Texts From Last Night · some1sboo's Favorites

some1sboo's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

Fav 18 4413 1103
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

Fav 5 1891 735
share tweet

(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

Fav 7 2970 885
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Fav 5 903 1131
share tweet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

Fav 9 3563 896
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

Fav 7 2625 850
share tweet

(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

Fav 6 845 1632
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.

Fav 7 708 2008
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive

Fav 9 2382 999
share tweet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(419): View more from Ohio

All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS

Fav 17 4365 2323
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15144 3442
share tweet

(757): View more from Virginia

I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.

Fav 5 2220 1005
share tweet

(330): View more from Ohio

Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

Fav 12 1936 856
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS

Fav 7 2103 811
share tweet

(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

Fav 8 2090 1099
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth

Fav 0 1121 812
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back

Fav 5 1095 600
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

Fav 12 2942 875
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.

Fav 2 1262 763
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.

Fav 32 3441 1140
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.

(847): View more from Illinois

I don't even know what to say right now

Fav 6 1400 875
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"

Fav 12 2846 1290
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.

Fav 6 1362 727
share tweet
(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

Fav 14 4445 1314
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

Fav 20 5657 1378
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best

Fav 6 1954 1015
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"

Fav 33 7216 1612
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

Fav 33 3471 1150
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

Fav 9 5067 1333
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

Fav 19 3048 1764
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"

(785): View more from Kansas

you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?

Fav 37 1238 4033
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.

Fav 21 1769 2709
share tweet
(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

Fav 8 1543 981
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.

Fav 12 2498 1472
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Fav 1 2268 805
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

Fav 7 3325 934
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

Fav 14 8054 1244
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.

Fav 25 4808 3027
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

Fav 5 1893 1060
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

Fav 4 1212 1258
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

Fav 13 1033 1912
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

(906): View more from Michigan

Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

Fav 1 1662 807
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

Fav 6 2211 1015
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.

Fav 9 3440 945
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

Fav 18 4166 1121
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

Fav 4 2507 955
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends

Fav 3 1348 725
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

Fav 9 3333 1298
share tweet
(415): View more from California

did we hook up?

(925): View more from California

no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

Fav 30 1252 6720
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

Fav 16 5194 1370
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"

Fav 9 3420 1480
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

Fav 13 5824 2209
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...

Fav 36 2920 1020
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

Fav 5 2551 892
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.

Fav 3 2445 829
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

It was kinda weird being the boss

(1-540): View more from Virginia

Did you feel like Tony Danza?

Fav 1 1973 903
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

Fav 6 5733 1268
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at

Fav 5 2121 815
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

Fav 5 4419 1114
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.

Fav 23 5930 1178
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.

Fav 88 5691 1069
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

Fav 6 1386 2029
share tweet
(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

Fav 17 5681 1154
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?

Fav 8 2577 794
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.

Fav 21 3027 941
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

Fav 6 2374 910
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte

Fav 3 1480 918
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Except even better, boobs get discounts.

Fav 11 2271 740
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

Fav 11 3603 938
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

Fav 6 848 1754
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

Fav 25 2109 1221
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

Fav 4 3557 936
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

Fav 7 3296 1656
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.

Fav 121 7225 1382
share tweet
(650): View more from California

i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.

Fav 44 1551 4222
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

Fav 58 27722 1893
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex

(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy

Fav 16 2943 1234
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3505 1058
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

Fav 29 4164 1018
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

Fav 12 3625 1141
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

Fav 7 3427 1011
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

Fav 26 4061 978
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

Fav 4 1610 1341
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

Fav 6 3741 1198
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

Fav 6 3622 967
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

Fav 47 3895 1088
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

my cup is half full, half full of rum.

Fav 11 5664 1182
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.

Fav 33 978 5862
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

Fav 7 4378 1091
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.

Fav 11 3210 863
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

Fav 18 5708 1315
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.

Fav 2 1388 840
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

Fav 13 3942 1725
share tweet
(661): View more from California

May God have mercy on my new vibrator.

Fav 98 8804 1342
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

Fav 15 7816 2210
share tweet
(925): View more from California

im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?

Fav 65 5349 1795
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

Fav 17 4805 909
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

Fav 45 5880 1008
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.

Fav 2 1087 2219
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.

Fav 11 4075 1012
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7787 1512
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

Fav 14 7180 1362
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase

Fav 13 3793 1149
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

Fav 9 1750 4811
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.

Fav 7 2195 947
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet

Fav 3 1608 838
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

Fav 53 8218 1345
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19222 1731
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

Fav 15 6104 1524
share tweet
(714): View more from California

im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

Fav 8 2721 1119
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

Fav 8 4084 914
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.

Fav 25 6125 820
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne

Fav 5 1455 909
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party

Fav 28 5267 983
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...

Fav 23 5278 963
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

Fav 5 1676 1053
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

Fav 1 1742 930
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover

Fav 1 918 1233
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

Fav 25 1612 5759
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

Fav 8 4163 1168
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

Fav 7 5303 1355
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again

Fav 15 4069 1803
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis

Fav 12 945 1381
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?

Fav 6 3816 1737
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16060 1747
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

Fav 6 4813 1394
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities

Fav 10 2807 989
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

Fav 101 35337 4424
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket

Fav 39 3161 1116
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

Fav 10 3605 1539
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

Fav 13 1419 4794
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

Fav 15 5227 1026
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

Fav 23 7729 1002
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

Fav 20 3700 2587
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

Fav 3 3001 1065
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?

Fav 10 3241 1103
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands

(1-510): View more from California

Tgat was the small dick alert

Fav 7 2488 962
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.

Fav 9 3057 874
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

Fav 20 4938 1550
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?

Fav 25 1229 3957
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

Fav 11 4822 1136
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

Fav 20 8743 1449
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

Fav 12 1679 3852
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

Fav 4 4263 1058
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

Fav 7 989 2174
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Hows that studying goin for you?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil

Fav 5 2161 959
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

Fav 4 2909 922
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

Fav 5 2431 921
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.

Fav 35 2011 959
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

Fav 14 3099 1826
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

Fav 58 9169 1273
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.

Fav 131 8242 2543
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control

Fav 24 1484 3770
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

Fav 35 15048 1810
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

Fav 12 7657 1668
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

Fav 69 3925 1097
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.

Fav 37 9742 1572
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.

Fav 17 4762 870
share tweet
(530): View more from California

When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.

Fav 109 1297 3190
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk

Fav 33 4644 1612
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning

Fav 7 1602 886
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

This is the weirdest negotiation ever.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.

Fav 1 2300 872
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

Fav 18 4119 1065
share tweet
(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

Fav 8 3357 769
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

Fav 3 6104 1194
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

Fav 8 5808 1203
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.

Fav 6 1759 846
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

Fav 9 4144 1025
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.

Fav 10 1846 862
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

Fav 4 2415 890
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.

Fav 6 2960 1087
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

Fav 19 11270 1735
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?

Fav 20 5702 874
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

Fav 3 2697 934
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

Fav 3 2237 941
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"

Fav 120 2018 4884
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.

Fav 56 5910 1309
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

Fav 13 1631 4463
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.

Fav 164 9439 1212
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.

Fav 8 4302 1352
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.

Fav 26 3608 1090
share tweet
(909): View more from California

and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....

Fav 7 3901 1202
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"

Fav 19 2734 944
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

Fav 28 7694 1376
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

Fav 11 2328 918
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

Fav 7 3069 973
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up

Fav 26 1378 3224
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

Fav 23 2620 1074
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

Fav 23 6065 1438
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.

Fav 12 1768 3098
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

Fav 12 2828 1204
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

Fav 14 7212 1300
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

Fav 9 3552 942
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

Fav 20 3996 728
share tweet
(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

Fav 19 5497 1719
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

Fav 8 2057 884
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.

Fav 4 2471 851
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?

Fav 17 1711 3681
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

Fav 19 4267 1899
share tweet
(408): View more from California

She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit

(1-408): View more from California

I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards

Fav 9 2046 925
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.

Fav 7 1784 938
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?

Fav 29 5372 1218
share tweet
(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

Fav 11 4951 881
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

Fav 97 45276 2185
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.

Fav 15 2592 895
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

Fav 48 1149 5728
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

Fav 48 1642 1830
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!

Fav 2 1359 947
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.

Fav 20 4759 1278
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"

Fav 12 7415 1181
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

This is evicking siegelnvs

(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry?

(410): View more from Maryland

This is fucking ridiculous*

Fav 13 4192 948
share tweet
(769): View more from Mississippi

she said she likes her vagina punished

(1-769): View more from Mississippi

being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough

Fav 36 2205 7516
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

Fav 14 6687 1327
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

Fav 6 3246 877
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

Fav 4 2460 991
share tweet
(415): View more from California

mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you

Fav 3 2792 828
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted

Fav 7 1240 2058
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

Fav 8 3232 985
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?

Fav 10 930 1496
share tweet
(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

Fav 62 10225 1269
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

Fav 1 2948 921
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

Fav 13 1736 9110
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

Fav 67 1952 9157
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?

Fav 26 1120 3972
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

Fav 9 3054 1517
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

Fav 4 2622 875
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.

(812): View more from Indiana

and...?

(936): View more from Texas

I told him it was alright.

Fav 28 4326 6051
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Fav 30 1651 10591
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

Fav 7 3877 1349
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

Fav 17 4955 1558
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37314 1623
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.

Fav 14 5173 1022
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..

Fav 30 3650 2527
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

Fav 6 4375 1100
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

Fav 41 8707 1716
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?

Fav 50 965 6220
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

Fav 39 6205 1146
share tweet
(416): View more from Ontario

dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross

(647): View more from Ontario

well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun

Fav 12 1171 3914
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

Fav 16 2711 1040
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

Fav 40 11852 1594
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4813 1357
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

dollar beers will do that to you.

Fav 26 2927 850
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

Fav 13 5794 1923
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

Fav 20 7083 1207
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

Fav 413 27017 4048
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

Fav 20 5301 1315
share tweet
(916): View more from California

i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

Fav 50 8167 1208
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!

Fav 62 6950 1071
share tweet
(442): View more from California

seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong

Fav 16 1943 3972
share tweet
(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

Fav 24 8602 1399
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we were pretty classy up until the second keg

Fav 12 4854 981
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

Fav 34 13462 1377
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

Fav 10 3052 1314
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?

Fav 119 1288 5627
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"

Fav 25 3836 1544
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

Fav 14 2011 4894
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.

Fav 32 8982 1291
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7476 1281
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

Fav 18 1543 2093
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.

Fav 12 1536 794
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.

Fav 11 3028 1450
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.

Fav 7 1954 878
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.

(443): View more from Maryland

YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?

Fav 14 4596 1034
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

Fav 10 4943 1710
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

Fav 5 1729 1291
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.

Fav 19 1072 2031
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

Fav 13 4030 961
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk

Fav 6 2506 941
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

Fav 32 2199 6306
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

Fav 51 17985 2068
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

Fav 47 5557 1094
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?

Fav 19 4762 1040
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

Fav 22 1190 3542
share tweet