Texts From Last Night

shelbi457's Favorites Texts:

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  (614): View more from Ohio

  My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

  (1-614): View more from Ohio

  You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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  (614): My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex (1-614): You and your mom would make an amazing tag team http://tfl.nu/l8wh
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  (802): View more from Vermont

  his penis is PERFECT

  (802): View more from Vermont

  I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

  (802): View more from Vermont

  or knit it little hat

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  (802): his penis is PERFECT (802): I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm (802): or knit it little hat http://tfl.nu/4cuj
  Replies (37) Good night (9713) Bad night (1211)
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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  (407): I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying. http://tfl.nu/u472
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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  (519): all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat" http://tfl.nu/ukas
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  (818): View more from California

  remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

  (702): View more from Nevada

  Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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  (818): remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it, (702): Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch. http://tfl.nu/x8zx
  Replies (116) Good night (6333) Bad night (11964)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.

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  (404): Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm. http://tfl.nu/cydy
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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  (908): Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger. http://tfl.nu/ni0e
  Replies (17) Good night (7863) Bad night (1842) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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  (609): at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning http://tfl.nu/nizm
  Replies (18) Good night (5035) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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  (770): he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players http://tfl.nu/ani7
  Replies (36) Good night (1296) Bad night (6276) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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  (515): The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites. http://tfl.nu/ny6g
  Replies (8) Good night (4498) Bad night (1390)
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  (210): View more from Texas

  drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

  (1-210): View more from Texas

  I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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  (210): drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend (1-210): I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning. http://tfl.nu/558s
  Replies (26) Good night (2012) Bad night (5086)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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  (570): Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever http://tfl.nu/sgij
  Replies (86) Good night (2992) Bad night (15040)
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  (408): View more from California

  Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this

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  (408): Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this http://tfl.nu/4kx4
  Replies (16) Good night (4977) Bad night (785) Order T-Shirt
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

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  (516): I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"... http://tfl.nu/s1bt
  Replies (13) Good night (733) Bad night (4036) Order T-Shirt
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  (614): View more from Ohio

  I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner

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  (614): I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner http://tfl.nu/04vf
  Replies (15) Good night (3592) Bad night (1366) Order T-Shirt
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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  (860): I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows. http://tfl.nu/2kv7
  Replies (17) Good night (4580) Bad night (1045) Order T-Shirt
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  (904): View more from Florida

  Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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  (904): Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is. http://tfl.nu/v4zj
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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  (586): conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features. http://tfl.nu/gno1
  Replies (15) Good night (5813) Bad night (872) Order T-Shirt
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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  (602): so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes. http://tfl.nu/egav
  Replies (28) Good night (7987) Bad night (1127) Order T-Shirt
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  (716): View more from New York

  Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.

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  (716): Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed. http://tfl.nu/65fd
  Replies (14) Good night (836) Bad night (2994) Order T-Shirt
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  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
  Replies (63) Good night (27933) Bad night (1211) Order T-Shirt
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding

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  (515): After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding http://tfl.nu/mxxu
  Replies (19) Good night (3093) Bad night (605) Order T-Shirt
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  (564): View more from Washington

  He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns

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  (564): He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns http://tfl.nu/yiwx
  Replies (13) Good night (4784) Bad night (1524)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  gross she's a slut

  (612): View more from Minnesota

  yea she doesn't shave either

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  (612): dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear (952): gross she's a slut (612): yea she doesn't shave either http://tfl.nu/93ck
  Replies (31) Good night (701) Bad night (3900)
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.

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  (302): I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset. http://tfl.nu/ifc8
  Replies (13) Good night (4755) Bad night (756) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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  (336): walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life. http://tfl.nu/o34i
  Replies (39) Good night (1789) Bad night (12399) Order T-Shirt
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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  (864): U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating" http://tfl.nu/kntp
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  (574): View more from Indiana

  some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous

  (1-574): View more from Indiana

  class

  (574): View more from Indiana

  he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson

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  (574): some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous (1-574): class (574): he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson http://tfl.nu/2w68
  Replies (46) Good night (4736) Bad night (850)
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.

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  (570): Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome. http://tfl.nu/qugg
  Replies (33) Good night (1714) Bad night (2906) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
  Replies (36) Good night (5990) Bad night (974) Order T-Shirt
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  (315): View more from New York

  You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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  (315): You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery? http://tfl.nu/9jay
  Replies (42) Good night (5504) Bad night (618) Order T-Shirt
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.

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  (403): She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse. http://tfl.nu/lj3p
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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  (505): He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued. http://tfl.nu/19hy
  Replies (40) Good night (11017) Bad night (2901) Order T-Shirt
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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  (902): Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it. http://tfl.nu/c874
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  (718): View more from New York

  Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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  (718): Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG! http://tfl.nu/4lok
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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  (240): I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good. http://tfl.nu/bq51
  Replies (98) Good night (27394) Bad night (1755)
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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  (732): just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit http://tfl.nu/qpl1
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.

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  (518): I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok. http://tfl.nu/zi5p
  Replies (7) Good night (647) Bad night (3055) Order T-Shirt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I think I have a pornographic memory.

  (954): View more from Florida

  Don't you mean photographic?

  (407): View more from Florida

  No.

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  (407): I think I have a pornographic memory. (954): Don't you mean photographic? (407): No. http://tfl.nu/ii2n
  Replies (14) Good night (5719) Bad night (524)
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.

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  (918): The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God. http://tfl.nu/l6po
  Replies (20) Good night (7808) Bad night (717) Order T-Shirt
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.

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  (608): Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke." (1-608): At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account. (608): Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot. http://tfl.nu/k199
  Replies (66) Good night (4482) Bad night (1098)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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  (401): I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver. http://tfl.nu/132c
  Replies (21) Good night (5981) Bad night (1243) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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  (941): She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina??? http://tfl.nu/hnyt
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  (305): View more from Florida

  Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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  (305): Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high. http://tfl.nu/4ptt
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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  (205): I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face. http://tfl.nu/ce47
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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  (505): He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself. http://tfl.nu/msa0
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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  (978): I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to? http://tfl.nu/b64u
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
  Replies (275) Good night (4086) Bad night (68342)
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings

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  (330): just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings http://tfl.nu/xqge
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  (954): View more from Florida

  so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop

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  (954): so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop http://tfl.nu/k9k3
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  (650): View more from California

  the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

  (1-650): View more from California

  dude, it's 2 am.

  (650): View more from California

  but its COMING

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  (650): the ice cream truck is coming omgomg (1-650): dude, it's 2 am. (650): but its COMING http://tfl.nu/8z5r
  Replies (63) Good night (8131) Bad night (563)
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  (702): View more from Nevada

  When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

  (1-702): View more from Nevada

  I've always been the spiritual type.

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  (702): When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion. (1-702): I've always been the spiritual type. http://tfl.nu/v0oc
  Replies (27) Good night (7505) Bad night (714)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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  (617): That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head. http://tfl.nu/g2zg
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  (805): View more from California

  IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!

  (818): View more from California

  A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?

  (805): View more from California

  CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT

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  (805): IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT! (818): A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie? (805): CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT http://tfl.nu/znee
  Replies (21) Good night (5322) Bad night (807)