Texts From Last Night · pyrazoline's Favorites

pyrazoline's Favorites Texts:

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(360): View more from Washington

The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.

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(209): View more from California

I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.

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(310): View more from California

I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.

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(434): View more from Virginia

do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?

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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Read it at the TFLN blog
(310): View more from California

How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.

(1-224): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Read it at the TFLN blog
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?

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(510): View more from California

It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.

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(516): View more from New York

I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.

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(415): View more from California

Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians

(1-415): View more from California

Does the penis have a genital wart?

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(443): View more from Maryland

He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian

(443): View more from Maryland

And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?

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(212): View more from New York

No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?

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(631): View more from New York

I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital

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(510): View more from California

I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.

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(817): View more from Texas

And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey what you doing tonight?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

See you in about a hour

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(301): View more from Maryland

Thanks for the hospitality last night.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You mean sex?

(301): View more from Maryland

Yes....hospitality.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.

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(510): View more from California

Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.

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(512): View more from Texas

at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.

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(415): View more from California

The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.

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(256): View more from Alabama

According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.

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(516): View more from New York

its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.

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(786): View more from Florida

He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!

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(503): View more from Oregon

If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents

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(303): View more from Colorado

I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot

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(818): View more from California

I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy

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(407): View more from Florida

My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(515): View more from Iowa

There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard

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(302): View more from Delaware

But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

What are you gunna do with your life today

(1-630): View more from Illinois

put it back together

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that

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(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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(312): View more from Illinois

He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!

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(408): View more from California

hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner

(1-408): View more from California

if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

gay sex achievement: unlocked

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

what

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

you told me you were going out for groceries!!

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(206): View more from Washington

it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't like kids.

(928): View more from Arizona

You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago

(702): View more from Nevada

I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.

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(914): View more from New York

There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up

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(559): View more from California

he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(359): View more from

A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.

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(361): View more from Texas

I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong

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(512): View more from Texas

We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(510): View more from California

Drunk is not a location!

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(217): View more from Illinois

i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

wait you like me?? for my personality??

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I know I was surprised too

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(213): View more from California

You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.

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(863): View more from Florida

Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.

(813): View more from Florida

What. The. Fuck.

(863): View more from Florida

Family acid trip.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job

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(702): View more from Nevada

can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt

(702): View more from Nevada

maybe shoes and water too

(702): View more from Nevada

oh and maybe a noose to hang myself

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".

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(+61): View more from Australia

This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?

(1-501): View more from Arkansas

The priest.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

You are my new hero

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(941): View more from Florida

I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.

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(469): View more from Texas

Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!

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(601): View more from Mississippi

At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(352): View more from Florida

Ok so I need a recap of last night...

(813): View more from Florida

YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Proud of you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.

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(240): View more from Maryland

shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

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(516): View more from New York

I am a bad person

(508): View more from Massachusetts

You slept with him. Was it good?

(516): View more from New York

I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress

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(904): View more from Florida

how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot

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(802): View more from Vermont

New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.

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(626): View more from California

If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.

(1-626): View more from California

all $38?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask

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(626): View more from California

I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.

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(979): View more from Texas

Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other

(1-979): View more from Texas

LOL its 11 am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(303): View more from Colorado

there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure that's yours.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?

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(813): View more from Florida

Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.

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(915): View more from Texas

Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?

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(607): View more from New York

IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.

(1-607): View more from New York

You're such a supportive sister.

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(226): View more from Ontario

he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!

(1-226): View more from Ontario

Poor life choices...?

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(425): View more from Washington

I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

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(360): View more from Washington

It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I love having hate sex.

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(516): View more from New York

its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved

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(315): View more from New York

idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

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(425): View more from Washington

Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick

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(623): View more from Arizona

There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.

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(347): View more from New York

Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.

(231): View more from Michigan

Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.

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(585): View more from New York

Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.

(516): View more from New York

True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.

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(563): View more from Iowa

smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Jake bring pizza.

(775): View more from Nevada

JAKE BRING PIZZA.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(845): View more from New York

Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way

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(949): View more from California

So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(914): View more from New York

You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.

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(805): View more from California

We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"

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(408): View more from California

We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?

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(914): View more from New York

answer my text you professional douchebag

(914): View more from New York

and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible

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(701): View more from North Dakota

If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.

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(519): View more from Ontario

A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.

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(571): View more from Virginia

When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise

(1-571): View more from Virginia

GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT

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(914): View more from New York

Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?

(718): View more from New York

I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?

(914): View more from New York

Smarter than the average bear

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(315): View more from New York

On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go

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(613): View more from Ontario

Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(905): View more from Toronto

you alive?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin

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(317): View more from Indiana

You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(757): View more from Virginia

high people should be assigned attendants

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"

(978): View more from Massachusetts

or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(804): View more from Virginia

Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!

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(641): View more from Iowa

If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(805): View more from California

Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours

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(614): View more from Ohio

Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts

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(410): View more from Maryland

As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness

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(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

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(585): View more from New York

I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.

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(360): View more from Washington

Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day

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(214): View more from Texas

You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.

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(801): View more from Utah

Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?

(949): View more from California

1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.

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(805): View more from California

HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

(1-805): View more from California

So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(928): View more from Arizona

I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink

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(716): View more from New York

oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear

(1-716): View more from New York

The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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(714): View more from California

Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.

(206): View more from Washington

Definitely not.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.

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(585): View more from New York

You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Fair enough

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room

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(661): View more from California

So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need to stop waking up with no pants on.

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

what happened this time

(504): View more from Louisiana

I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room

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(847): View more from Illinois

why did i wake up in the bathroom?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???

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(815): View more from Illinois

My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him

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(304): View more from West Virginia

When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom

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(778): View more from British Columbia

did you make it home?

(604): View more from British Columbia

i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)

(778): View more from British Columbia

hahah close nuff if it isnt

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.

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(425): View more from Washington

Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges

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(816): View more from Missouri

I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.

(248): View more from Michigan

What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?

(816): View more from Missouri

Honestly that's best case scenario.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture

(1-802): View more from Vermont

thank god there was never an after picture.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet

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(804): View more from Virginia

He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!

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(716): View more from New York

roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.

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(660): View more from Missouri

It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

your aware she lit herself on fire, right?

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(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

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(516): View more from New York

Come through the front door when you get here.

(1-516): View more from New York

Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(626): View more from California

Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

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(563): View more from Iowa

How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?

(1-563): View more from Iowa

The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?

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(206): View more from Washington

I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.

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(315): View more from New York

mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(989): View more from Michigan

Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.

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(518): View more from New York

It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.

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(415): View more from California

The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(313): View more from Michigan

They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.

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(760): View more from California

I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(707): View more from California

Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door

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(440): View more from Ohio

I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.

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(530): View more from California

Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.

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(360): View more from Washington

So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.

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(661): View more from California

I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."

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(513): View more from Ohio

And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal

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(613): View more from Ontario

On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(408): View more from California

I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.

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(425): View more from Washington

Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser

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(949): View more from California

I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.

(949): View more from California

In a moving vehicle and other people in the car

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.

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(727): View more from Florida

The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you

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(925): View more from California

can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs

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(310): View more from California

Can we just ponder our lives for a second.

(818): View more from California

No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.

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(509): View more from Washington

With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list

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(573): View more from Missouri

The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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(631): View more from New York

He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(210): View more from Texas

Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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(925): View more from California

the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".

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(214): View more from Texas

Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.

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(773): View more from Illinois

We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!

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(564): View more from Washington

I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger

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(406): View more from Montana

Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.

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(703): View more from Virginia

someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?

(804): View more from Virginia

go meet him and give him your number.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.

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(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

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(216): View more from Ohio

So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.

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(325): View more from Texas

'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?

(1-325): View more from Texas

oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?

(325): View more from Texas

I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.

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(330): View more from Ohio

do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr

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(541): View more from Oregon

How are you feeling?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home

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(206): View more from Washington

After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.

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(530): View more from California

he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.

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(661): View more from California

He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.

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(757): View more from Virginia

now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined

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(407): View more from Florida

Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.

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(509): View more from Washington

I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.

(609): View more from New Jersey

That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?

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(269): View more from Michigan

i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table

(804): View more from Virginia

by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

All im saying is that my face might fall off.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.

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(513): View more from Ohio

right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i think i scared a bird with my dick

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.

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(562): View more from California

I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(650): View more from California

like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.

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(631): View more from New York

I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body

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(206): View more from Washington

You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(734): View more from Michigan

So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?

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(613): View more from Ontario

After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.

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(360): View more from Washington

High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.

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(432): View more from Texas

Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!

(334): View more from Alabama

I will chop off your penis

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(678): View more from Georgia

I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"

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(971): View more from Oregon

Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account

(971): View more from Oregon

It could happen to you too!

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well in DOG beers, i've only had one

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates

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(847): View more from Illinois

You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final

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(801): View more from Utah

You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(925): View more from California

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me

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(314): View more from Missouri

You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush

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(404): View more from Georgia

You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE

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(613): View more from Ontario

Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(909): View more from California

dude i'm inner monologue high

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(705): View more from Ontario

Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.

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(817): View more from Texas

Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.

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(940): View more from Texas

it's like heaven, but drunker

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(513): View more from Ohio

"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.

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(1-517): View more from Michigan

So what did you do since you didn't go out?

(517): View more from Michigan

...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?

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(317): View more from Indiana

i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage

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(913): View more from Kansas

He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.

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(509): View more from Washington

he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.

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(512): View more from Texas

But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....

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(256): View more from Alabama

If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.

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(512): View more from Texas

Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.

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(845): View more from New York

You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM

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(718): View more from New York

Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.

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(208): View more from Idaho

COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.

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(360): View more from Washington

Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.

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(740): View more from Ohio

No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you

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(320): View more from Minnesota

God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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(317): View more from Indiana

hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'

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(301): View more from Maryland

Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.

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(772): View more from Florida

You're fine

(585): View more from New York

I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

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(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...

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(315): View more from New York

15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...

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(404): View more from Georgia

this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night

(404): View more from Georgia

i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator

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(806): View more from Texas

We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(315): View more from New York

Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(207): View more from Maine

I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to

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(661): View more from California

I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call

(720): View more from Colorado

Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

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(216): View more from Ohio

we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?

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(714): View more from California

Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing

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(682): View more from Texas

Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."

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(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

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(619): View more from California

I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.

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(863): View more from Florida

Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?

(863): View more from Florida

The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.

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(909): View more from California

Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.

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(408): View more from California

Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.

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(315): View more from New York

Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail

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(917): View more from New York City

My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts

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(912): View more from Georgia

Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(503): View more from Oregon

when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?

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(415): View more from California

And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve

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(646): View more from New York

I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.

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(209): View more from California

You ruined the universe

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it

(1-512): View more from Texas

We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...

(512): View more from Texas

This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.

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(750): View more from

Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....

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(443): View more from Maryland

like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?

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(805): View more from California

My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.

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(207): View more from Maine

It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF

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(703): View more from Virginia

there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.

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(619): View more from California

Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.

(1-619): View more from California

i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!

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(905): View more from Ontario

I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy

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(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(407): View more from Florida

Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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(303): View more from Colorado

Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega

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(660): View more from Missouri

He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(703): View more from Virginia

so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who keeps a bong in their car??

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I must be too annoying 4 u.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.

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(806): View more from Texas

I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.

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(404): View more from Georgia

where are you?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

sonic

(404): View more from Georgia

Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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(707): View more from California

I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day

(408): View more from California

Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.

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(818): View more from California

I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.

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(619): View more from California

If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(602): View more from Arizona

I like to think it a success when the cops are called

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(214): View more from Texas

Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(518): View more from New York

You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops

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(613): View more from Ontario

Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.

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(858): View more from California

someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(573): View more from Missouri

Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...

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(206): View more from Washington

The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...

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(914): View more from New York

I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?

(408): View more from California

we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(904): View more from Florida

thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..

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(810): View more from Michigan

You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This can only be settled by a dance off.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Oh god it's open bar.

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(714): View more from California

Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down

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(425): View more from Washington

Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"

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(503): View more from Oregon

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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(712): View more from Iowa

the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout

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(440): View more from Ohio

I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

i just want things to go smoothly

(1-618): View more from Illinois

oh they won't lmao

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.

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(801): View more from Utah

Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.

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(801): View more from Utah

All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.

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(602): View more from Arizona

My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets

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(518): View more from New York

It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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(305): View more from Florida

My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(360): View more from Washington

would you consider him our boss?

(503): View more from Oregon

technically yes

(360): View more from Washington

then technically i slept with our boss

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(636): View more from Missouri

Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.

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(510): View more from California

God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot

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(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

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(773): View more from Illinois

We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am

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(765): View more from Indiana

We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships

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(985): View more from Louisiana

drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.

(985): View more from Louisiana

its good to be home.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also I found and fixed my beer gun.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space

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(312): View more from Illinois

That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

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(765): View more from Indiana

My grandma had to be escorted out by police.

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(602): View more from Arizona

OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now

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(512): View more from Texas

i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years

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(818): View more from California

Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.

(818): View more from California

Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.

(818): View more from California

And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(731): View more from Tennessee

We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?

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(707): View more from California

get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night

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(404): View more from Georgia

why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(805): View more from California

I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka

(714): View more from California

I could

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.

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(650): View more from California

Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner

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(727): View more from Florida

Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.

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(631): View more from New York

I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.

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(256): View more from Alabama

On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?

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(858): View more from California

I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Finding that toy duck there was weird right?

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(313): View more from Michigan

You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Imagine not having to fake it.

(423): View more from Tennessee

Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.

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(801): View more from Utah

Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.

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(925): View more from California

i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on

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(917): View more from New York City

Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist

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(330): View more from Ohio

You have plans tonight?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope

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(309): View more from Illinois

WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(818): View more from California

I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(970): View more from Colorado

There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I spit up blood this morning

(206): View more from Washington

That's vegas.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you win?

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(630): View more from Illinois

If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.

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(510): View more from California

i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers

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(630): View more from Illinois

Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today

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(+61): View more from Australia

The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there

(217): View more from Illinois

Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is

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(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok

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(707): View more from California

WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom

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(619): View more from California

I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham

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(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen

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(916): View more from California

Just got yelled at by a priest...again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?

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(513): View more from Ohio

He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!

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(408): View more from California

she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie

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(415): View more from California

I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(714): View more from California

I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.

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(805): View more from California

do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".

(908): View more from New Jersey

That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Banned from zoo.

(301): View more from Maryland

Again?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am

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(914): View more from New York

First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(631): View more from New York

"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(813): View more from Florida

I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?

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(541): View more from Oregon

How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Lets get a boat first.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.

(803): View more from South Carolina

I love you

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(786): View more from Florida

Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(480): View more from Arizona

The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".

(602): View more from Arizona

It's gonna be a good night

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.

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(707): View more from California

Can't talk, ducks in the car

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I think he just caught a duck in mid flight

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(+61): View more from Australia

I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

He does that

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(831): View more from California

It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.

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(805): View more from California

It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife

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(209): View more from California

Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING

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(512): View more from Texas

he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"

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(518): View more from New York

hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river

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(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?

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(519): View more from Ontario

ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.

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(760): View more from California

What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo

(619): View more from California

Cremation, why do you ask?

(760): View more from California

I think we have a bit of a problem

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(314): View more from Missouri

Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs

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(319): View more from Iowa

Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?

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(707): View more from California

According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.

(253): View more from Washington

You called the wrong number but I salute you.

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(925): View more from California

I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you mean still drunk

(203): View more from Connecticut

I've heard it both ways

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair

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(516): View more from New York

Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god

(1-516): View more from New York

You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

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(813): View more from Florida

Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.

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(585): View more from New York

Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(623): View more from Arizona

I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began

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(907): View more from Alaska

The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.

(907): View more from Alaska

Nevermind, it's not water.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(216): View more from Ohio

just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.

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(972): View more from Texas

you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.

(214): View more from Texas

round 2?

(972): View more from Texas

EVER.

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(212): View more from New York

Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

dude where did you go last night?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

when the tequila says to run, you start running.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after

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(884): View more from

My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second

(212): View more from New York

Hashtag Pathetic

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(512): View more from Texas

are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You are my mentor.

(276): View more from Virginia

I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.

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(707): View more from California

all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit

(720): View more from Colorado

screw you you golddigging beer snob

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We call him Texas for a reason.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

You're such a Yankee.

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(561): View more from Florida

Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone

(385): View more from Utah

At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???

(801): View more from Utah

In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.

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(207): View more from Maine

And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.

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(678): View more from Georgia

if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Why are your pants in the freezer?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.

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(785): View more from Kansas

HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night

(785): View more from Kansas

and flaming arrows and vodka

(785): View more from Kansas

how did we not set your garage on fire

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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(519): View more from Ontario

My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now

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(417): View more from Missouri

I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.

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(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.

(503): View more from Oregon

Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

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(514): View more from Quebec

we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill

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(716): View more from New York

I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Come see our sink grown plant.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

he should get drunk with us

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(206): View more from Washington

the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now

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(630): View more from Illinois

The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.

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(847): View more from Illinois

There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome

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(925): View more from California

I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Last time i carry you out of a forest

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(530): View more from California

We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(425): View more from Washington

So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.

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(925): View more from California

He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(419): View more from Ohio

Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(713): View more from Texas

I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.

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(210): View more from Texas

I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me

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(906): View more from Michigan

Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.

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(434): View more from Virginia

The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!

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(240): View more from Maryland

I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods

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(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.

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(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

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(607): View more from New York

Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"

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(850): View more from Florida

Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(916): View more from California

Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.

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(713): View more from Texas

you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.

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(214): View more from Texas

didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(206): View more from Washington

Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.

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(406): View more from Montana

Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation

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(310): View more from California

Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night

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(903): View more from Texas

u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?

(214): View more from Texas

Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.

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(234): View more from Ohio

What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(714): View more from California

I think I am morally bankrupt

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?

(216): View more from Ohio

Turn them off?

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(310): View more from California

Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.

(1-310): View more from California

Shall we take a trip back?

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(760): View more from California

I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've fallen from my one moral pedestal

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(562): View more from California

There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

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(716): View more from New York

it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.

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(207): View more from Maine

I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.

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(416): View more from Toronto

There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really

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(217): View more from Illinois

I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(

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(618): View more from Illinois

I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals

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(917): View more from New York City

I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals

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(586): View more from Michigan

I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.

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(585): View more from New York

You were more fun when you didn't have morals.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.

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(917): View more from New York City

My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes

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(303): View more from Colorado

pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.

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(740): View more from Ohio

You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt

(607): View more from New York

Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!

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(716): View more from New York

Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?

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(705): View more from Ontario

so like

(705): View more from Ontario

i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away

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(425): View more from Washington

It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.

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(347): View more from New York

When are you not under some influence?

(917): View more from New York City

Since last Tuesday...yesterday.

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(818): View more from California

idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

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(314): View more from Missouri

went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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(310): View more from California

So how was last night?

(1-310): View more from California

Let's just say I danced with the devil

(310): View more from California

Huh?

(1-310): View more from California

I'm going to Hell for sure

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF

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(716): View more from New York

Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I have demons in me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

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(206): View more from Washington

View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.

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(585): View more from New York

The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming

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(415): View more from California

I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(313): View more from Michigan

Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.

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(518): View more from New York

We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you

(571): View more from Virginia

Bonus points are bonus points regardless

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(303): View more from Colorado

that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.

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(650): View more from California

How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(425): View more from Washington

Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now

(248): View more from Michigan

I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!

(248): View more from Michigan

I am absolutely hammered

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(407): View more from Florida

Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(325): View more from Texas

She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.

(336): View more from North Carolina

You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.

(704): View more from North Carolina

Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive

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(706): View more from Georgia

He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.

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(269): View more from Michigan

1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.

(269): View more from Michigan

7) Noodle arms: engage

(269): View more from Michigan

The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

JESUS

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.

(614): View more from Ohio

I'm Batman.

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(432): View more from Texas

They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.

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(315): View more from New York

Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely

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(641): View more from Iowa

Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.

(641): View more from Iowa

I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(713): View more from Texas

MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.

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(586): View more from Michigan

And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one

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(407): View more from Florida

I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house

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(951): View more from California

ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP

(1-951): View more from California

Have fun and good luck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house

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(702): View more from Nevada

dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos

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(702): View more from Nevada

Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.

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(518): View more from New York

He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.

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(248): View more from Michigan

At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?

(248): View more from Michigan

I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy

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(914): View more from New York

He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.

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(510): View more from California

It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.

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(650): View more from California

I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Why so serious bruh

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(646): View more from New York

I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free

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(425): View more from Washington

So what are you going to be for halloween?

(503): View more from Oregon

A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril

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(951): View more from California

Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.

(1-951): View more from California

I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.

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(406): View more from Montana

She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.

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(530): View more from California

I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.

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(518): View more from New York

It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Mischief managed.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?

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(703): View more from Virginia

She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm afraid to ask, but go on.

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(619): View more from California

i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"

(415): View more from California

what did G.P. say?

(619): View more from California

oddly enough it was a dick pic

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(702): View more from Nevada

listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on

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(586): View more from Michigan

We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

ARE YOU OKAY?

(618): View more from Illinois

Physically? Yes. Morally? No.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.

(303): View more from Colorado

Twice?!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face

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(514): View more from Quebec

all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something

(1-514): View more from Quebec

how did you graduate high school

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.

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(647): View more from Ontario

We're like a dynamic duo.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.

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(716): View more from New York

YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.

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(541): View more from Oregon

the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(415): View more from California

I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend

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(760): View more from California

For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.

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(425): View more from Washington

I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor

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(937): View more from Ohio

I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old

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(843): View more from South Carolina

she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".

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(818): View more from California

Jake died.

(310): View more from California

WTF????????? That's how you tell me????

(818): View more from California

Oops typo. Jake cried.

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(954): View more from Florida

It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

How about we just have a naked taco night instead?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.

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(801): View more from Utah

Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's amazing

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs

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(303): View more from Colorado

Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(817): View more from Texas

He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.

(972): View more from Texas

At least he's honest about how long he'll last.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"

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(703): View more from Virginia

All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

WE ARE DOOMED.

(774): View more from Massachusetts

And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.

(860): View more from Connecticut

it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee

(604): View more from British Columbia

How festive

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???

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(425): View more from Washington

I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.

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(207): View more from Maine

No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.

(207): View more from Maine

What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why are you like this.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.

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(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.

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(805): View more from California

We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free

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(347): View more from New York

Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?

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(317): View more from Indiana

I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.

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(207): View more from Maine

How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.

(248): View more from Michigan

I was...perplexed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.

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(518): View more from New York

Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?

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(310): View more from California

Just called the consul general of France "dude"

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(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

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(510): View more from California

I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.

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(925): View more from California

Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.

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(804): View more from Virginia

French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.

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(716): View more from New York

If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?

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(206): View more from Washington

when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.

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(979): View more from Texas

We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.

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(416): View more from Toronto

My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.

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(415): View more from California

Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT

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(317): View more from Indiana

This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hungover. No words. Just memes.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(630): View more from Illinois

his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.

(248): View more from Michigan

There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.

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(214): View more from Texas

they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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(818): View more from California

Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.

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(949): View more from California

You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Not the worst first impression I've experienced.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?

(224): View more from Illinois

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(702): View more from Nevada

No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(809): View more from Caribbean Islands

*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God

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(416): View more from Toronto

No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere

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(727): View more from Florida

I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun

(1-727): View more from Florida

he's literally satan but yeah probably

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(206): View more from Washington

DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with

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(519): View more from Ontario

Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

congrats on being the token straight people in our group.

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(916): View more from California

You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.

(1-916): View more from California

No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.

(916): View more from California

YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN

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(317): View more from Indiana

You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants

(812): View more from Indiana

That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

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(512): View more from Texas

i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again

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(740): View more from Ohio

so he's a sleeptalker.

(614): View more from Ohio

yeah??

(740): View more from Ohio

"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online

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(650): View more from California

Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

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(309): View more from Illinois

No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.

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(804): View more from Virginia

You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.

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(775): View more from Nevada

For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet

(775): View more from Nevada

Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now

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(716): View more from New York

You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.

(315): View more from New York

Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.

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(813): View more from Florida

I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF

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(650): View more from California

YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS

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(757): View more from Virginia

Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even

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(618): View more from Illinois

Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??

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(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I still maintain we were not that drunk......

(810): View more from Michigan

Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!

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(785): View more from Kansas

Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(917): View more from New York City

Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Or???

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(856): View more from New Jersey

AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME

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(856): View more from New Jersey

extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry

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(360): View more from Washington

Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?

(1-360): View more from Washington

I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(641): View more from Iowa

i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".

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(519): View more from Ontario

There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying

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(231): View more from Michigan

Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10

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(856): View more from New Jersey

COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH

(856): View more from New Jersey

ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT

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(631): View more from New York

Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.

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(905): View more from Ontario

You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing

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(442): View more from California

the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck

(847): View more from Illinois

godspeed

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(303): View more from Colorado

a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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(240): View more from Maryland

You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.

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(716): View more from New York

I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew

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(847): View more from Illinois

YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY

(765): View more from Indiana

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.

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(425): View more from Washington

And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

not that i'm not about exploiting men for money

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling

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(206): View more from Washington

Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard

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(407): View more from Florida

I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

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(616): View more from Michigan

So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(731): View more from Tennessee

you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.

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(314): View more from Missouri

my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them

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(303): View more from Colorado

He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.

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(816): View more from Missouri

The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!

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(407): View more from Florida

The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.

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(517): View more from Michigan

leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things

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(+26): View more from

Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY

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(805): View more from California

Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.

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(804): View more from Virginia

where are you?

(914): View more from New York

in the room with the baby pig

(804): View more from Virginia

k im coming soon

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(425): View more from Washington

I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...

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(216): View more from Ohio

My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.

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(281): View more from Texas

If its not for food we ain't going out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

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(530): View more from California

Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

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(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

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(813): View more from Florida

So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.

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(936): View more from Texas

You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.

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(406): View more from Montana

Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!

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(+61): View more from Australia

Remember the time you cried about coconuts

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.

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(805): View more from California

a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot

(818): View more from California

god is laughing at you again

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(256): View more from Alabama

Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.

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(813): View more from Florida

Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?

(813): View more from Florida

It didn't follow directions.

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(567): View more from Ohio

Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.

(330): View more from Ohio

We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do what your heart wants. . .

(504): View more from Louisiana

My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis

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(949): View more from California

I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences

(714): View more from California

???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences

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(301): View more from Maryland

You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to

(302): View more from Delaware

yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich

(302): View more from Delaware

wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(940): View more from Texas

You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.

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(561): View more from Florida

If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas

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(309): View more from Illinois

Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?

(815): View more from Illinois

And me

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(440): View more from Ohio

i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms

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(678): View more from Georgia

My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?

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(760): View more from California

I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"

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(+61): View more from Australia

Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked

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(623): View more from Arizona

My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.

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(217): View more from Illinois

My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(785): View more from Kansas

He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.

(1-785): View more from Kansas

But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month

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(555): View more from

I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(619): View more from California

Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(989): View more from Michigan

This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"

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(518): View more from New York

If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.

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(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

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(925): View more from California

Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.

(1-925): View more from California

Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(512): View more from Texas

Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him

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(218): View more from Minnesota

nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Holy shit, we're married as fuck.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(805): View more from California

I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/

(917): View more from New York City

It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I touched a dick in church today

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it

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(248): View more from Michigan

At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool

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(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Already got asked if we're dating

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(410): View more from Maryland

Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.

(443): View more from Maryland

Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.

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(845): View more from New York

You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..

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(845): View more from New York

I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.

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(407): View more from Florida

We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.

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(213): View more from California

WTF DUDE?

(323): View more from California

Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this

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(409): View more from Texas

god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(954): View more from Florida

What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?

(904): View more from Florida

Both

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(707): View more from California

you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

how drunk are you?

(952): View more from Minnesota

What does that even mean anymore?

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(315): View more from New York

So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(913): View more from Kansas

i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.

(816): View more from Missouri

i think im in thre room next to you

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can you come get me at the bar

(301): View more from Maryland

ill be there in 10 min

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

can we stop off at build a bear on the way home

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(301): View more from Maryland

You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain

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(314): View more from Missouri

used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(214): View more from Texas

COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

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(214): View more from Texas

Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.

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(512): View more from Texas

did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??

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(518): View more from New York

just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time

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(870): View more from Arkansas

If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

You always know what to say to make me feel better.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(607): View more from New York

So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.

(607): View more from New York

These are the moments that bond souls forever.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do

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(914): View more from New York

I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.

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(727): View more from Florida

hey u leave my anime porn out of this

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.

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(727): View more from Florida

Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow

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(476): View more from

THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.

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(435): View more from Utah

Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.

(616): View more from Michigan

is that what this stuff is?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(831): View more from California

You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!

(408): View more from California

For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?

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(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

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(607): View more from New York

How high are you?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

How high are you?

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(716): View more from New York

You have no concept of how high I am, do you?

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(513): View more from Ohio

chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.

(513): View more from Ohio

Who are you high with right now?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Are you high?

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(970): View more from Colorado

If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

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(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(252): View more from North Carolina

is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?

(513): View more from Ohio

um, yeah. i think it is.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

there needs to be a build-a-bong store...

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(+49): View more from Germany

he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(847): View more from Illinois

no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories

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(919): View more from North Carolina

then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

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(631): View more from New York

I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(231): View more from Michigan

My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

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(810): View more from Michigan

It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

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(417): View more from Missouri

After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing

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(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.

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(916): View more from California

My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.

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(206): View more from Washington

I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.

(810): View more from Michigan

We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Are you texting, crying and driving?

(216): View more from Ohio

And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!

(1-404): View more from Georgia

what drugs are you on?

(404): View more from Georgia

none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Im watching someone hooking up in the library

(970): View more from Colorado

procrastination at its finest

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(760): View more from California

We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix

(760): View more from California

THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE

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(217): View more from Illinois

Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?

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(330): View more from Ohio

ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(713): View more from Texas

Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.

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(410): View more from Maryland

AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX

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(619): View more from California

i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.

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(253): View more from Washington

my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The best revenge is premature balding

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(408): View more from California

hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?

(925): View more from California

Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.

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(256): View more from Alabama

that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys

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(217): View more from Illinois

do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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(585): View more from New York

bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning

(1-585): View more from New York

oh god.. jail?

(585): View more from New York

better, on the catwalk of the auditorium

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(785): View more from Kansas

My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.

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(903): View more from Texas

Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test

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(817): View more from Texas

Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(813): View more from Florida

Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How are you feeling?

(435): View more from Utah

I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?

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(714): View more from California

No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"

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(323): View more from California

The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.

(323): View more from California

Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in

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(516): View more from New York

i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree

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(360): View more from Washington

Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery

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(925): View more from California

Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.

(1-925): View more from California

If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(208): View more from Idaho

Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.

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(207): View more from Maine

Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

You would never do this sober.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.

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(406): View more from Montana

Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.

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(954): View more from Florida

You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."

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(216): View more from Ohio

I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions

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(719): View more from Colorado

We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.

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(231): View more from Michigan

... drunk me broke the coffee table?

(616): View more from Michigan

STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?

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(813): View more from Florida

Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night

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(250): View more from British Columbia

was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(703): View more from Virginia

nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase

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(330): View more from Ohio

I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT

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(425): View more from Washington

I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.

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(661): View more from California

GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

You mean maximum 5?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."

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(770): View more from Georgia

Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(806): View more from Texas

There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.

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(574): View more from Indiana

HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.

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(713): View more from Texas

Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.

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(907): View more from Alaska

When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window

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(415): View more from California

That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.

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(904): View more from Florida

Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.

(631): View more from New York

You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?

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(432): View more from Texas

I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.

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(562): View more from California

Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!

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(937): View more from Ohio

Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.

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(914): View more from New York

this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.

(845): View more from New York

you are a goddess

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(904): View more from Florida

Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise

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(417): View more from Missouri

STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.

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(813): View more from Florida

Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.

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(217): View more from Illinois

There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?

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(407): View more from Florida

It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?

(303): View more from Colorado

They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.

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(631): View more from New York

If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(417): View more from Missouri

When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!

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(541): View more from Oregon

the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control

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(281): View more from Texas

I take it you're alive?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(229): View more from Georgia

I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.

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(512): View more from Texas

Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon

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(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

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(407): View more from Florida

You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.

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(561): View more from Florida

I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now

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(512): View more from Texas

The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(561): View more from Florida

I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.

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(360): View more from Washington

No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.

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(509): View more from Washington

I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm honored.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Kiss

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Puke

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(440): View more from Ohio

By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

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(323): View more from California

Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot

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(203): View more from Connecticut

By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"

(203): View more from Connecticut

So thanks for that

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(347): View more from New York

Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it

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(248): View more from Michigan

dats a huuuuuge bitch!

(773): View more from Illinois

who is this????

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(480): View more from Arizona

you are hot. that is all.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

who is this?

(480): View more from Arizona

the delivery driver from silvermine.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who is this?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what? who is this?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.

(517): View more from Michigan

Who is this?

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(416): View more from Toronto

Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding

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(513): View more from Ohio

So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.

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(716): View more from New York

I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.

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(619): View more from California

You in for a dick vacation?

(1-619): View more from California

YES, even though I have no idea what that means

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite

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(540): View more from Virginia

Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(727): View more from Florida

We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.

(1-727): View more from Florida

I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.

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(239): View more from Florida

I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural

(407): View more from Florida

YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT

(239): View more from Florida

..........

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary

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(518): View more from New York

So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me

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(773): View more from Illinois

we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(647): View more from Ontario

You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep

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(615): View more from Tennessee

SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.

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(512): View more from Texas

You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.

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(310): View more from California

Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle

(859): View more from Kentucky

Guys should not giggle. Ever.

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(914): View more from New York

He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas

(603): View more from New Hampshire

and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you

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(647): View more from Ontario

Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up

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(563): View more from Iowa

The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.

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(512): View more from Texas

You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall

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(406): View more from Montana

I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.

(701): View more from North Dakota

How the fuck do you have so much free time?

(406): View more from Montana

Polyphasic sleep schedule.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.

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(256): View more from Alabama

You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.

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(360): View more from Washington

Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(517): View more from Michigan

A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.

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(823): View more from

Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?

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(510): View more from California

This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.

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(813): View more from Florida

This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy

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(523): View more from

I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower

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(204): View more from Manitoba

we need to invent and abuse teleportation

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?

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(206): View more from Washington

genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.

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(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.

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(312): View more from Illinois

i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just jacked off to nostalgia.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(619): View more from California

I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(812): View more from Indiana

How did your new apartment party go last night?

(219): View more from Indiana

I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

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(810): View more from Michigan

In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way

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(804): View more from Virginia

One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen

(1-804): View more from Virginia

summertime

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm very scared to turn around.

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(716): View more from New York

The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes

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(864): View more from South Carolina

It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster

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(501): View more from Arkansas

The fabulous human disaster: it is him

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.

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(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

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(801): View more from Utah

Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, if you don't take her, I will.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.

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(206): View more from Washington

too bad burritos don't cuddle back

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(512): View more from Texas

We need to rekindle our bromance

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest

(248): View more from Michigan

If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

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(389): View more from

So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

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(714): View more from California

It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends

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(301): View more from Maryland

so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me

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(727): View more from Florida

Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(314): View more from Missouri

the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.

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(520): View more from Arizona

normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat

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(419): View more from Ohio

apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(716): View more from New York

Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(248): View more from Michigan

I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.

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(407): View more from Florida

Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.

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(425): View more from Washington

I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...

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(519): View more from Ontario

You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening

(508): View more from Massachusetts

yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.

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(410): View more from Maryland

just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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(908): View more from New Jersey

fireball beer pong. youre missing out

(732): View more from New Jersey

how is that even possible?

(908): View more from New Jersey

ove gloves.

(732): View more from New Jersey

be there in ten.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men

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(310): View more from California

My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.

(1-310): View more from California

That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Welcome to Philly.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks

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(785): View more from Kansas

And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?

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(813): View more from Florida

Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"

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(406): View more from Montana

this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here

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(313): View more from Michigan

some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.

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(404): View more from Georgia

yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants

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(586): View more from Michigan

Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?

(203): View more from Connecticut

NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?

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(289): View more from Ontario

Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?

(1-289): View more from Ontario

When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha

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(360): View more from Washington

My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!

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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.

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(703): View more from Virginia

WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"

(1-478): View more from Georgia

And thats what homeschooling is for

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My dad just said "fuck circus"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(310): View more from California

He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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(302): View more from Delaware

On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?

(913): View more from Kansas

DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE

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(404): View more from Georgia

Gross! What the hell is that?!?

(623): View more from Arizona

It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.

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(512): View more from Texas

You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.

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(512): View more from Texas

He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"

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(360): View more from Washington

I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here

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(315): View more from New York

FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.

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(559): View more from California

my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

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(409): View more from Texas

i wish i coudl send you meat via computure

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"

(763): View more from Minnesota

and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.

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(647): View more from Ontario

One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I keeping finding meatballs in random places

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(314): View more from Missouri

She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.

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(+91): View more from India

Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.

(+91): View more from India

what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.

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(817): View more from Texas

It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo

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(760): View more from California

I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them

(1-616): View more from Michigan

its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants

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(615): View more from Tennessee

well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you

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(810): View more from Michigan

I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions

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(801): View more from Utah

The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."

(404): View more from Georgia

BAT SHIT CRAZY

(404): View more from Georgia

It's you're fault, even though I never called

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(727): View more from Florida

The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy

(813): View more from Florida

HE'S NOT INVITED!!!

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(214): View more from Texas

I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.

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(914): View more from New York

Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.

(917): View more from New York City

So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?

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(858): View more from California

I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that

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(707): View more from California

Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?

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(593): View more from

Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(850): View more from Florida

Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint

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(313): View more from Michigan

My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night

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(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(518): View more from New York

alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?

(1-518): View more from New York

dude. you drew those with your dick

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.

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(904): View more from Florida

its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes

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(303): View more from Colorado

A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.

(775): View more from Nevada

You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?

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(760): View more from California

You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today

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(510): View more from California

I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.

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(561): View more from Florida

Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?

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(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.

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(872): View more from Illinois

i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here

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(410): View more from Maryland

Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.

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(917): View more from New York City

I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do

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(970): View more from Colorado

Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.

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(707): View more from California

We are horrible

(1-707): View more from California

Yeah but we're also awesome

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(+61): View more from Australia

i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies

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(512): View more from Texas

I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans

(503): View more from Oregon

Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.

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(213): View more from California

I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order

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(208): View more from Idaho

He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me

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(831): View more from California

i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.

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(914): View more from New York

This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(718): View more from New York

Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.

(216): View more from Ohio

He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.

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(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(716): View more from New York

According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".

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(703): View more from Virginia

help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol

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(419): View more from Ohio

You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(765): View more from Indiana

A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

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(212): View more from New York

Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.

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(641): View more from Iowa

If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche

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(424): View more from California

I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.

(479): View more from Arkansas

This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

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(703): View more from Virginia

The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo

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(203): View more from Connecticut

ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD

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(678): View more from Georgia

just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets

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(706): View more from Georgia

He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.

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(716): View more from New York

I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her

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(775): View more from Nevada

I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."

(414): View more from Wisconsin

That's literally the perfect eulogy

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(630): View more from Illinois

Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.

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(661): View more from California

Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist

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(256): View more from Alabama

If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.

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(512): View more from Texas

I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."

(512): View more from Texas

No more tequila EVER.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.

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(805): View more from California

I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.

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(330): View more from Ohio

that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...

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(303): View more from Colorado

He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.

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(804): View more from Virginia

stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen

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(847): View more from Illinois

They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs

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(207): View more from Maine

Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.

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(641): View more from Iowa

bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty

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(480): View more from Arizona

Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?

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(330): View more from Ohio

We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come

(804): View more from Virginia

and you stopped teaching...why?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I think we need to teach you what straight means again

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class

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(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

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(540): View more from Virginia

I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo

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(928): View more from Arizona

Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.

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(310): View more from California

Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter

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(989): View more from Michigan

yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know

(1-989): View more from Michigan

im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.

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(845): View more from New York

There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?

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(240): View more from Maryland

If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.

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(478): View more from Georgia

Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children

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(734): View more from Michigan

He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.

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(509): View more from Washington

The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.

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(858): View more from California

who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.

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(713): View more from Texas

I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.

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(913): View more from Kansas

In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"

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(347): View more from New York

When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up

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(303): View more from Colorado

Billy Mays died!

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans

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(+34): View more from Spain

First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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(541): View more from Oregon

Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand

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(631): View more from New York

using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

oh how i love working at summer camp.

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(216): View more from Ohio

normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures

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(614): View more from Ohio

No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."

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(516): View more from New York

Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?

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(716): View more from New York

Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained

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(901): View more from Tennessee

About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...

(901): View more from Tennessee

Picking our battles

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(561): View more from Florida

I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!

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(301): View more from Maryland

SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban

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(352): View more from Florida

Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live

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(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??

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(704): View more from North Carolina

three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'

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(304): View more from West Virginia

People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(904): View more from Florida

I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment

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(386): View more from Florida

Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.

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(585): View more from New York

His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol

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(706): View more from Georgia

If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?

(901): View more from Tennessee

Most definitely.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.

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(425): View more from Washington

Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?

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(207): View more from Maine

he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.

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(951): View more from California

wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?

(1-951): View more from California

please go to sleep

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(917): View more from New York City

Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship

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(288): View more from

I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

and their significant others

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.

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(941): View more from Florida

I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect

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(214): View more from Texas

If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(703): View more from Virginia

OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK

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(407): View more from Florida

Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list

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(740): View more from Ohio

MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter

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(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

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(425): View more from Washington

There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future

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(315): View more from New York

I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?

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(650): View more from California

I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother

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(425): View more from Washington

I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck

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(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(716): View more from New York

Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?

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(540): View more from Virginia

all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?

(203): View more from Connecticut

bc i get to see you. naked.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(607): View more from New York

I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that

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(515): View more from Iowa

He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm

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(703): View more from Virginia

She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours

(615): View more from Tennessee

This is why you're my favorite TA

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.

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(310): View more from California

I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers

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(317): View more from Indiana

TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.

(415): View more from California

I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext

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(614): View more from Ohio

Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im coming down to miami this weekend

(1-330): View more from Ohio

We shall drink from the everclear river

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(+61): View more from Australia

He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice

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(410): View more from Maryland

It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*

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(727): View more from Florida

Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..

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(916): View more from California

BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you

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(716): View more from New York

Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!

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(678): View more from Georgia

It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.

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(512): View more from Texas

Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?

(1-512): View more from Texas

yes

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(785): View more from Kansas

I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold

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(248): View more from Michigan

brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest

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(613): View more from Ontario

I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Was it a good conversation?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

It was an awkward, sexual conversation.

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(251): View more from Alabama

"Accidentally" bump into him after class.

(734): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.

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(917): View more from New York City

Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)

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(407): View more from Florida

While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(519): View more from Ontario

whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?

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(627): View more from California

some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.

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(903): View more from Texas

Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.

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(914): View more from New York

She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Come get me, I'm fucking scared.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(216): View more from Ohio

I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(210): View more from Texas

I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?

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(492): View more from

Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like

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(925): View more from California

You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

omg mom no

(504): View more from Louisiana

It's so blood brotha crip what be good

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(406): View more from Montana

Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken

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(256): View more from Alabama

Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out

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(206): View more from Washington

I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.

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(417): View more from Missouri

So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?

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(619): View more from California

I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

It has heated floors

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(406): View more from Montana

Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.

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(360): View more from Washington

DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.

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(757): View more from Virginia

According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.

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(541): View more from Oregon

My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!

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(602): View more from Arizona

All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.

(1-602): View more from Arizona

Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.

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(207): View more from Maine

RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR

(207): View more from Maine

THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK

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(901): View more from Tennessee

So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for

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(936): View more from Texas

Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!

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(289): View more from Ontario

If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

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(914): View more from New York

im gay

(203): View more from Connecticut

i know

(914): View more from New York

yea but for you.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Lets go hit some boners bro!

(1-989): View more from Michigan

I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(212): View more from New York

You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?

(475): View more from Connecticut

Yeah?

(212): View more from New York

Stuck it in his pooper.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(727): View more from Florida

This is John, I met you downtown last night.

(407): View more from Florida

Oh, ok.

(727): View more from Florida

This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night

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(647): View more from Ontario

Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it

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(716): View more from New York

I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012

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(310): View more from California

I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected

(1-310): View more from California

Only you would come out as bi like that

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(917): View more from New York City

she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"

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(281): View more from Texas

Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope I went the fuck home like an adult

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(503): View more from Oregon

So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.

(503): View more from Oregon

He asked if he could come over tomorrow....

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(402): View more from Nebraska

New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.

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(989): View more from Michigan

So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Me too.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.

(615): View more from Tennessee

UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD

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(425): View more from Washington

And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.

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(720): View more from Colorado

There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(303): View more from Colorado

The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Sext me about skeletons

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(+27): View more from South Africa

i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.

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(619): View more from California

So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.

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(719): View more from Colorado

your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.

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(407): View more from Florida

There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW

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(843): View more from South Carolina

What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.

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(510): View more from California

Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(+46): View more from Sweden

I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?

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(949): View more from California

Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.

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(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Did we use protection last night?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Um, no...keep in touch, okay?

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(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.

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(305): View more from Florida

He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".

(1-503): View more from Oregon

That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex

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(925): View more from California

so explain again why im purple

(617): View more from Massachusetts

no

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson

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(256): View more from Alabama

I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(972): View more from Texas

By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

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(207): View more from Maine

just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(302): View more from Delaware

THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA

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(440): View more from Ohio

For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??

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(956): View more from Texas

I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again

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(708): View more from Illinois

just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(716): View more from New York

I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.

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(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

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(407): View more from Florida

Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.

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(646): View more from New York

Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now

(646): View more from New York

Goodbee

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(702): View more from Nevada

I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(443): View more from Maryland

First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh

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(716): View more from New York

If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A

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(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?

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(616): View more from Michigan

EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD

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(925): View more from California

I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me

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(315): View more from New York

She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.

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(858): View more from California

you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.

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(956): View more from Texas

Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.

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(706): View more from Georgia

just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.

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(253): View more from Washington

How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.

(917): View more from New York City

Gotta love Minnesota

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."

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(972): View more from Texas

I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.

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(626): View more from California

I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?

(828): View more from North Carolina

if not i want to bang those glasses off his face

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.

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(641): View more from Iowa

This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major

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(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

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(925): View more from California

I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it

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(607): View more from New York

I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on

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(561): View more from Florida

I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(469): View more from Texas

On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses

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(312): View more from Illinois

You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.

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(607): View more from New York

There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have edible shot glasses at target.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

There really is a God.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time

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(914): View more from New York

We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.

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(587): View more from Alberta

His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

(587): View more from Alberta

She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though

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(614): View more from Ohio

He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover

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(208): View more from Idaho

This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?

(313): View more from Michigan

Ya

(586): View more from Michigan

I used to kick so much ass

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.

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(216): View more from Ohio

My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.

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(707): View more from California

I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.

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(425): View more from Washington

I need a beard to bite.

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(434): View more from Virginia

If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime

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(216): View more from Ohio

guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

Are you at a park?

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(703): View more from Virginia

look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys

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(623): View more from Arizona

His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(415): View more from California

How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Good news my life of crime finally paid off

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(217): View more from Illinois

Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?

(217): View more from Illinois

Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate

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(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

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(630): View more from Illinois

Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.

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(805): View more from California

I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy

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(226): View more from Ontario

I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor

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(906): View more from Michigan

You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"

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(815): View more from Illinois

After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack

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(517): View more from Michigan

CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS

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(209): View more from California

2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.

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(515): View more from Iowa

yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now

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(231): View more from Michigan

Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.

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(404): View more from Georgia

the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot

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(573): View more from Missouri

So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40

(417): View more from Missouri

I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers

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(773): View more from Illinois

Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(716): View more from New York

You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.

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(917): View more from New York City

i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Your favorite bartender is back from prision

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(914): View more from New York

At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji

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(612): View more from Minnesota

YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS

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(226): View more from Ontario

I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.

(613): View more from Ontario

The fuck? Where?

(226): View more from Ontario

St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN

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(970): View more from Colorado

Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together

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(512): View more from Texas

So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat

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(937): View more from Ohio

We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?

(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living

(318): View more from Louisiana

It's like we're not even friends

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(310): View more from California

Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.

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(408): View more from California

you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.

(479): View more from Arkansas

YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT

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(319): View more from Iowa

Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store

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(406): View more from Montana

I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form

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(562): View more from California

I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.

(217): View more from Illinois

Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child

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(303): View more from Colorado

Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night

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(802): View more from Vermont

Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail

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(847): View more from Illinois

My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....

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(713): View more from Texas

i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(571): View more from Virginia

the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.

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(614): View more from Ohio

telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.

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(912): View more from Georgia

No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.

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(516): View more from New York

You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.

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(716): View more from New York

I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.

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(352): View more from Florida

To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.

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(765): View more from Indiana

According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.

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(727): View more from Florida

The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.

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(407): View more from Florida

I got inside last night via doggy door

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(904): View more from Florida

I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.

Fav 1 271 164
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(415): View more from California

I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.

Fav 1 624 189
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(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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(517): View more from Michigan

I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.

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(805): View more from California

I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.

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(207): View more from Maine

The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.

(207): View more from Maine

welcome to maine.

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(514): View more from Quebec

It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

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(585): View more from New York

Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.

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(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

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(707): View more from California

its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(734): View more from Michigan

this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

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(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(360): View more from Washington

There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.

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(760): View more from California

We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(620): View more from Kansas

Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

Tequila.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(975): View more from Missouri

At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.

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(516): View more from New York

You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito

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(952): View more from Minnesota

High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.

(732): View more from New Jersey

you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.

(732): View more from New Jersey

IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us

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(509): View more from Washington

This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.

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(914): View more from New York

Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.

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(818): View more from California

Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.

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(512): View more from Texas

My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"

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(770): View more from Georgia

You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Is she still in your room?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.

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(903): View more from Texas

He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You have found the Promised Land of friend zones

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(430): View more from Texas

If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.

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(406): View more from Montana

"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"

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(678): View more from Georgia

If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.

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(206): View more from Washington

If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.

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(909): View more from California

HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.

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(912): View more from Georgia

We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year

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(818): View more from California

Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah

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(317): View more from Indiana

I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes

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(951): View more from California

It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit

(978): View more from Massachusetts

no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here

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(904): View more from Florida

So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?

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(425): View more from Washington

Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too

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(561): View more from Florida

Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.

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(631): View more from New York

He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.

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(561): View more from Florida

jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on

(908): View more from New Jersey

I knew I fell for you for a reason

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I don't have any soul left to be crushed.

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(616): View more from Michigan

i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia

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(216): View more from Ohio

Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.

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(425): View more from Washington

Talking to him sober hurts my brain

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(303): View more from Colorado

The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.

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(440): View more from Ohio

See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.

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(650): View more from California

I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.

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(801): View more from Utah

He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn

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(847): View more from Illinois

You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.

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(214): View more from Texas

Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am to reach this level of casual destruction.

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(+49): View more from Germany

I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(408): View more from California

I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible

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(303): View more from Colorado

she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?

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(805): View more from California

I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof

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(347): View more from New York

Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(562): View more from California

If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.

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(419): View more from Ohio

it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)

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(518): View more from New York

I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes

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(408): View more from California

that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence

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(650): View more from California

Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse

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(757): View more from Virginia

All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

(513): View more from Ohio

is this your pickup line?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.

(512): View more from Texas

That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

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(253): View more from Washington

At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.

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(914): View more from New York

We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.

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(432): View more from Texas

I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...

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(314): View more from Missouri

The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(909): View more from California

College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(757): View more from Virginia

YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

Wait, that's an option?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this

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(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.

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(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

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(435): View more from Utah

Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.

(904): View more from Florida

You're a good person. Sharing is caring.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm just crazy horny about you

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(702): View more from Nevada

You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(517): View more from Michigan

On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out

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(585): View more from New York

Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?

(716): View more from New York

I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.

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(775): View more from Nevada

are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise

(702): View more from Nevada

I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise

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(251): View more from Alabama

My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.

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(518): View more from New York

Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.

(1-518): View more from New York

Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

it was a sexy soul patch.

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(770): View more from Georgia

They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM

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(307): View more from Wyoming

My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

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(586): View more from Michigan

I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching

(586): View more from Michigan

Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)

(586): View more from Michigan

It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie

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(720): View more from Colorado

Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"

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(480): View more from Arizona

I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.

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(209): View more from California

We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?

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(325): View more from Texas

Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If I was on drugs, this would be amazing

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

batman just walked across the sidewalk

(1-630): View more from Illinois

lay off the drugs

(630): View more from Illinois

no for real he was wearing a cape

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(312): View more from Illinois

Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team

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(304): View more from West Virginia

watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?

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(424): View more from California

Update: I may or may not be in a cult

(424): View more from California

Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.

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(805): View more from California

I want to eat a stick of butter

(1-805): View more from California

Did your pain meds kick in?

(805): View more from California

It tastes nice

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin

(908): View more from New Jersey

i apologize, I may have called you an iguana

(908): View more from New Jersey

Mistakes were made

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(210): View more from Texas

did u drive by my house last night?

(210): View more from Texas

bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.

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(561): View more from Florida

am i new drunk or am i still drunk

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(714): View more from California

OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire

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(217): View more from Illinois

Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.

(309): View more from Illinois

Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.

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(915): View more from Texas

Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.

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(630): View more from Illinois

and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?

(630): View more from Illinois

only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here

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(703): View more from Virginia

Are you alive?

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I woke up under the pier.

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(904): View more from Florida

I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.

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(917): View more from New York City

He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them

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(347): View more from New York

my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.

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(913): View more from Kansas

as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up

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(404): View more from Georgia

we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success

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(916): View more from California

I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline

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(240): View more from Maryland

Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.

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(289): View more from Ontario

I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.

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(801): View more from Utah

I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit

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(702): View more from Nevada

I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer

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(310): View more from California

If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great

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(443): View more from Maryland

okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is so annoying

(513): View more from Ohio

so stop sleeping with him

(937): View more from Ohio

yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(805): View more from California

my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray

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(302): View more from Delaware

you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.

(1-302): View more from Delaware

he's 29.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

So how was the sex with me last night?

(703): View more from Virginia

No worse than usual.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Did you high five my face last night?

(417): View more from Missouri

Yes. Yes I did.

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(740): View more from Ohio

mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.

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(713): View more from Texas

Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can you repeat that, but with context?

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(904): View more from Florida

He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.

(904): View more from Florida

Which I appreciated.

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(940): View more from Texas

Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."

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(224): View more from Illinois

You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.

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(360): View more from Washington

After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.

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(815): View more from Illinois

The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza

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(585): View more from New York

And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies

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(812): View more from Indiana

I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth

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(256): View more from Alabama

It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™

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(408): View more from California

You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque

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(314): View more from Missouri

That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk

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(229): View more from Georgia

If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(317): View more from Indiana

The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Ya that ship has sailed dude

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.

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(905): View more from Ontario

You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw

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(415): View more from California

I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go

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(970): View more from Colorado

Did we have sex last night?

(317): View more from Indiana

No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY

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(440): View more from Ohio

Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something

(513): View more from Ohio

Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking

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(775): View more from Nevada

Sure. But we have to be quiet.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Ninja mode activated

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(303): View more from Colorado

can you please not set my house on fire for once???

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.

(512): View more from Texas

Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(660): View more from Missouri

People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic

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(240): View more from Maryland

Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.

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(408): View more from California

So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl

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(701): View more from North Dakota

And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex

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(661): View more from California

All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.

(310): View more from California

I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.

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(909): View more from California

good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant

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(214): View more from Texas

in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now

(469): View more from Texas

Pride?

(214): View more from Texas

thats a pack of cougars

(469): View more from Texas

go fuck yourself

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part

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(248): View more from Michigan

About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public

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(360): View more from Washington

I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(407): View more from Florida

Beer acquired. Food is cooking

(1-407): View more from Florida

Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

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(775): View more from Nevada

Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That's what friends are foooooooor!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?

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(810): View more from Michigan

Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

A safari of penis I hurt to the core

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea

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(770): View more from Georgia

I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.

(404): View more from Georgia

Clearly, you already have. Both of them.

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(714): View more from California

Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.

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(786): View more from Florida

I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.

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(323): View more from California

Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(323): View more from California

It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent

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(231): View more from Michigan

He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?

(816): View more from Missouri

Regretting asking you what you were doing.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(785): View more from Kansas

last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.

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(386): View more from Florida

At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?

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(205): View more from Alabama

And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.

(251): View more from Alabama

Isn't that our default mode?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.

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(206): View more from Washington

You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.

(360): View more from Washington

1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you

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(216): View more from Ohio

I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.

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(206): View more from Washington

But did u die

(206): View more from Washington

I found an onion in my purse

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(714): View more from California

So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(585): View more from New York

well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I wearing a dog collar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics

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(343): View more from Ontario

That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept

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(443): View more from Maryland

The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him

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(510): View more from California

So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.

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(315): View more from New York

I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you

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(805): View more from California

What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie

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(406): View more from Montana

It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Of course. Go big or go home.

(330): View more from Ohio

You're my fucking queen.

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(315): View more from New York

My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?

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(845): View more from New York

The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.

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(917): View more from New York City

She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.

(312): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to know.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her

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(706): View more from Georgia

I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...

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(208): View more from Idaho

Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!

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(620): View more from Kansas

We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.

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(770): View more from Georgia

So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?

(404): View more from Georgia

So many things can go wrong tonight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Coming to you live from the floor of my office..

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(972): View more from Texas

So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(517): View more from Michigan

when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.

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(436): View more from

He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?

(868): View more from Trinidad and Tobago-Carib

A bag of dicks

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's dating life

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning

(248): View more from Michigan

Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing

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(586): View more from Michigan

So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!

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(510): View more from California

apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.

(919): View more from North Carolina

my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(520): View more from Arizona

he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it

(987): View more from

im ashamed your my cousin

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.

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(914): View more from New York

Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.

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(305): View more from Florida

As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(209): View more from California

I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.

(209): View more from California

Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.

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(816): View more from Missouri

The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.

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(240): View more from Maryland

The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!

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(330): View more from Ohio

The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.

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(925): View more from California

I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.

(480): View more from Arizona

I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again

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(614): View more from Ohio

Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.

(816): View more from Missouri

Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.

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(360): View more from Washington

someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.

(423): View more from Tennessee

I felt the need to accentuate it....

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.

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(239): View more from Florida

Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you

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(251): View more from Alabama

I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

It was totally the lead singer.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...

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(941): View more from Florida

he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"

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(714): View more from California

I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover

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(206): View more from Washington

Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk

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(360): View more from Washington

I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.

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(301): View more from Maryland

WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!

(240): View more from Maryland

Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...

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(240): View more from Maryland

By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone

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(613): View more from Ontario

The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.

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(352): View more from Florida

Billy Mays is dead too!

(1-352): View more from Florida

Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(510): View more from California

Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK

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(636): View more from Missouri

In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"

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(231): View more from Michigan

That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.

(231): View more from Michigan

He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.

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(646): View more from New York

Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable

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(515): View more from Iowa

We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear to god those aren't related

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(248): View more from Michigan

Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I don't know what to say

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(616): View more from Michigan

Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.

(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you

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(541): View more from Oregon

YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?

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(231): View more from Michigan

if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death

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(740): View more from Ohio

we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus

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(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(815): View more from Illinois

A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"

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(626): View more from California

Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.

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(515): View more from Iowa

...there is blood under my fingernails.

(515): View more from Iowa

...I hope my roomates are okay.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(206): View more from Washington

My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed

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(630): View more from Illinois

Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.

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(925): View more from California

We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign

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(239): View more from Florida

The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"

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(760): View more from California

You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker

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(208): View more from Idaho

You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(217): View more from Illinois

BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS

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(917): View more from New York City

sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.

(917): View more from New York City

that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.

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(425): View more from Washington

Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...

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(408): View more from California

Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy

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(905): View more from Ontario

Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.

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(301): View more from Maryland

You told your family you're bi over the phone?!

(240): View more from Maryland

We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

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(831): View more from California

He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.

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(719): View more from Colorado

"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud

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(256): View more from Alabama

Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."

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(561): View more from Florida

Woke up in time for my 8:15

(518): View more from New York

Good for you I'm impressed

(561): View more from Florida

I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester

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(208): View more from Idaho

This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus

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(310): View more from California

Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(206): View more from Washington

No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.

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(408): View more from California

PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window

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(315): View more from New York

Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns

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(813): View more from Florida

For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.

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(315): View more from New York

Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry

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(630): View more from Illinois

I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"

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(310): View more from California

How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(909): View more from California

I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.

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(718): View more from New York

Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.

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(253): View more from Washington

i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?

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(269): View more from Michigan

We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over

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(585): View more from New York

Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.

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(907): View more from Alaska

He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.

(1-516): View more from New York

Thanks for the support, sis.

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(714): View more from California

Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(540): View more from Virginia

Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.

(575): View more from New Mexico

Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.

(925): View more from California

I'll make missing person signs.

(937): View more from Ohio

You're a good friend.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.

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(406): View more from Montana

What's goes good with Everclear?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...

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(719): View more from Colorado

You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class

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(760): View more from California

Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.

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(239): View more from Florida

Is Oprah even human

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(310): View more from California

So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.

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(630): View more from Illinois

your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.

(630): View more from Illinois

also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?

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(503): View more from Oregon

At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men

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(309): View more from Illinois

Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.

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(831): View more from California

sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing

(408): View more from California

it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.

(678): View more from Georgia

C smoking isn't all bad

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(314): View more from Missouri

Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?

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(706): View more from Georgia

they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.

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(562): View more from California

I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?

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(618): View more from Illinois

i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.

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(845): View more from New York

think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(562): View more from California

that was a gay-test. you passed.

(1-562): View more from California

with flying rainbow colors i hope!

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(513): View more from Ohio

I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed

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(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.

Fav 1 1217 1059
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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes

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(224): View more from Illinois

I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am

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(330): View more from Ohio

So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(909): View more from California

I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..

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(512): View more from Texas

Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....

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(516): View more from New York

My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.

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(407): View more from Florida

me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!

(860): View more from Connecticut

You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.

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(847): View more from Illinois

well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

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(251): View more from Alabama

dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists

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(585): View more from New York

don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.

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(+33): View more from France

Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??

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(518): View more from New York

He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We are all done wearing pants today

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not ubering you a puppy

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you want 1 or 2 eggos?

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.

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(925): View more from California

Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?

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(309): View more from Illinois

Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong

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(916): View more from California

He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I would do everything over again, except the fireball.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?

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(616): View more from Michigan

orgasmnado...tomorrow night

(1-616): View more from Michigan

That's what I'm talking about

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(+44): View more from England

mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.

(+44): View more from England

"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.

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(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

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(386): View more from Florida

Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.

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(716): View more from New York

Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.

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(208): View more from Idaho

He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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(208): View more from Idaho

My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one

(847): View more from Illinois

I had a salad today

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.

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(213): View more from California

I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.

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(510): View more from California

Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight

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(860): View more from Connecticut

One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(+61): View more from Australia

PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO

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(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(512): View more from Texas

Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?

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(347): View more from New York

Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)

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(440): View more from Ohio

Since when do you jog?

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs

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(517): View more from Michigan

He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

LOCK HIM DOWN.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(302): View more from Delaware

Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail

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(705): View more from Ontario

how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink

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(703): View more from Virginia

I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.

(216): View more from Ohio

Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.

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(406): View more from Montana

So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together

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(512): View more from Texas

Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.

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(626): View more from California

I made him laugh his dick is mine

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(716): View more from New York

I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.

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(434): View more from Virginia

You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater

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(562): View more from California

he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(636): View more from Missouri

Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy

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(443): View more from Maryland

WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

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(972): View more from Texas

i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(651): View more from Minnesota

WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?

(612): View more from Minnesota

WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig

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(210): View more from Texas

i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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(904): View more from Florida

Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Right on... I dropped my chapstick

(269): View more from Michigan

I blacked out

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(256): View more from Alabama

Terrible idea I love it

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(712): View more from Iowa

Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets

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(330): View more from Ohio

If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.

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(563): View more from Iowa

He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having

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(828): View more from North Carolina

..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.

(602): View more from Arizona

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

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(325): View more from Texas

Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.

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(258): View more from

I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

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(707): View more from California

i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.

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(602): View more from Arizona

This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(251): View more from Alabama

Call me "white mamba"

(334): View more from Alabama

Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake

(251): View more from Alabama

It is white.

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(914): View more from New York

Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck

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(310): View more from California

Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake

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(775): View more from Nevada

Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

Happy birthday, America.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage

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(585): View more from New York

The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(314): View more from Missouri

so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"

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(805): View more from California

The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s

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(214): View more from Texas

You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

FUCK THIS BIRD

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.

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(516): View more from New York

Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys

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(360): View more from Washington

Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample

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(919): View more from North Carolina

As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0

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(775): View more from Nevada

I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.

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(805): View more from California

Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"

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(323): View more from California

My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.

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(771): View more from

Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.

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(406): View more from Montana

3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.

(1-406): View more from Montana

How stoned are you?

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.

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(408): View more from California

I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!

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(917): View more from New York City

Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!

(1-416): View more from Toronto

Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken

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(616): View more from Michigan

MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

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(727): View more from Florida

Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position

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(334): View more from Alabama

A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome

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(773): View more from Illinois

Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV

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(619): View more from California

I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left

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(931): View more from Tennessee

What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.

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(330): View more from Ohio

my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time

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(847): View more from Illinois

Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.

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(408): View more from California

stoners and superglue do NOT mix

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(916): View more from California

When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"

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(714): View more from California

And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!

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(618): View more from Illinois

He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.

(203): View more from Connecticut

needless to say I left

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(607): View more from New York

can we get nightvision for the apartment?

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(614): View more from Ohio

If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

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(510): View more from California

The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.

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(951): View more from California

I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning

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(207): View more from Maine

Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man

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(678): View more from Georgia

stop calling my apartment porn island.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(817): View more from Texas

i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.

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(360): View more from Washington

It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.

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(917): View more from New York City

After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.

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(419): View more from Ohio

There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

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(480): View more from Arizona

While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

(602): View more from Arizona

What other scale is there?

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(540): View more from Virginia

The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

(540): View more from Virginia

you also need to get my treadmill fixed.

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(660): View more from Missouri

The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment

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(646): View more from New York

If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better

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(802): View more from Vermont

Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment

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(510): View more from California

Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.

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(407): View more from Florida

You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver

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(206): View more from Washington

Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!

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(501): View more from Arkansas

It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Give me weed or give me death?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I think that about sums it up, actually.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.

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(315): View more from New York

If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.

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(407): View more from Florida

We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We can Fuck in the shower to save time

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king

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(703): View more from Virginia

Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?

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(631): View more from New York

By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.

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(469): View more from Texas

is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.

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(408): View more from California

just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious

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(818): View more from California

dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(519): View more from Ontario

all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot

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(520): View more from Arizona

im six kinds of drunk right now

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(831): View more from California

I puked off the balcony.

(1-831): View more from California

Not horrible

(831): View more from California

Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.

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(719): View more from Colorado

passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(914): View more from New York

Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

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(951): View more from California

I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(314): View more from Missouri

I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(916): View more from California

This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.

(831): View more from California

How much did you smoke??

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(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Was who let the dogs out playing?

(708): View more from Illinois

Ya. You started barking when it ended

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.

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(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(569): View more from

I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome

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(806): View more from Texas

Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"

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(406): View more from Montana

I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.

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(516): View more from New York

Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.

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(207): View more from Maine

Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update

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(727): View more from Florida

Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.

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(951): View more from California

Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."

(713): View more from Texas

Well thank god i want six autographed copies

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner

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(831): View more from California

if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.

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(818): View more from California

Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.

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(760): View more from California

I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(316): View more from Kansas

Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.

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(207): View more from Maine

my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.

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(720): View more from Colorado

This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?

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(407): View more from Florida

I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.

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(905): View more from Ontario

yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.

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(773): View more from Illinois

the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty

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(214): View more from Texas

If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed

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(845): View more from New York

I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?

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(757): View more from Virginia

So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?

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(408): View more from California

Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Really* awful people.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

time to smoke my breakfast

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked

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(816): View more from Missouri

normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me

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(818): View more from California

don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(630): View more from Illinois

i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.

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(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.

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(574): View more from Indiana

First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)

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(440): View more from Ohio

When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.

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(727): View more from Florida

Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family

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(212): View more from New York

lets start a swedish sibling band together

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(360): View more from Washington

Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?

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(914): View more from New York

You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.

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(720): View more from Colorado

He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....

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(310): View more from California

Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.

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(773): View more from Illinois

so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator

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(818): View more from California

I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.

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(206): View more from Washington

just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.

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(602): View more from Arizona

His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao

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(425): View more from Washington

My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.

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(212): View more from New York

be right there i have to get my cape

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality

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(+91): View more from India

I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?

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(907): View more from Alaska

At least life still wants to fuck me.

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(607): View more from New York

Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(775): View more from Nevada

He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?

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(714): View more from California

Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.

(951): View more from California

Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!

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(816): View more from Missouri

you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Who is this?

(407): View more from Florida

Who do you want it to be?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sarah Palin

(407): View more from Florida

I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde

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(913): View more from Kansas

very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club

(301): View more from Maryland

Dude it was a lap dance

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(201): View more from New Jersey

remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(417): View more from Missouri

So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.

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(302): View more from Delaware

didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(407): View more from Florida

This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.

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(772): View more from Florida

I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"

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(513): View more from Ohio

Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(212): View more from New York

so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(917): View more from New York City

my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS

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(773): View more from Illinois

Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?

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(407): View more from Florida

tod's in jail

(863): View more from Florida

he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Ridin mah bike see you on the moon

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(813): View more from Florida

running late. just ran over a dude on a bike

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(573): View more from Missouri

They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.

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(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(519): View more from Ontario

we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...

(226): View more from Ontario

did I at least say anything...

(519): View more from Ontario

you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(516): View more from New York

I spy something regrettable...

(716): View more from New York

Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.

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(214): View more from Texas

Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea

(214): View more from Texas

WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO

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(714): View more from California

Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza

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(903): View more from Texas

Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything

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(208): View more from Idaho

She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations

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(425): View more from Washington

Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.

(423): View more from Tennessee

I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

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(315): View more from New York

Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.

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(209): View more from California

i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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(416): View more from Toronto

This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex

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(602): View more from Arizona

It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(415): View more from California

I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(420): View more from

Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

How did you tell her we met?

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.

(616): View more from Michigan

I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?

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(315): View more from New York

I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?

(718): View more from New York

Keg backpack and a Bike

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(631): View more from New York

Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.

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(989): View more from Michigan

You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.

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(406): View more from Montana

Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?

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(517): View more from Michigan

After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide

(231): View more from Michigan

please tell me this is not legit

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day

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(613): View more from Ontario

Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad

(1-613): View more from Ontario

I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(619): View more from California

I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(813): View more from Florida

The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable

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(949): View more from California

The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?

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(330): View more from Ohio

"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.

(360): View more from Washington

Welcome to Bellingham.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You need to not admit that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(917): View more from New York City

Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

he sneezed into my face mid-kiss

(423): View more from Tennessee

Bless his heart

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(847): View more from Illinois

Uhmm, it's called hentai.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.

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(740): View more from Ohio

With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.

(607): View more from New York

Please tell me you're not on their roof again..

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

Only if you died obviously.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?

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(208): View more from Idaho

We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.

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(407): View more from Florida

I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.

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(619): View more from California

Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Bang-toberfest begins!!

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(631): View more from New York

Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.

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(646): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!

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(914): View more from New York

Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July

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(440): View more from Ohio

Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...

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(228): View more from Mississippi

We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver

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(971): View more from Oregon

I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.

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(305): View more from Florida

I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.

(480): View more from Arizona

You are both horrible and amazing

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(586): View more from Michigan

Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?

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(425): View more from Washington

Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!

(425): View more from Washington

Just 2. But still.

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(773): View more from Illinois

his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him

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(757): View more from Virginia

I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.

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(330): View more from Ohio

This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.

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(440): View more from Ohio

But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly

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(586): View more from Michigan

friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?

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(330): View more from Ohio

After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....

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(217): View more from Illinois

I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence

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(309): View more from Illinois

So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT

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(613): View more from Ontario

i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick

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(+48): View more from Poland

We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.

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(518): View more from New York

CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS

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(705): View more from Ontario

They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride

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(714): View more from California

Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

What drugs are we doing when you visit?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.

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(214): View more from Texas

On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.

(1-214): View more from Texas

You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(516): View more from New York

I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?

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(212): View more from New York

How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society

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(256): View more from Alabama

I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?

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(303): View more from Colorado

don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.

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(616): View more from Michigan

if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.

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(954): View more from Florida

Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down

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(702): View more from Nevada

do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality

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(719): View more from Colorado

dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(703): View more from Virginia

It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(410): View more from Maryland

new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis

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(678): View more from Georgia

I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.

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(951): View more from California

I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.

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(914): View more from New York

They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(377): View more from

I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"

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(517): View more from Michigan

Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(310): View more from California

If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.

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(253): View more from Washington

The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.

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(515): View more from Iowa

so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.

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(419): View more from Ohio

So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard

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(616): View more from Michigan

no weekend plans? you're practically married

(1-616): View more from Michigan

just without the last name or joint bank account

(616): View more from Michigan

i'd advise against both

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(916): View more from California

We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I love you

(720): View more from Colorado

are you drunk

(440): View more from Ohio

yes but I def love you, we should get married

(720): View more from Colorado

But I'm Jewish

(440): View more from Ohio

embrace Jesus

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(616): View more from Michigan

Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.

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(224): View more from Illinois

And then the night went full on bisexual.

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(810): View more from Michigan

If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.

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(727): View more from Florida

If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(515): View more from Iowa

If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.

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(917): View more from New York City

This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you

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(210): View more from Texas

We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".

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(845): View more from New York

Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(+61): View more from Australia

I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.

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(682): View more from Texas

You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops

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(596): View more from

Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

Both.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.

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(903): View more from Texas

I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville

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(916): View more from California

I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.

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(858): View more from California

Is she okay?

(773): View more from Illinois

She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken

(716): View more from New York

Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.

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(210): View more from Texas

It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.

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(917): View more from New York City

What the hell happened to my hand?

(646): View more from New York

Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".

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(303): View more from Colorado

I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.

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(206): View more from Washington

Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.

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(706): View more from Georgia

The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face

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(586): View more from Michigan

Ok let me ask a question, does aderall make women less apt to have sex?

(586): View more from Michigan

Cause it just destroys penises

(586): View more from Michigan

Was that inappropriate? I can't gauge these things anymore

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(804): View more from Virginia

Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?

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(443): View more from Maryland

and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(813): View more from Florida

Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo

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(661): View more from California

he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.

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(949): View more from California

You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard

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(734): View more from Michigan

Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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(208): View more from Idaho

I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.

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(562): View more from California

New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile

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(337): View more from Louisiana

She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?

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(314): View more from Missouri

He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?

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(513): View more from Ohio

If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"

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(636): View more from Missouri

We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.

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(716): View more from New York

We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.

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(440): View more from Ohio

How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend

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(970): View more from Colorado

Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.

(303): View more from Colorado

Marry me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels

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(509): View more from Washington

Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..

(360): View more from Washington

Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close

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(+33): View more from France

Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"

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(208): View more from Idaho

well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't

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(703): View more from Virginia

Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..

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(309): View more from Illinois

Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(353): View more from

The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend

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(850): View more from Florida

So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.

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(530): View more from California

and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby

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(216): View more from Ohio

Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell

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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.

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(646): View more from New York

Please don't use social media to get back at me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did I change midway through last night?

(206): View more from Washington

Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Technically my penis started a fight tonight

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.

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(619): View more from California

I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands

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(315): View more from New York

at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing

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(917): View more from New York City

hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise

(802): View more from Vermont

Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...

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(816): View more from Missouri

That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri

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(573): View more from Missouri

What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(650): View more from California

Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life

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(317): View more from Indiana

My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.

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(801): View more from Utah

i regret nothing

(801): View more from Utah

brb throwing up in the dishwasher

(801): View more from Utah

i regret everything

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(269): View more from Michigan

I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(714): View more from California

Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(954): View more from Florida

When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.

(1-954): View more from Florida

RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.

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(323): View more from California

He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.

(323): View more from California

Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.

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(315): View more from New York

Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?

(817): View more from Texas

Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(562): View more from California

I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?

(714): View more from California

Whatever it is you failed

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..

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(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours

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(917): View more from New York City

the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob

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(540): View more from Virginia

You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Do I even want to know?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.

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(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(442): View more from California

her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.

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(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

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(753): View more from

WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely

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(801): View more from Utah

I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine

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(859): View more from Kentucky

If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.

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(813): View more from Florida

They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(863): View more from Florida

I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.

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(347): View more from New York

In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

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(928): View more from Arizona

I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five

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(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

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(201): View more from New Jersey

All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched

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(909): View more from California

i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on

(901): View more from Tennessee

continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way

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(440): View more from Ohio

I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS

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(+61): View more from Australia

Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me

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(650): View more from California

Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.

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(512): View more from Texas

You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.

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(631): View more from New York

I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement

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(509): View more from Washington

You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.

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(818): View more from California

When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.

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(281): View more from Texas

Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.

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(216): View more from Ohio

For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.

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(706): View more from Georgia

No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend

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(562): View more from California

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs

(310): View more from California

the cheaper the better

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(647): View more from Ontario

Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!

(248): View more from Michigan

She can rap better than you any day

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(772): View more from Florida

Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend

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(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

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(760): View more from California

My girlfriend figured out who you are.

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(214): View more from Texas

Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS

(210): View more from Texas

Put my glitter back.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn

(706): View more from Georgia

And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(862): View more from New Jersey

i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(973): View more from New Jersey

pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Why?

(480): View more from Arizona

'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(530): View more from California

She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(509): View more from Washington

I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(+79): View more from

You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

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(602): View more from Arizona

Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!

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(503): View more from Oregon

In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real

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(613): View more from Ontario

My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."

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(971): View more from Oregon

There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(831): View more from California

Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance

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(760): View more from California

The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.

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(845): View more from New York

And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there

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(205): View more from Alabama

Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat

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(407): View more from Florida

I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF

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(903): View more from Texas

Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

(936): View more from Texas

You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(530): View more from California

Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.

(818): View more from California

As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award

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(330): View more from Ohio

I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!

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(810): View more from Michigan

I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.

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(740): View more from Ohio

See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want

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(914): View more from New York

Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Um. We all know how I feel about sea life

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.

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(469): View more from Texas

The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.

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(269): View more from Michigan

When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(323): View more from California

Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.

(562): View more from California

The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt

(323): View more from California

fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me

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(301): View more from Maryland

just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(303): View more from Colorado

All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs

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(801): View more from Utah

just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk

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(870): View more from Arkansas

when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"

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(310): View more from California

I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.

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(618): View more from Illinois

i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr

(269): View more from Michigan

Wat???

(312): View more from Illinois

U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(240): View more from Maryland

And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.

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(972): View more from Texas

idk i usually just blame everything on steve

(214): View more from Texas

Steve quit two months ago

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(651): View more from Minnesota

After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

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(415): View more from California

All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.

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(702): View more from Nevada

This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(720): View more from Colorado

You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.

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(817): View more from Texas

Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.

(817): View more from Texas

Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".

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(847): View more from Illinois

I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for

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(770): View more from Georgia

Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.

(865): View more from Tennessee

How do you even...

(770): View more from Georgia

The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(805): View more from California

the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Bea Arthur died yesterday

(240): View more from Maryland

You shut your stupid mouth

(301): View more from Maryland

Betty White is next, I just know it.

(240): View more from Maryland

Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms

(712): View more from Iowa

Oh God

(515): View more from Iowa

I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship

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(320): View more from Minnesota

It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.

(320): View more from Minnesota

He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.

(406): View more from Montana

Ok, i'm coming over

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(660): View more from Missouri

I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point

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(804): View more from Virginia

my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

I'm on my way.

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(214): View more from Texas

Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(773): View more from Illinois

oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever

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(904): View more from Florida

Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?

(301): View more from Maryland

just fucking run.

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(417): View more from Missouri

New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.

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(509): View more from Washington

I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.

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(561): View more from Florida

There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door

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(626): View more from California

Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why

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(718): View more from New York

We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game

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(541): View more from Oregon

is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??

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(906): View more from Michigan

A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.

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(801): View more from Utah

The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.

(801): View more from Utah

The girl neighbor.

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(138): View more from

You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood

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(818): View more from California

Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night

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(734): View more from Michigan

Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.

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(424): View more from California

My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?

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(509): View more from Washington

you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to

(702): View more from Nevada

It's true

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

like...quickly.

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(301): View more from Maryland

you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.

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(386): View more from Florida

I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm high. ignore me

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(847): View more from Illinois

Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium

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(305): View more from Florida

so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet

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(563): View more from Iowa

The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.

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(416): View more from Toronto

My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.

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(530): View more from California

both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood

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(706): View more from Georgia

That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're cheating on project runway?

(919): View more from North Carolina

if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(845): View more from New York

Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone

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(914): View more from New York

Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?

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(315): View more from New York

How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?

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(347): View more from New York

GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES

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(802): View more from Vermont

We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her

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(574): View more from Indiana

I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.

(1-574): View more from Indiana

How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!

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(1-917): View more from New York City

you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...

(917): View more from New York City

oh thats it?

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

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(772): View more from Florida

Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish

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(304): View more from West Virginia

his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(813): View more from Florida

There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.

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(702): View more from Nevada

On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation

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(208): View more from Idaho

When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.

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(773): View more from Illinois

CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)

(1-773): View more from Illinois

How many people did you send this to?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?

(303): View more from Colorado

That depends, how hot is your boss?

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(737): View more from Texas

and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"

(303): View more from Colorado

I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."

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(937): View more from Ohio

Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.

(682): View more from Texas

Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(732): View more from New Jersey

no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl

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(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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(416): View more from Ontario

when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.

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(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?

(651): View more from Minnesota

That's yours. We cut you off.

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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(407): View more from Florida

he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...

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(567): View more from Ohio

Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good

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(217): View more from Illinois

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.

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(845): View more from New York

I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.

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(207): View more from Maine

We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,

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(586): View more from Michigan

dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"

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(702): View more from Nevada

My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there was so much lube in my brother's closet...

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(425): View more from Washington

So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes

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(706): View more from Georgia

He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."

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(517): View more from Michigan

Alarm just got pulled in my exam

(517): View more from Michigan

Swear it wasn't me

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(905): View more from Ontario

I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(561): View more from Florida

Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.

(1-561): View more from Florida

How high are you?

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(620): View more from Kansas

Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.

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(586): View more from Michigan

their songs make me feel all the things I wanna feel. Ya dig?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

and what kinds of feelings would these be?

(586): View more from Michigan

Happy, horny, occasionally hungry

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic

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(313): View more from Michigan

Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you

(248): View more from Michigan

Gross. gingers suck

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick

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(607): View more from New York

If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.

(810): View more from Michigan

I think you know the answer.

(248): View more from Michigan

How can I marinade myself in Vodka?

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(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form

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(616): View more from Michigan

This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.

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(419): View more from Ohio

If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick

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(518): View more from New York

I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.

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(940): View more from Texas

Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(519): View more from Ontario

One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

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(224): View more from Illinois

I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno

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(480): View more from Arizona

I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(206): View more from Washington

Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.

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(559): View more from California

We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying

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(404): View more from Georgia

I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.

(910): View more from North Carolina

That's what you say about everyone.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think pants incapable of making pants work

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Girl's gotta have her standards.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.

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(772): View more from Florida

i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?

(913): View more from Kansas

Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay

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(703): View more from Virginia

fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST

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(276): View more from Virginia

My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No this is saxophone Chris

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?

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(212): View more from New York

Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP

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(410): View more from Maryland

The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great

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(858): View more from California

did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?

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(847): View more from Illinois

On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid

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(519): View more from Ontario

Gay?

(226): View more from Ontario

German.

(519): View more from Ontario

Pity.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed

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(607): View more from New York

Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(650): View more from California

just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, she has braces

(240): View more from Maryland

i meant the dude w the ponytail.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(845): View more from New York

our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality

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(941): View more from Florida

I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo

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(513): View more from Ohio

you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.

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(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

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(914): View more from New York

ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo

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(917): View more from New York City

You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?

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(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

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(727): View more from Florida

I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have

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(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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(404): View more from Georgia

And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

So the keyword here is "hammered"?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.

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(415): View more from California

Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.

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(415): View more from California

What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises

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(646): View more from New York

Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.

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(718): View more from New York

I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!

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(571): View more from Virginia

Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...

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(330): View more from Ohio

We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.

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(905): View more from Ontario

If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns

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(541): View more from Oregon

Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid

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(641): View more from Iowa

I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(425): View more from Washington

Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details

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(817): View more from Texas

he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

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(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(313): View more from Michigan

These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.

(615): View more from Tennessee

My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.

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(315): View more from New York

I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd

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(765): View more from Indiana

Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"

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(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.

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(940): View more from Texas

This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.

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(812): View more from Indiana

last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.

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(512): View more from Texas

We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys

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(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

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(217): View more from Illinois

I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(616): View more from Michigan

life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i will live by this rule

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i need some food

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.

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(954): View more from Florida

Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk

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(408): View more from California

What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point

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(856): View more from New Jersey

his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed

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(406): View more from Montana

OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation

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(630): View more from Illinois

so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'

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(540): View more from Virginia

The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me

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(+48): View more from Poland

It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.

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(212): View more from New York

He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.

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(407): View more from Florida

Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..

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(323): View more from California

VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.

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(618): View more from Illinois

If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life

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(585): View more from New York

I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

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(310): View more from California

one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.

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(386): View more from Florida

i think my cat just said my name.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat

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(563): View more from Iowa

I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cat or human?

(563): View more from Iowa

Human

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.

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(972): View more from Texas

I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them

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(518): View more from New York

Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat

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(406): View more from Montana

Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from

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(416): View more from Toronto

We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.

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(720): View more from Colorado

side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.

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(585): View more from New York

You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse

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(240): View more from Maryland

Are you ok?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.

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(941): View more from Florida

Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?

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(415): View more from California

I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.

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(+34): View more from Spain

30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.

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(602): View more from Arizona

What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat

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(310): View more from California

I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob

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(209): View more from California

PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.

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(425): View more from Washington

Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine

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(512): View more from Texas

Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.

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(903): View more from Texas

Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone

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(706): View more from Georgia

fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats

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(330): View more from Ohio

Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.

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(607): View more from New York

His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.

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(914): View more from New York

I had to warn the neighbors

(757): View more from Virginia

Warn them about what?! It's noon

(914): View more from New York

"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...

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(712): View more from Iowa

when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.

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(727): View more from Florida

They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos

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(208): View more from Idaho

We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(361): View more from Texas

I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now

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(443): View more from Maryland

PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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(972): View more from Texas

I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.

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(949): View more from California

I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?

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(234): View more from Ohio

omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(646): View more from New York

Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.

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(801): View more from Utah

Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it

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(512): View more from Texas

my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME

(517): View more from Michigan

The band club does not count as an orchestra

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo

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(732): View more from New Jersey

We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.

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(661): View more from California

aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet

(623): View more from Arizona

And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs

(661): View more from California

Exactly.

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(214): View more from Texas

Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(315): View more from New York

Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Both questions will answer each other.

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(316): View more from Kansas

I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD

(316): View more from Kansas

I AM IN MILD DISTRESS

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was told my cock was a religious experience.

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(845): View more from New York

There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

sorry? thank you? I love you?

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(251): View more from Alabama

He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just railed me after that sext

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.

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(954): View more from Florida

Promise me you won't have sex in my room

(248): View more from Michigan

I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try

(248): View more from Michigan

Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often

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(712): View more from Iowa

He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"

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(647): View more from Ontario

She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke

(647): View more from Ontario

She kept going

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(360): View more from Washington

I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice

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(740): View more from Ohio

New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.

Fav 3 888 476
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(360): View more from Washington

A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.

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(561): View more from Florida

He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.

(770): View more from Georgia

So it may have been laced, sue me.

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(716): View more from New York

Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila

(716): View more from New York

Step 4: your drunk

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...

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(618): View more from Illinois

I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.

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(805): View more from California

I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.

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(425): View more from Washington

I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.

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(+22): View more from

I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.

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(707): View more from California

Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.

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(727): View more from Florida

So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.

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(760): View more from California

...so i touched it.

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.

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(786): View more from Florida

I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.

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(415): View more from California

We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(214): View more from Texas

I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

(503): View more from Oregon

You made out with EVERYBODY.

(702): View more from Nevada

Can I just bleach my life?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.

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(212): View more from New York

I heard we made out

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(251): View more from Alabama

Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree

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(619): View more from California

let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.

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(760): View more from California

i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

ugh yes i love our date nights

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(772): View more from Florida

I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there

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(907): View more from Alaska

I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter

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(704): View more from North Carolina

From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?

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(847): View more from Illinois

So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something

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(913): View more from Kansas

For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.

(913): View more from Kansas

Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

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(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

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(845): View more from New York

Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(512): View more from Texas

There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.

(703): View more from Virginia

So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night

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(408): View more from California

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

(479): View more from Arkansas

MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"

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(302): View more from Delaware

I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?

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(916): View more from California

Are you setting a date to bone me?

(530): View more from California

Are you accepting?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(669): View more from California

And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach

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(651): View more from Minnesota

somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...

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(785): View more from Kansas

U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(914): View more from New York

When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish costco sold astroglide.

(248): View more from Michigan

i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(569): View more from

Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?

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(562): View more from California

Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(928): View more from Arizona

im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(850): View more from Florida

idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'

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(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

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(516): View more from New York

I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

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(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER

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(616): View more from Michigan

We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

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(386): View more from Florida

i now understand why vodka

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.

(407): View more from Florida

Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah

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(301): View more from Maryland

she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(718): View more from New York

So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.

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(954): View more from Florida

She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.

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(434): View more from Virginia

It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"

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(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken

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(501): View more from Arkansas

While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake

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(971): View more from Oregon

I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW

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(719): View more from Colorado

Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.

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(858): View more from California

The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

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(760): View more from California

He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.

(619): View more from California

he what???

(760): View more from California

Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us

(205): View more from Alabama

that didnt stop you

(252): View more from North Carolina

nope

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(716): View more from New York

Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(925): View more from California

A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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(517): View more from Michigan

To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now

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(970): View more from Colorado

My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless

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(916): View more from California

I'm back here naked if anyones wondering

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(512): View more from Texas

I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid

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(318): View more from Louisiana

For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.

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(408): View more from California

That's why god made go-pro's and tequila

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(541): View more from Oregon

So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face

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(678): View more from Georgia

Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.

(512): View more from Texas

And loving it.

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(949): View more from California

so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"

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(425): View more from Washington

My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.

(337): View more from Louisiana

I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?

(651): View more from Minnesota

its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.

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(850): View more from Florida

he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(818): View more from California

So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What happened to my knees?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.

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(352): View more from Florida

So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

What happened?

(734): View more from Michigan

New Orleans

(601): View more from Mississippi

Every time

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss

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(330): View more from Ohio

oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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(646): View more from New York

I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.

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(305): View more from Florida

I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.

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(315): View more from New York

is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?

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(281): View more from Texas

I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....

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(845): View more from New York

I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.

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(509): View more from Washington

Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.

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(845): View more from New York

i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'

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(416): View more from Toronto

no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after

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(812): View more from Indiana

So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

if i bang your brother are we still cool?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.

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(206): View more from Washington

sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party

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(417): View more from Missouri

Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(949): View more from California

the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs

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(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

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(516): View more from New York

Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(714): View more from California

Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick

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(301): View more from Maryland

not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(540): View more from Virginia

Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower

(571): View more from Virginia

She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task

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(925): View more from California

Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(303): View more from Colorado

No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(940): View more from Texas

Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

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(250): View more from British Columbia

woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude i fell asleep inside of her

(1-248): View more from Michigan

thats awesome

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.

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(779): View more from Illinois

Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts

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(626): View more from California

Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

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(813): View more from Florida

My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?

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(562): View more from California

So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch

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(770): View more from Georgia

Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars

(770): View more from Georgia

wait nvm its a dude

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.

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(212): View more from New York

You're the only person not starstruck by him

(302): View more from Delaware

Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis

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(626): View more from California

we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes

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(518): View more from New York

wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision

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(479): View more from Arkansas

So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Haha. Niice.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.

(307): View more from Wyoming

both.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm full of awesome ideas

(972): View more from Texas

Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(530): View more from California

There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

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(630): View more from Illinois

if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(301): View more from Maryland

Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.

(919): View more from North Carolina

RIP Mr Bojangles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(415): View more from California

Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!

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(619): View more from California

I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome

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(239): View more from Florida

COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING

(646): View more from New York

(239): View more from Florida

Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.

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(801): View more from Utah

Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.

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(951): View more from California

We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.

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(681): View more from West Virginia

I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion

(743): View more from

It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis

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(775): View more from Nevada

I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies

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(540): View more from Virginia

These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.

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(713): View more from Texas

I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome

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(563): View more from Iowa

I almost tased myself

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I dont think you should own that device.

(563): View more from Iowa

It's an awesome device. I love this device.

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(619): View more from California

i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME

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(818): View more from California

It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket

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(330): View more from Ohio

I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.

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(713): View more from Texas

This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.

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(847): View more from Illinois

lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

That's a really terrible idea.

(734): View more from Michigan

Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input

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(208): View more from Idaho

I agree and I would be an awesome dog

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(253): View more from Washington

I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man

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(512): View more from Texas

Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead

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(425): View more from Washington

That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick

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(785): View more from Kansas

We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.

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(727): View more from Florida

Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do I really need this much space in my mouth?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Are you already high?

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(817): View more from Texas

My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person

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(949): View more from California

how did we start talking about space blow jobs?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!

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(925): View more from California

We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

oh my god i'm in a crawl space

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus

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(949): View more from California

So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

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(678): View more from Georgia

This show inspires me to have sex in space

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."

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(301): View more from Maryland

Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk

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(705): View more from Ontario

You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(626): View more from California

It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(312): View more from Illinois

I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF

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(706): View more from Georgia

Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic

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(917): View more from New York City

Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm about to be a big disappointment.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(720): View more from Colorado

By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."

(815): View more from Illinois

oh god.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(631): View more from New York

Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao

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(469): View more from Texas

Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?

(201): View more from New Jersey

obviously you're part succubus.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Wtf? Why?

(702): View more from Nevada

I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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(407): View more from Florida

Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)

(1-407): View more from Florida

Mom wtf!?

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think he's speaking German to me now

(519): View more from Ontario

Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.

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(443): View more from Maryland

sorry I blacked out our whole relationship

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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(845): View more from New York

I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.

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(806): View more from Texas

You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.

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(216): View more from Ohio

So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.

(216): View more from Ohio

Take that integrity

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(519): View more from Ontario

My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?

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(727): View more from Florida

Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(804): View more from Virginia

God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(716): View more from New York

i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

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(896): View more from

i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(631): View more from New York

you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(607): View more from New York

I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for

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(410): View more from Maryland

I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What did he say?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!

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(850): View more from Florida

Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm in your bed right now

(240): View more from Maryland

Okay meet you there give me 10

(703): View more from Virginia

Don't think you can make me leave either

(240): View more from Maryland

Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like

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(336): View more from North Carolina

"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?

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(435): View more from Utah

I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead

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(515): View more from Iowa

I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.

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(561): View more from Florida

Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?

(1-561): View more from Florida

Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile

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(802): View more from Vermont

Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"

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(904): View more from Florida

I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(716): View more from New York

tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants

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(312): View more from Illinois

We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.

(248): View more from Michigan

Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

(312): View more from Illinois

But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(631): View more from New York

So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.

(480): View more from Arizona

I told you I would

(931): View more from Tennessee

I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend

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(818): View more from California

Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.

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(406): View more from Montana

Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck

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(470): View more from Georgia

you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.

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(310): View more from California

Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(705): View more from Ontario

My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?

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(909): View more from California

My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(613): View more from Ontario

just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.

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(281): View more from Texas

Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He's cheating on her.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Are you sure it wasn't her?

(201): View more from New Jersey

I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.

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(210): View more from Texas

I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

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(417): View more from Missouri

She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.

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(956): View more from Texas

You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?

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(727): View more from Florida

Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert

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(281): View more from Texas

So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club

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(214): View more from Texas

Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My glasses were in the garbage this morning

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Don't tempt me, I need beer money.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.

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(773): View more from Illinois

ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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(235): View more from

Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(310): View more from California

so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?

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(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.

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(207): View more from Maine

He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried

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(308): View more from Nebraska

No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Alive.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

So much puke

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(509): View more from Washington

btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...

(480): View more from Arizona

gifts from me to you. you're welcome.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.

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(+61): View more from Australia

A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.

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(408): View more from California

No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard

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(708): View more from Illinois

i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(714): View more from California

I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister

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(310): View more from California

I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(504): View more from Louisiana

All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(415): View more from California

I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

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(515): View more from Iowa

We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park

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(316): View more from Kansas

Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been

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(443): View more from Maryland

Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker

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(301): View more from Maryland

there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"

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(512): View more from Texas

You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.

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(377): View more from

the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.

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(347): View more from New York

tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(904): View more from Florida

the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

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(517): View more from Michigan

We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope none of us try to run for public office one day

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you

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(757): View more from Virginia

Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii

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(407): View more from Florida

And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste

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(541): View more from Oregon

Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!

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(210): View more from Texas

did you know gatorade and rum go really good together

(1-210): View more from Texas

Are you doing depressed science again

(210): View more from Texas

maybe

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"

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(207): View more from Maine

I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(616): View more from Michigan

He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(239): View more from Florida

If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now

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(540): View more from Virginia

THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.

(540): View more from Virginia

YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(858): View more from California

I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.

(1-813): View more from Florida

Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny

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(720): View more from Colorado

His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs

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(703): View more from Virginia

He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.

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(541): View more from Oregon

i'll probably be on drugs forewarning

(503): View more from Oregon

forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(905): View more from Ontario

thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin

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(425): View more from Washington

We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party

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(858): View more from California

It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions

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(410): View more from Maryland

Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying

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(281): View more from Texas

She really is something else.

(713): View more from Texas

Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

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(954): View more from Florida

You pretty much isn't said it

(404): View more from Georgia

Those words don't go together.

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(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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(818): View more from California

Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night

(334): View more from Alabama

I felt like a fucking code breaker.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(630): View more from Illinois

its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it

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(816): View more from Missouri

Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird

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(209): View more from California

I can't put those talents on a resume

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(406): View more from Montana

He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

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(830): View more from Texas

So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?

(1-830): View more from Texas

Jeans and a nice top.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.

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(217): View more from Illinois

and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You okay?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread

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(416): View more from Toronto

so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which

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(626): View more from California

So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?

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(281): View more from Texas

I FOUND THE LEGS

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(423): View more from Tennessee

But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.

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(971): View more from Oregon

It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.

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(207): View more from Maine

I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.

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(323): View more from California

i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy

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(971): View more from Oregon

Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??

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(613): View more from Ontario

Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(716): View more from New York

so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome

(914): View more from New York

i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"

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(310): View more from California

if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am the king of creep.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..

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(516): View more from New York

My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

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(214): View more from Texas

I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I skipped work to stalk him.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(513): View more from Ohio

stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.

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(775): View more from Nevada

By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music

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(914): View more from New York

It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This place is a maelstrom of dicks.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.

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(912): View more from Georgia

i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS

(1-912): View more from Georgia

dude...come out of the closet already

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia

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(906): View more from Michigan

Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(510): View more from California

I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.

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(419): View more from Ohio

This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(305): View more from Florida

So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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(614): View more from Ohio

There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.

(614): View more from Ohio

Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(205): View more from Alabama

So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?

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(+33): View more from France

And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".

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(917): View more from New York City

Fine. I'll sleep in my office

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet

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(458): View more from Oregon

And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.

(458): View more from Oregon

Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(515): View more from Iowa

The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!

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(904): View more from Florida

Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.

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(941): View more from Florida

I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?

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(818): View more from California

You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead

(1-618): View more from Illinois

TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.

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(661): View more from California

Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard

(203): View more from Connecticut

GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(325): View more from Texas

I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.

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(407): View more from Florida

I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.

(630): View more from Illinois

oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.

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(281): View more from Texas

Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital

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(618): View more from Illinois

He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero

(618): View more from Illinois

I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

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(586): View more from Michigan

I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.

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(954): View more from Florida

She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

was his pinky out?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me

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(905): View more from Ontario

what's your room number? I've never been there sober...

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(770): View more from Georgia

My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.

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(941): View more from Florida

I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.

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(678): View more from Georgia

There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

It's destiny.

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(940): View more from Texas

It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"

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(+61): View more from Australia

Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"

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(616): View more from Michigan

You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook

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(912): View more from Georgia

They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED

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(307): View more from Wyoming

So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.

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(315): View more from New York

It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year

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(813): View more from Florida

Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?

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(903): View more from Texas

On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?

(979): View more from Texas

Definite 12.2 but worth it.

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(253): View more from Washington

Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that

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(404): View more from Georgia

When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list

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(513): View more from Ohio

A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick

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(905): View more from Ontario

how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?

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(775): View more from Nevada

He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room

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(253): View more from Washington

I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted

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(302): View more from Delaware

My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"

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(647): View more from Ontario

Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.

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(817): View more from Texas

Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.

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(281): View more from Texas

I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!

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(443): View more from Maryland

I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?

(703): View more from Virginia

Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.

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(650): View more from California

I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens

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(212): View more from New York

We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

If that was your dad, he is hot

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore

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(212): View more from New York

Your dad touched me again.

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(212): View more from New York

that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment

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(908): View more from New Jersey

im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.

(505): View more from New Mexico

But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess

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(925): View more from California

Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early

(401): View more from Rhode Island

You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?

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(805): View more from California

Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip

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(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.

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(410): View more from Maryland

SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING

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(650): View more from California

she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(573): View more from Missouri

You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.

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(207): View more from Maine

Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

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(647): View more from Ontario

SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA

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(860): View more from Connecticut

it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades

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(650): View more from California

all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(409): View more from Texas

We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.

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(205): View more from Alabama

No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.

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(317): View more from Indiana

His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"

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(915): View more from Texas

Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

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(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

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(515): View more from Iowa

He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed

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(416): View more from Toronto

Happy Birhtday!

(289): View more from Ontario

Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home

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(845): View more from New York

I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?

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(469): View more from Texas

words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?

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(407): View more from Florida

There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?

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(646): View more from New York

Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel

(773): View more from Illinois

Only the gays

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(713): View more from Texas

I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire

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(443): View more from Maryland

Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.

(410): View more from Maryland

The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.

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(806): View more from Texas

Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.

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(214): View more from Texas

I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay

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(435): View more from Utah

Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids

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(574): View more from Indiana

I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual

(1-574): View more from Indiana

You're the salmon of the gays...

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(616): View more from Michigan

how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

i think we need a new approach.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's right. I did.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That's right. I did.

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(954): View more from Florida

Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.

(1-954): View more from Florida

Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.

(954): View more from Florida

I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?

(1-954): View more from Florida

A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think

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(913): View more from Kansas

The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....

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(218): View more from Minnesota

In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay

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(541): View more from Oregon

You'll pass into the great gay beyond

(734): View more from Michigan

Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic

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(404): View more from Georgia

The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?

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(775): View more from Nevada

So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible

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(269): View more from Michigan

Strip club or gay bar tonight?

(989): View more from Michigan

I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.

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(650): View more from California

Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff

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(513): View more from Ohio

he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.

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(772): View more from Florida

I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.

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(509): View more from Washington

Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(561): View more from Florida

We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(360): View more from Washington

If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive

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(605): View more from South Dakota

but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies

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(989): View more from Michigan

Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

The tryst?

(952): View more from Minnesota

The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

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(415): View more from California

I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.

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(360): View more from Washington

There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(431): View more from

Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.

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(641): View more from Iowa

As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...

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(914): View more from New York

You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?

(216): View more from Ohio

We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.

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(289): View more from Ontario

I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(303): View more from Colorado

well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.

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(226): View more from Ontario

he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos

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(734): View more from Michigan

We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(423): View more from Tennessee

What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.

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(916): View more from California

I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake

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(347): View more from New York

Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one

(347): View more from New York

Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...

(802): View more from Vermont

do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?

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(914): View more from New York

I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

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(425): View more from Washington

I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(813): View more from Florida

She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.

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(310): View more from California

Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.

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(805): View more from California

I want "hickeys on my ass" sex

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?

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(+08): View more from

He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.

(905): View more from Ontario

It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor

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(425): View more from Washington

My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer

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(361): View more from Texas

You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?

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(512): View more from Texas

after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(417): View more from Missouri

I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.

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(770): View more from Georgia

There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.

(404): View more from Georgia

My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.

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(713): View more from Texas

Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina

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(304): View more from West Virginia

We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.

(440): View more from Ohio

and SLEEP god I love sleep

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(707): View more from California

I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.

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(631): View more from New York

Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.

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(714): View more from California

someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.

(563): View more from Iowa

How is that low? I love carrots.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"

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(574): View more from Indiana

When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.

(931): View more from Tennessee

BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED

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(435): View more from Utah

It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day

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(850): View more from Florida

I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.

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(256): View more from Alabama

my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..

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(813): View more from Florida

So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?

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(407): View more from Florida

I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales

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(407): View more from Florida

work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?

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(702): View more from Nevada

you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment

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(561): View more from Florida

I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.

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(530): View more from California

On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.

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(419): View more from Ohio

omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people

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(970): View more from Colorado

I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(404): View more from Georgia

he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying

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(313): View more from Michigan

oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing

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(650): View more from California

Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..

(1-650): View more from California

You've kissed worse.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(727): View more from Florida

Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(408): View more from California

I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am one with the molecules

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(802): View more from Vermont

I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.

(513): View more from Ohio

I stole a bike. Here's a pic

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(210): View more from Texas

Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-

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(519): View more from Ontario

I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The pigeons can smell the fear

(1+44): View more from

Wtf

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(913): View more from Kansas

He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(416): View more from Ontario

but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

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(631): View more from New York

i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker

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(251): View more from Alabama

We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(650): View more from California

I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Oh my god I found my bf's erotica

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.

(270): View more from Kentucky

OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

That you did

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.

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(352): View more from Florida

I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.

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(406): View more from Montana

WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN

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(302): View more from Delaware

Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.

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(716): View more from New York

When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think that's mostly how we became friends.

(1-817): View more from Texas

Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother

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(586): View more from Michigan

The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.

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(281): View more from Texas

Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Omg the world wants us to be better people

(541): View more from Oregon

I refuse

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(954): View more from Florida

We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.

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(240): View more from Maryland

ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(858): View more from California

I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(408): View more from California

she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her

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(928): View more from Arizona

YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?

(1-928): View more from Arizona

...and?

(928): View more from Arizona

I hate when you're right.

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(303): View more from Colorado

exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".

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(208): View more from Idaho

He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in

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(951): View more from California

He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".

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(973): View more from New Jersey

How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...

(862): View more from New Jersey

This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.

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(407): View more from Florida

It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(425): View more from Washington

I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.

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(917): View more from New York City

He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.

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(760): View more from California

I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.

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(212): View more from New York

He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.

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(310): View more from California

I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.

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(949): View more from California

Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were supposed to behave this weekend.

(1+61): View more from

But... naked.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?

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(801): View more from Utah

Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.

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(415): View more from California

Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.

Fav 6 554 391
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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(519): View more from Ontario

Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(+61): View more from Australia

I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.

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(650): View more from California

My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

What am I doing with my life

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drink to make the karaoke go away.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.

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(607): View more from New York

To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.

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(360): View more from Washington

There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.

(720): View more from Colorado

Good. The Jell-O shots look great.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick

(216): View more from Ohio

In a very non respectful way

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship

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(801): View more from Utah

LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE

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(406): View more from Montana

Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.

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(540): View more from Virginia

My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.

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(360): View more from Washington

Im part way to drunk.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"

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(818): View more from California

Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma

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(847): View more from Illinois

It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.

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(714): View more from California

After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that

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(415): View more from California

Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.

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(905): View more from Ontario

To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town

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(334): View more from Alabama

She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper

(205): View more from Alabama

Restraining order pending?

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(214): View more from Texas

You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.

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(773): View more from Illinois

while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.

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(495): View more from

you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation

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(319): View more from Iowa

I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.

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(520): View more from Arizona

dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.

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(812): View more from Indiana

after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..

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(407): View more from Florida

Your cock is gonna weep like a baby

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".

(651): View more from Minnesota

I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....

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(503): View more from Oregon

there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?

(541): View more from Oregon

CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."

(239): View more from Florida

I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.

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(613): View more from Ontario

How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day

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(917): View more from New York City

She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud

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(720): View more from Colorado

Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(813): View more from Florida

Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.

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(360): View more from Washington

I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?

(1-360): View more from Washington

considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.

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(353): View more from

I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!

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(561): View more from Florida

At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up

(915): View more from Texas

Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(925): View more from California

I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.

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(509): View more from Washington

This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My ass is underappreciated

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(559): View more from California

They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(212): View more from New York

Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.

(336): View more from North Carolina

THAT'S MY GIRL

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(614): View more from Ohio

We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.

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(224): View more from Illinois

We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.

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(310): View more from California

Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...

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(619): View more from California

It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.

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(815): View more from Illinois

When did angry sex become our thing?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He's like a hurricane

(303): View more from Colorado

a drunk, sexist, hurricane

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?

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(618): View more from Illinois

Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.

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(206): View more from Washington

Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.

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(561): View more from Florida

Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(757): View more from Virginia

He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage

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(226): View more from Ontario

I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater

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(319): View more from Iowa

More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.

Fav 2 1251 773
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(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.

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(818): View more from California

I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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(941): View more from Florida

I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good

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(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?

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(716): View more from New York

I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.

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(210): View more from Texas

Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.

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(614): View more from Ohio

A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.

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(940): View more from Texas

Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I chugged that bitch with a dip in.

(614): View more from Ohio

You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.

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(206): View more from Washington

He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.

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(512): View more from Texas

I just really need a hug and a shower beer

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency

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(740): View more from Ohio

We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.

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(315): View more from New York

i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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(740): View more from Ohio

Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

When in doubt always reply with bacon.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(856): View more from New Jersey

so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.

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(718): View more from New York

You don't think I'm weird or immature right?

(917): View more from New York City

No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(303): View more from Colorado

Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...

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(503): View more from Oregon

get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.

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(231): View more from Michigan

he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0

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(315): View more from New York

turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes

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(315): View more from New York

dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird

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(607): View more from New York

oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now

(604): View more from British Columbia

That's weird, I usually just count sheep

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it

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(360): View more from Washington

Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?

(903): View more from Texas

Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got

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(516): View more from New York

People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(423): View more from Tennessee

ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now

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(586): View more from Michigan

Why are you such a perv today?

(586): View more from Michigan

This is a lot to handle

(313): View more from Michigan

Oh shh

(586): View more from Michigan

I'm kidding you prude take a joke

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?

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(573): View more from Missouri

You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.

(816): View more from Missouri

Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.

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(212): View more from New York

We won't sleep together?

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(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?

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(519): View more from Ontario

We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.

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(905): View more from Ontario

This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night

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(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.

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(972): View more from Texas

He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.

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(309): View more from Illinois

just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(607): View more from New York

YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(209): View more from California

One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong

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(440): View more from Ohio

My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.

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(972): View more from Texas

Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.

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(360): View more from Washington

Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.

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(858): View more from California

Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.

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(970): View more from Colorado

My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on

(1-970): View more from Colorado

maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.

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(830): View more from Texas

I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60

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(303): View more from Colorado

No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(714): View more from California

my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Really stoned

(440): View more from Ohio

just sent my roommate on a cheese run

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(816): View more from Missouri

I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless

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(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

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(214): View more from Texas

My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(415): View more from California

Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.

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(406): View more from Montana

That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all

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(972): View more from Texas

Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(317): View more from Indiana

IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?

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(213): View more from California

His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.

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(914): View more from New York

Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him

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(601): View more from Mississippi

your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

SO DRUNK

(763): View more from Minnesota

PUKED IN DRIVEWAY

(763): View more from Minnesota

TELL PARENTS SORRY

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(334): View more from Alabama

What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(817): View more from Texas

You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician

(919): View more from North Carolina

3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.

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(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT

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(908): View more from New Jersey

we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

you should have been aborted.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.

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(707): View more from California

We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.

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(631): View more from New York

Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room

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(906): View more from Michigan

You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.

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(607): View more from New York

I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out

(253): View more from Washington

why what happened?

(607): View more from New York

Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.

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(443): View more from Maryland

well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(416): View more from Toronto

Everything smells like blood and olive oil.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(351): View more from Massachusetts

Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(619): View more from California

my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.

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(469): View more from Texas

How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(517): View more from Michigan

someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible

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(216): View more from Ohio

Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO

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(618): View more from Illinois

There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Yeah, but four times?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.

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(406): View more from Montana

He makes me want to shower. It must be love.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley

(502): View more from Kentucky

C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(207): View more from Maine

Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

To be fair I was thirsty

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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(314): View more from Missouri

There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!

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(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(801): View more from Utah

i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(214): View more from Texas

BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?

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(807): View more from Ontario

My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.

(1-807): View more from Ontario

I don't see the problem

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(519): View more from Ontario

we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?

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(269): View more from Michigan

Security deposit gone.

(269): View more from Michigan

burned down garage with fireworks.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(406): View more from Montana

My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

Yupp. And someone's bleeding

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(678): View more from Georgia

so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.

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(716): View more from New York

I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.

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(805): View more from California

WHY are the edges of my bra charred???

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(707): View more from California

One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(925): View more from California

when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(310): View more from California

yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(407): View more from Florida

How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?

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(530): View more from California

Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

That is a hangover

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I would prefer a headache

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(801): View more from Utah

Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(810): View more from Michigan

I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...

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(212): View more from New York

dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?

(1-212): View more from New York

idk but i think it had a face

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(425): View more from Washington

Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(970): View more from Colorado

im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.

(303): View more from Colorado

i dont think thats healthy man...

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(760): View more from California

That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill

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(408): View more from California

Dude, that was like bongs ago.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe

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(443): View more from Maryland

This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.

(320): View more from Minnesota

It's ok, February is a short month

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(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

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(224): View more from Illinois

alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now

(1-224): View more from Illinois

It's five in the morning. wtf?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright

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(630): View more from Illinois

He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(206): View more from Washington

We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.

(425): View more from Washington

It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars

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(408): View more from California

if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

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(317): View more from Indiana

He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans

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(478): View more from Georgia

I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself

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(440): View more from Ohio

Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.

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(708): View more from Illinois

hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(334): View more from Alabama

alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos

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(719): View more from Colorado

Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?

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(509): View more from Washington

He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(312): View more from Illinois

the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Still breathing?

(303): View more from Colorado

Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.

(503): View more from Oregon

What.

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(248): View more from Michigan

She's the worst person, but the best naked person

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.

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(206): View more from Washington

Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.

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(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

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(678): View more from Georgia

My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU

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(360): View more from Washington

Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis

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(323): View more from California

We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Teach me the song of your people

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

sidebar: i fucked your brother last night

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."

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(727): View more from Florida

they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.

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(585): View more from New York

When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

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(940): View more from Texas

BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.

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(408): View more from California

Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.

(408): View more from California

Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly

(1-408): View more from California

I approve this so hard.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.

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(954): View more from Florida

Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.

(989): View more from Michigan

you're going for the gold here.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I see a marketing opportunity

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol

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(785): View more from Kansas

When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My bed is full of blood and feathers

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(760): View more from California

People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.

(254): View more from Texas

It's 2 pm....

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

We will go to karaoke

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me

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(416): View more from Toronto

drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite

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(913): View more from Kansas

You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."

(301): View more from Maryland

That wasn't a compliment.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(815): View more from Illinois

60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.

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(949): View more from California

Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The struggles of a small town man whore

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Really? A fat girl?

(1-206): View more from Washington

I'm walking her back. Chill out.

(1-206): View more from Washington

She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

How does this kind of shit happen to you?!

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(219): View more from Indiana

You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.

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(818): View more from California

You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.

(1-818): View more from California

Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.

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(214): View more from Texas

MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.

(214): View more from Texas

SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.

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(915): View more from Texas

With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(303): View more from Colorado

New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out

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(314): View more from Missouri

If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(301): View more from Maryland

I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink

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(416): View more from Toronto

Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He should be castrated

(604): View more from British Columbia

Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons

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(207): View more from Maine

Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be

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(850): View more from Florida

My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.

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(352): View more from Florida

So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!

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(770): View more from Georgia

I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.

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(248): View more from Michigan

how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this

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(619): View more from California

I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

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(904): View more from Florida

WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS

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(509): View more from Washington

Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns

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(309): View more from Illinois

JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.

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(914): View more from New York

I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

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(850): View more from Florida

No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(301): View more from Maryland

Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?

(443): View more from Maryland

We using my standards or yours?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.

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(435): View more from Utah

Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.

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(415): View more from California

I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.

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(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

This girl is more easily done than said...

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(406): View more from Montana

Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.

(253): View more from Washington

I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?

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(714): View more from California

BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL

(1-714): View more from California

Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!

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(210): View more from Texas

READY

(1-210): View more from Texas

for what?

(210): View more from Texas

TO HAVE SEXXXX

(1-210): View more from Texas

i think you have the wrong number

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think im pregnant

(803): View more from South Carolina

I think you have the wrong number

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wrong number and your a loser

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(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.

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(951): View more from California

My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die

(1-616): View more from Michigan

that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.

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(360): View more from Washington

do we own a ladder

(206): View more from Washington

We do not.

(360): View more from Washington

then how am i on the roof

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(212): View more from New York

That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(845): View more from New York

Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?

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(714): View more from California

Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

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(734): View more from Michigan

A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(703): View more from Virginia

What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?

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(209): View more from California

I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers

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(614): View more from Ohio

There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.

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(315): View more from New York

There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...

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(314): View more from Missouri

I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.

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(607): View more from New York

Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light

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(303): View more from Colorado

How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?

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(914): View more from New York

Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser

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(330): View more from Ohio

Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wake up i wanna do it froggy style

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(509): View more from Washington

you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin

(509): View more from Washington

and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(310): View more from California

She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(660): View more from Missouri

He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder

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(516): View more from New York

Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking

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(312): View more from Illinois

I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.

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(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

I love foreign exchange students.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.

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(347): View more from New York

I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking

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(330): View more from Ohio

I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS

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(801): View more from Utah

I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."

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(214): View more from Texas

I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit

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(720): View more from Colorado

In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.

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(734): View more from Michigan

it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party

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(917): View more from New York City

Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(573): View more from Missouri

The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.

(252): View more from North Carolina

Psychosis secondary to sobriety???

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(620): View more from Kansas

Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.

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(904): View more from Florida

Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..

(973): View more from New Jersey

We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(914): View more from New York

So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(302): View more from Delaware

My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(512): View more from Texas

Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...

(919): View more from North Carolina

it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.

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(937): View more from Ohio

The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.

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(647): View more from Ontario

How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?

(416): View more from Toronto

Formal letter or email.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices

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(925): View more from California

All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.

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(360): View more from Washington

My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.

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(713): View more from Texas

He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is

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(248): View more from Michigan

My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug

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(425): View more from Washington

It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics

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(407): View more from Florida

I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.

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(714): View more from California

I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.

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(406): View more from Montana

Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"

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(281): View more from Texas

Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Dude, I just rear-ended a cab

(404): View more from Georgia

Are you drunk?

(770): View more from Georgia

A little...yes

(404): View more from Georgia

Run!

(770): View more from Georgia

Terrible brother advice.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.

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(281): View more from Texas

If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo

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(209): View more from California

I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(478): View more from Georgia

It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"

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(360): View more from Washington

Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD

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(281): View more from Texas

Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?

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(207): View more from Maine

But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom

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(435): View more from Utah

I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.

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(647): View more from Ontario

The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"

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(647): View more from Ontario

A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.

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(406): View more from Montana

You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face

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(720): View more from Colorado

Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.

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(323): View more from California

Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have a broken liver

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....

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(702): View more from Nevada

So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.

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(386): View more from Florida

And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW

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(518): View more from New York

it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.

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(360): View more from Washington

When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.

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(406): View more from Montana

Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(714): View more from California

I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire

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(519): View more from Ontario

How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Not very gracefully, that's how.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.

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(206): View more from Washington

Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"

(1-206): View more from Washington

I feel so bad for your roommate

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(210): View more from Texas

Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.

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(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea

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(619): View more from California

The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.

(1-619): View more from California

Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.

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(206): View more from Washington

That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm having a debate with **** over whether or not he is gay... what's your verdict?

(1-517): View more from Michigan

GAY or at the very least bisexual.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

His "joking around" with all of his roommates is clearly as act. He needs to step back and reevaluate his sexual orientation.

(517): View more from Michigan

Weird... you've rode him.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(847): View more from Illinois

after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.

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(719): View more from Colorado

My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.

(505): View more from New Mexico

By piano you mean.....

(719): View more from Colorado

Like literally a piano.

(505): View more from New Mexico

Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"

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(510): View more from California

How is your new roommate working out

(415): View more from California

We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day

(779): View more from Illinois

Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?

(815): View more from Illinois

Yes.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?

(309): View more from Illinois

No idea. And yes be here at 4

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.

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(213): View more from California

you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say

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(702): View more from Nevada

The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves

(806): View more from Texas

That's not technology. Doesn't count.

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(216): View more from Ohio

I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(585): View more from New York

He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit

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(847): View more from Illinois

As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.

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(765): View more from Indiana

If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.

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(815): View more from Illinois

YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(805): View more from California

It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!

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(209): View more from California

I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(817): View more from Texas

Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.

(214): View more from Texas

I still make more money.

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(847): View more from Illinois

My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.

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(845): View more from New York

You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.

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(703): View more from Virginia

YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(208): View more from Idaho

Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.

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(708): View more from Illinois

And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.

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(475): View more from Connecticut

So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for

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(810): View more from Michigan

So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.

(989): View more from Michigan

this is the most serious roommate agreement ever

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(616): View more from Michigan

Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.

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(470): View more from Georgia

My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce

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(805): View more from California

My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."

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(914): View more from New York

I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what

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(941): View more from Florida

sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate

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(678): View more from Georgia

I am sorry. I am also on acid.

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(773): View more from Illinois

The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?

(309): View more from Illinois

probably

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed

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(912): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.

(936): View more from Texas

As you should.

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(330): View more from Ohio

ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?

(505): View more from New Mexico

Heroically.

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(310): View more from California

you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity

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(719): View more from Colorado

I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda

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(847): View more from Illinois

I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?

(727): View more from Florida

ME.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(806): View more from Texas

Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.

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(207): View more from Maine

you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!

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(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(941): View more from Florida

Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

50% drunk capacity currently

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

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(416): View more from Toronto

arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?

(647): View more from Ontario

Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

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(817): View more from Texas

I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(720): View more from Colorado

So you met him?

(1-720): View more from Colorado

More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.

(779): View more from Illinois

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He yearns for your heart.

(678): View more from Georgia

He needs to stop being a pussy about it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.

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(416): View more from Toronto

In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US

(703): View more from Virginia

It's the American dream

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(720): View more from Colorado

Can we agree to not tell mom about this?

(303): View more from Colorado

This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(310): View more from California

thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.

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(256): View more from Alabama

So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.

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(315): View more from New York

you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just want to make out with him forever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO

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(510): View more from California

But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.

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(408): View more from California

If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.

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(209): View more from California

I will pee on everything he values.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(850): View more from Florida

Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.

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(850): View more from Florida

Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.

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(585): View more from New York

My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die

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(516): View more from New York

it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism

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(406): View more from Montana

I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period

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(231): View more from Michigan

That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(757): View more from Virginia

seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

(703): View more from Virginia

Well said.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis

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(540): View more from Virginia

This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.

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(916): View more from California

I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(954): View more from Florida

"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(813): View more from Florida

coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.

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(671): View more from Guam

I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same

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(434): View more from Virginia

Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You left wolverine marks

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

I'm somewhere between sorry and proud

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(310): View more from California

My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.

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(804): View more from Virginia

In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit

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(323): View more from California

Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

who is the naked dude on the coffee table

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude

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(216): View more from Ohio

I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!

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(571): View more from Virginia

We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(310): View more from California

Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull

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(678): View more from Georgia

It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.

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(212): View more from New York

He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.

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(210): View more from Texas

Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.

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(289): View more from Ontario

how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???

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(477): View more from

I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me

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(519): View more from Ontario

Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

U took a sewing needle to his nipple

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Psshh,

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(616): View more from Michigan

Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Glad to see your being a lady about this

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(313): View more from Michigan

stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.

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(219): View more from Indiana

That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed

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(425): View more from Washington

You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"

(425): View more from Washington

She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."

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(630): View more from Illinois

At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(323): View more from California

Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

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(319): View more from Iowa

You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..

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(954): View more from Florida

i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.

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(773): View more from Illinois

If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar

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(914): View more from New York

Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(212): View more from New York

he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings

(718): View more from New York

He can't hurt my feelings

(718): View more from New York

I don't have feelings.

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(212): View more from New York

Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...

(1-504): View more from Louisiana

dude, i think you're in initiation!

(504): View more from Louisiana

shit. that's not good.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...

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(607): View more from New York

Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.

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(740): View more from Ohio

The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0

(1-740): View more from Ohio

If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it

(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy

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(314): View more from Missouri

When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

.,.,you might have to leave

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Feel free to use me as a reference.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(510): View more from California

one might say we're banned from that church

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(503): View more from Oregon

the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.

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(805): View more from California

Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser

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(703): View more from Virginia

Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor

(703): View more from Virginia

Who is also still dressed up as a pirate

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

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(703): View more from Virginia

My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

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(214): View more from Texas

I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?

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(360): View more from Washington

Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.

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(253): View more from Washington

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH

(360): View more from Washington

Yes

(253): View more from Washington

O.K.

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(239): View more from Florida

You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.

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(863): View more from Florida

hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.

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(205): View more from Alabama

...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Did you hit it?

(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(612): View more from Minnesota

at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(315): View more from New York

dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you

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(323): View more from California

I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(607): View more from New York

I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

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(309): View more from Illinois

I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.

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(801): View more from Utah

WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything

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(917): View more from New York City

Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene

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(425): View more from Washington

I am thankful for thumbs.

(425): View more from Washington

Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.

(425): View more from Washington

Land dolphins.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much

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(707): View more from California

Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(817): View more from Texas

There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this

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(407): View more from Florida

You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to another booty call

(269): View more from Michigan

I don't think that should turn me on, but it does

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(224): View more from Illinois

:( I'm sorry!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

sexual favors sorry?

(224): View more from Illinois

absolutely not

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(520): View more from Arizona

One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My friends, they love my intelligence

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(214): View more from Texas

I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

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(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

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(773): View more from Illinois

Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

it was average length and chubby

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

so kinda like him?

(919): View more from North Carolina

now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(256): View more from Alabama

My hair reeks of homosexuality.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

(337): View more from Louisiana

mom cant say that college never taught us math

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam

(212): View more from New York

enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.

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(806): View more from Texas

Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too

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(586): View more from Michigan

You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

....you got kicked INTO a party??

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(214): View more from Texas

He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.

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(330): View more from Ohio

can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism

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(518): View more from New York

Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.

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(516): View more from New York

When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.

(618): View more from Illinois

dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.

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(970): View more from Colorado

That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...

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(330): View more from Ohio

When in doubt, it's too much cheese

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(240): View more from Maryland

The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.

(301): View more from Maryland

Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sooooo, no second date?

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(207): View more from Maine

Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?

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(302): View more from Delaware

apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.

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(469): View more from Texas

He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.

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(716): View more from New York

Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??

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(469): View more from Texas

Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?

(972): View more from Texas

This is why american education is failing

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I know that feel bro

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.

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(817): View more from Texas

And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword

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(607): View more from New York

Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?

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(360): View more from Washington

You fed me pizza off a sword last night.

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(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.

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(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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(425): View more from Washington

UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits

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(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"

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(818): View more from California

We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

this weekend will be like the season finale to my life

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps

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(516): View more from New York

Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(816): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.

(417): View more from Missouri

I'm going for alcohol poisoning.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".

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(913): View more from Kansas

I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."

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(916): View more from California

I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...

(1-937): View more from Ohio

I see you've learned your lesson.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(206): View more from Washington

imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.

(206): View more from Washington

Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.

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(305): View more from Florida

Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"

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(269): View more from Michigan

It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

It's 4 in the afternoon........

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(954): View more from Florida

everyone is single if you try hard enough

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(240): View more from Maryland

How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man

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(310): View more from California

hey what are you doing

(310): View more from California

hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!

(310): View more from California

i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic

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(309): View more from Illinois

the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.

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(310): View more from California

Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.

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(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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(951): View more from California

Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.

(1-951): View more from California

Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.

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(231): View more from Michigan

whats our policy on dating high schoolers?

(1-231): View more from Michigan

we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(478): View more from Georgia

How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses

(770): View more from Georgia

We'll talk about it later...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(301): View more from Maryland

There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?

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(574): View more from Indiana

IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.

(971): View more from Oregon

YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.

(574): View more from Indiana

NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you

(860): View more from Connecticut

I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.

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(253): View more from Washington

The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.

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(718): View more from New York

You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.

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(941): View more from Florida

We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.

(302): View more from Delaware

You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.

(865): View more from Tennessee

They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You are living the dream.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka

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(309): View more from Illinois

Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Shit is preposterous

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

omg his dad is hot

(410): View more from Maryland

... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.

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(254): View more from Texas

Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.

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(810): View more from Michigan

There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.

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(561): View more from Florida

I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(908): View more from New Jersey

As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status

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(435): View more from Utah

If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?

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(+44): View more from England

He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

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(760): View more from California

I wish they had nachos that got you drunk

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(419): View more from Ohio

When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.

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(602): View more from Arizona

where are you

(303): View more from Colorado

in your bedroom

(602): View more from Arizona

how did you get in

(303): View more from Colorado

your wife…

(602): View more from Arizona

WTF

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?

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(818): View more from California

Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

and then ....

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.

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(214): View more from Texas

You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(904): View more from Florida

Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(440): View more from Ohio

"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

How's the hangover?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.

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(573): View more from Missouri

BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST

(573): View more from Missouri

TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL

(573): View more from Missouri

AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT

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(646): View more from New York

classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?

(913): View more from Kansas

I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.

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(310): View more from California

That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

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(512): View more from Texas

Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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(443): View more from Maryland

apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless

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(734): View more from Michigan

My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(650): View more from California

I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.

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(240): View more from Maryland

im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(972): View more from Texas

Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?

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(813): View more from Florida

Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

(813): View more from Florida

Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Stop reading WebMD high.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(407): View more from Florida

Blood and glitter go together right?

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(404): View more from Georgia

There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.

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(650): View more from California

I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(415): View more from California

my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"

(650): View more from California

LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(208): View more from Idaho

I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(240): View more from Maryland

This kid is drunk.

(410): View more from Maryland

I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(719): View more from Colorado

I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.

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(343): View more from Ontario

You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.

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(909): View more from California

WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(310): View more from California

Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.

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(206): View more from Washington

He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(660): View more from Missouri

You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook

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(361): View more from Texas

yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.

(361): View more from Texas

I just can't bring boyfriends home.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.

(906): View more from Michigan

so you're not coming in to work today?

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(619): View more from California

I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.

(1-619): View more from California

Very innocently.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(613): View more from Ontario

i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(425): View more from Washington

the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(818): View more from California

I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

I would love to give you more rug burn

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face

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(302): View more from Delaware

Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(703): View more from Virginia

in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

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(360): View more from Washington

And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.

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(614): View more from Ohio

your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

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(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?

(863): View more from Florida

I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on

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(678): View more from Georgia

Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?

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(616): View more from Michigan

My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"

(1-616): View more from Michigan

I think you were raised by the wrong sister

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.

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(330): View more from Ohio

MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'll be there in 20 with vodka.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.

(1-660): View more from Missouri

THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

1. Thanks. 2. No.

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(916): View more from California

Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(607): View more from New York

I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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(512): View more from Texas

there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(425): View more from Washington

You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.

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(716): View more from New York

You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will

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(408): View more from California

hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)

(650): View more from California

nah, i'm gonna grab some food

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(818): View more from California

I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

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(253): View more from Washington

How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???

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(510): View more from California

dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(925): View more from California

I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched

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(512): View more from Texas

He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I wish his dick was as long as his hair.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.

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(707): View more from California

Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(+61): View more from Australia

Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm drunk

(615): View more from Tennessee

Is that why you're texting me

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Yes

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Who haven't you slept with?

(703): View more from Virginia

No one comes to mind.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(510): View more from California

you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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(720): View more from Colorado

when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Adam has been drinking

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Who has his phone

(810): View more from Michigan

Adam does

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

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(773): View more from Illinois

you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"

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(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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(313): View more from Michigan

I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.

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(914): View more from New York

THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

He likes bondage and spanking and shit.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(845): View more from New York

I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so

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(352): View more from Florida

I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex

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(530): View more from California

I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.

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(217): View more from Illinois

sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.

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(404): View more from Georgia

PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(707): View more from California

Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?

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(305): View more from Florida

Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.

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(512): View more from Texas

For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(703): View more from Virginia

It's like God shit irony all over that family

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(614): View more from Ohio

so are u like ashamed lol?

(513): View more from Ohio

not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip

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(503): View more from Oregon

I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed

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(305): View more from Florida

I just saw a hot homeless man

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(407): View more from Florida

Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(240): View more from Maryland

i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence

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(305): View more from Florida

Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

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(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

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(740): View more from Ohio

this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(936): View more from Texas

I AM VODKA MAN

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(678): View more from Georgia

Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.

(1-678): View more from Georgia

I want to change all my life goals to that.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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