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You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
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