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I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
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