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You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Even my vagina gasped.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Hippo gnu deer
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
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