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

  (708): View more from Illinois

  Oh Jesus.

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  (219): Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa (708): Oh Jesus. http://tfl.nu/7sg2
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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  (901): Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable http://tfl.nu/jd9a
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  (214): View more from Texas

  The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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  (214): The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become http://tfl.nu/8je0
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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  (215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it http://tfl.nu/0kvz
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

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  (317): We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt http://tfl.nu/hqwl
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

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  (970): There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you? http://tfl.nu/w1xa
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

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  (708): there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again http://tfl.nu/npn0
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

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  (248): sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us. http://tfl.nu/2qw1
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

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  (250): Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment. http://tfl.nu/7c81
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  (707): View more from California

  We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

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  (707): We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE. http://tfl.nu/7oeu
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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  (860): the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real. http://tfl.nu/2bbh
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  (207): View more from Maine

  She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

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  (207): She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks http://tfl.nu/sgso
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

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  (970): I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines http://tfl.nu/icc2
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  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

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  (715): My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either http://tfl.nu/7c24
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  (706): View more from Georgia

  Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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  (706): Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj. http://tfl.nu/1t4c
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.

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  (416): He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner. http://tfl.nu/hs5r
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  (707): View more from California

  And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

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  (707): And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope. http://tfl.nu/sve4
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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  (814): when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged http://tfl.nu/78pb
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?

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  (913): I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name? http://tfl.nu/qxdg
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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  (402): There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win. http://tfl.nu/2dfk
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.

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  (318): Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks. http://tfl.nu/1pi3
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  (954): View more from Florida

  malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away

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  (954): malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away http://tfl.nu/rorw
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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  (336): okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style. http://tfl.nu/uhtz
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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  (604): she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double http://tfl.nu/55xg
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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  (662): He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv. http://tfl.nu/kqij
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  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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  (870): Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask? http://tfl.nu/y41y
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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  (971): I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo? http://tfl.nu/aefb
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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  (734): He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype. http://tfl.nu/lkww
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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  (443): Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest. http://tfl.nu/68lv
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  (516): View more from New York

  Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?

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  (516): Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes? http://tfl.nu/2qmc
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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  (403): When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain? http://tfl.nu/0j3p
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  (760): View more from California

  I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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  (760): I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant. http://tfl.nu/boqw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom

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  (214): Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom http://tfl.nu/1svl
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  we didnt even have break up sex...

  (1-816): View more from Missouri

  you had it for us with someone else...

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  (816): we didnt even have break up sex... (1-816): you had it for us with someone else... http://tfl.nu/e06z
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

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  (832): He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/abxi
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

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  (859): I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out http://tfl.nu/qumr
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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  (443): She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life http://tfl.nu/dd6j
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

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  (250): I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him. http://tfl.nu/wjhp
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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  (832): Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday? http://tfl.nu/ynw6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

  (703): View more from Virginia

  she was in a cheetah costume

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  (703): got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon (703): she was in a cheetah costume http://tfl.nu/slro
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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  (803): Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him http://tfl.nu/31nh
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

  (303): View more from Colorado

  He told her it was international road head day.

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  (720): Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min? (303): He told her it was international road head day. http://tfl.nu/xtw8
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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  (602): Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress. http://tfl.nu/xjnu
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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  (541): my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests http://tfl.nu/dcsh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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  (214): Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever. http://tfl.nu/p67s
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
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  (407): View more from Florida

  i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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  (407): i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star... http://tfl.nu/jbo8
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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  (256): I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him. http://tfl.nu/7zd5
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  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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  (954): STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA http://tfl.nu/oiv6
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  It would be one hovered percent delicioui

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  (815): It would be one hovered percent delicioui http://tfl.nu/wb9b
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  (904): View more from Florida

  You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.

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  (904): You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies. http://tfl.nu/5zb6
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.

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  (405): I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven. http://tfl.nu/4vzm
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  (949): View more from California

  We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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  (949): We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom. http://tfl.nu/b4pt
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  (458): View more from Oregon

  Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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  (458): Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh. http://tfl.nu/m88d
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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  (303): Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;) http://tfl.nu/s5za
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

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  (417): i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings. http://tfl.nu/51gi
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  I'm on that like soy sauce on rice

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  (269): I'm on that like soy sauce on rice http://tfl.nu/53vn
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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  (978): Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween http://tfl.nu/fww2
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  (206): View more from Washington

  On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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  (206): On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on... http://tfl.nu/5u5y
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  (972): View more from Texas

  She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.

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  (972): She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur. http://tfl.nu/j1y3
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

  (301): View more from Maryland

  1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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  (240): so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend (301): 1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps http://tfl.nu/019j
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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  (864): I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was. http://tfl.nu/wo9k
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  bring money and cleavage

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  (978): bring money and cleavage http://tfl.nu/w9ou
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car

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  (803): just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car http://tfl.nu/l192
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.

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  (480): I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral. http://tfl.nu/j7go
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?

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  (734): Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill? http://tfl.nu/7ius
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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  (307): If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them http://tfl.nu/vjhk
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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  (304): So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions http://tfl.nu/qdnz
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.

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  (814): Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis. http://tfl.nu/uw51
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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  (+44): Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/fnbb
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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  (504): I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina. http://tfl.nu/1q7d
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him

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  (608): He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him http://tfl.nu/0tzl
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

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  (602): At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin" http://tfl.nu/p2m1
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  (805): View more from California

  Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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  (805): Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...? http://tfl.nu/0j4d
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  (626): View more from California

  im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.

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  (626): im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again. http://tfl.nu/ai0s
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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  (412): he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with. http://tfl.nu/jmfl
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...

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  (412): Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse... http://tfl.nu/ttob
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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  (313): She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list. http://tfl.nu/ifsp
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  (212): View more from New York

  it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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  (212): it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating http://tfl.nu/p848
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  (209): View more from California

  you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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  (209): you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom... http://tfl.nu/nw55
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

  (1-317): View more from Indiana

  He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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  (317): He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him... (1-317): He's the fucking cop whisperer. http://tfl.nu/3vvt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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  (440): Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little" http://tfl.nu/17w7
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  (210): View more from Texas

  If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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  (210): If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings. http://tfl.nu/8q1l
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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  (417): Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever. http://tfl.nu/md7w
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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  (913): she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me. http://tfl.nu/ey2n
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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  (240): i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark. http://tfl.nu/ophf
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  (306): View more from Saskatchewan

  I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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  (306): I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes' http://tfl.nu/oxkp
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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  (803): He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing. http://tfl.nu/hr4b
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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  (514): maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge http://tfl.nu/8cfm
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