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I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i drank out of a bidet.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
That's intense
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Cold hands, warm shart.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
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