Texts From Last Night · rinazor's Favorites

rinazor's Favorites Texts:

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(630): View more from Illinois

I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(214): View more from Texas

In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

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(760): View more from California

so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(914): View more from New York

Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.

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(440): View more from Ohio

if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life

(619): View more from California

with a huge shlong

(440): View more from Ohio

massive. i wanna make bitches cry

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey kate, how is it?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(512): View more from Texas

why does the wii remote smell like your vag?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(407): View more from Florida

Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(209): View more from California

just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(818): View more from California

Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.

(1-818): View more from California

Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.

(571): View more from Virginia

define virginity.

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(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

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(315): View more from New York

We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(914): View more from New York

i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(936): View more from Texas

So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward

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(973): View more from New Jersey

gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.

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(207): View more from Maine

I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.

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(845): View more from New York

i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7

(1-845): View more from New York

id pin you as more of an 8

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(513): View more from Ohio

i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home

(419): View more from Ohio

move.

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(618): View more from Illinois

do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(415): View more from California

I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(682): View more from Texas

why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just hotboxed my laundry basket.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

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(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(815): View more from Illinois

$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.

(212): View more from New York

Please take video.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(917): View more from New York City

Um, that's called prostitution

(773): View more from Illinois

Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

are you so shy because you have an std?

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(817): View more from Texas

Dude. Creed is coming in september.

(1-817): View more from Texas

We're no longer friends.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(206): View more from Washington

If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww

(1-613): View more from Ontario

no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call

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(647): View more from Ontario

if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.

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(618): View more from Illinois

So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(518): View more from New York

It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.

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(845): View more from New York

so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date

(845): View more from New York

i guess it runs in the family.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I accidentally burped into my bong.

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(214): View more from Texas

you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?

(806): View more from Texas

i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.

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(360): View more from Washington

While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.

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