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He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
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