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Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
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