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he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
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