Texts From Last Night

plc123's Favorites Texts:

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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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  (609): and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience. http://tfl.nu/1o4v
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  (425): View more from Washington

  I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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  (425): I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie. http://tfl.nu/58ia
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  (216): View more from Ohio

  ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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  (216): ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1. http://tfl.nu/a49b
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  (416): View more from Toronto

  Best. Handjob. Ever.

  (905): View more from Ontario

  I'm guessing Kelly is over?

  (416): View more from Toronto

  Nope. Home alone.

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  (416): Best. Handjob. Ever. (905): I'm guessing Kelly is over? (416): Nope. Home alone. http://tfl.nu/vpw4
  Replies (20) Good night (5781) Bad night (2813)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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  (413): Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW" http://tfl.nu/hdte
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  (330): View more from Ohio

  so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

  (216): View more from Ohio

  i hate you

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  (330): so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister (216): i hate you http://tfl.nu/9cj0
  Replies (43) Good night (22298) Bad night (1511)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  everybody makes mistakes

  (1-630): View more from Illinois

  i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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  (630): everybody makes mistakes (1-630): i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances http://tfl.nu/cihb
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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  (256): I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources. http://tfl.nu/m7l9
  Replies (28) Good night (3639) Bad night (1254) Order T-Shirt
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  (616): View more from Michigan

  On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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  (616): On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey. http://tfl.nu/p3t0
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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  (617): Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night http://tfl.nu/jx5s
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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  (410): She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her. http://tfl.nu/tg03
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  (415): View more from California

  i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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  (415): i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap http://tfl.nu/bmh2
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  (206): View more from Washington

  He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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  (206): He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go. http://tfl.nu/rhri
  Replies (13) Good night (2011) Bad night (3502) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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  (630): She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving. http://tfl.nu/1pg2
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  (973): View more from New Jersey

  i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

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  (973): i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for. http://tfl.nu/2a8f
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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  (202): Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death. http://tfl.nu/mvsk
  Replies (12) Good night (955) Bad night (4863) Order T-Shirt
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

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  (757): It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it. http://tfl.nu/6y9b
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.

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  (508): she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it. http://tfl.nu/mcxs
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  (207): View more from Maine

  her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did

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  (207): her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did http://tfl.nu/hfoj
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  (312): View more from Illinois

  Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

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  (312): Text. Mid BJ. 8 points. http://tfl.nu/1rgb
  Replies (42) Good night (2025) Bad night (460) Order T-Shirt
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work

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  (630): Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work http://tfl.nu/uouq
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  (770): View more from Georgia

  my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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  (770): my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad http://tfl.nu/o7wi
  Replies (32) Good night (1607) Bad night (8599) Order T-Shirt
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I wish I could punch you in the face.

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  (313): I wish I could punch you in the face. http://tfl.nu/jewc
  Replies (4) Good night (1249) Bad night (521) Order T-Shirt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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  (336): This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard. http://tfl.nu/5chf
  Replies (36) Good night (5980) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
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  (619): View more from California

  i miss you so much

  (858): View more from California

  i miss you too

  (858): View more from California

  oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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  (619): i miss you so much (858): i miss you too (858): oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me http://tfl.nu/932e
  Replies (16) Good night (2500) Bad night (706)
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  (831): View more from California

  So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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  (831): So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me... http://tfl.nu/3wpt
  Replies (18) Good night (1271) Bad night (6454) Order T-Shirt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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  (406): he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me. http://tfl.nu/3m0w
  Replies (20) Good night (1363) Bad night (6570) Order T-Shirt
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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  (215): i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me http://tfl.nu/j6i2
  Replies (13) Good night (1237) Bad night (3688) Order T-Shirt
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

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  (617): He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up. http://tfl.nu/h2lf
  Replies (23) Good night (8039) Bad night (4805) Order T-Shirt
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  (727): View more from Florida

  Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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  (727): Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew. http://tfl.nu/ch0g
  Replies (8) Good night (6959) Bad night (827) Order T-Shirt
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  (845): View more from New York

  i can't find my house

  (1-845): View more from New York

  we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

  (845): View more from New York

  i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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  (845): i can't find my house (1-845): we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago. (845): i'm pretty sure my house moved. http://tfl.nu/nzng
  Replies (51) Good night (13481) Bad night (1256)
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  (352): View more from Florida

  What are you doing?

  (352): View more from Florida

  High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

  (352): View more from Florida

  That guy could sell me cancer.

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  (352): What are you doing? (352): High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials... (352): That guy could sell me cancer. http://tfl.nu/gkwe
  Replies (46) Good night (5069) Bad night (646)
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  (347): View more from New York

  I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN

  (347): View more from New York

  I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN

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  (347): I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN (347): I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN http://tfl.nu/s3su
  Replies (41) Good night (11084) Bad night (2077)
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin

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  (617): Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin http://tfl.nu/g5qp
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  (906): View more from Michigan

  I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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  (906): I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon. http://tfl.nu/l4la
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  (281): View more from Texas

  Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.

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  (281): Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle. http://tfl.nu/lbmt
  Replies (43) Good night (6278) Bad night (849)
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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  (850): Miracle whip is the devil's jizz. http://tfl.nu/kavw
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  (360): View more from Washington

  I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

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  (360): I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock http://tfl.nu/cdtd
  Replies (29) Good night (598) Bad night (1165) Order T-Shirt
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

  (339): View more from Massachusetts

  No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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  (508): Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor. (339): No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though. http://tfl.nu/0uyr
  Replies (34) Good night (9570) Bad night (1281)
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  (+49): View more from Germany

  They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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  (+49): They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany! http://tfl.nu/9nli
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  (334): View more from Alabama

  This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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  (334): This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back. http://tfl.nu/st6c
  Replies (36) Good night (15232) Bad night (992) Order T-Shirt
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  (609): View more from New Jersey

  Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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  (609): Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home. http://tfl.nu/wrow
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  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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  (608): and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM" http://tfl.nu/3pco
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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  (304): Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures http://tfl.nu/pect
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  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm laying in your front yard are you home

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  (810): I'm laying in your front yard are you home http://tfl.nu/8whw
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  (712): View more from Iowa

  Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

  (714): View more from California

  Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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  (712): Doctor said I have sports induced asthma. (714): Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape." http://tfl.nu/hfcj
  Replies (37) Good night (9685) Bad night (1457)
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  (919): View more from North Carolina

  What are we going to do tonight?

  (704): View more from North Carolina

  What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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  (919): What are we going to do tonight? (704): What we try to do every night. Take over the world http://tfl.nu/y4va
  Replies (30) Good night (4198) Bad night (592)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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  (920): i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel. http://tfl.nu/bqxg
  Replies (26) Good night (12725) Bad night (1065) Order T-Shirt
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  (774): View more from Massachusetts

  So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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  (774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua
  Replies (27) Good night (6507) Bad night (1069)
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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  (920): He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car. http://tfl.nu/srqw
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  (763): View more from Minnesota

  The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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  (763): The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet. http://tfl.nu/fwq9
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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  (336): and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex http://tfl.nu/hs2b
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.

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  (505): He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off. http://tfl.nu/4dsi
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  (337): View more from Louisiana

  All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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  (337): All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!" http://tfl.nu/qrwa
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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  (816): he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard. http://tfl.nu/weqf
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  (949): View more from California

  im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever

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  (949): im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever http://tfl.nu/2bk7
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  (631): View more from New York

  Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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  (631): Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life. http://tfl.nu/pg4a
  Replies (2) Good night (808) Bad night (2820) Order T-Shirt
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  (731): View more from Tennessee

  I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.

  (601): View more from Mississippi

  Talk to you next week

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  (731): I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period. (601): Talk to you next week http://tfl.nu/n6cb
  Replies (29) Good night (742) Bad night (1639)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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  (401): His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old http://tfl.nu/b9xq
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  (714): View more from California

  walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

  (714): View more from California

  he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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  (714): walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined (714): he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day http://tfl.nu/76ot
  Replies (44) Good night (4636) Bad night (8292)
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  (858): View more from California

  There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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  (858): There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate. http://tfl.nu/dn5m
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  (803): View more from South Carolina

  I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.

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  (803): I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer. http://tfl.nu/7z73
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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  (336): Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex. http://tfl.nu/1j3r
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  (260): View more from Indiana

  A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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  (260): A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him http://tfl.nu/k8ud
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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  (732): come over i need a lifeguard for my shower http://tfl.nu/1qns
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  bl l w

  (201): View more from New Jersey

  this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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  (908): bl l w (201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel. http://tfl.nu/4an5
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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  (847): You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive. http://tfl.nu/z8kz
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  (928): View more from Arizona

  Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.

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  (928): Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting. http://tfl.nu/1dh0
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  (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?

  (216): View more from Ohio

  ... about that ...

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  (440): thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok? (216): ... about that ... http://tfl.nu/8foz
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  making cat noises will not fix the situation.

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  (602): making cat noises will not fix the situation. http://tfl.nu/m8sq
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  (360): View more from Washington

  my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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  (360): my secret santa just gave me a pregency test http://tfl.nu/rgpa
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  (807): View more from Ontario

  I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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  (807): I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina. http://tfl.nu/rpnu
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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  (610): A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex. http://tfl.nu/u4lo
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now

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  (313): You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now http://tfl.nu/dcco
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  (44): View more from England

  What's everyones problem with my costume?!

  (1-44): View more from England

  It looks like a unicorn came on your face.

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  (44): What's everyones problem with my costume?! (1-44): It looks like a unicorn came on your face. http://tfl.nu/f20r
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  (910): View more from North Carolina

  Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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  (910): Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut. http://tfl.nu/hcrb
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  (626): View more from California

  she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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  (626): she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo http://tfl.nu/loae
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  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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  (617): everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills http://tfl.nu/tub1
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  (856): View more from New Jersey

  There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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  (856): There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened. http://tfl.nu/ncfk
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  (443): View more from Maryland

  He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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  (443): He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him http://tfl.nu/8x14
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  Hey man your outta milk

  (541): View more from Oregon

  How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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  (503): Hey man your outta milk (541): How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?! http://tfl.nu/1x3m
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  (313): View more from Michigan

  I can get orange kush...

  (586): View more from Michigan

  GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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  (313): I can get orange kush... (586): GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?! http://tfl.nu/voiy
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

  (850): View more from Florida

  I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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  (850): Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave? (850): I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife http://tfl.nu/5iik
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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  (513): You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing. http://tfl.nu/rrc8
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  (850): View more from Florida

  I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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  (850): I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized. http://tfl.nu/cbfh
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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  (410): I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas. http://tfl.nu/b72z
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  (562): View more from California

  the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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  (562): the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon... http://tfl.nu/do0i
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?

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  (203): What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face? http://tfl.nu/dot3
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  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

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  (860): Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water. http://tfl.nu/9vgl
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

  (708): View more from Illinois

  WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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  (612): she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :) (708): WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE http://tfl.nu/vm9y
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  (573): View more from Missouri

  just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

  (636): View more from Missouri

  Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

  (573): View more from Missouri

  IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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  (573): just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch (636): Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving? (573): IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation http://tfl.nu/yr3e
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  (850): View more from Florida

  Are you still giving blowjobs?

  (1-850): View more from Florida

  Who is this?

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  (850): Are you still giving blowjobs? (1-850): Who is this? http://tfl.nu/iq9v
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

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  (612): I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her http://tfl.nu/lmu7
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  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
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  (760): View more from California

  Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

  (1-760): View more from California

  I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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  (760): Why is your vibrator in the fridge? (1-760): I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there. http://tfl.nu/7etk
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  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks

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  (262): The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks http://tfl.nu/b2le
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  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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  (978): i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running. http://tfl.nu/jcc8
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him

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  (303): mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him http://tfl.nu/uw49
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  (858): View more from California

  It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.

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  (858): It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain. http://tfl.nu/y8ei
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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  (908): My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv. http://tfl.nu/oqts
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  (985): View more from Louisiana

  when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"

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  (985): when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this" http://tfl.nu/g0yg
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  (949): View more from California

  When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'

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  (949): When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger' http://tfl.nu/z4iq
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.

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  (513): I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this. http://tfl.nu/ok35
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  (305): View more from Florida

  I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.

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  (305): I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me. http://tfl.nu/06ls
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  (513): View more from Ohio

  She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....

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  (513): She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited.... http://tfl.nu/lzs9
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  (386): View more from Florida

  The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance

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  (386): The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance http://tfl.nu/iqmo
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina

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  (832): it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina http://tfl.nu/a6qo
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  (650): View more from California

  we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  god you guys know how to party

  (650): View more from California

  worst. bachelorette party. ever.

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  (650): we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed (505): god you guys know how to party (650): worst. bachelorette party. ever. http://tfl.nu/3oqx
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  (913): View more from Kansas

  he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.

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  (913): he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness. http://tfl.nu/hbrf
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  (409): View more from Texas

  First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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  (409): First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance. http://tfl.nu/3lur
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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  (401): You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions. http://tfl.nu/pgpr
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  (920): View more from Wisconsin

  So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.

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  (920): So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again. http://tfl.nu/54yy
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  (817): View more from Texas

  you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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  (817): you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for http://tfl.nu/dk1d
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  (716): View more from New York

  she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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  (716): she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives. http://tfl.nu/3y3d
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  (514): View more from Quebec

  you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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  (514): you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes http://tfl.nu/cth1
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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  (270): she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah. http://tfl.nu/1uyt
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  (336): View more from North Carolina

  I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture

  (1-336): View more from North Carolina

  Glad to see your being a lady about this

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  (336): I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture (1-336): Glad to see your being a lady about this http://tfl.nu/pcgd
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  (435): View more from Utah

  She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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  (435): She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life. http://tfl.nu/8hnp
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  (315): View more from New York

  He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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  (315): He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again. http://tfl.nu/0egr
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  (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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  (832): The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left. http://tfl.nu/7tek
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  (636): View more from Missouri

  I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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  (636): I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend. http://tfl.nu/x4zz
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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  (256): she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy. http://tfl.nu/z1ta
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  (815): View more from Illinois

  Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.

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  (815): Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit. http://tfl.nu/yacj
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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  (630): I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important http://tfl.nu/7wts
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
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  (951): View more from California

  Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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  (951): Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable. http://tfl.nu/q51j
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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  (781): I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue. http://tfl.nu/4rks
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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  (612): If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting. http://tfl.nu/7l1r
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  (212): View more from New York

  i want you now

  (916): View more from California

  you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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  (212): i want you now (916): you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this http://tfl.nu/8egt
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  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

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  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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  (401): she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride. http://tfl.nu/b4k2
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

  (1-508): View more from Massachusetts

  you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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  (508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation? (1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets. http://tfl.nu/hqfn
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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  (757): He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish. http://tfl.nu/lwox
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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  (203): I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter. http://tfl.nu/8kyg
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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  (401): he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick http://tfl.nu/778x
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Redeem this text for a blowjob

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  (507): Redeem this text for a blowjob http://tfl.nu/3lns
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  (124): View more from

  Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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  (124): Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all. http://tfl.nu/q25u
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  (212): View more from New York

  ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

  (1-212): View more from New York

  this is Aaron, hi

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  (212): ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud? (1-212): this is Aaron, hi http://tfl.nu/ackd
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  (386): View more from Florida

  after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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  (386): after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time. http://tfl.nu/767v
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  (469): View more from Texas

  i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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  (469): i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine... http://tfl.nu/msgo
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.

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  (519): Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins. http://tfl.nu/y67p
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

  (303): View more from Colorado

  and I must say, you were very persuasive

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  (303): you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight. (303): and I must say, you were very persuasive http://tfl.nu/e18p
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  (816): View more from Missouri

  Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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  (816): Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face" http://tfl.nu/0o08
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  (416): View more from Ontario

  He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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  (416): He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him. http://tfl.nu/3lsk
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  (586): View more from Michigan

  so how was last night?

  (1-586): View more from Michigan

  got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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  (586): so how was last night? (1-586): got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages. http://tfl.nu/4xoa
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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  (518): I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before http://tfl.nu/9107
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  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.

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  (717): just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high. http://tfl.nu/38z6
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  (915): View more from Texas

  I told you I was good to drive

  (1-915): View more from Texas

  dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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  (915): I told you I was good to drive (1-915): dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate http://tfl.nu/7qaj
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  (541): View more from Oregon

  So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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  (541): So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward http://tfl.nu/dpap
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  (908): View more from New Jersey

  I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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  (908): I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain. http://tfl.nu/vwtj
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  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
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  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
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  (303): View more from Colorado

  If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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  (303): If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns. http://tfl.nu/xebd
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  (410): View more from Maryland

  Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

  (301): View more from Maryland

  I accept this challenge.

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  (410): Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you. (301): I accept this challenge. http://tfl.nu/mbqm
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  (319): View more from Iowa

  Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

  (1-319): View more from Iowa

  Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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  (319): Heyyyy darlin are you busy? (1-319): Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night. http://tfl.nu/pwb0
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