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You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
We are two peas in an std pod
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i think i have herpe
just one?
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
someone threw a dead crab at me
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just cropdusted the office
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
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