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I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
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