Texts From Last Night

squared's Favorites Texts:

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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview

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  (703): Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview http://tfl.nu/b2rk
  Replies (56) Good night (2902) Bad night (1136) Order T-Shirt
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  (281): View more from Texas

  If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking

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  (281): If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking http://tfl.nu/5ejk
  Replies (24) Good night (3773) Bad night (650) Order T-Shirt
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  (714): View more from California

  we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

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  (714): we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet http://tfl.nu/qhid
  Replies (12) Good night (4280) Bad night (1198) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.

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  (720): the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom. http://tfl.nu/h1iv
  Replies (13) Good night (735) Bad night (3217) Order T-Shirt
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

  (1-260): View more from Indiana

  what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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  (260): dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian? (1-260): what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing http://tfl.nu/axih
  Replies (51) Good night (17880) Bad night (1084)
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  (917): View more from New York City

  just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

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  (917): just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect. http://tfl.nu/17qr
  Replies (23) Good night (6190) Bad night (547) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

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  (508): we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos. http://tfl.nu/o4i1
  Replies (25) Good night (3217) Bad night (797) Order T-Shirt
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.

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  (301): Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto. http://tfl.nu/y1gd
  Replies (30) Good night (3714) Bad night (689) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli

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  (313): her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli http://tfl.nu/6z4f
  Replies (42) Good night (720) Bad night (4960) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

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  (954): Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it. http://tfl.nu/slzd
  Replies (19) Good night (1462) Bad night (3760) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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  (513): I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration http://tfl.nu/y2rq
  Replies (20) Good night (1602) Bad night (2433) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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  (585): please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad. http://tfl.nu/8fn1
  Replies (68) Good night (11804) Bad night (2711)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
  Replies (8) Good night (1328) Bad night (2996) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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  (425): her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle. http://tfl.nu/baj8
  Replies (52) Good night (2178) Bad night (7716) Order T-Shirt
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.

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  (484): i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/ovq6
  Replies (55) Good night (799) Bad night (4356) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

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  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
  Replies (11) Good night (6336) Bad night (1839) Order T-Shirt
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

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  (832): I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store. http://tfl.nu/hql1
  Replies (14) Good night (1264) Bad night (423) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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  (971): I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa. http://tfl.nu/0b4p
  Replies (28) Good night (5624) Bad night (1554) Order T-Shirt
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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  (803): You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo http://tfl.nu/7wt5
  Replies (35) Good night (3930) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (813): View more from Florida

  I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.

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  (813): I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came. http://tfl.nu/sa7y
  Replies (30) Good night (7018) Bad night (794) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone

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  (609): He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone http://tfl.nu/qd6w
  Replies (31) Good night (2165) Bad night (695) Order T-Shirt
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Tell him ill love him long time

  (1-773): View more from Illinois

  I'll assure him of it

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  (773): Tell him ill love him long time (1-773): I'll assure him of it http://tfl.nu/0jov
  Replies (3) Good night (1425) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?

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  (904): So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer? http://tfl.nu/mn6g
  Replies (14) Good night (5372) Bad night (1598) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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  (443): She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life http://tfl.nu/dd6j
  Replies (16) Good night (4537) Bad night (660) Order T-Shirt
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  He likes Jesus. Game over.

  (804): View more from Virginia

  Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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  (804): He likes Jesus. Game over. (804): Oooh wait, he just told me he was high. http://tfl.nu/lcdj
  Replies (14) Good night (4732) Bad night (1331)
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.

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  (501): fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka. http://tfl.nu/5hpm
  Replies (44) Good night (3558) Bad night (443) Order T-Shirt
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions

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  (812): So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions http://tfl.nu/7b2z
  Replies (14) Good night (2462) Bad night (598) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'

  (708): View more from Illinois

  such a stalker...

  (248): View more from Michigan

  she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.

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  (248): I prefer the term 'tenderly watching' (708): such a stalker... (248): she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet. http://tfl.nu/m7cj
  Replies (2) Good night (1232) Bad night (759)
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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  (513): Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything. http://tfl.nu/e1ys
  Replies (84) Good night (1829) Bad night (6656) Order T-Shirt
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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  (404): He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful. http://tfl.nu/q2qd
  Replies (22) Good night (9361) Bad night (878)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

  (415): View more from California

  Why?

  (206): View more from Washington

  Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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  (206): My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now. (415): Why? (206): Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch. http://tfl.nu/7w51
  Replies (15) Good night (1588) Bad night (4161)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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  (419): I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl. http://tfl.nu/cxal
  Replies (23) Good night (1403) Bad night (1075) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

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  (703): So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh? http://tfl.nu/suo6
  Replies (34) Good night (964) Bad night (4792)
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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  (970): And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out http://tfl.nu/oush
  Replies (12) Good night (5999) Bad night (880) Order T-Shirt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.

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  (202): After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half. http://tfl.nu/vjgb
  Replies (9) Good night (2517) Bad night (860) Order T-Shirt
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  (972): View more from Texas

  You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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  (972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l
  Replies (21) Good night (11342) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?

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  (778): i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea? http://tfl.nu/q7z7
  Replies (44) Good night (3667) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (563): View more from Iowa

  whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.

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  (563): whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend. http://tfl.nu/jypi
  Replies (72) Good night (5114) Bad night (544) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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  (401): do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well http://tfl.nu/8t7l
  Replies (7) Good night (962) Bad night (3359) Order T-Shirt
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER

  (1-641): View more from Iowa

  STOP listening to that song

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  (641): FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER (1-641): STOP listening to that song http://tfl.nu/q2fx
  Replies (78) Good night (5128) Bad night (830) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town

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  (757): Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town http://tfl.nu/mvuo
  Replies (39) Good night (6646) Bad night (734) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants

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  (619): We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants http://tfl.nu/owqu
  Replies (15) Good night (7512) Bad night (601) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now

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  (845): i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now http://tfl.nu/aait
  Replies (14) Good night (956) Bad night (1458) Order T-Shirt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues

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  (917): you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues http://tfl.nu/bwbh
  Replies (7) Good night (4525) Bad night (983) Order T-Shirt
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

  (1-480): View more from Arizona

  Do I even want to know?

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  (480): My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend. (1-480): Do I even want to know? http://tfl.nu/wopv
  Replies (28) Good night (4425) Bad night (1609) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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  (860): is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me? http://tfl.nu/7vt8
  Replies (19) Good night (4656) Bad night (1028) Order T-Shirt
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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  (920): I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with. http://tfl.nu/q53z
  Replies (29) Good night (1339) Bad night (1754)
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
  Replies (31) Good night (11835) Bad night (1123) Order T-Shirt
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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  (321): We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck. http://tfl.nu/5f0o
  Replies (24) Good night (9726) Bad night (1858)
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  (818): View more from California

  to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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  (818): to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people http://tfl.nu/ib6w
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.

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  (440): she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2. http://tfl.nu/9o14
  Replies (140) Good night (741) Bad night (5786) Order T-Shirt
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.

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  (937): I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/skfa
  Replies (8) Good night (3736) Bad night (682) Order T-Shirt
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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  (216): she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm" http://tfl.nu/ofag
  Replies (20) Good night (4503) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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  (847): Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden? http://tfl.nu/x4ab
  Replies (111) Good night (12195) Bad night (1310) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  his personality makes his face look like an asshole.

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  (360): his personality makes his face look like an asshole. http://tfl.nu/0gwl
  Replies (14) Good night (718) Bad night (3013) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

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  (215): i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go http://tfl.nu/3dxd
  Replies (8) Good night (6771) Bad night (739)
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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  (807): he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants http://tfl.nu/ed98
  Replies (12) Good night (1654) Bad night (5564) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.

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  (727): She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. http://tfl.nu/rrn9
  Replies (117) Good night (2986) Bad night (11684)
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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  (314): the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier. http://tfl.nu/vyfv
  Replies (6) Good night (4046) Bad night (1048) Order T-Shirt
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  (415): View more from California

  Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.

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  (415): Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that. http://tfl.nu/ab18
  Replies (30) Good night (3655) Bad night (749) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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  (586): I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business. http://tfl.nu/ppsa
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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  (608): sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself. http://tfl.nu/6c7w
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  (415): View more from California

  She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.

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  (415): She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver. http://tfl.nu/1xbw
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  (805): View more from California

  guess who came home with a hottie last night

  (1-805): View more from California

  Def drugged

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  (805): guess who came home with a hottie last night (1-805): Def drugged http://tfl.nu/j05c
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.

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  (828): you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas. http://tfl.nu/fgpp
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  (626): View more from California

  Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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  (626): Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess. http://tfl.nu/higf
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  (716): View more from New York

  Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera

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  (716): Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera http://tfl.nu/ouai
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones

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  (416): i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones http://tfl.nu/stex
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  (916): View more from California

  Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice

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  (916): Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice http://tfl.nu/ob9j
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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  (617): creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack. http://tfl.nu/jtst
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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  (317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar http://tfl.nu/plcg
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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  (612): at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them http://tfl.nu/fxji
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

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  (503): my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal" http://tfl.nu/pkcw
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Just cropdusted the office

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  (443): Just cropdusted the office http://tfl.nu/i6zb
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

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  (775): Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk. (504): Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera. http://tfl.nu/hakn
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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  (732): I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked. http://tfl.nu/sxfw
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  (619): View more from California

  My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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  (619): My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can. http://tfl.nu/8tit
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.

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  (910): We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works. http://tfl.nu/uib3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

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  (301): There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting http://tfl.nu/c2mi
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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  (814): We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad. http://tfl.nu/0kg4
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars

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  (973): this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg (1-973): gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something? (973): yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars http://tfl.nu/7tyz
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  (214): View more from Texas

  i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"

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  (214): i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat" http://tfl.nu/yhqk
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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  (208): My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat. http://tfl.nu/4rv6
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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  (231): you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob. http://tfl.nu/xbl2
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  (415): View more from California

  Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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  (415): Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up http://tfl.nu/w3uw
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.

  (1-613): View more from Ontario

  We are no longer friends.

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  (613): New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands. (1-613): We are no longer friends. http://tfl.nu/wlk1
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.

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  (917): Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit. http://tfl.nu/4xb1
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  (707): View more from California

  he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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  (707): he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting http://tfl.nu/k7m6
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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  (931): Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person. http://tfl.nu/od1c
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined

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  (301): I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined http://tfl.nu/iip9
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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  (815): He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already. http://tfl.nu/j86y
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips

  (515): View more from Iowa

  there is no god

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  (515): I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips (515): there is no god http://tfl.nu/6fwr
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?

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  (704): We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You? http://tfl.nu/j4cx
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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  (301): look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship. http://tfl.nu/j0tt
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  (361): View more from Texas

  At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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  (361): At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now? http://tfl.nu/lbi5
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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  (301): Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort. http://tfl.nu/ivbh
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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  (613): She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard". (202): Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded. http://tfl.nu/4upv
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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  (301): It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form http://tfl.nu/mrkk
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  (662): View more from Mississippi

  Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.

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  (662): Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45. http://tfl.nu/maq6
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves

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  (503): I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves http://tfl.nu/4g59
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

  (913): View more from Kansas

  did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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  (410): i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude" (913): did you yell "are you not entertained?" http://tfl.nu/qa0j
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

  (1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

  You need to find a taint.

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  (724): I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between. (1-724): You need to find a taint. http://tfl.nu/752x
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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  (720): You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset. http://tfl.nu/s72o
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  (516): View more from New York

  The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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  (516): The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina". http://tfl.nu/tnih
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.

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  (763): Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault. http://tfl.nu/lznh
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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  (314): I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old. http://tfl.nu/qc6x
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  (631): View more from New York

  meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.

  (516): View more from New York

  wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!

  (631): View more from New York

  aww shit wrong text.

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  (631): meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins. (516): wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?! (631): aww shit wrong text. http://tfl.nu/e9a5
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

  (1-262): View more from Wisconsin

  bitch

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  (262): dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five (1-262): bitch http://tfl.nu/m1tn
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.

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  (404): Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that. http://tfl.nu/0caw
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  (518): View more from New York

  Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face

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  (518): Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face http://tfl.nu/t4mk
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  (323): View more from California

  this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

  (765): View more from Indiana

  call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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  (323): this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude (765): call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing http://tfl.nu/wjo2
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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  (678): The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic. http://tfl.nu/0ai8
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  (323): View more from California

  Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?

  (1-323): View more from California

  We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?

  (323): View more from California

  Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.

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  (323): Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender? (1-323): We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out? (323): Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture. http://tfl.nu/sr23
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.

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  (704): You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass. http://tfl.nu/jig4
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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  (202): I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking." http://tfl.nu/oftj
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.

  (703): View more from Virginia

  mine is 'the'.

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  (202): so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'. (703): mine is 'the'. http://tfl.nu/v1g1
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  (718): View more from New York

  He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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  (718): He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter. http://tfl.nu/o453
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  (831): View more from California

  theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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  (831): theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it http://tfl.nu/8kg8
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  (954): View more from Florida

  We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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  (954): We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers. http://tfl.nu/9jml
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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  (205): i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail. http://tfl.nu/mxx0
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  (909): View more from California

  grandma shit on top of the toilet

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  (909): grandma shit on top of the toilet http://tfl.nu/v03m
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

  (1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

  he should get drunk with us

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  (610): walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant (1-610): he should get drunk with us http://tfl.nu/datt
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  (916): View more from California

  day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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  (916): day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/5c0j
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  (716): View more from New York

  i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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  (716): i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts http://tfl.nu/g5xn
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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  (816): normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me http://tfl.nu/ze3z
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  class

  (574): View more from Indiana

  he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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  (574): some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous (1-574): class (574): he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson http://tfl.nu/2w68
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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  (651): By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/hsj3
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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  (216): normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures http://tfl.nu/psn6
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.

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  (773): Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys. http://tfl.nu/g51j
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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  (330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people. http://tfl.nu/iaht
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  (406): View more from Montana

  I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.

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  (406): I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea. http://tfl.nu/bq8d
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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  (502): The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!" http://tfl.nu/u8jk
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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  (402): Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma http://tfl.nu/lc92
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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  (773): I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do. http://tfl.nu/ja9q
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  (516): View more from New York

  Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

  (1-516): View more from New York

  True life - we need to smoke together more often

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  (516): Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters. (1-516): True life - we need to smoke together more often http://tfl.nu/s2bm
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

  (443): View more from Maryland

  So glad I found your sister.

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  (240): There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find. (443): So glad I found your sister. http://tfl.nu/p3yp
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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  (301): the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst" http://tfl.nu/u5av
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Get out now.

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  (301): If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me? (513): Get out now. http://tfl.nu/w3kk
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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  (301): i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test http://tfl.nu/616n
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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  (202): He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!" http://tfl.nu/yfbj
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

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  (703): Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates. http://tfl.nu/cs1d
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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  (641): I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting. http://tfl.nu/pz3u
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  (917): View more from New York City

  you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

  (720): View more from Colorado

  ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

  (917): View more from New York City

  no it doesn't.

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  (917): you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere. (720): ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning... (917): no it doesn't. http://tfl.nu/6x89
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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  (414): I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay. http://tfl.nu/pwts
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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  (702): I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad. http://tfl.nu/4uh2
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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  (918): i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses. http://tfl.nu/hs1z
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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  (202): he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love http://tfl.nu/m0fg
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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  (503): The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck http://tfl.nu/nvzw
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.

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  (312): Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face. http://tfl.nu/6ki2
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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  (503): we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass. http://tfl.nu/xi9h
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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  (717): This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be http://tfl.nu/0ihg
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
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  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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  (312): She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her http://tfl.nu/ua6n
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  (530): View more from California

  He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.

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  (530): He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me. http://tfl.nu/h0f1
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  toast her oven

  (1-248): View more from Michigan

  toast her strudel

  (248): View more from Michigan

  inspect her gadget

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  (248): toast her oven (1-248): toast her strudel (248): inspect her gadget http://tfl.nu/ri0n
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Christians are straight up FREAKS

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  (248): Christians are straight up FREAKS http://tfl.nu/h2ff
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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  (516): I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen http://tfl.nu/keq8
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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  (312): This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/7nbz
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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  (908): My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated. http://tfl.nu/0c6p
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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  (978): so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo http://tfl.nu/rg6x
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  That's why Kanye is a gay fish.

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  (606): That's why Kanye is a gay fish. http://tfl.nu/hy3e
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate

  (415): View more from California

  i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube

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  (702): chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate (415): i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube http://tfl.nu/nhs2
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  (979): View more from Texas

  so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.

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  (979): so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together. http://tfl.nu/dxc5
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Why does Jon Cryer have a career?

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  That is a good question.

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  (860): Why does Jon Cryer have a career? (1-860): That is a good question. http://tfl.nu/v28q
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to

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  (507): drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to http://tfl.nu/z3ca
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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  (904): i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school http://tfl.nu/ysoe
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.

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  (606): I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped. http://tfl.nu/y7kh
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  (562): View more from California

  he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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  (562): he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8. http://tfl.nu/qal7
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex

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  (412): I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex http://tfl.nu/na8l
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  (904): View more from Florida

  i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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  (904): i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall http://tfl.nu/fpdq
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend

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  (301): i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend http://tfl.nu/2pir
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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  (319): In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums. http://tfl.nu/weac
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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  (970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar. (303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick. http://tfl.nu/w6wy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  what if I'm pregnant?

  (848): View more from New Jersey

  smusmorshion

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  (908): what if I'm pregnant? (848): smusmorshion http://tfl.nu/vksj
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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  (303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

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  (908): i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it. http://tfl.nu/dy81
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  (310): View more from California

  Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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  (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars. http://tfl.nu/7ljv
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Previous statement retracted.

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  (864): If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay. (828): Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner (864): Previous statement retracted. http://tfl.nu/e7pe
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  what does that even mean?

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.

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  (610): yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night. (215): what does that even mean? (610): you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life. http://tfl.nu/owon
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
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  (310): View more from California

  that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something

  (818): View more from California

  its my fault though, i'm wearing tights

  (310): View more from California

  you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap

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  (310): that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something (818): its my fault though, i'm wearing tights (310): you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap http://tfl.nu/15rb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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  (617): Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way. http://tfl.nu/5f04
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  (646): View more from New York

  So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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  (646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit." http://tfl.nu/5gls
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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  (719): Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you. http://tfl.nu/04eg
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
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  (806): View more from Texas

  at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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  (806): at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap. http://tfl.nu/nba1
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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  (615): all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia. http://tfl.nu/zayo
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g

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  (508): There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g http://tfl.nu/5ffp
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.

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  (402): South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch. http://tfl.nu/xhps
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"

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  (774): I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile" http://tfl.nu/3hji
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  (858): View more from California

  God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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  (858): God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext http://tfl.nu/49np
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.

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  (847): i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick. http://tfl.nu/gssh
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.

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  (678): his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him. http://tfl.nu/quex
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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  (641): Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that. http://tfl.nu/2jzp
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  (207): View more from Maine

  I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  We call that spaghetti Os

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  (207): I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it (617): We call that spaghetti Os http://tfl.nu/dgrn
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.

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  (519): and by charming I mean he has a horse cock. http://tfl.nu/nr21
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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  (704): see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it http://tfl.nu/o2df
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  (308): View more from Nebraska

  What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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  (308): What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts? http://tfl.nu/w182
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  We got so high we made milksteak

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  (250): We got so high we made milksteak http://tfl.nu/iyv5
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  (818): View more from California

  Jake died.

  (310): View more from California

  WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

  (818): View more from California

  Oops typo. Jake cried.

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  (818): Jake died. (310): WTF????????? That's how you tell me???? (818): Oops typo. Jake cried. http://tfl.nu/zib8
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?

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  (802): Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase? http://tfl.nu/m4dc
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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  (614): if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle? (1-614): i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you. http://tfl.nu/6cnp
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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  (217): Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997 http://tfl.nu/gfc1
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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  (708): youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer http://tfl.nu/xxdd
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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  (507): She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart... http://tfl.nu/kgd9
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  (+31): View more from The Netherlands

  No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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  (+31): No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam. http://tfl.nu/gz4d
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?

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  (651): Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women? http://tfl.nu/yufj
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  (469): View more from Texas

  I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

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  (469): I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra... http://tfl.nu/hira
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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  (256): I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with. http://tfl.nu/f7yk
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  (516): View more from New York

  I hate all girls vehemently.

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  (516): I hate all girls vehemently. http://tfl.nu/rhf8
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  (408): View more from California

  My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable

  (818): View more from California

  Freshman in high school? Just your type

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  (408): My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable (818): Freshman in high school? Just your type http://tfl.nu/e4aq
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

  (719): View more from Colorado

  she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  are you serious?

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  (414): i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it. (719): she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her. (414): are you serious? http://tfl.nu/esul
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  (845): View more from New York

  I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.

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  (845): I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News. http://tfl.nu/qk7t
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

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  (513): ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME http://tfl.nu/92a7
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  (716): View more from New York

  fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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  (716): fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans http://tfl.nu/906w
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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  (405): i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it. (1-405): i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. " http://tfl.nu/mvrv
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  (979): View more from Texas

  We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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  (979): We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it. http://tfl.nu/1cxu
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  (347): View more from New York

  sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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  (347): sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things. http://tfl.nu/13io
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  (305): View more from Florida

  He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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  (305): He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys. http://tfl.nu/g37d
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

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  (419): All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS http://tfl.nu/2lvs
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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  (814): What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners." (423): Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A. (814): No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay. http://tfl.nu/o5wb
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.

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  (425): Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars. http://tfl.nu/v0mr
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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  (614): If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people http://tfl.nu/avir
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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  (609): His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me. http://tfl.nu/x400
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.

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  (504): Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows. http://tfl.nu/ltb0
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  (718): View more from New York

  Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."

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  (718): Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom." http://tfl.nu/h2e6
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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  (410): Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch. http://tfl.nu/9tc4
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"

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  (402): They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman" http://tfl.nu/zber
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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  (847): On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity. http://tfl.nu/th3j
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it

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  (443): he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it http://tfl.nu/sa3y
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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  (541): If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs? http://tfl.nu/k19f
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  (830): View more from Texas

  If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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  (830): If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice http://tfl.nu/5b32
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  (972): View more from Texas

  they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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  (972): they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE! http://tfl.nu/deur
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Fuck I'm high.

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  (908): Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles. (908): Fuck I'm high. http://tfl.nu/titc
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"

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  (917): I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people" http://tfl.nu/5d9d
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  (219): View more from Indiana

  I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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  (219): I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives. http://tfl.nu/v9m4
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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  (502): Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high http://tfl.nu/lasc
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  (831): View more from California

  Hey, what are you up to?

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

  (802): View more from Vermont

  Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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  (831): Hey, what are you up to? (802): Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds. (802): Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard. http://tfl.nu/ope5
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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  (609): i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt http://tfl.nu/t4r8
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids

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  (419): I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids http://tfl.nu/0arl
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  (253): View more from Washington

  I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.

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  (253): I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby. http://tfl.nu/itl7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face

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  (202): just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while (202): woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face http://tfl.nu/fujm
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job

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  (856): Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job http://tfl.nu/pld4
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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  (860): he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape (617): wtf, did you fuck a retard?! http://tfl.nu/q1iv
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

  (1-440): View more from Ohio

  please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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  (440): I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee (1-440): please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation http://tfl.nu/gydk
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  safety first

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  (763): she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle (612): safety first http://tfl.nu/lbuo
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.

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  (508): she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her. http://tfl.nu/2xab
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  (641): View more from Iowa

  are you wasted or are you getting laid?

  (515): View more from Iowa

  ebdebdebdebd

  (641): View more from Iowa

  wow

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  (641): are you wasted or are you getting laid? (515): ebdebdebdebd (641): wow http://tfl.nu/m3dh
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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  (540): I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse. http://tfl.nu/5mjb
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