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I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
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