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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
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