Tap Here to view the Mobile Optimized TFLN
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you inspire me to be a worse person
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
That was an excessively violent trivia night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I will pee on everything he values.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I wish I only lived at night.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I think my vagina is haunted
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
what day is it and did you see me today?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Quick, to the slutcave!
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Where is the hickey?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Favorite
Favorite