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Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
this will be a night to untag.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
So many bounce houses so little time
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
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