shisk7's Favorites Texts:

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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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  (321): I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident. http://tfl.nu/j6a8
  Replies (6) Good night (4351) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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  (516): He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes. http://tfl.nu/agxg
  Replies (14) Good night (1136) Bad night (4319) Order T-Shirt
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  (360): View more from Washington

  Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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  (360): Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall. http://tfl.nu/7ndl
  Replies (3) Good night (3395) Bad night (1212) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

  (1-318): View more from Louisiana

  what?how do you know?

  (318): View more from Louisiana

  it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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  (318): i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday.. (1-318): what?how do you know? (318): it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet. http://tfl.nu/gg1h
  Replies (10) Good night (1179) Bad night (4535)
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  (718): View more from New York

  it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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  (718): it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store http://tfl.nu/b87c
  Replies (8) Good night (4535) Bad night (769) Order T-Shirt
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  (214): View more from Texas

  would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry

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  (214): would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry http://tfl.nu/l5su
  Replies (40) Good night (5548) Bad night (573) Order T-Shirt
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  (212): View more from New York

  ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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  (212): ??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years. http://tfl.nu/7axl
  Replies (36) Good night (1734) Bad night (808)
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  (661): View more from California

  Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

  (831): View more from California

  Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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  (661): Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC (831): Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown. http://tfl.nu/up2g
  Replies (43) Good night (9926) Bad night (722)
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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  (502): Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat. http://tfl.nu/hdie
  Replies (16) Good night (5582) Bad night (1122) Order T-Shirt
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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  (636): maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention. http://tfl.nu/8c9n
  Replies (14) Good night (1341) Bad night (3076) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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  (315): My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?' http://tfl.nu/x9n6
  Replies (13) Good night (8164) Bad night (1201) Order T-Shirt
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  (718): View more from New York

  Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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  (718): Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much. http://tfl.nu/absj
  Replies (15) Good night (5486) Bad night (1570) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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  (610): Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted http://tfl.nu/q55a
  Replies (11) Good night (5393) Bad night (2068) Order T-Shirt
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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  (913): It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason... http://tfl.nu/n9s7
  Replies (17) Good night (5059) Bad night (1781) Order T-Shirt
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  (615): View more from Tennessee

  Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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  (615): Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER? http://tfl.nu/yz8w
  Replies (14) Good night (5388) Bad night (1059) Order T-Shirt
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  (585): View more from New York

  when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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  (585): when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood http://tfl.nu/vfy0
  Replies (12) Good night (8974) Bad night (1049) Order T-Shirt
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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  (781): So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one....... http://tfl.nu/w37i
  Replies (67) Good night (2492) Bad night (8867) Order T-Shirt
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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  (425): Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight. http://tfl.nu/mywq
  Replies (14) Good night (5463) Bad night (800) Order T-Shirt
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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  (217): Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside http://tfl.nu/d6yu
  Replies (13) Good night (9147) Bad night (864) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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  (608): The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well. http://tfl.nu/1rx6
  Replies (8) Good night (5586) Bad night (744) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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  (949): I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation. http://tfl.nu/uflu
  Replies (4) Good night (3055) Bad night (953) Order T-Shirt
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  (818): View more from California

  i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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  (818): i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign http://tfl.nu/0lhe
  Replies (7) Good night (895) Bad night (4067) Order T-Shirt
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  (318): View more from Louisiana

  I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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  (318): I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now http://tfl.nu/xdsb
  Replies (15) Good night (5425) Bad night (1485) Order T-Shirt
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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  (620): Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night? http://tfl.nu/n9fn
  Replies (35) Good night (1374) Bad night (6558) Order T-Shirt
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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  (416): He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n http://tfl.nu/pe4m
  Replies (21) Good night (11874) Bad night (1010) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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  (443): she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs. http://tfl.nu/nz73
  Replies (13) Good night (7787) Bad night (950) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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  (608): Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard. http://tfl.nu/diwn
  Replies (15) Good night (4433) Bad night (934) Order T-Shirt
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  (213): View more from California

  Her brother is deaf.

  (214): View more from Texas

  no wonder she was so good with her hands

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  (213): Her brother is deaf. (214): no wonder she was so good with her hands http://tfl.nu/zbzq
  Replies (6) Good night (5350) Bad night (845)
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  (620): View more from Kansas

  throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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  (620): throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex http://tfl.nu/5t79
  Replies (17) Good night (5658) Bad night (808) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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  (303): and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster http://tfl.nu/9o1b
  Replies (14) Good night (928) Bad night (3995) Order T-Shirt
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  did u get his digits?

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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  (570): did u get his digits? (201): yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone... http://tfl.nu/pvtx
  Replies (8) Good night (4881) Bad night (829)
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  (817): View more from Texas

  They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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  (817): They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great http://tfl.nu/5yg0
  Replies (8) Good night (1247) Bad night (3328) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

  (540): View more from Virginia

  You guys make me sad

  (703): View more from Virginia

  You misspelled jealous there

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  (703): We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone. (540): You guys make me sad (703): You misspelled jealous there http://tfl.nu/wtst
  Replies (23) Good night (11493) Bad night (1195)
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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  (780): Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man. http://tfl.nu/3qrw
  Replies (8) Good night (4907) Bad night (1732) Order T-Shirt
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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  (816): she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL. http://tfl.nu/ostw
  Replies (16) Good night (6586) Bad night (681) Order T-Shirt
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  (418): View more from Quebec

  You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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  (418): You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry" http://tfl.nu/nwle
  Replies (11) Good night (6724) Bad night (918)
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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  (215): Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home? http://tfl.nu/2ss6
  Replies (29) Good night (5410) Bad night (2096) Order T-Shirt
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

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  (412): Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends.. http://tfl.nu/z85j
  Replies (9) Good night (5025) Bad night (1275) Order T-Shirt
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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  (859): you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do http://tfl.nu/7olq
  Replies (5) Good night (5140) Bad night (1223) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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  (845): You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately. http://tfl.nu/vwdv
  Replies (9) Good night (5473) Bad night (909)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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  (412): I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is. http://tfl.nu/ejf0
  Replies (12) Good night (5003) Bad night (1162) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out

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  (610): omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out http://tfl.nu/5zdd
  Replies (44) Good night (1280) Bad night (4846) Order T-Shirt
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"

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  (304): What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?" http://tfl.nu/r7md
  Replies (12) Good night (3367) Bad night (1264) Order T-Shirt
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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  (513): He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like? http://tfl.nu/ctij
  Replies (17) Good night (4521) Bad night (941) Order T-Shirt
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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  (919): sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer. http://tfl.nu/u6do
  Replies (13) Good night (5943) Bad night (1132) Order T-Shirt
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  (207): View more from Maine

  Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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  (207): Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us. http://tfl.nu/mqg9
  Replies (2) Good night (4074) Bad night (938) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"

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  (347): How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka" http://tfl.nu/7oja
  Replies (6) Good night (4999) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (971): View more from Oregon

  Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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  (971): Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them. http://tfl.nu/y8vc
  Replies (10) Good night (3519) Bad night (1422) Order T-Shirt
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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  (703): just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking. http://tfl.nu/uhxv
  Replies (15) Good night (1490) Bad night (5037) Order T-Shirt
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  (352): View more from Florida

  Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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  (352): Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person. http://tfl.nu/l0db
  Replies (10) Good night (1040) Bad night (3487) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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  (908): can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night http://tfl.nu/eoys
  Replies (16) Good night (1444) Bad night (3881) Order T-Shirt
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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  (303): She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan. http://tfl.nu/jf6q
  Replies (41) Good night (11569) Bad night (1881) Order T-Shirt
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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  (802): just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke! http://tfl.nu/q0f1
  Replies (39) Good night (6880) Bad night (1813) Order T-Shirt
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  (510): View more from California

  Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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  (510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn
  Replies (65) Good night (20498) Bad night (1811) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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  (908): While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you." http://tfl.nu/7a3m
  Replies (55) Good night (26458) Bad night (2253) Order T-Shirt
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  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are are

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

  (631): View more from New York

  Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

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  (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are are (631): Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu (631): Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!! http://tfl.nu/6b8y
  Replies (12) Good night (1006) Bad night (536)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.

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  (214): New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises. http://tfl.nu/b9dr
  Replies (14) Good night (536) Bad night (2627) Order T-Shirt
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

  (515): View more from Iowa

  I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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  (918): Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama. (515): I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott. http://tfl.nu/z2im
  Replies (121) Good night (1526) Bad night (1278)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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  (832): We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College." http://tfl.nu/3hlg
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  (909): View more from California

  The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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  (909): The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling." http://tfl.nu/73er
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  a search helicopter?!

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  (301): a search helicopter?! http://tfl.nu/5l8d
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  (917): View more from New York City

  He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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  (917): He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now http://tfl.nu/4db9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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  (816): That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again http://tfl.nu/xxfj
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome

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  (508): So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again. (1-508): Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years? (508): Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome http://tfl.nu/sfo6
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

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  (812): I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads. http://tfl.nu/xmw8
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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  (574): I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself. http://tfl.nu/2lez
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  (716): View more from New York

  I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

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  (716): I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth. http://tfl.nu/f5s8
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

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  (703): Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days http://tfl.nu/tlow
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!

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  (412): Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it! http://tfl.nu/we6e
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Because men are children

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Touche

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  (832): Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child! (864): Because men are children (832): Touche http://tfl.nu/qtuf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like

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  (757): It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like http://tfl.nu/masc
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  (801): View more from Utah

  so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"

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  (801): so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!" http://tfl.nu/yefk
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  (954): View more from Florida

  Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.

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  (954): Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube. http://tfl.nu/0ubi
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  (925): View more from California

  i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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  (925): i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on http://tfl.nu/khmy
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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  (781): Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster. http://tfl.nu/zgi0
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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  (201): Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs. http://tfl.nu/3fsr
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  (315): View more from New York

  We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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  (315): We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah." http://tfl.nu/z1lt
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  who is this?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  jesse's little brother

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  (612): hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good (651): who is this? (612): jesse's little brother http://tfl.nu/8x0e
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

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  (413): so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up http://tfl.nu/rtem
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  (626): View more from California

  Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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  (626): Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is. http://tfl.nu/41jw
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  (310): View more from California

  I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him

  (310): View more from California

  its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain

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  (310): I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him (310): its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain http://tfl.nu/r69k
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.

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  (919): There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later. http://tfl.nu/ou2j
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  (765): View more from Indiana

  I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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  (765): I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock" http://tfl.nu/hksp
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

  (443): View more from Maryland

  wasted?

  (410): View more from Maryland

  im pocohantasssss

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  (410): can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd (443): wasted? (410): im pocohantasssss http://tfl.nu/gql6
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  (212): View more from New York

  Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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  (212): Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing. http://tfl.nu/tshz
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  (716): View more from New York

  So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.

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  (716): So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it. http://tfl.nu/lnan
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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  (303): Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England http://tfl.nu/wgnu
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen

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  (770): The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen http://tfl.nu/8l9o
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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  (206): He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom http://tfl.nu/tvji
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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  (313): Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink (313): Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver http://tfl.nu/lqre
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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  (801): He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often. http://tfl.nu/6bnz
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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  (603): well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access. http://tfl.nu/o23q
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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  (918): There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters http://tfl.nu/8485
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  (604): View more from British Columbia

  Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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  (604): Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub. http://tfl.nu/91f9
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  (310): View more from California

  So how was last night?

  (1-310): View more from California

  Let's just say I danced with the devil

  (310): View more from California

  Huh?

  (1-310): View more from California

  I'm going to Hell for sure

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  (310) So how was last night? (1-310) Let's just say I danced with the devil (310) Huh? (1-310) I'm going to Hell for sure http://tfl.nu/oh5v
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  (631): View more from New York

  well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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  (631): well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore http://tfl.nu/6gwp
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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  (515): I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson" http://tfl.nu/itij
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  (925): View more from California

  Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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  (925): Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you. http://tfl.nu/15wm
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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  (303): you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you http://tfl.nu/wspo
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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  (913): the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night http://tfl.nu/dx83
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

  (1-859): View more from Kentucky

  im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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  (859): Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean? (1-859): im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle (859): Guys should not giggle. Ever. http://tfl.nu/p9xa
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  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  When are you freeeeeeeeee?

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.

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  (612): When are you freeeeeeeeee? (612): My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome. http://tfl.nu/b5yi
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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  (231): I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers! http://tfl.nu/0unq
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  (845): View more from New York

  alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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  (845): alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization. http://tfl.nu/1m6d
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  (516): View more from New York

  OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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  (516): OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM http://tfl.nu/ckuz
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  (760): View more from California

  I wish they had nachos that got you drunk

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  (760): I wish they had nachos that got you drunk http://tfl.nu/1jvf
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus

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  (727): Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus http://tfl.nu/l3dr
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  (347): View more from New York

  I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

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  (347): I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant http://tfl.nu/amxy
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..

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  (440): you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents.. http://tfl.nu/shss
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time

  (1-763): View more from Minnesota

  Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.

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  (763): So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time (1-763): Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother. http://tfl.nu/6l4l
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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  (917): Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman http://tfl.nu/t3mw
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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  (256): He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front. http://tfl.nu/08qp
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...

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  (501): so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm... http://tfl.nu/bp9a
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  (917): View more from New York City

  omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter

  (310): View more from California

  Whats your twitter name

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  (917): omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter (310): Whats your twitter name http://tfl.nu/jdyv
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  (510): View more from California

  stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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  (510): stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work http://tfl.nu/9l6e
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

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  (931): my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling. http://tfl.nu/ym3n
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  fireball beer pong. youre missing out

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  how is that even possible?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  ove gloves.

  (732): View more from New Jersey

  be there in ten.

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  (908): fireball beer pong. youre missing out (732): how is that even possible? (908): ove gloves. (732): be there in ten. http://tfl.nu/dpvx
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.

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  (703): I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single. http://tfl.nu/3gnr
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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  (503): bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it. http://tfl.nu/wqus
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?

  (913): View more from Kansas

  Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.

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  (913): I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body. (402): Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days? (913): Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm. http://tfl.nu/rpz1
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.

  (240): View more from Maryland

  Why does tequilla always make you text me?

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  (301): You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate. (240): Why does tequilla always make you text me? http://tfl.nu/qeax
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.

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  (314): I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis. http://tfl.nu/ymag
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.

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  (574): pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face. http://tfl.nu/q45o
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it

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  (978): Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it http://tfl.nu/f2y4
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  could be more

  (1-612): View more from Minnesota

  absolutely not

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  (612): Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw (1-612): strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing (612): could be more (1-612): absolutely not http://tfl.nu/n6ii
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  K. On the way. I need a drink.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Like a drink drink or like water?

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Have we met?

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  (601): K. On the way. I need a drink. (904): Like a drink drink or like water? (601): Have we met? http://tfl.nu/ckaw
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
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  (714): View more from California

  My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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  (714): My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win. http://tfl.nu/b8se
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  (716): View more from New York

  He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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  (716): He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready. http://tfl.nu/z83a
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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  (603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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  (305): After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it. http://tfl.nu/d686
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.

  (1-651): View more from Minnesota

  called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.

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  (651): just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot. (1-651): called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck. http://tfl.nu/1omb
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  (631): View more from New York

  This beer is not sobering me up at all

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  (631): This beer is not sobering me up at all http://tfl.nu/2fz8
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  (305): View more from Florida

  i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

  (1-305): View more from Florida

  lets call myth busters

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  (305): i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot (1-305): lets call myth busters http://tfl.nu/n34m
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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  (206): I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner http://tfl.nu/6elk
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  (212): View more from New York

  I'm drive I can fine osifer

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  (212): I'm drive I can fine osifer http://tfl.nu/zjuj
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  (915): View more from Texas

  My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

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  (915): My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!! http://tfl.nu/a7ta
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.

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  (301): roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away. http://tfl.nu/4epj
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  (831): View more from California

  I puked off the balcony.

  (1-831): View more from California

  Not horrible

  (831): View more from California

  Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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  (831): I puked off the balcony. (1-831): Not horrible (831): Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza. http://tfl.nu/7wv6
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  (386): View more from Florida

  Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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  (386): Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately. http://tfl.nu/dyb2
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  (925): View more from California

  You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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  (925): You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman. http://tfl.nu/wynx
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  (+33): View more from France

  On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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  (+33): On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..." http://tfl.nu/o65f
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  (818): View more from California

  I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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  (818): I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder. http://tfl.nu/z8u4
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.

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  (609): Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life. http://tfl.nu/eqwc
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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  (603): did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless. http://tfl.nu/v4st
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  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  Umm you met him three days ago....

  (267): View more from Pennsylvania

  I said what I said

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  (267): We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for (215): Umm you met him three days ago.... (267): I said what I said http://tfl.nu/18h0
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  (931): View more from Tennessee

  is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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  (931): is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl? http://tfl.nu/m6rn
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  (912): View more from Georgia

  I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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  (912): I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days. http://tfl.nu/3yem
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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  (608): you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?" http://tfl.nu/0sa8
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  (631): View more from New York

  You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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  (631): You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows http://tfl.nu/rci2
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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  (717): yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup. http://tfl.nu/otef
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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  (804): I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking http://tfl.nu/lx04
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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  (541): I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression? (815): Quite the contrary. Sophistication. http://tfl.nu/7jsx
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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  (815): Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan http://tfl.nu/827h
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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  (515): theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass http://tfl.nu/ckyi
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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  (202): But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery." http://tfl.nu/8w5e
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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  (740): I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake http://tfl.nu/bl2k
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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  (570): i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something http://tfl.nu/ax1a
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

  (1-973): View more from New Jersey

  wtf

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  (973): yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina (1-973): wtf http://tfl.nu/idhw
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  (925): View more from California

  Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

  (1-925): View more from California

  Yes. Yes it is.

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  (925): Is snow just God skeeting all over the place?? (1-925): Yes. Yes it is. http://tfl.nu/ofba
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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  (231): So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was? http://tfl.nu/e02a
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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  (734): He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another. http://tfl.nu/sx70
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

  (1-256): View more from Alabama

  dude how high are you right now?

  (256): View more from Alabama

  do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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  (256): i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground. (1-256): dude how high are you right now? (256): do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves. http://tfl.nu/7ihc
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage

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  (513): both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage http://tfl.nu/uqc7
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  That's because you are an idiot.

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  (417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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  (570): you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her http://tfl.nu/jaz5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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  (847): i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen. http://tfl.nu/1m72
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (817): View more from Texas

  As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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  (817): As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie. http://tfl.nu/p0o8
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

  (1-913): View more from Kansas

  You're the best girlfriend ever.

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  (913): Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat. (1-913): You're the best girlfriend ever. http://tfl.nu/imen
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  (941): View more from Florida

  I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message

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  (941): I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message http://tfl.nu/pqsm
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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  (202): if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess... http://tfl.nu/v82v
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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  (910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars (910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT http://tfl.nu/70k5
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  (619): View more from California

  She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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  (619): She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something http://tfl.nu/p4oj
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room

  (1-225): View more from Louisiana

  haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?

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  (225): I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room (1-225): haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom? http://tfl.nu/q6me
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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  (440): I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life. http://tfl.nu/cd1e
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  (818): View more from California

  I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.

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  (818): I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here. http://tfl.nu/5v02
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  (646): View more from New York

  ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

  (812): View more from Indiana

  ?

  (646): View more from New York

  Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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  (646): ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE! (812): ? (646): Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that? http://tfl.nu/5o1s
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?

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  (505): so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew? http://tfl.nu/930a
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out

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  (410): a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out http://tfl.nu/89tu
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house

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  (973): i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house http://tfl.nu/qme2
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera

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  (215): I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera http://tfl.nu/ivkx
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  (239): View more from Florida

  I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?

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  (239): I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise? http://tfl.nu/0r1q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

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  (330): Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone http://tfl.nu/esjp
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  (415): View more from California

  I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

  (510): View more from California

  I hope so

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  (415): I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die? (510): I hope so http://tfl.nu/tt2l
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you

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  (617): I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you http://tfl.nu/59jr
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
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  (315): View more from New York

  Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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  (315): Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/13ff
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.

  (313): View more from Michigan

  Something like a penis light saber.

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  (313): They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary. (313): Something like a penis light saber. http://tfl.nu/96lm
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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  (217): What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up http://tfl.nu/ae7w
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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  (727): Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore" http://tfl.nu/cs3y
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."

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  (828): I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke." http://tfl.nu/rseq
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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  (443): i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007 http://tfl.nu/tyl3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

  (1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

  compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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  (814): i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe. (1-814): compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible. http://tfl.nu/koli
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.

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  (205): It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/u0k7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!

  (1-515): View more from Iowa

  Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.

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  (515): Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!! (1-515): Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states. http://tfl.nu/ptk3
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  (079): View more from

  I think we need to take a brake

  (078): View more from

  What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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  (079): I think we need to take a brake (078): What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake' http://tfl.nu/ju32
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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  (217): just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom? http://tfl.nu/rbqh
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame

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  (734): But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame<div>(734): Superlame</div> http://tfl.nu/901l
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  (806): View more from Texas

  You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

  (1-806): View more from Texas

  Best pick-up line ever!

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  (806): You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck." (1-806): Best pick-up line ever! http://tfl.nu/plrf
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  I should injure you considerably.

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  (847): And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so. (1-847): I should injure you considerably. http://tfl.nu/3r9j
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  (506): View more from New Brunswick

  porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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  (506): porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off! http://tfl.nu/nmc3
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  (360): View more from Washington

  If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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  (360): If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever. http://tfl.nu/xm2c
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  (909): View more from California

  You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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  (909): You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish" http://tfl.nu/4kon
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?

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  (301): Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands? http://tfl.nu/6ufe
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just said the magic words

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  (484): We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE. (610): You just said the magic words http://tfl.nu/8k47
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  the vacuum is drunk

  (703): View more from Virginia

  what?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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  (908): the vacuum is drunk (703): what? (908): i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk http://tfl.nu/sgxh
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  (530): View more from California

  I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

  (1-530): View more from California

  fuck. you.

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  (530): I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight. (1-530): fuck. you. http://tfl.nu/1kgv
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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  (316): when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre http://tfl.nu/3hgx
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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  (828): you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie http://tfl.nu/vbyw
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  (813): View more from Florida

  for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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  (813): for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?! http://tfl.nu/r22y
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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  (801): He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face. http://tfl.nu/vz1o
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  (207): View more from Maine

  There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself

  (207): View more from Maine

  OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...

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  (207): There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself (207): OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE (781): Sounds like a good blink 182 concert... http://tfl.nu/nai8
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  (760): View more from California

  when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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  (760): when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice. http://tfl.nu/5xpe
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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  (608): I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay. http://tfl.nu/ttff
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  coke and sex party at dan's

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  im watching greys anatomy with megan...

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  wha-pishhh

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  (973): coke and sex party at dan's (201): im watching greys anatomy with megan... (973): wha-pishhh http://tfl.nu/auvy
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  super hot butfun

  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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  (832): super hot butfun (832): Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make. http://tfl.nu/zsez
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  (951): View more from California

  My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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  (951): My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate? http://tfl.nu/77q7
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I'm half single.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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  (617): I'm half single. (773): Please tell me it's the bottom half. http://tfl.nu/3fsx
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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  (502): Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity http://tfl.nu/qinl
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

  (513): View more from Ohio

  is this your pickup line?

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  (304): my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh (513): is this your pickup line? http://tfl.nu/r4ba
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  (660): View more from Missouri

  THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

  (816): View more from Missouri

  ..So we should take it off Youtube?

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  (660): THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you. (816): ..So we should take it off Youtube? http://tfl.nu/93os
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  (310): View more from California

  do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?

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  (310): do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking? http://tfl.nu/6m2c
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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  (773): I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader. http://tfl.nu/8khu
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.

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  (240): I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll. http://tfl.nu/r0xh
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?

  (1-703): View more from Virginia

  yes

  (703): View more from Virginia

  ... don't judge me

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  (703): i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing? (1-703): yes (703): ... don't judge me http://tfl.nu/twd6
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  (210): View more from Texas

  i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue

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  (210): i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue http://tfl.nu/p7ux
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

  (1-907): View more from Alaska

  Sarah Palin

  (907): View more from Alaska

  god, I love you

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  (907): Tell me the dirtiest joke you know (1-907): Sarah Palin (907): god, I love you http://tfl.nu/fmd4
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  (848): View more from New Jersey

  a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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  (848): a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving http://tfl.nu/nqcq
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  (231): View more from Michigan

  we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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  (231): we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers http://tfl.nu/anad
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  (619): View more from California

  Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!

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  (619): Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant! http://tfl.nu/toiz
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  (713): View more from Texas

  You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin

  (954): View more from Florida

  Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language

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  (713): You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin (954): Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language http://tfl.nu/75up
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  (+47): View more from Norway

  i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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  (+47): i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls http://tfl.nu/1fkx
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  (831): View more from California

  she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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  (831): she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went? http://tfl.nu/99g1
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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  (970): I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that. http://tfl.nu/622i
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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  (541): at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard. http://tfl.nu/6ebl
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown

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  (269): Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown http://tfl.nu/j7bk
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  (310): View more from California

  I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer

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  (310): I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer http://tfl.nu/kzvv
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

  (440): View more from Ohio

  isn't bella the cat???

  (216): View more from Ohio

  that she is

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  (216): bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away (440): isn't bella the cat??? (216): that she is http://tfl.nu/l83t
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Nice meating you last night

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Not a typo

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  (843): Nice meating you last night (843): Not a typo http://tfl.nu/icxk
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  (954): View more from Florida

  you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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  (954): you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now http://tfl.nu/39yk
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

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  (781): i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day (617): but fathers day is next sunday (781): i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet http://tfl.nu/pxvx
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

  (1-269): View more from Michigan

  Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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  (269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!

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  (410): Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!! http://tfl.nu/gjd6
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  (760): View more from California

  My girlfriend figured out who you are.

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  (760): My girlfriend figured out who you are. http://tfl.nu/038w
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  (209): View more from California

  dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

  (1-209): View more from California

  nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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  (209): dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity (1-209): nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all http://tfl.nu/t93h
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

  (1-908): View more from New Jersey

  I'll google it

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  (908): You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time (1-908): I'll google it http://tfl.nu/bsan
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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  (217): The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool. http://tfl.nu/4pl2
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  (310): View more from California

  It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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  (310): It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations http://tfl.nu/cpf7
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  (561): View more from Florida

  I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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  (561): I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?" http://tfl.nu/1qvw
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

  (303): View more from Colorado

  you still have morals?

  (443): View more from Maryland

  Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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  (443): its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike (303): you still have morals? (443): Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole http://tfl.nu/6ecs
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  (217): View more from Illinois

  Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

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  (217): Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights http://tfl.nu/27p8
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  (469): View more from Texas

  you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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  (469): you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator http://tfl.nu/bsby
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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  (773): I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics http://tfl.nu/o0a3
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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  (816): She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit? http://tfl.nu/kt2r
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

  (1-337): View more from Louisiana

  so you admit it was good then??

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  (337): if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600. (1-337): so you admit it was good then?? http://tfl.nu/xl9i
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
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  (561): View more from Florida

  She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'

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  (561): She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS' http://tfl.nu/cd1u
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.

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  (708): I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off. http://tfl.nu/0f1b
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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  (330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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  (305): I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang". http://tfl.nu/9dw0
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  (972): View more from Texas

  I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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  (972): I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that. http://tfl.nu/304s
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  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.

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  (240): You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool. http://tfl.nu/7f4d
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  (585): View more from New York

  bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning

  (1-585): View more from New York

  oh god.. jail?

  (585): View more from New York

  better, on the catwalk of the auditorium

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  (585): bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning (1-585): oh god.. jail? (585): better, on the catwalk of the auditorium http://tfl.nu/ulvj
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.

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  (419): The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song. http://tfl.nu/rv8e
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  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper

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  (780): i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper http://tfl.nu/tn8n
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  What's this douchebags name?

  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Rob...

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  (908): He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!" (973): What's this douchebags name? (908): Rob... http://tfl.nu/raez
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.

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  (860): Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious. http://tfl.nu/hqob
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

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  (937): I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something. http://tfl.nu/k1os
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.

  (951): View more from California

  sound pretty economical

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  (434): Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood. (951): sound pretty economical http://tfl.nu/xtyc
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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  (586): You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared" http://tfl.nu/f1ec
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  (805): View more from California

  peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.

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  (805): peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees. http://tfl.nu/j4sn
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

  (1-781): View more from Massachusetts

  didn't that happen to you last weekend?

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  shut up.

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  (781): i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention. (1-781): didn't that happen to you last weekend? (781): shut up. http://tfl.nu/cv2d
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

  (810): View more from Michigan

  You're 20.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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  (734): So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear. (810): You're 20. (734): IT'S BUILD A BEAR! http://tfl.nu/k2jt
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  (415): View more from California

  Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.

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  (415): Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it. http://tfl.nu/inu8
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  (818): View more from California

  my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you

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  (818): my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you http://tfl.nu/x2i9
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  (520): View more from Arizona

  JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!

  (1-520): View more from Arizona

  what?

  (520): View more from Arizona

  YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!

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  (520): JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP! (1-520): what? (520): YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?! http://tfl.nu/3cop
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.

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  (248): She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot. http://tfl.nu/w0w1
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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  (701): Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty... http://tfl.nu/qvnt
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.

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  (202): Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke. http://tfl.nu/as75
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

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  (609): i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems http://tfl.nu/8tgm
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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  (402): I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat http://tfl.nu/ufc8
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.

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  (203): he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs. http://tfl.nu/0b7z
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  (305): View more from Florida

  We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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  (305): We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had. http://tfl.nu/tauu
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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  (712): I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night http://tfl.nu/v3fw
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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  (401): I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants. (401): Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean. http://tfl.nu/96j7
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  (425): View more from Washington

  my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.

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  (425): my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me. http://tfl.nu/ks5k
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  (917): View more from New York City

  Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

  (212): View more from New York

  Vagina

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  (917): Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type? (212): Vagina http://tfl.nu/du5r
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  (801): View more from Utah

  My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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  (801): My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party http://tfl.nu/4dt1
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  (408): View more from California

  booty call

  (925): View more from California

  i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.

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  (408): booty call (925): i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy. http://tfl.nu/xuna
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

  (325): View more from Texas

  Because you touch yourself at night.

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  (480): Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working? (325): Because you touch yourself at night. http://tfl.nu/lm5u
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  (325): View more from Texas

  wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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  (325): wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah" http://tfl.nu/d8s5
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  (516): View more from New York

  He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

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  (516): He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono (973): How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you? http://tfl.nu/fl5a
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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  (636): I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks. http://tfl.nu/gzvr
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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  (251): Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave" http://tfl.nu/shdd
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok i said sorry. what else do you want?

  (740): View more from Ohio

  100 blowjobs

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  (216): ok i said sorry. what else do you want? (740): 100 blowjobs http://tfl.nu/an0u
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.

  (803): View more from South Carolina

  Genius.

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  (704): I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty. (803): Genius. http://tfl.nu/hci7
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem

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  (443): So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem http://tfl.nu/7afw
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.

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  (574): Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter. http://tfl.nu/0enu
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  (707): View more from California

  the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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  (707): the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him. http://tfl.nu/x6kf
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  New charity walk idea!

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  (703): Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished. (202): New charity walk idea! http://tfl.nu/skxt
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.

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  (413): I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date. (215): You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds. http://tfl.nu/2p7v
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.

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  (910): that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time. http://tfl.nu/0332
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone

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  (708): Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone http://tfl.nu/40xl
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.

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  (775): I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again. http://tfl.nu/wdl0
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."

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  (410): Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down." http://tfl.nu/u1mc
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  (512): View more from Texas

  you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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  (512): you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried http://tfl.nu/gu6n
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Succeeded.

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  (404): I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life? (503): Succeeded. http://tfl.nu/i020
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in

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  (480): I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in http://tfl.nu/axx9
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  (251): View more from Alabama

  Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

  (1-251): View more from Alabama

  Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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  (251): Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer? (1-251): Why are you in my underwear drawer? http://tfl.nu/y2d4
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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  (410): so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero http://tfl.nu/4z5t
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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  (860): yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her (860): but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!" (860): but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies http://tfl.nu/084i
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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  (205): I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo http://tfl.nu/nrq4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.

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  (401): Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile. http://tfl.nu/y928
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  (252): View more from North Carolina

  i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.

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  (252): i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too. http://tfl.nu/myt5
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  (214): View more from Texas

  only if we run a train.

  (1-214): View more from Texas

  done.

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  (214): only if we run a train. (1-214): done. http://tfl.nu/x860
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  Who keeps a bong in their car??

  (1-402): View more from Nebraska

  Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

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  (402): Who keeps a bong in their car?? (1-402): Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago. http://tfl.nu/uih3
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  (301): View more from Maryland

  She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  but she's really nice

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  (301): She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds. (301): but she's really nice http://tfl.nu/144l
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her

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  (678): SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her http://tfl.nu/v70p
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia

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  (205): Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia http://tfl.nu/0tpw
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?

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  (612): Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong? http://tfl.nu/gz8r
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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  (303): At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends. (1-303): At about the same time you guys weren't burritos. http://tfl.nu/mxci
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

  (757): View more from Virginia

  So when are we having a sleepover?

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  (804): So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss (757): So when are we having a sleepover? http://tfl.nu/90ed
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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  (570): I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document http://tfl.nu/k2y9
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  (714): View more from California

  So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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  (714): So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him http://tfl.nu/b7ho
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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  (262): Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other. http://tfl.nu/ky9n
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  (281): View more from Texas

  How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend

  (936): View more from Texas

  Get a boyfriend

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  (281): How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend (936): Get a boyfriend http://tfl.nu/1049
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?

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  (609): so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me? http://tfl.nu/3dvn
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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  (630): If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus. http://tfl.nu/iii0
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  (818): View more from California

  I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.

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  (818): I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek. http://tfl.nu/wo3r
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  (831): View more from California

  I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.

  (1-831): View more from California

  stop. you already have a dog

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  (831): I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company. (1-831): stop. you already have a dog http://tfl.nu/bxqv
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

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  (270): I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea? http://tfl.nu/h6xa
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  (716): View more from New York

  My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics

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  (716): My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics http://tfl.nu/wc24
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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  (856): the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed http://tfl.nu/39rg
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  (650): View more from California

  Why were you high on a thursday?

  (1-650): View more from California

  today's a wednesday

  (650): View more from California

  I asked first.

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  (650): Why were you high on a thursday? (1-650): today's a wednesday (650): I asked first. http://tfl.nu/enxr
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  (315): View more from New York

  I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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  (315): I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever. http://tfl.nu/6dcd
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...

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  (815): he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is... http://tfl.nu/ocys
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  (562): View more from California

  that was a gay-test. you passed.

  (1-562): View more from California

  with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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  (562): that was a gay-test. you passed. (1-562): with flying rainbow colors i hope! http://tfl.nu/yxlu
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  Lets date for the summer

  (815): View more from Illinois

  what?

  (480): View more from Arizona

  Dont love me in September.

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  (480): Lets date for the summer (815): what? (480): Dont love me in September. http://tfl.nu/x30e
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.

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  (847): His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it. http://tfl.nu/zrgw
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  (845): View more from New York

  no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.

  (516): View more from New York

  You wear Armani Exchange.

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  (845): no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue. (516): You wear Armani Exchange. http://tfl.nu/2dtf
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  (561): View more from Florida

  i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM

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  (561): i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM http://tfl.nu/acmo
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning

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  (202): the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning http://tfl.nu/vrio
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  (212): View more from New York

  R you on birth control?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  No, why?

  (212): View more from New York

  ...no reason

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  (212): R you on birth control? (1-212): No, why? (212): ...no reason http://tfl.nu/zfov
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.

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  (334): she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend. http://tfl.nu/rmvr
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  six.

  (904): View more from Florida

  Oh, I thought it was higher.

  (1-904): View more from Florida

  No, that would be the Matt's

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  (904): Another one? Damn, how many David's is that? (1-904): six. (904): Oh, I thought it was higher. (1-904): No, that would be the Matt's http://tfl.nu/8llg
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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  (859): I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny." http://tfl.nu/6v00
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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  (802): But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was! http://tfl.nu/nt2c
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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  (248): I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop http://tfl.nu/8y0s
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  (714): View more from California

  It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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  (714): It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time http://tfl.nu/v4kt
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  (719): View more from Colorado

  he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka

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  (719): he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka http://tfl.nu/p67g
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  (540): View more from Virginia

  You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.

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  (540): You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm. http://tfl.nu/f71e
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  (281): View more from Texas

  when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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  (281): when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer http://tfl.nu/c3p9
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  (951): View more from California

  Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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  (951): Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor. http://tfl.nu/e2p4
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  (704): View more from North Carolina

  ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'

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  (704): ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked' http://tfl.nu/xvcv
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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  (203): There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game. http://tfl.nu/0we4
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  (518): View more from New York

  She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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  (518): She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change. http://tfl.nu/rlg4
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.

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  (774): his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW. http://tfl.nu/joal
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  (916): View more from California

  come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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  (916): come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too. http://tfl.nu/xgxr
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  (502): View more from Kentucky

  i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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  (502): i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'. http://tfl.nu/b21s
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  (646): View more from New York

  So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."

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  (646): So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit." http://tfl.nu/5gls
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.

  (734): View more from Michigan

  I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.

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  (757): I am not having having sex with guys at the moment. (734): I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue. http://tfl.nu/51cx
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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  (205): just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed. http://tfl.nu/2764
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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  (843): By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours. http://tfl.nu/tce7
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  .....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate

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  (303): .....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate http://tfl.nu/8kdy
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She is totally STD

  (941): View more from Florida

  Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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  (941): She is totally STD (941): Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD http://tfl.nu/ruv5
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  (970): View more from Colorado

  Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

  (1-970): View more from Colorado

  You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

  (970): View more from Colorado

  Shut the hell up.

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  (970): Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude (1-970): You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ? (970): Shut the hell up. http://tfl.nu/g01x
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  (210): View more from Texas

  READY

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  for what?

  (210): View more from Texas

  TO HAVE SEXXXX

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  i think you have the wrong number

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  (210): READY (1-210) for what? (210) TO HAVE SEXXXX (1-210) i think you have the wrong number http://tfl.nu/x2wa
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.

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  (443): Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking. http://tfl.nu/1cd2
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.

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  (256): FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation. http://tfl.nu/7b12
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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  (603): Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair http://tfl.nu/7ypz
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

  (1-847): View more from Illinois

  How was it?

  (847): View more from Illinois

  Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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  (847): I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me. (1-847): How was it? (847): Fantastic, but that's not the point. http://tfl.nu/muuk
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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  (617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend. (508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me. http://tfl.nu/ho6s
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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  (404): i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ". http://tfl.nu/tf5y
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  the red head has a bf

  (1-843): View more from South Carolina

  just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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  (843): the red head has a bf (1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score http://tfl.nu/bdta
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  (315): View more from New York

  i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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  (315): i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love http://tfl.nu/v9ss
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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  (781): I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed http://tfl.nu/sznd
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (601): View more from Mississippi

  We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month

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  (601): We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month http://tfl.nu/d8l1
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  (512): View more from Texas

  We need to rekindle our bromance

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  (512): We need to rekindle our bromance http://tfl.nu/aprz
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  (925): View more from California

  upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday

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  (925): upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday http://tfl.nu/ne1r
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  butt plug

  (248): View more from Michigan

  anus plug

  (260): View more from Indiana

  rubbish cock?

  (248): View more from Michigan

  yes

  (260): View more from Indiana

  you suck at this game today

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  (260): butt plug (248): anus plug (260): rubbish cock? (248): yes (260): you suck at this game today http://tfl.nu/gu7v
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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  (480): A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card. http://tfl.nu/fah6
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  i really like this girl i slept with last night

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  you ask her out again?

  (703): View more from Virginia

  yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

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  (703): i really like this girl i slept with last night (202): you ask her out again? (703): yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married http://tfl.nu/y34d
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  (408): View more from California

  I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure

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  (408): I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure http://tfl.nu/8j71
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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  (770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  you were so drunk you slurred your pauses

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  (440): you were so drunk you slurred your pauses http://tfl.nu/u543
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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  (978): I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism. http://tfl.nu/fmul
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  (409): View more from Texas

  There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

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  (409): There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard. http://tfl.nu/fxyx
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  (409): View more from Texas

  He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'

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  (409): He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this' http://tfl.nu/libu
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!

  (602): View more from Arizona

  so its atleast an 8 for creativity.

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  (480): he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?! (602): so its atleast an 8 for creativity. http://tfl.nu/ungw
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text

  (214): View more from Texas

  I know you're alive

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  (214): Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text (214): I know you're alive http://tfl.nu/9ods
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

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  (586): You do realize it's a Tuesday, right? (1-586): You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life. http://tfl.nu/em8w
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.

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  (336): Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me. http://tfl.nu/79qg
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it

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  (802): you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it http://tfl.nu/ykku
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.

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  (617): She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her. http://tfl.nu/25nb
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

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  (201): Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision. http://tfl.nu/ohzv
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

  (970): View more from Colorado

  well, dont

  (720): View more from Colorado

  I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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  (720): So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face. (970): well, dont (720): I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it. http://tfl.nu/lbqb
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

  (708): View more from Illinois

  We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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  (847): Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday? (708): We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us. http://tfl.nu/9z48
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

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  (609): my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college http://tfl.nu/i5zk
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  (650): View more from California

  dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

  (805): View more from California

  1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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  (650): dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning (805): 1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992. http://tfl.nu/ljqj
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  (917): View more from New York City

  If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

  (917): View more from New York City

  Those had pot in them

  (917): View more from New York City

  And good luck on your interview asshole

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  (917): If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you (917): Those had pot in them (917): And good luck on your interview asshole http://tfl.nu/911g
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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  (303): It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence. http://tfl.nu/6jog
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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  (973): his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed http://tfl.nu/wvyq
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  (314): View more from Missouri

  There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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  (314): There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run." http://tfl.nu/6vvj
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  (214): View more from Texas

  It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.

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  (214): It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls. http://tfl.nu/oc6k
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  (224): View more from Illinois

  It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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  (224): It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat' http://tfl.nu/0g9k
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.

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  (610): The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary. http://tfl.nu/0qxf
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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  (215): My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.." http://tfl.nu/yyzh
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  (917): View more from New York City

  well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'

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  (917): well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv' http://tfl.nu/bicf
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  (512): View more from Texas

  did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.

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  (512): did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training. http://tfl.nu/gmkx
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.

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  (412): he saw my boobs and came