Texts From Last Night

retribution74205's Favorites Texts:

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  (952): View more from Minnesota

  Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage

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  (952): Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage http://tfl.nu/dzdl
  Replies (4) Good night (694) Bad night (1193) Order T-Shirt
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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  (651): Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~ http://tfl.nu/6n7p
  Replies (5) Good night (2138) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.

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  (610): You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/j615
  Replies (4) Good night (959) Bad night (2008)
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  (585): View more from New York

  You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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  (585): You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura! http://tfl.nu/nzmy
  Replies (15) Good night (2660) Bad night (505)
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  (530): View more from California

  The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.

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  (530): The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved. http://tfl.nu/1q3u
  Replies (3) Good night (1828) Bad night (654)
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  (901): View more from Tennessee

  I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.

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  (901): I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this. http://tfl.nu/q4h5
  Replies (10) Good night (836) Bad night (3730)
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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  (770): Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay. http://tfl.nu/tpqf
  Replies (25) Good night (5831) Bad night (624)
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  (714): View more from California

  A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.

  (1-714): View more from California

  YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES

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  (714): A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you. (1-714): YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES http://tfl.nu/lgqs
  Replies (15) Good night (1962) Bad night (489) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI

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  (310): That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI http://tfl.nu/k5sn
  Replies (13) Good night (568) Bad night (1340) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

  (1-330): View more from Ohio

  that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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  (330): I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce.. (1-330): that's the most romantic thing you've ever said. http://tfl.nu/mwxm
  Replies (12) Good night (1692) Bad night (538) Order T-Shirt
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice

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  (908): I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice http://tfl.nu/gs1d
  Replies (6) Good night (1135) Bad night (1689)
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  (651): View more from Minnesota

  I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

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  (651): I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents. http://tfl.nu/48zb
  Replies (18) Good night (824) Bad night (2271)
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  (205): View more from Alabama

  After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.

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  (205): After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis. http://tfl.nu/x2c8
  Replies (4) Good night (1901) Bad night (411)
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

  (770): View more from Georgia

  Dude. Do it.

  (678): View more from Georgia

  Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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  (678): So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out. (770): Dude. Do it. (678): Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober? http://tfl.nu/58ew
  Replies (15) Good night (4253) Bad night (557)
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.

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  (281): Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet. http://tfl.nu/oj89
  Replies (13) Good night (1768) Bad night (494) Order T-Shirt
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  (347): View more from New York

  I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead

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  (347): I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead http://tfl.nu/i3pk
  Replies (7) Good night (1289) Bad night (511) Order T-Shirt
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  (316): View more from Kansas

  There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.

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  (316): There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day. http://tfl.nu/dhd7
  Replies (4) Good night (3473) Bad night (451) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever

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  (720): My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever http://tfl.nu/wkge
  Replies (6) Good night (3162) Bad night (510)
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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  (419): That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself. http://tfl.nu/02m3
  Replies (8) Good night (1660) Bad night (435) Order T-Shirt
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  (941): View more from Florida

  It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

  (1-941): View more from Florida

  Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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  (941): It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere. (1-941): Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine. http://tfl.nu/u4qq
  Replies (13) Good night (3100) Bad night (588)
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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  (812): You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do. http://tfl.nu/dz7m
  Replies (17) Good night (713) Bad night (2284) Order T-Shirt
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  (283): View more from Ohio

  by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?

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  (283): by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours? http://tfl.nu/2a7f
  Replies (6) Good night (1823) Bad night (592) Order T-Shirt
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  (107): View more from

  That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.

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  (107): That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog. http://tfl.nu/02iq
  Replies (8) Good night (1164) Bad night (874) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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  (+44): This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats. http://tfl.nu/c5o0
  Replies (14) Good night (893) Bad night (2149)
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

  (713): View more from Texas

  So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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  (832): The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house (713): So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh? http://tfl.nu/xori
  Replies (15) Good night (3738) Bad night (610)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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  (847): The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome. http://tfl.nu/h8r4
  Replies (13) Good night (4790) Bad night (641) Order T-Shirt
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  (916): View more from California

  Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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  (916): Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On. http://tfl.nu/kp7b
  Replies (5) Good night (3498) Bad night (550) Order T-Shirt
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  (650): View more from California

  Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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  (650): Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it http://tfl.nu/zs3i
  Replies (8) Good night (2919) Bad night (988)
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  (209): View more from California

  Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something

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  (209): Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something http://tfl.nu/htcf
  Replies (23) Good night (887) Bad night (3250) Order T-Shirt
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."

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  (330): Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control." http://tfl.nu/dz9s
  Replies (12) Good night (1554) Bad night (470) Order T-Shirt
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

  (712): View more from Iowa

  On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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  (712): You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled. (712): On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride. http://tfl.nu/7lij
  Replies (2) Good night (2007) Bad night (972)
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  (859): View more from Kentucky

  she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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  (859): she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery? http://tfl.nu/4aiq
  Replies (24) Good night (6253) Bad night (647)
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  (864): View more from South Carolina

  turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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  (864): turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy http://tfl.nu/uoz8
  Replies (3) Good night (1034) Bad night (1112) Order T-Shirt
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  (740): View more from Ohio

  I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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  (740): I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots" http://tfl.nu/pkth
  Replies (12) Good night (5048) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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  (+44): Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight? http://tfl.nu/0o8e
  Replies (7) Good night (3901) Bad night (577) Order T-Shirt
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  (907): View more from Alaska

  He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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  (907): He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron. http://tfl.nu/g77l
  Replies (15) Good night (4214) Bad night (766) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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  (270): My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted. http://tfl.nu/nzx6
  Replies (15) Good night (4842) Bad night (917) Order T-Shirt
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  (623): View more from Arizona

  You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"

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  (623): You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!" http://tfl.nu/z3ws
  Replies (10) Good night (3893) Bad night (732) Order T-Shirt
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.

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  (785): It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired. http://tfl.nu/t1fn
  Replies (9) Good night (3138) Bad night (708) Order T-Shirt
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  (423): View more from Tennessee

  She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

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  (423): She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21. http://tfl.nu/keb8
  Replies (6) Good night (4149) Bad night (622)
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  (613): View more from Ontario

  Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night

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  (613): Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night http://tfl.nu/c7ii
  Replies (15) Good night (1007) Bad night (2140) Order T-Shirt
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

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  (503): I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it. http://tfl.nu/30lr
  Replies (12) Good night (2458) Bad night (883) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.

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  (630): He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick. http://tfl.nu/e6nk
  Replies (29) Good night (1056) Bad night (5842) Order T-Shirt
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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  (203): She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places http://tfl.nu/q4g8
  Replies (7) Good night (5398) Bad night (875) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

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  (770): Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out. http://tfl.nu/a31o
  Replies (12) Good night (4939) Bad night (747) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

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  (678): I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly http://tfl.nu/mkzb
  Replies (6) Good night (2998) Bad night (881) Order T-Shirt
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine

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  (586): We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine http://tfl.nu/mpc6
  Replies (15) Good night (2757) Bad night (1434) Order T-Shirt
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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  (647): she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener http://tfl.nu/wmbx
  Replies (21) Good night (3915) Bad night (1774) Order T-Shirt
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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  (248): Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting." http://tfl.nu/6v74
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  (785): View more from Kansas

  he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing

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  (785): he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing http://tfl.nu/bfcf
  Replies (2) Good night (3397) Bad night (776) Order T-Shirt
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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  (501): He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer. http://tfl.nu/ubeq
  Replies (31) Good night (3055) Bad night (1178) Order T-Shirt
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  (954): View more from Florida

  I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

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  (954): I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter. http://tfl.nu/57tz
  Replies (10) Good night (1219) Bad night (3505) Order T-Shirt
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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  (678): Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that. http://tfl.nu/i43f
  Replies (24) Good night (4850) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
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  (206): View more from Washington

  buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night

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  (206): buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night http://tfl.nu/bj1f
  Replies (7) Good night (2865) Bad night (645) Order T-Shirt
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  (302): View more from Delaware

  It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex

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  (302): It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex http://tfl.nu/xtt5
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...

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  (330): Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late... http://tfl.nu/fji7
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  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

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  (917): I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus. http://tfl.nu/e2af
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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  (407): Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room. http://tfl.nu/hh2a
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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  (815): my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves http://tfl.nu/kwdc
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  (510): View more from California

  You did a strip tease for the toilet.

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  (510): You did a strip tease for the toilet. http://tfl.nu/5nns
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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  (270): The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard". http://tfl.nu/w1c8
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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  (920): just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch. http://tfl.nu/t841
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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  (828): Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me. http://tfl.nu/wdvy
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  (801): View more from Utah

  He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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  (801): He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me. http://tfl.nu/9uhs
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  (434): View more from Virginia

  and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

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  (434): and she just brought her bike into the shower with her http://tfl.nu/c8oh
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  (214): View more from Texas

  Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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  (214): Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us http://tfl.nu/gb64
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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  (507): All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different. http://tfl.nu/qt7m
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

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  (701): ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO http://tfl.nu/t2mi
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  (484): View more from Pennsylvania

  Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea

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  (484): Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea http://tfl.nu/f1ip
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  (518): View more from New York

  I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.

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  (518): I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer. http://tfl.nu/11oh
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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  (720): and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook. http://tfl.nu/6m40
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  (225): View more from Louisiana

  Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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  (225): Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe. http://tfl.nu/nl8k
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  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

  (1-405): View more from Oklahoma

  well now I have to

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  (405): I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home. (1-405): well now I have to http://tfl.nu/4hfb
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  (812): View more from Indiana

  woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights

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  (812): woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights http://tfl.nu/5oxk
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  (801): View more from Utah

  Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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  (801): Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face. http://tfl.nu/qeig
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  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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  (570): Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged? http://tfl.nu/qezt
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  (917): View more from New York City

  i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.

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  (917): i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping. http://tfl.nu/d7ey
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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  (360): I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience. http://tfl.nu/k7n6
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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  (902): hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help. http://tfl.nu/mkef
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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  (541): get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear. http://tfl.nu/nwnx
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.

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  (240): One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order. http://tfl.nu/2w08
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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  (501): Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?! http://tfl.nu/d2jg
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  (469): View more from Texas

  btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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  (469): btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath. http://tfl.nu/28ff
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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  (828): I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm. http://tfl.nu/jyta
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

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  (832): He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless. http://tfl.nu/abxi
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  (787): View more from Puerto Rico

  Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

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  (787): Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt http://tfl.nu/aoj7
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness

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  (515): Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness http://tfl.nu/59mb
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...

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  (215): There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave... http://tfl.nu/jtzo
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

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  (815): This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro. http://tfl.nu/5jtw
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  (661): View more from California

  Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half

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  (661): Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half http://tfl.nu/okef
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  (409): View more from Texas

  he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out

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  (409): he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out http://tfl.nu/o406
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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  (814): he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard. http://tfl.nu/0fj9
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.

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  (804): Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster. http://tfl.nu/ns19
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  (310): View more from California

  so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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  (310): so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood. http://tfl.nu/y4bu
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  (778): View more from British Columbia

  you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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  (778): you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that http://tfl.nu/wgi4
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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  (701): Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it? http://tfl.nu/2zni
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  (250): View more from British Columbia

  I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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  (250): I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown. http://tfl.nu/tv3d
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  (804): View more from Virginia

  i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral

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  (804): i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral http://tfl.nu/voa8
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  (941): View more from Florida

  its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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  (941): its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though. http://tfl.nu/5tqm
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone

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  (815): Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone http://tfl.nu/4nil
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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  (319): Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really. http://tfl.nu/ok73
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  (858): View more from California

  Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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  (858): Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in. http://tfl.nu/efr3
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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  (636): Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night http://tfl.nu/yir7
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

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  (603): The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people. http://tfl.nu/gh99
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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  (610): So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed http://tfl.nu/2fhq
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

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  (610): i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night http://tfl.nu/l16l
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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  (407): Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk http://tfl.nu/aifa
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  (727): View more from Florida

  there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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  (727): there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning. http://tfl.nu/6rsw
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  (817): View more from Texas

  He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

  (1-817): View more from Texas

  Actually, she's fat now, so...

  (817): View more from Texas

  Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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  (817): He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but... (1-817): Actually, she's fat now, so... (817): Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson. http://tfl.nu/7993
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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  (248): Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it. http://tfl.nu/bw3w
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  (425): View more from Washington

  Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.

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  (425): Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun. http://tfl.nu/x8cc
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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  (630): we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same http://tfl.nu/ozek
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  (516): View more from New York

  he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board

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  (516): he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board http://tfl.nu/9lcb
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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  (617): She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her. http://tfl.nu/sdzd
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed

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  (630): yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed http://tfl.nu/06jt
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

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  (440): By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER. http://tfl.nu/qy49
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

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  (816): Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me. http://tfl.nu/4boe
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  (309): View more from Illinois

  Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.

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  (309): Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me. http://tfl.nu/c51e
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  (+65): View more from

  No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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  (+65): No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car. http://tfl.nu/46mc
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

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  (573): I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use." http://tfl.nu/1qa0
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.

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  (610): His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here. http://tfl.nu/72ey
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  (631): View more from New York

  Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.

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  (631): Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants. http://tfl.nu/35y8
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar

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  (513): Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar http://tfl.nu/rpu6
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed

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  (701): She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed http://tfl.nu/42qb
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  (305): View more from Florida

  You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.

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  (305): You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican. http://tfl.nu/uy37
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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  (203): I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis. http://tfl.nu/m2ek
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....

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  (317): my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys.... http://tfl.nu/ljba
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  (206): View more from Washington

  ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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  (206): ..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance" http://tfl.nu/51ez
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  (510): View more from California

  Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

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  (510): Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on. http://tfl.nu/jv7t
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine

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  (815): im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine http://tfl.nu/4lyn
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  (716): View more from New York

  Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.

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  (716): Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door. http://tfl.nu/u06r
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish

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  (401): I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish http://tfl.nu/yvgk
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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  (519): Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator? http://tfl.nu/y95u
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.

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  (810): I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm. http://tfl.nu/2iai
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  even the AIR tastes like tequila.

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  (910): even the AIR tastes like tequila. http://tfl.nu/sty9
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  (951): View more from California

  I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.

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  (951): I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here. http://tfl.nu/bc0s
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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  (210): I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast. http://tfl.nu/qvgk
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  (619): View more from California

  just caught grandpa beating off in the living room

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  (619): just caught grandpa beating off in the living room http://tfl.nu/3g7q
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
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  (571): View more from Virginia

  So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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  (571): So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder. http://tfl.nu/3ets
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

  (1-404): View more from Georgia

  Two?

  (404): View more from Georgia

  Two.

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  (404): Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs. (1-404): Two? (404): Two. http://tfl.nu/opzf
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  (515): View more from Iowa

  Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit

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  (515): Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit http://tfl.nu/4m5n
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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  (319): the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy". http://tfl.nu/gh3y
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.

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  (816): And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog. http://tfl.nu/zv3p
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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  (860): We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun. http://tfl.nu/8k8b
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work

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  (208): I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work http://tfl.nu/ffxc
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  (843): View more from South Carolina

  Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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  (843): Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week. http://tfl.nu/axd2
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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  (303): That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth http://tfl.nu/ml2x
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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  (412): Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days http://tfl.nu/6wcx
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  (201): View more from New Jersey

  PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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  (201): PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon http://tfl.nu/nm2q
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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  (330): WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL. http://tfl.nu/0dj7
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?

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  (724): Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle? http://tfl.nu/1h10
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.

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  (304): his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on. http://tfl.nu/aue5
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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  (304): it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast. http://tfl.nu/xssi
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  (210): View more from Texas

  We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

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  (210): We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this? http://tfl.nu/a3d2
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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  (321): I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter. http://tfl.nu/jrqc
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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  (928): note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea http://tfl.nu/nwiv
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  (707): View more from California

  I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet

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  (707): I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet http://tfl.nu/0aqf
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  (760): View more from California

  searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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  (760): searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this http://tfl.nu/chn0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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  (303): dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered. http://tfl.nu/j70b
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  (646): View more from New York

  It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

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  (646): It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka. http://tfl.nu/p7s5
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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  (937): Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate http://tfl.nu/e0yr
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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  (443): The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that. http://tfl.nu/d0ly
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  (480): View more from Arizona

  It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.

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  (480): It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car. http://tfl.nu/gkht
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

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  (319): My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home. http://tfl.nu/nin0
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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  (541): you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you http://tfl.nu/5gma
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  (902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

  I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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  (902): I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence. http://tfl.nu/pvbz
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

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  (304): will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back? http://tfl.nu/g3xm
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  (914): View more from New York

  She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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  (914): She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles. http://tfl.nu/pzt3
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.

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  (814): The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate. http://tfl.nu/mnoh
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  (828): View more from North Carolina

  Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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  (828): Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis http://tfl.nu/fz5v
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  (408): View more from California

  he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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  (408): he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink." http://tfl.nu/8gq0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk

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  (617): it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk http://tfl.nu/xjgo
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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  (337): Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night. http://tfl.nu/5kyl
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  (419): View more from Ohio

  fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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  (419): fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back. http://tfl.nu/wq3e
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  (408): View more from California

  4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

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  (408): 4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen. http://tfl.nu/v3bi
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  (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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  (403): Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person. http://tfl.nu/qpdl
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  (806): View more from Texas

  I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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  (806): I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister. http://tfl.nu/4jvf
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

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  (757): then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?! http://tfl.nu/zl1v
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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  (720): I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis http://tfl.nu/ymdq
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  (240): View more from Maryland

  She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.

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  (240): She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text. http://tfl.nu/g6ne
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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  (573): They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt. http://tfl.nu/azqc
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

  (720): View more from Colorado

  and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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  (720): i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944 (720): and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate http://tfl.nu/x2vg
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.

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  (443): Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed. http://tfl.nu/vazj
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  (+03): View more from

  Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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  (+03): Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here' http://tfl.nu/86hi
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  (801): View more from Utah

  I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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  (801): I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine. http://tfl.nu/flen
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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  (816): ... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night. (314): I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it. http://tfl.nu/jfox
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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  (248): yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party http://tfl.nu/f5te
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  (204): View more from Manitoba

  Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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  (204): Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard? http://tfl.nu/3z7i
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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  (508): Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table http://tfl.nu/id1h
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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  (317): How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that. http://tfl.nu/g1sy
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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  (705): i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away http://tfl.nu/zrix
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  (409): View more from Texas

  The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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  (409): The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711. http://tfl.nu/l97v
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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  (773): We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love http://tfl.nu/dxz2
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.

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  (404): considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out. http://tfl.nu/gm4o
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  (407): View more from Florida

  I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.

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  (407): I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist. http://tfl.nu/erea
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  (501): View more from Arkansas

  One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.

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  (501): One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow. http://tfl.nu/77ib
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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  (414): Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that. http://tfl.nu/4zb9
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand

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  (816): I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand http://tfl.nu/mvpq
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  (518): View more from New York

  my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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  (518): my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks http://tfl.nu/8135
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  (647): View more from Ontario

  Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.

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  (647): Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral. http://tfl.nu/3rm8
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  (937): View more from Ohio

  they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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  (937): they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America" http://tfl.nu/sewn
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia

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  (705): my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia http://tfl.nu/20or
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  (905): View more from Ontario

  something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

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  (905): something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance http://tfl.nu/l7ly
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  (917): View more from New York City

  On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests

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  (917): On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests http://tfl.nu/0vji
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  (703): View more from Virginia

  If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

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  (703): If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house? http://tfl.nu/eww0
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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  (503): we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food. http://tfl.nu/i6sw
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  (949): View more from California

  Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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  (949): Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it? http://tfl.nu/e2vj
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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  (317): Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace. http://tfl.nu/qgcb
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  (678): View more from Georgia

  Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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  (678): Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous. http://tfl.nu/26wz
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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  (330): Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron. http://tfl.nu/yv9g
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  (518): View more from New York

  Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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  (518): Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy. http://tfl.nu/6ng1
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  (734): View more from Michigan

  By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.

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  (734): By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on. http://tfl.nu/k86o
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  (214): View more from Texas

  More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings

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  (214): More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings http://tfl.nu/n37n
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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  (978): Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat http://tfl.nu/7lwm
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  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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  (918): Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR http://tfl.nu/fkjm
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  (705): View more from Ontario

  The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"

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  (705): The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?" http://tfl.nu/11uf
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram

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  (708): This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram http://tfl.nu/p4j5
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  (909): View more from California

  that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though

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  (909): that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though http://tfl.nu/jicr
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us

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  (313): We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us http://tfl.nu/w5tj
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  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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  (414): The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there. http://tfl.nu/497c
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.

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  (202): Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this. http://tfl.nu/0xw5
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  (606): View more from Kentucky

  can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

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  (606): can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid? http://tfl.nu/7vpt
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  (407): View more from Florida

  Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

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  (407): Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night. http://tfl.nu/ytoh
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  (504): View more from Louisiana

  they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...

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  (504): they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am... http://tfl.nu/k8x7
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

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  (503): He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off? http://tfl.nu/40hd
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  (228): View more from Mississippi

  thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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  (228): thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God" http://tfl.nu/z3qu
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  (904): View more from Florida

  the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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  (904): the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing http://tfl.nu/38nr
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.

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  (603): She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying. http://tfl.nu/6631
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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  (814): He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well. http://tfl.nu/fer2
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  (210): View more from Texas

  I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.

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  (210): I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours. http://tfl.nu/n5xc
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  (701): View more from North Dakota

  So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

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  (701): So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster http://tfl.nu/imtg
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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  (717): he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club http://tfl.nu/6yea
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  (773): View more from Illinois

  please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

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  (773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes. http://tfl.nu/3kln
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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  (928): Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night. http://tfl.nu/fjny
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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  (262): I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old. http://tfl.nu/6kgo
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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  (919): I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka http://tfl.nu/i4zm
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  (402): View more from Nebraska

  She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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  (402): She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking. http://tfl.nu/91x5
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  It's inspiring.

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  (910): All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day... (910): It's inspiring. http://tfl.nu/vfb2
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom

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  (913): I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom http://tfl.nu/jxft
  Replies (9) Good night (4209) Bad night (716) Order T-Shirt
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase

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  (770): We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase http://tfl.nu/nkt0
  Replies (0) Good night (611) Bad night (2469) Order T-Shirt
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.

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  (443): She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals. http://tfl.nu/esz5
  Replies (14) Good night (2613) Bad night (714) Order T-Shirt
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  (310): View more from California

  Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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  (310): Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius. http://tfl.nu/qlyj
  Replies (30) Good night (1634) Bad night (4309)