Texts From Last Night · rikie83's Favorites

rikie83's Favorites Texts:

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.

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(615): Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast. http://tfl.nu/ki2v

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.

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(706): Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes. http://tfl.nu/784u

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...

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(44): Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms... http://tfl.nu/mf8r

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(714): View more from California

wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man

(1-714): View more from California

you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife

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(714): wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man (1-714): you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife http://tfl.nu/week

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(707): View more from California

DON'T WEAR PANTS.

(707): View more from California

I REPEAT.

(707): View more from California

DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.

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(707): DON'T WEAR PANTS. (707): I REPEAT. (707): DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS. http://tfl.nu/9ogh

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(585): View more from New York

Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.

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(585): Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful. http://tfl.nu/vw40

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(574): View more from Indiana

she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to

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(574): she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to http://tfl.nu/1loy

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(204): View more from Manitoba

NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.

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(204): NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees. http://tfl.nu/cysh

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator

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(978): woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator http://tfl.nu/ric1

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(682): View more from Texas

I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.

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(682): I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life. http://tfl.nu/x9h1

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(310): View more from California

I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.

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(310): I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life. http://tfl.nu/0deg

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(917): View more from New York City

his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently

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(917): his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently http://tfl.nu/j5yc

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.

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(561): I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics. http://tfl.nu/2iwb

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

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(405): I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me. http://tfl.nu/unn4

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.

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(832): He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life. http://tfl.nu/3z94

Replies (9) Good night (647) Bad night (146)
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(202): View more from Washington, DC

No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.

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(202): No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free. http://tfl.nu/2enk

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Do u remember buying that

(732): View more from New Jersey

I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo

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(732): Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog (814): Do u remember buying that (732): I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo http://tfl.nu/x02b

Replies (2) Good night (708) Bad night (245)
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(860): View more from Connecticut

Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.

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(860): Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better. http://tfl.nu/zwl1

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.

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(570): I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me. http://tfl.nu/ca7c

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump

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(860): I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump http://tfl.nu/62ek

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(720): View more from Colorado

Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?

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(720): Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital? http://tfl.nu/6lgx

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(817): View more from Texas

I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.

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(817): I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult. http://tfl.nu/nj2j

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(503): View more from Oregon

Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder

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(503): Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder http://tfl.nu/i6jl

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(440): View more from Ohio

I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.

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(440): I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land. http://tfl.nu/ihv8

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(614): View more from Ohio

don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"

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(614): don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can" http://tfl.nu/nm9b

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(+61): View more from Australia

So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?

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(+61): So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma? http://tfl.nu/bhgl

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(423): View more from Tennessee

My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final

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(423): My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final http://tfl.nu/c4wx

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(702): View more from Nevada

I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.

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(702): I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up. http://tfl.nu/wodb

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think I just cured my dogs munchies

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(908): I think I just cured my dogs munchies http://tfl.nu/38nb

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(937): View more from Ohio

I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.

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(937): I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies. http://tfl.nu/8j70

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(913): View more from Kansas

If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.

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(913): If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on. http://tfl.nu/4zva

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(309): View more from Illinois

His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.

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(309): His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame. http://tfl.nu/bv47

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(650): View more from California

Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you

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(650): Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you http://tfl.nu/x9ov

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(772): View more from Florida

He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina

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(772): He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina http://tfl.nu/eog8

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(813): View more from Florida

He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm

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(813): He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm http://tfl.nu/b6iz

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(310): View more from California

Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing

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(310): Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing http://tfl.nu/gwvn

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.

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(517): I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish. http://tfl.nu/ztbe

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.

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(603): Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by. http://tfl.nu/jwsa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(908): My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night (212): Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate http://tfl.nu/bmji

Replies (4) Good night (1062) Bad night (236)
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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(270): Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man. http://tfl.nu/achk

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(203): Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship. (1-203): My god, what have you done? http://tfl.nu/3iim

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(630): View more from Illinois

How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?

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(630): How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday? http://tfl.nu/cltz

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children

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(931): I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children http://tfl.nu/92r8

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(623): View more from Arizona

At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.

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(623): At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside. http://tfl.nu/tt6u

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.

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(202): A big toe in my vag is not foreplay. http://tfl.nu/p4zv

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(219): View more from Indiana

Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here

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(219): Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here http://tfl.nu/huzw

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(440): View more from Ohio

My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.

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(440): My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b. http://tfl.nu/x8nr

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(779): I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs http://tfl.nu/n819

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(913): I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that. (1-913): You're my favorite person http://tfl.nu/9772

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation

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(+27): Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation http://tfl.nu/ycpp

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life

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(228): I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life http://tfl.nu/miua

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(317): View more from Indiana

You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".

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(317): You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!". http://tfl.nu/c85b

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities

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(787): I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities http://tfl.nu/2egx

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?

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(828): Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis? http://tfl.nu/tjmy

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.

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(201): Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour. http://tfl.nu/pcyi

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(631): View more from New York

Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card

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(631): Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card http://tfl.nu/dp25

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(360): View more from Washington

first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on

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(360): first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on http://tfl.nu/2woc

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(816): View more from Missouri

One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!

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(816): One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays! http://tfl.nu/bzpk

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(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

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(519): i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them. http://tfl.nu/zpwg

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.

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(316): I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry. http://tfl.nu/w045

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(541): View more from Oregon

25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.

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(541): 25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that. http://tfl.nu/kj3r

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(905): View more from Ontario

At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!

(905): View more from Ontario

I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.

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(905): At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance! (905): I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more. http://tfl.nu/b1ur

Replies (2) Good night (843) Bad night (150)
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(402): View more from Nebraska

YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN

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(402): YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN http://tfl.nu/z672

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(520): View more from Arizona

Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.

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(520): Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today. http://tfl.nu/5rxw

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(831): View more from California

I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"

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(831): I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy" http://tfl.nu/ej7w

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(941): View more from Florida

So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.

(941): View more from Florida

I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.

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(941): So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar. (941): I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket. http://tfl.nu/b83h

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(304): View more from West Virginia

omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.

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(304): omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected. http://tfl.nu/xm5d

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(517): View more from Michigan

passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.

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(517): passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night. http://tfl.nu/smsc

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?

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(780): Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel? http://tfl.nu/7lkz

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(775): View more from Nevada

You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...

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(775): You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper... http://tfl.nu/b471

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(910): Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome! (1-910): No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?! http://tfl.nu/r3ev

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(574): View more from Indiana

I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.

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(574): I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night. http://tfl.nu/m1lp

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS

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(570): OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS http://tfl.nu/smac

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma

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(931): I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma http://tfl.nu/5uqx

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(303): View more from Colorado

My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."

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(303): My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..." http://tfl.nu/535j

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(989): View more from Michigan

She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.

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(989): She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it. http://tfl.nu/vpoa

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(496): View more from

I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically

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(496): I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically http://tfl.nu/83i3

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on

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(701): I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on http://tfl.nu/r00x

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(317): View more from Indiana

You need a sexual gate keeper

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(317): You need a sexual gate keeper http://tfl.nu/r2za

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(404): PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!! http://tfl.nu/r6da

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen

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(412): with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen http://tfl.nu/zqf6

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(574): View more from Indiana

Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

It has heated floors

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(574): Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom? (1-574): It has heated floors http://tfl.nu/xj5h

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(705): View more from Ontario

this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer

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(705): this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer http://tfl.nu/chqz

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(817): View more from Texas

This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck

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(817): This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck http://tfl.nu/mv3p

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(408): View more from California

IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY

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(408): IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY http://tfl.nu/k5od

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister

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(605): You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister http://tfl.nu/xlrp

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(775): View more from Nevada

Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.

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(775): Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me. http://tfl.nu/b0yd

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(408): View more from California

We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!

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(408): We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?! http://tfl.nu/o08x

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.

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(304): We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/lf7j

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(898): View more from

Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.

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(898): Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous. http://tfl.nu/8yxh

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(707): View more from California

Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!

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(707): Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that! http://tfl.nu/8zmt

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(360): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.

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(360): I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow. http://tfl.nu/5cxp

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.

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(+44): When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies. http://tfl.nu/0fef

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(914): View more from New York

Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair

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(914): Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair http://tfl.nu/v5lw

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

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(704): I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again http://tfl.nu/6zh5

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(817): View more from Texas

You should come by for the fire station blow job tour

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(817): You should come by for the fire station blow job tour http://tfl.nu/ymfu

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.

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(610): spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN. http://tfl.nu/4bnj

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.

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(832): She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me. http://tfl.nu/8d60

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(212): View more from New York

That accounts for only three of the penises

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(212): That accounts for only three of the penises http://tfl.nu/jbaz

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(914): View more from New York

But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.

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(914): But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level. http://tfl.nu/ncka

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(573): View more from Missouri

Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.

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(573): Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them. http://tfl.nu/c182

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(954): View more from Florida

I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?

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(954): I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it? http://tfl.nu/xt0t

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(719): View more from Colorado

I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.

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(719): I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right. http://tfl.nu/asg0

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

(410): View more from Maryland

dude you're not even a fucking science major

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(717): Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture (410): dude you're not even a fucking science major http://tfl.nu/vino

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(518): View more from New York

I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.

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(518): I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen. http://tfl.nu/2oin

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(425): View more from Washington

Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET

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(425): Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET http://tfl.nu/8n1t

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(914): View more from New York

bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house

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(914): bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house http://tfl.nu/ryv7

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(918): We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas (1-918): I thank god almighty everyday http://tfl.nu/mbi3

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(205): View more from Alabama

You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.

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(205): You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food. http://tfl.nu/oef6

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress

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(202): he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress http://tfl.nu/kmvd

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(616): View more from Michigan

which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!

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(616): which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?! http://tfl.nu/hp73

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(513): I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move. http://tfl.nu/stfw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

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(908): HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART http://tfl.nu/i6nd

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(919): View more from North Carolina

at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up

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(919): at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up http://tfl.nu/r47i

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse

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(651): I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse http://tfl.nu/8kf4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.

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(+44): I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy. http://tfl.nu/urw4

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.

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(570): Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it. http://tfl.nu/4zf0

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(562): View more from California

Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.

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(562): Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding. http://tfl.nu/vxim

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(712): View more from Iowa

Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.

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(712): Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back. http://tfl.nu/llib

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.

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(985): I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on. http://tfl.nu/xcia

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."

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(832): I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung." http://tfl.nu/1h35

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(913): View more from Kansas

Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?

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(913): Do you have any need for a scary clown mask? http://tfl.nu/9rfd

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(+39): View more from

scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer

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(+39): scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer http://tfl.nu/n0yh

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(519): View more from Ontario

Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?

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(519): Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break? http://tfl.nu/r3b8

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(718): View more from New York

Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.

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(718): Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year. http://tfl.nu/pj0t

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain

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(787): She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain http://tfl.nu/0oj5

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.

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(801): I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow. http://tfl.nu/o553

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(315): View more from New York

HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!

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(315): HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT! http://tfl.nu/pd33

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(954): View more from Florida

in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.

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(954): in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine. http://tfl.nu/pi7u

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(301): View more from Maryland

I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass

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(301): I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass http://tfl.nu/ww71

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(303): We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options http://tfl.nu/lflv

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(602): View more from Arizona

This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...

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(602): This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today... http://tfl.nu/mxzm

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Does he think you're psycho?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Officially...... yes.

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(405): I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new. (1-405): Does he think you're psycho? (405): Officially...... yes. http://tfl.nu/uyur

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.

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(865): If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch. http://tfl.nu/4ij5

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(408): View more from California

Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.

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(408): Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you. http://tfl.nu/5sdb

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(518): View more from New York

Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet

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(518): Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet http://tfl.nu/g9l7

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(416): View more from Toronto

Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?

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(416): Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground? http://tfl.nu/za9i

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(240): View more from Maryland

I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.

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(240): I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep. http://tfl.nu/5qdv

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl

(201): View more from New Jersey

I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl

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(314): He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl (201): I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl http://tfl.nu/d4hf

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.

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(502): I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true. http://tfl.nu/qsda

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(904): View more from Florida

The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo

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(904): The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo http://tfl.nu/8wcq

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(561): View more from Florida

Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?

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(561): Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club? http://tfl.nu/vdph

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(609): I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude http://tfl.nu/hndb

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(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

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(716): the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue. http://tfl.nu/b0ty

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"

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(609): You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?" http://tfl.nu/1kzs

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(604): I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together http://tfl.nu/pe8s

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(563): View more from Iowa

As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...

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(563): As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me... http://tfl.nu/pbqy

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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(732): You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home. (732): you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato. (732): IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME. http://tfl.nu/cjpu

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(613): View more from Ontario

I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.

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(613): I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated. http://tfl.nu/yhxc

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(256): View more from Alabama

It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?

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(256): It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me? http://tfl.nu/7mmq

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(443): View more from Maryland

I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.

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(443): I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon. http://tfl.nu/atl9

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(678): View more from Georgia

Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.

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(678): Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool. http://tfl.nu/6mtz

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(512): Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL. http://tfl.nu/149w

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.

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(402): Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end. http://tfl.nu/ykik

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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(902): This is why Helen Keller didn't drink http://tfl.nu/wpjw

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(845): just woke up under a car ? That's odd (603): Holy fucking shit (845): WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT http://tfl.nu/jvxr

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.

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(541): I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house. http://tfl.nu/7lqp

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(406): View more from Montana

Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.

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(406): Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on. http://tfl.nu/zrfh

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(563): I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers. http://tfl.nu/w57w

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(607): View more from New York

Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

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(607): Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun. http://tfl.nu/atlx

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

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(205): I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south http://tfl.nu/kpax

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"

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(440): As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today" http://tfl.nu/8gjm

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(512): View more from Texas

I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.

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(512): I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out. http://tfl.nu/qokz

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(917): View more from New York City

idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now

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(917): idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now http://tfl.nu/ruxc

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(707): View more from California

The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.

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(707): The acoustics in my bra are fantastic. http://tfl.nu/vfao

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(845): View more from New York

From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.

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(845): From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend. http://tfl.nu/h8l3

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(781): Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck. http://tfl.nu/mycr

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?

(718): View more from New York

See you tonight.

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(201): Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning? (718): See you tonight. http://tfl.nu/wje2

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.

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(206): I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month. http://tfl.nu/ayye

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am

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(832): My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am http://tfl.nu/1emj

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(509): View more from Washington

I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.

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(509): I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition. http://tfl.nu/x5ll

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(313): View more from Michigan

Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.

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(313): Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This. http://tfl.nu/r466

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(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

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(360): that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem... http://tfl.nu/rc3g

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.

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(250): WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME. http://tfl.nu/12ba

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(303): View more from Colorado

I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.

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(303): I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time. http://tfl.nu/ridr

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(457): View more from

Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though

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(457): Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though http://tfl.nu/vzyv

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(719): View more from Colorado

There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.

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(719): There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans. http://tfl.nu/qyi6

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.

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(620): Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday. http://tfl.nu/471z

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago

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(303): He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago http://tfl.nu/p1nu

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth

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(402): Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth http://tfl.nu/4hkn

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(595): View more from

In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.

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(595): In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today. http://tfl.nu/kbdd

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.

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(479): Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question. http://tfl.nu/6lny

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(435): View more from Utah

Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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(435): Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that. http://tfl.nu/d2qc

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(812): View more from Indiana

I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.

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(812): I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend. http://tfl.nu/7cvr

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(515): View more from Iowa

Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?

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(515): Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/s6e2

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(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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(303): Get a piano. I want to have sex on it. http://tfl.nu/t29o

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(970): He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out. (303): Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do. http://tfl.nu/z2aq

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(614): Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on. http://tfl.nu/zmme

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(434): View more from Virginia

You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.

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(434): You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here. http://tfl.nu/0jb8

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.

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(412): I am the sex elephant in the room. Again. http://tfl.nu/d7uz

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?

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(832): Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing? http://tfl.nu/oh1w

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(765): View more from Indiana

google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?

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(765): google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY? http://tfl.nu/u2sp

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(310): View more from California

So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...

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(310): So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off... http://tfl.nu/wmce

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.

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(423): I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit. http://tfl.nu/5kq2

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(503): View more from Oregon

My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.

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(503): My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies. http://tfl.nu/5aky

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(512): View more from Texas

You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back

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(512): You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back http://tfl.nu/1cno

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(570): ur mom makes the best bacon (1-570): WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE http://tfl.nu/0ryx

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..

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(919): I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number.. http://tfl.nu/y7re

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!

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(843): Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics! http://tfl.nu/lxnu

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Last time i carry you out of a forest

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(262): Last time i carry you out of a forest http://tfl.nu/h410

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(227): View more from Maryland

He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like

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(227): He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like http://tfl.nu/muep

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(315): I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd http://tfl.nu/os0g

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.

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(651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won. http://tfl.nu/jvx1

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.

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(817): I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool. http://tfl.nu/j2os

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(734): View more from Michigan

nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox

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(734): nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox http://tfl.nu/ge10

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(802): View more from Vermont

I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

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(802): I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it http://tfl.nu/32uz

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(407): View more from Florida

Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.

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(407): Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does. http://tfl.nu/r28t

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(765): View more from Indiana

Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.

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(765): Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. http://tfl.nu/ym4c

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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(610): Cute underage boy is in my house. (410): OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE. http://tfl.nu/uq1q

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(406): View more from Montana

Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.

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(406): Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid. http://tfl.nu/8if7

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome

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(931): i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome http://tfl.nu/562n

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.

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(423): I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick. http://tfl.nu/4wtf

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(914): View more from New York

I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.

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(914): I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me. http://tfl.nu/fqr3

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.

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(910): Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad. http://tfl.nu/mvcz

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(650): View more from California

i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra

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(650): i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra http://tfl.nu/msm7

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(913): View more from Kansas

My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.

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(913): My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable. http://tfl.nu/pa6u

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(714): View more from California

She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.

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(714): She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING. http://tfl.nu/p2v7

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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(513): She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste' http://tfl.nu/jrl8

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.

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(484): You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now. http://tfl.nu/l9he

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(+44): The pigeons can smell the fear (1+44): Wtf http://tfl.nu/89q6

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(315): View more from New York

What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?

(315): View more from New York

His step dad chiming in on the jokes.

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(315): What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table? (315): His step dad chiming in on the jokes. http://tfl.nu/1trz

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(334): View more from Alabama

i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"

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(334): i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?" http://tfl.nu/0fwx

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.

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(609): I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved. http://tfl.nu/m2zi

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(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

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(408): I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident. http://tfl.nu/gd86

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.

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(501): He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit. http://tfl.nu/208i

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(1616): View more from

I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .

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(1616): I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit . http://tfl.nu/6sx7

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...

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(502): I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it... http://tfl.nu/upfp

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"

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(+44): You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action" http://tfl.nu/vmud

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(909): I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats. http://tfl.nu/jzu3

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(325): View more from Texas

She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...

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(325): She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe... http://tfl.nu/oipp

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(859): View more from Kentucky

and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

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(859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome. http://tfl.nu/coqa

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(865): At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer http://tfl.nu/lzgu

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(631): View more from New York

Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital

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(631): Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital http://tfl.nu/fnso

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(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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(940): He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts. http://tfl.nu/9w8s

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.

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(218): I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent. http://tfl.nu/0vft

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(218): You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate. http://tfl.nu/a3k9

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(847): Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron. http://tfl.nu/1d6g

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(+44): He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day? http://tfl.nu/3a44

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(973): That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that. http://tfl.nu/drll

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?

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(410): She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted? http://tfl.nu/werq

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(410): View more from Maryland

My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.

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(410): My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end. http://tfl.nu/noz9

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.

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(870): He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible. http://tfl.nu/mspa

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(603): they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out http://tfl.nu/559d

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(712): That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time" http://tfl.nu/be6i

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(559): View more from California

Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.

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(559): Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor. http://tfl.nu/6xcl

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.

(254): View more from Texas

He's majoring in Religion

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(254): I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka. (254): He's majoring in Religion http://tfl.nu/gx54

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(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

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(760): all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing. http://tfl.nu/78qs

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny

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(860): Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny http://tfl.nu/2672

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(512): View more from Texas

Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.

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(512): Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom. http://tfl.nu/t8hh

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(330): View more from Ohio

I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.

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(330): I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in. http://tfl.nu/a5v5

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(408): you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face http://tfl.nu/f86d

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(310): View more from California

My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...

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(310): My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope... http://tfl.nu/89fe

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(781): No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye http://tfl.nu/qnov

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

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(603): Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines http://tfl.nu/hhep

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(530): View more from California

No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.

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(530): No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here. http://tfl.nu/k9so

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(409): The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens. http://tfl.nu/kai5

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(360): Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told... http://tfl.nu/tfwr

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

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(617): Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns. http://tfl.nu/g37i

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(313): View more from Michigan

so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?

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(313): so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room? http://tfl.nu/p8ry

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.

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(505): Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming. http://tfl.nu/efp8

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(937): i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage. http://tfl.nu/bqw6

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(256): I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you. http://tfl.nu/8mod

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(858): We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport. http://tfl.nu/he08

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(608): He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night http://tfl.nu/for8

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(520): He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep. http://tfl.nu/tjlf

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(845): You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake. http://tfl.nu/r8rw

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(802): Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator. http://tfl.nu/tdtw

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis

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(603): it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis http://tfl.nu/b4c1

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep

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(908): I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep http://tfl.nu/s4hd

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(907): View more from Alaska

i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat

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(907): i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat http://tfl.nu/gmsd

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.

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(256): It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops. http://tfl.nu/42cm

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(617): You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable. http://tfl.nu/i02t

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8

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(818): View more from California

She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?

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(818): She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs? http://tfl.nu/4vl4

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though

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(505): I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though http://tfl.nu/889i

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(307): I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen. http://tfl.nu/qqp8

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(269): So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow (1-269): Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10 http://tfl.nu/n472

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(856): he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him. (215): no pressure. http://tfl.nu/wyu7

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(240): Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra? (732): like it was yesterday http://tfl.nu/1org

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(317): eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped. http://tfl.nu/504u

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(931): and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear http://tfl.nu/30cm

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(585): just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse. http://tfl.nu/g20v

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(315): I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit http://tfl.nu/ybzi

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(904): took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch. http://tfl.nu/4x1m

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(408): Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same. http://tfl.nu/sgs8

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(415): View more from California

no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner

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(415): no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner http://tfl.nu/9h98

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(817): View more from Texas

Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.

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(817): Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed. http://tfl.nu/4b3z

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(863): View more from Florida

you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar

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(863): you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar http://tfl.nu/o1eu

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(972): You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry" http://tfl.nu/fk1l

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(870): do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight? (1-870): well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic (870): what chic? http://tfl.nu/m2xn

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(330): why is there cat hair all over my deoderant? (1-330): she wanted to smell more freshershest than you. http://tfl.nu/rk6z

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(303): so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob... http://tfl.nu/tixa

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(626): HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN? http://tfl.nu/rsqz

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(510): Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay http://tfl.nu/s2rn

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(603): Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk. http://tfl.nu/ivw8

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(440): We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis! http://tfl.nu/tuy6

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot

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(505): I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot http://tfl.nu/gw1u

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(651): View more from Minnesota

make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.

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(651): make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS. (1-651): I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much. http://tfl.nu/xzl0

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(818): he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror http://tfl.nu/1dr8

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap

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rikie83's Favorites Texts:

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Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard