Texts From Last Night

mrussell419's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

• Favorite

  (620): View more from Kansas

  Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (620): Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like. http://tfl.nu/q54q
  Replies (10) Good night (1555) Bad night (1038)
• Favorite

  (216): View more from Ohio

  fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (216): fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again. http://tfl.nu/nv5y
  Replies (28) Good night (13053) Bad night (1834) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (270): View more from Kentucky

  I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (270): I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea? http://tfl.nu/h6xa
  Replies (43) Good night (9119) Bad night (2208) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (727): View more from Florida

  It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (727): It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together. http://tfl.nu/hikf
  Replies (30) Good night (843) Bad night (4964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (734): View more from Michigan

  The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (734): The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me. http://tfl.nu/j8wb
  Replies (6) Good night (706) Bad night (1469) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone. http://tfl.nu/b8gy
  Replies (8) Good night (2368) Bad night (574) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (408): View more from California

  I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (408): I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life. http://tfl.nu/0k63
  Replies (17) Good night (2862) Bad night (1159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (307): View more from Wyoming

  Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (307): Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER. http://tfl.nu/f1x9
  Replies (9) Good night (2639) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you. http://tfl.nu/dykx
  Replies (8) Good night (3268) Bad night (666)
• Favorite

  (443): View more from Maryland

  His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (443): His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number. http://tfl.nu/j9e9
  Replies (21) Good night (3573) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (724): My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out... http://tfl.nu/jne9
  Replies (5) Good night (2599) Bad night (817)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

  (718): View more from New York

  pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them (718): pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed http://tfl.nu/7id4
  Replies (31) Good night (11162) Bad night (923)
• Favorite

  (567): View more from Ohio

  i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (567): i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style http://tfl.nu/1r2g
  Replies (24) Good night (1596) Bad night (4744) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen. http://tfl.nu/gj69
  Replies (38) Good night (12603) Bad night (1064) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (330): View more from Ohio

  I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (330): I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner http://tfl.nu/m02y
  Replies (7) Good night (1881) Bad night (1161) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth. http://tfl.nu/16j0
  Replies (14) Good night (3243) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (530): View more from California

  He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (530): He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?" http://tfl.nu/zkkw
  Replies (6) Good night (1652) Bad night (2431) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek. http://tfl.nu/dtfv
  Replies (5) Good night (1558) Bad night (628) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (603): I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay. http://tfl.nu/s25q
  Replies (8) Good night (3835) Bad night (885)
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee http://tfl.nu/vhng
  Replies (8) Good night (1873) Bad night (476) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT. http://tfl.nu/esfv
  Replies (4) Good night (2583) Bad night (481) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning" http://tfl.nu/wpur
  Replies (9) Good night (912) Bad night (2509) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (414): View more from Wisconsin

  I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (414): I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong." http://tfl.nu/mk9e
  Replies (9) Good night (1872) Bad night (1336) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (856): View more from New Jersey

  I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (856): I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch. http://tfl.nu/64iu
  Replies (28) Good night (4839) Bad night (876) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children http://tfl.nu/7xpu
  Replies (6) Good night (4227) Bad night (652)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever. http://tfl.nu/ir44
  Replies (7) Good night (3149) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (850): View more from Florida

  that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (850): that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick http://tfl.nu/ww0j
  Replies (11) Good night (3770) Bad night (623) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night. http://tfl.nu/lqaz
  Replies (6) Good night (1224) Bad night (1458) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (614): View more from Ohio

  John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (614): John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it. http://tfl.nu/stvk
  Replies (8) Good night (703) Bad night (2484) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it. http://tfl.nu/ii10
  Replies (23) Good night (4752) Bad night (764) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (631): View more from New York

  Can you return condoms to CVS?

  (516): View more from New York

  Only if you return your pride as well.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (631): Can you return condoms to CVS? (516): Only if you return your pride as well. http://tfl.nu/vx1b
  Replies (32) Good night (585) Bad night (3538)
• Favorite

  (901): View more from Tennessee

  She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (901): She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab. http://tfl.nu/iean
  Replies (6) Good night (2320) Bad night (655) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

  (1-925): View more from California

  what are you doing with your life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (925): 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down (1-925): what are you doing with your life http://tfl.nu/25tc
  Replies (19) Good night (4888) Bad night (1134) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (770): View more from Georgia

  I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (770): I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex. http://tfl.nu/726q
  Replies (11) Good night (4746) Bad night (743) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (517): I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high. http://tfl.nu/trcx
  Replies (20) Good night (3187) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (406): View more from Montana

  Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

  (1-406): View more from Montana

  What the fuck?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (406): Its weird to pet your cat with a boner (1-406): What the fuck? http://tfl.nu/9pm4
  Replies (48) Good night (1915) Bad night (8544) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (660): View more from Missouri

  what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

  (816): View more from Missouri

  um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (660): what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate? (816): um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan http://tfl.nu/0tla
  Replies (11) Good night (7659) Bad night (917)
• Favorite

  (970): View more from Colorado

  If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (970): If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car. http://tfl.nu/glcf
  Replies (6) Good night (735) Bad night (3076) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (830): View more from Texas

  just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (830): just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao http://tfl.nu/019w
  Replies (17) Good night (3900) Bad night (999) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on... http://tfl.nu/l298
  Replies (67) Good night (2020) Bad night (964) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (315): View more from New York

  My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (315): My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw. http://tfl.nu/z7bn
  Replies (10) Good night (3350) Bad night (928) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances," http://tfl.nu/u663
  Replies (83) Good night (3461) Bad night (2701) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (618): View more from Illinois

  Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (618): Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth? http://tfl.nu/eljh
  Replies (9) Good night (846) Bad night (5174) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (360): View more from Washington

  Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?

  (903): View more from Texas

  Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (360): Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated? (903): Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake... http://tfl.nu/fy7y
  Replies (5) Good night (2355) Bad night (541)
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke? http://tfl.nu/8orw
  Replies (19) Good night (3807) Bad night (1163) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment http://tfl.nu/9rz9
  Replies (9) Good night (4800) Bad night (1704)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.'' http://tfl.nu/51jx
  Replies (11) Good night (6339) Bad night (1841) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (937): View more from Ohio

  Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (937): Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover http://tfl.nu/h2d8
  Replies (56) Good night (2912) Bad night (6327) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (630): View more from Illinois

  You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (630): You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking". http://tfl.nu/tuao
  Replies (9) Good night (5692) Bad night (671) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up. http://tfl.nu/2dvo
  Replies (1) Good night (2590) Bad night (752)
• Favorite

  (478): View more from Georgia

  We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (478): We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out. http://tfl.nu/tea7
  Replies (14) Good night (7725) Bad night (1447) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside" http://tfl.nu/md9m
  Replies (12) Good night (6306) Bad night (993) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake. http://tfl.nu/amef
  Replies (18) Good night (5194) Bad night (1556)
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard http://tfl.nu/45qa
  Replies (10) Good night (2967) Bad night (967) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius! http://tfl.nu/2kph
  Replies (259) Good night (4912) Bad night (4696) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (973): View more from New Jersey

  My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (973): My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year. http://tfl.nu/yrzl
  Replies (10) Good night (1757) Bad night (3108) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (334): View more from Alabama

  I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (334): I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves. http://tfl.nu/rn3o
  Replies (41) Good night (12278) Bad night (1391) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (260): View more from Indiana

  Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (260): Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes http://tfl.nu/dtzq
  Replies (47) Good night (3978) Bad night (1505) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (647): View more from Ontario

  hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (647): hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight. http://tfl.nu/a6ne
  Replies (4) Good night (578) Bad night (1953) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar http://tfl.nu/20ke
  Replies (6) Good night (2316) Bad night (760) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (912): View more from Georgia

  I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (912): I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her http://tfl.nu/j3sh
  Replies (9) Good night (3266) Bad night (842) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (+44): Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill? http://tfl.nu/844o
  Replies (14) Good night (3600) Bad night (1633) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (608): View more from Wisconsin

  You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"

  (1-608): View more from Wisconsin

  I like taco bell too

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (608): You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal" (1-608): I like taco bell too http://tfl.nu/tqnv
  Replies (9) Good night (3905) Bad night (600) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (904): View more from Florida

  We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (904): We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese http://tfl.nu/clhz
  Replies (16) Good night (4000) Bad night (640) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about http://tfl.nu/1vap
  Replies (27) Good night (1291) Bad night (6602)
• Favorite

  (613): View more from Ontario

  I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (613): I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked. http://tfl.nu/z7yx
  Replies (11) Good night (6905) Bad night (731) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance. http://tfl.nu/vgvp
  Replies (69) Good night (8808) Bad night (704)
• Favorite

  (910): View more from North Carolina

  You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (910): You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?" http://tfl.nu/kb6v
  Replies (12) Good night (5533) Bad night (815) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried http://tfl.nu/9dr3
  Replies (51) Good night (15128) Bad night (3709) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (801): View more from Utah

  please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (801): please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist. http://tfl.nu/t4io
  Replies (26) Good night (8857) Bad night (1035) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (212): View more from New York

  I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (212): I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out" http://tfl.nu/blqb
  Replies (29) Good night (8513) Bad night (777)
• Favorite

  (651): View more from Minnesota

  they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (651): they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight. http://tfl.nu/8039
  Replies (7) Good night (4863) Bad night (792) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  Say it nicely.

  (1-303): View more from Colorado

  Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): Say it nicely. (1-303): Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy? http://tfl.nu/5ned
  Replies (51) Good night (16201) Bad night (1167) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (864): View more from South Carolina

  So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (864): So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life" http://tfl.nu/u5wp
  Replies (175) Good night (51693) Bad night (5691)
• Favorite

  (402): View more from Nebraska

  apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

  (717): View more from Pennsylvania

  But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (402): apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor. (717): But why'd she put it on the conveyor then? http://tfl.nu/v0cx
  Replies (4) Good night (2471) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (208): View more from Idaho

  She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (208): She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!" http://tfl.nu/qjvm
  Replies (41) Good night (2655) Bad night (9302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (918): View more from Oklahoma

  i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (918): i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut." http://tfl.nu/bhgh
  Replies (13) Good night (4297) Bad night (540) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!" http://tfl.nu/kl2h
  Replies (38) Good night (19095) Bad night (1347) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (254): View more from Texas

  I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (254): I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer... http://tfl.nu/1ty6
  Replies (28) Good night (3111) Bad night (6293) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (845): View more from New York

  The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (845): The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor. http://tfl.nu/klg7
  Replies (5) Good night (3769) Bad night (1297) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (814): I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?" http://tfl.nu/fmqf
  Replies (57) Good night (775) Bad night (3897) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!" (1-513): You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks. http://tfl.nu/bvbo
  Replies (30) Good night (616) Bad night (1562)
• Favorite

  (914): View more from New York

  This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.

  (1-914): View more from New York

  maybe it's her son

  (914): View more from New York

  thats not any better.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (914): This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out. (1-914): maybe it's her son (914): thats not any better. http://tfl.nu/9ktq
  Replies (23) Good night (483) Bad night (3012)
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi. http://tfl.nu/yrsa
  Replies (15) Good night (3037) Bad night (509)
• Favorite

  (404): View more from Georgia

  hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (404): hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma. http://tfl.nu/dkbg
  Replies (37) Good night (4258) Bad night (7239) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (810): View more from Michigan

  I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (810): I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future. http://tfl.nu/04uk
  Replies (31) Good night (1614) Bad night (6336)
• Favorite

  (320): View more from Minnesota

  so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (320): so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville.. http://tfl.nu/vgyl
  Replies (38) Good night (1719) Bad night (5207) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it. http://tfl.nu/l5ke
  Replies (29) Good night (8836) Bad night (1784) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it. http://tfl.nu/o4vn
  Replies (7) Good night (3593) Bad night (543) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (610): A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex. http://tfl.nu/u4lo
  Replies (29) Good night (5926) Bad night (1078) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick. http://tfl.nu/czw4
  Replies (26) Good night (3397) Bad night (674) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life. http://tfl.nu/zrqp
  Replies (41) Good night (4885) Bad night (1071) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  I am engaged

  (262): View more from Wisconsin

  To a real live girl that has met me

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (262): I am engaged (262): To a real live girl that has met me http://tfl.nu/4ln0
  Replies (7) Good night (1431) Bad night (434)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found... http://tfl.nu/titb
  Replies (16) Good night (9639) Bad night (901) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (718): View more from New York

  bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

  (917): View more from New York City

  I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (718): bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch (917): I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation http://tfl.nu/gosl
  Replies (41) Good night (37108) Bad night (1386)
• Favorite

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (202): if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess... http://tfl.nu/v82v
  Replies (10) Good night (1088) Bad night (2621) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people. http://tfl.nu/5ctu
  Replies (15) Good night (1081) Bad night (2735) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while. http://tfl.nu/clpn
  Replies (15) Good night (4312) Bad night (1191) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (806): View more from Texas

  We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (806): We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts. http://tfl.nu/2tox
  Replies (11) Good night (6228) Bad night (1107) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (250): View more from British Columbia

  My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (250): My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances http://tfl.nu/ihp8
  Replies (15) Good night (1062) Bad night (4729) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (714): View more from California

  i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (714): i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock http://tfl.nu/oxvs
  Replies (14) Good night (6008) Bad night (1055) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (916): View more from California

  It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (916): It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable. http://tfl.nu/6byi
  Replies (7) Good night (3248) Bad night (1324) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends? http://tfl.nu/08w4
  Replies (101) Good night (33900) Bad night (3565) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (337): View more from Louisiana

  Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (337): Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta http://tfl.nu/2wvh
  Replies (21) Good night (4381) Bad night (1052) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (513): View more from Ohio

  Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (513): Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud. http://tfl.nu/fmdm
  Replies (96) Good night (13155) Bad night (2120) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

  (952): View more from Minnesota

  You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad? (952): You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him.... http://tfl.nu/ht91
  Replies (37) Good night (1982) Bad night (7830)
• Favorite

  (859): View more from Kentucky

  Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (859): Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things. http://tfl.nu/chhw
  Replies (6) Good night (3447) Bad night (811) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (917): View more from New York City

  shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (917): shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom http://tfl.nu/fv07
  Replies (13) Good night (5674) Bad night (935) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (815): View more from Illinois

  Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (815): Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are. http://tfl.nu/ve28
  Replies (34) Good night (5286) Bad night (556) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (518): View more from New York

  4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (518): 4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens. http://tfl.nu/m8yq
  Replies (55) Good night (10519) Bad night (3044) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (314): View more from Missouri

  doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

  (504): View more from Louisiana

  I'm out of practice. be my yoda

  (314): View more from Missouri

  put your penis in her you must.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (314): doooooooo herrrrrrrrr (504): I'm out of practice. be my yoda (314): put your penis in her you must. http://tfl.nu/ti1e
  Replies (58) Good night (17892) Bad night (866)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

  (1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

  bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  This is sufficient.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (412): Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living (1-412): bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug (412): This is sufficient. http://tfl.nu/p15m
  Replies (72) Good night (12110) Bad night (815)
• Favorite

  (205): View more from Alabama

  woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

  (1-205): View more from Alabama

  yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (205): woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers (1-205): yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness.... http://tfl.nu/wnn7
  Replies (62) Good night (10429) Bad night (661)
• Favorite

  (209): View more from California

  kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (209): kindergarten is hard when you're hung over. http://tfl.nu/68v6
  Replies (23) Good night (5201) Bad night (799) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (480): View more from Arizona

  turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (480): turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way. http://tfl.nu/4k3o
  Replies (30) Good night (4813) Bad night (737) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches... http://tfl.nu/6ywp
  Replies (47) Good night (8047) Bad night (780) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  mornings like this make me wish i was morman.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): mornings like this make me wish i was morman. http://tfl.nu/eeuj
  Replies (32) Good night (1024) Bad night (2043) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (425): View more from Washington

  You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (425): You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option. http://tfl.nu/ipw1
  Replies (34) Good night (9939) Bad night (568) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  "We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (773): Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could. (773): "We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible. (773): I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive. http://tfl.nu/kn2s
  Replies (21) Good night (631) Bad night (1389)
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is http://tfl.nu/hhp3
  Replies (55) Good night (4631) Bad night (684) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (804): View more from Virginia

  my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (804): my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it. http://tfl.nu/l9cy
  Replies (18) Good night (4506) Bad night (492) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (440): View more from Ohio

  Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (440): Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana. http://tfl.nu/g8b3
  Replies (24) Good night (1763) Bad night (6567) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (818): View more from California

  I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (818): I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff http://tfl.nu/b3xl
  Replies (83) Good night (11900) Bad night (1135) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (703): View more from Virginia

  i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (703): i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice. http://tfl.nu/s321
  Replies (15) Good night (5249) Bad night (504) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too" http://tfl.nu/x15y
  Replies (5) Good night (3974) Bad night (832) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water http://tfl.nu/s84f
  Replies (24) Good night (6714) Bad night (846) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (847): View more from Illinois

  We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (847): We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate. http://tfl.nu/z0ff
  Replies (10) Good night (8644) Bad night (849) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (540): View more from Virginia

  he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (540): he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride http://tfl.nu/4fyt
  Replies (34) Good night (20275) Bad night (1531) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (203): View more from Connecticut

  he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

  (1-203): View more from Connecticut

  your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (203): he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible... (1-203): your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen http://tfl.nu/mgfl
  Replies (20) Good night (5390) Bad night (978) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (407): View more from Florida

  If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (407): If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that. http://tfl.nu/f0c3
  Replies (24) Good night (2839) Bad night (580) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (781): Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster. http://tfl.nu/zgi0
  Replies (29) Good night (2138) Bad night (457) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (587): View more from Alberta

  His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?

  (780): View more from Alberta, CA

  You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?

  (587): View more from Alberta

  She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (587): His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl? (780): You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus? (587): She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass. http://tfl.nu/i4m5
  Replies (68) Good night (2172) Bad night (4367)
• Favorite

  (650): View more from California

  last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (650): last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.' http://tfl.nu/3iza
  Replies (16) Good night (5364) Bad night (1121) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (503): View more from Oregon

  Buhtt sex?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (503): Buhtt sex? http://tfl.nu/zx30
  Replies (9) Good night (2388) Bad night (1074) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (405): so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life http://tfl.nu/i5i3
  Replies (13) Good night (4175) Bad night (771) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (434): View more from Virginia

  why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

  (540): View more from Virginia

  you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed? (540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets. http://tfl.nu/2g4o
  Replies (42) Good night (28321) Bad night (1324)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (248): You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened... http://tfl.nu/unry
  Replies (66) Good night (25125) Bad night (2648) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (586): View more from Michigan

  There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (586): There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks http://tfl.nu/aadi
  Replies (16) Good night (2745) Bad night (572)
• Favorite

  (303): View more from Colorado

  am i morally bankrupt?

  (970): View more from Colorado

  no. its just the recession

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (303): am i morally bankrupt? (970): no. its just the recession http://tfl.nu/r26w
  Replies (5) Good night (2570) Bad night (472)
• Favorite

  (719): View more from Colorado

  3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (719): 3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado http://tfl.nu/w6qi
  Replies (72) Good night (7599) Bad night (620)
• Favorite

  (505): View more from New Mexico

  so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (505): so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew? http://tfl.nu/930a
  Replies (27) Good night (1289) Bad night (444) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (207): View more from Maine

  guess who has a date tonight

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (207): guess who has a date tonight (401): look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed http://tfl.nu/0667
  Replies (25) Good night (6899) Bad night (955)
• Favorite

  (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (570): Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips? http://tfl.nu/n3qx
  Replies (19) Good night (3201) Bad night (3302) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  I'm in love with you.

  (1-860): View more from Connecticut

  huh?

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (860): I'm in love with you. (1-860): huh? (860): Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it. http://tfl.nu/in9v
  Replies (14) Good night (3053) Bad night (645)
• Favorite

  (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (978): Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war. http://tfl.nu/fra3
  Replies (11) Good night (822) Bad night (3354) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (251): View more from Alabama

  Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (251): Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave" http://tfl.nu/shdd
  Replies (34) Good night (5356) Bad night (977) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (971): View more from Oregon

  :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (971): :O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out" http://tfl.nu/uf6x
  Replies (30) Good night (745) Bad night (11409) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy? http://tfl.nu/kdio
  Replies (23) Good night (5580) Bad night (597) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (214): View more from Texas

  A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (214): A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot. http://tfl.nu/a1lj
  Replies (65) Good night (27833) Bad night (1803) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (507): View more from Minnesota

  So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (507): So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game. http://tfl.nu/nypl
  Replies (58) Good night (642) Bad night (3666) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (813): View more from Florida

  you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (813): you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you? http://tfl.nu/35zi
  Replies (12) Good night (2754) Bad night (887) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (319): View more from Iowa

  Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (319): Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in" http://tfl.nu/15za
  Replies (64) Good night (5163) Bad night (965) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (561): View more from Florida

  george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (561): george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it. http://tfl.nu/x2j0
  Replies (159) Good night (5888) Bad night (1919) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (305): View more from Florida

  I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (305): I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night. http://tfl.nu/49y3
  Replies (18) Good night (4411) Bad night (1364) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (604): View more from British Columbia

  there's paper in my vomit.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (604): there's paper in my vomit. http://tfl.nu/yer9
  Replies (18) Good night (832) Bad night (3115) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week." http://tfl.nu/whj8
  Replies (86) Good night (20171) Bad night (1416) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  happy early fathers day!!!

  (829): View more from Dominican Rep

  im not a father

  (843): View more from South Carolina

  about that...

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (843): happy early fathers day!!! (829): im not a father (843): about that... http://tfl.nu/tk4z
  Replies (225) Good night (7507) Bad night (72141)
• Favorite

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (617): dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick. http://tfl.nu/lewu
  Replies (258) Good night (4542) Bad night (79596) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (310): View more from California

  So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (310): So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he. http://tfl.nu/52vb
  Replies (51) Good night (14845) Bad night (2232) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (808): View more from Hawaii

  Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (808): Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy" http://tfl.nu/zdbd
  Replies (51) Good night (17620) Bad night (1150) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (817): View more from Texas

  Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (817): Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him. http://tfl.nu/25q8
  Replies (63) Good night (27874) Bad night (1190) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (928): View more from Arizona

  Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (928): Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex". http://tfl.nu/7v4e
  Replies (56) Good night (30096) Bad night (1408) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (757): At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP." http://tfl.nu/p091
  Replies (297) Good night (73379) Bad night (2468) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (401): Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.' http://tfl.nu/mde3
  Replies (248) Good night (66709) Bad night (2998) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (215): View more from Pennsylvania

  i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section http://tfl.nu/5gr0
  Replies (1628) Good night (168263) Bad night (42159) Order T-Shirt
• Favorite

  (510): View more from California

  he said he didn't have a condom.

  (415): View more from California

  and you said?

  (510): View more from California

  that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (510): he said he didn't have a condom. (415): and you said? (510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that. http://tfl.nu/4u76
  Replies (301) Good night (100315) Bad night (5711)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

  Press ctrl+c (windows) or cmd+c (mac) to copy the text to your clipboard

  (519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" http://tfl.nu/uoap
  Replies (833) Good night (142150) Bad night (9313) Order T-Shirt